Summary: Hikaru and Akira cross the fine line they walk in their rocky relationship, the line between rivals and lovers.
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go is written by Yumi Hotta and the animated series was created by Studio Pierrot. Please do not construe the writing of this fanfiction as a claim to ownership in any way.
1 - Why Won't You Play Me?
Shindo Hikaru found himself staring sullenly out of his bedroom window, his eyes focused on the blinking light of a hospital's landing roof miles away. His palm tightened against the glass, his expression deepening greatly. He could feel Fujiwara-No-Sai behind him. Both were silent and thoughtful, Sai concerned about Hikaru and Hikaru concerned about the future of his career.
Sai shuffled towards him; Hikaru's eyes remained fixed on the red light in the distance.
"Hikaru?" Sai spoke out unsurely. "Hikaru?"
"Arimasen…" Hikaru choked. He could feel Sai smile at him.
"You've already conceded…" Sai said. "I understand your situation. Come…you should get some rest."
"I…I can't sleep now, not after that…"
"But…tomorrow…"
"I know, Sai…" Hikaru said. "I…I'm thinking about calling and canceling again. I…don't think we should do it anymore."
"But…Hikaru…" Sai said. "This is your chance. You've waited all this time…"
"I know, but I… I can't bring myself to face him, not the way I am. I can already hear it…see it… His disappointment…"
"But…this will be his first game, as well, since then," Sai said, referring to their last match as pros which had taken place months ago, before their latest dan upgrades.
"I've played with you, though, Sai…"
"Ah, of course. And he's played games with his colleagues, too. But…a real match against a long sought-after opponent…? It's been so long since you've been able to sit down with him."
"I'm scared to face him. Not even as a player, but as a colleague… It's so hard for me to even think about him." Hikaru turned to Sai. Sai looked eternally glum. Hikaru gave him the best smile he could muster, only being able to even the line of his lips and look stern.
"Hikaru…" Sai said lowly.
"I'm going to call and cancel, Sai." Sai's bottom lip sunk beneath the top one and he lowered his head. "It's better he hears it today instead of tomorrow…"
"If…that's what you really want." Hikaru nodded slowly, then started for the door. He scuffled down the stairs and to the phone in the foyer. He picked up the receiver and dialed for Akira's house.
Toya Akiko turned off the burner under her stew and hurried over to the phone. She removed her pot holder and tucked it under her arm as she grabbed the receiver.
"Hello, Toya residence," she answered.
"Uh… Hi… This is Shindo Hikaru…"
"Oh, Shindo-kun," Akiko said. "It's been a while since I've seen you. Are you well?" She could hear him gulp nervously on the other end.
"Y-yeah…" Even though he wasn't her son, she could tell that he was lying by his tone. It wasn't just that it was unsure. There was something truly bothering him at that moment. "Um…the reason I called is…um…"
"You'd like to speak to Akira?"
"No…" Hikaru said quickly. "But could you, um…tell him that…I won't be able to play him tomorrow…?" Akiko's grip on the receiver tightened.
"Is that so…?" she asked. She glanced into the living room where she could hear Akira placing stones on the board set up there. Her son had been a nervous wreck over the game he was supposed to play with Hikaru the next day. He hadn't even wanted to discuss what he wanted to do for his 18th birthday; the game was his only concern. She couldn't believe that Hikaru would cancel. She couldn't believe that things were right on the other end. Something must have been terribly wrong. "Oh, Shindo-kun…" she said sympathetically. "Is something wrong…?" Hikaru was silent for a short while.
"No…" he said. "No, not at all. Could you just tell him, please? Thank you…" The phone rattled on the other end, then Akiko heard the dial tone loud in her ear. Disheartened, Akiko lowered the phone and thought for a moment about how to break the news to her son. Sighing softly, she set the phone on its base and walked a few feet to the entrance of the living room. Akira was deeply involved in his game it seemed, but as she opened her mouth to speak, he asked her flatly, "Did he…not want to speak with me?" Akiko swallowed hard, raising her hand to the door frame for balance.
"Sweetheart…" she began. Akira raised his face to her, his mouth tight and his hair unsettled. He was expecting bad news. Akiko cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, but…Shindo…can't make your game tomo—"
"Wha—!"Akira leapt up from the floor. "What?" he asked, his voice hitched in his throat. "But…but we… He can't just… Mother… What did he say?"
"Akira, please…" Akiko began, walking over to him slowly. "Akira-san…"
"Mother…what did he say?"
"It was just that," Akiko said.
"He…can't just do that! Not after everything I went through to…" Akira's mouth pursed tightly, his fists balled and trembling. "This…is unacceptable!" he growled. "He'll play me. He'll play me whether he wants to or not." Akira spun quickly towards the door, slipping on his shoes and coat with speed that could only come from having done it so many times. Akiko knew it was pointless to try and stop her son from leaving when he got that way, but she was still a mother.
"Akira, bundle up, it's going to snow," she said quickly. "Be careful, it's dark out th—" The front door was shut.
Hikaru was laid spread out on his bed, his eyes still on his window. It had begun to snow as he lay there thinking about what he'd just done. Initially, he'd felt relieved, but at that moment, he felt sorrowful. Another missed chance to see Akira. It was for the best. Sai was sitting cross-legged at the head of the bed watching him. He leaned forward so that he was in Hikaru's frame of vision. Hikaru still didn't look at him.
"I still don't see why you keep running away when you've spent so much time running towards him, Hikaru…" he said. "Tomorrow…would be that pivotal game for you, the game where you finally test his strength for yourself again. How could you let go of that goal so readily, Hikaru…?" Hikaru let his eyes drift to the ceiling.
"Sai…?"
"Yes, Hikaru…?"
"I…have a confession to make…" Sai tilted his head as he leaned forward more, trying to get Hikaru to look at him. He did, finally. Sai looked eager to hear what he had to say.
"Yes, Hikaru…?"
"Do you remember that time that I told you I wanted to talk to ma in private…?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"Well…it was about this… You see, Toya, to me, is…"
"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm?"
"Well, you see… Toya is—" Bzzt, bzzt! Hikaru's eyebrows flinched as he sat up.
"A visitor?" Sai asked.
"I guess so…" Hikaru got up from the bed. Bzzt, bzzt, bzzzzt! "All right, all right already," Hikaru called out as he hurried from his room to the stairs. He jogged down them with Sai behind him. Bzzt! Bzzzzzzzzzt!
"My, they're impatient…" Sai said. "Hurry Hikaru, let's see who it is." Hikaru waved him away as he reached the door.
"Who is it?" he asked.
"Shindo!" a shrill, raspy voice grunted from the other side of the door. Both Hikaru and Sai jumped back at the recognition. They looked at each other fearfully.
"It's Toya…" they both said. Sai pointed at the door with a shaking hand.
"You…you open it…" he said. Hikaru gave him an annoyed look.
"Well, if not me, then who?" he asked.
"Certainly not me," Sai said, moving behind Hikaru. Hikaru shook his head at him and reached for the doorknob. He unlocked the door and opened it slowly. He looked out through the crack in the door. Akira was standing there slightly hunched over, chest heaving and lips trembling from the cold and exertion, snowflakes settled on his shoulders and in his hair. He took in a wavering breath as he glared at Hikaru. Hikaru scratched the back of his head, feeling his heart beating a mile a minute in his chest.
"Toya…" he said quietly. "My mom's not in… I can't have company…"
"You will open that door," Akira growled. "I won't let you turn me away, do you hear me?" Hikaru watched him, stunned. "Open it!" Before Hikaru could do anything, Akira knocked his arm into the door and it flew open, causing Hikaru to tumble back onto the floor. Akira stepped in and slammed the door. "You don't have the right to refuse me!" he exclaimed. "I've been patient with you ever since you stood me up, and I vowed never to let that happen again. We will never miss a game, do you hear me? You say you can't make it tomorrow, then we'll do this right now!"
"N—now?" Hikaru stuttered.
"Get up and face me!" Hikaru gulped.
He can get so angry… Sai said.
"Toya…" Hikaru murmured.
"Where's your board? I know you have a board here somewhere. The living room?" Akira jetted from the entry hall. Hikaru glanced over to Sai, who gave a deep sigh for lack of anything better to do. Akira came back into the foyer from the kitchen entry, chest still heaving. "It's not there," he said. "It's not in any of the rooms here."
Did he really check that fast? Sai asked.
"Where is it then? Upstairs, your bedroom?" Hikaru nodded. Akira reached down and grabbed his wrist. Hikaru pulled away as Akira tried to pull him up, causing him to jerk forward and lose his balance. He toppled to the floor between Hikaru's legs, his arms shooting to the floor within Hikaru's arms. He bumped his head on Hikaru's chin and heard both their teeth clatter in result.
A few moments passed before Akira realized that he'd settled. His knees beat painfully and he thought he felt blood in his mouth. He raised a hand to his chin as he backed up, his face bright red with his embarrassment. He coughed slightly, surprised to see that Hikaru was just as red as him, maybe even redder. He wasn't hurt, as far as Akira could tell, but he looked positively stunned. Akira shook his head slightly.
"I'm so sorry!" he said. "I…was careless. I was just upset! Forgive me… Are you hurt?" Hikaru's lips were clamped shut and he looked like he was holding the secret to UFO's in Area 51. Akira watched him, and then noticed that something was pressing uncomfortably against his hip. He realized that he must have landed on Hikaru quite awkwardly and that that was why he wouldn't say anything. Due to their positions, Akira knew the protrusion could only be one thing: Hikaru's groin. Hikaru's groin. Akira's face twisted into one of utter shock and he jumped back from Hikaru.
"T—To—Toya…" Hikaru said. Akira's eyes were wide and he looked angry again. Hikaru had tried his hardest not to let his imagination run wild once he'd seen Akira standing at the door, but he couldn't help himself. As much as he could counter that arousal at first, everything went out the door when Akira fell on him as he did, and they were as close as they'd ever been. Their hips had ground painfully, but only Hikaru seemed to notice that. And after that, he'd completely lost his self control.
Blood! an oblivious Sai screeched behind Hikaru. Look, look! Hikaru looked at Akira closely. His bottom lip was bleeding.
"Hey…Toya…you're bleeding…" Akira licked the blood from his lips.
"I know…" Hikaru sat up and scratched his head.
"I'm…I'm sorry about this…"
"It's nothing, I'm sure…" Akira said. Hikaru covered his mouth with his hand. How could Akira dismiss his feelings so coldly? "Just tell me, Shindo… Why won't you play me…?" Hikaru stared at him. Sai kneeled next to him and looked at him, waiting for an answer as well.
Are…you all right? he asked.
Yeah, Sai.
"Well, answer me," Akira said, using a hand for emphasis. "I've come all this way."
"Uninvited."
"From the looks of things, you sure don't seem to mind," Akira retorted. Color spread to Hikaru's cheeks again.
"I said I was sorry."
"So did I. I want to play you, here and now. Just…take me to your board, all right?"
"What if I don't want to play you?" Hikaru asked.
"Don't be a coward," Akira said, tentatively touching his lips. "Just get yourself together and let's settle this. I…I need to play you again. You can't run from me forever. Have you decided to settle with the fact that I'll always be better than you?" Hikaru's arousal was starting to turn into anger.
"Don't flatter your game," he said. "That ain't it."
"Then what is it, Shindo?" Akira asked. "After all this time…you've been right behind me. Then you just…failed." Akira arched an eyebrow. "Why? Why, if not from fear of losing to me because you simply aren't good enough?" Hikaru felt so offended he balled his fists.
"You! You're always so proud. I'm gonna make you eat those words."
"Show me your strength!"
"Fine! You are so going down, Akira!" Akira hiccupped noticeably and Hikaru felt the affects of his declaration diminish right before his eyes.
Akira's hands fell to the floor and he stared at Hikaru.
"Did…did you just call me…?" Akira shook his head. He certainly did say his name—his first name. It was almost like a shot at him, a cheap shot at his existence. How dare Hikaru say his name to him like that? Who did Hikaru take him for, anyway? Akira's lips twisted into a scowl and he stood up quickly. "You are to take me to your board," he said. "We will settle this once and for all." Hikaru looked to debate it with himself for a moment. "Take me, now!" Hikaru blushed again and stood up quickly.
"You really need to watch what you say," he said and hurried up the stairs. Akira straightened out his jacket, ignoring the last comment as he went up to the second floor behind Hikaru. In his bedroom, Akira was surprised to see a board in yose. He rushed over to it and kneeled on one side.
"You're studying a game?" he asked. "Where's your book? Let me see your strategy here." Akira pointed to where his eye led him, a noticeable trap in the upper right corner where white had sent black into a tailspin of defense all around the board. Hikaru plopped down on the other side of the board.
"There is no book," he said. "You take black, all right? I've been black all night." Akira didn't understand that and he really wanted to discuss the intricate game in front of them, but he also wanted to play Hikaru. Normally, he wouldn't let a game begin without officially deciding who was black and who was white, but that night was certainly abnormal and Akira didn't have the patience to argue anymore. He nodded and they gathered their stones.
This is exciting Sai said. I can't wait, Hikaru.
Sai?
Yes?
Do you…think you could take a hike for a while…? I have a feeling…things aren't going to turn out the way you think they are…
Hikaru? Sai asked, not understanding. You…won't let me watch your game?
If…Akira keeps giving me that look, I really don't think there's going to be much of a game, Sai…
Hikaru…what on earth?
Just trust me on that. Come back tomorrow or something… Just leave us alone for now.
Hikaru… Sai murmured seriously, his fan, drawn in anticipation of the game, pulled timidly towards his face. But it's just not fair! Hikaru nearly fell over from the sudden outburst, but Sai "caught" him, wrapping his arms around his neck. I wanna watch, I wanna watch! Lemme see the game, please Hikaru! HIKARU!
"Shut up, already!" Hikaru exclaimed. Akira gave him an odd look.
"I haven't said anything, Shindo," he said. Hikaru chuckled nervously. Sai stopped and pouted at Hikaru.
No means no, Sai. Beat it.
You're so mean, Hikaru!
Beat it!
Hmph! Sai finally conceded and left them alone. Hikaru looked at Akira and saw that he was more than ready to make his first move.
Akira cleared his throat.
"Onegaishimasu," he said. Hikaru nodded.
"Onegaishimasu." Akira dug into his cup of stones and started their game. After a few moves, Hikaru restlessly changed position. Akira flashed him an annoyed glance.
"You're going to tell me," he began, "why you tried to avoid me."
"No, I'm not. You'll get freaked out and run away."
"After what happened earlier?" Akira asked, snapping a stone down loudly. "You think anything's worse than that?"
"Falling on me?" Hikaru asked, offended.
"Not just that…" Akira said. "You were…you know…" Hikaru gulped.
"Yeah…well…"
"You don't have a crush on me, do you?" Akira asked. From his tone, Hikaru was ashamed to admit it.
"Toya…"
"Is that why you don't want to play me? You're trying to…avoid having to see me…?" Hikaru couldn't concentrate on his game, as usual. He stared at Akira for a long time. "That's so foolish."
"What do you think of me?" Hikaru asked. "Do you think…I'm desirable?"
"Your GO is desirable for me," Akira said. "What a strange thing to ask me."
"You…don't seem uncomfortable with this…" Hikaru said, watching Akira play solid moves against his unsteady ones. "You're so nonchalant."
"How should I be?" Akira asked. "I'm not so innocent, you know?" Hikaru raised an eyebrow.
"No…I don't know." Akira held his hand steadily above the board, a stone stable between his rigid fingers.
"It's okay if you have a crush on me, Shindo…" he said. "But the important thing is to never let something so trivial get in the way of what's most imperative." Clack! Hikaru took offense, and followed through with a sharp play.
"Toya… My feelings for you…are not something to simply put off. I…have strong feelings for you… I…think I…I love you."
When Akira heard that, his stone snapped horizontally across the board and into Hikaru's stomach. They both looked up at each other, Akira's eyes wide again.
"Love?" he choked. "You couldn't possibly love me…" he said. "You barely know me…"
"I barely know you?" Hikaru nearly exclaimed. "Duh, I've only been under your shadow for the past five and a half years! I eat, sleep and breathe you, what are you talking about?"
"But you would…go so far as to say that you…love me, Shindo?" Hikaru nodded rapidly.
"Yeah, I mean… Nothing that I do…distracts me from you. Not even GO… When I think of anything, it all comes back to you… No matter what I say or do, I just…I think of you…"
"But…" Akira pulled his hand away from the board and grabbed his arm. After a short period of deep thought, he fiddled with the cuff of his jacket. "How do you know…when it's love?" he asked.
"Like…when I saw you today, I totally stopped breathing for like ten seconds…" Hikaru said. "And…I dream about playing GO with you and…even what it would be like to go to school with you. To…eat ramen together."
"You…want to be friends with me…" Akira sounded like he was trying to convince Hikaru that that was all it was.
"No," Hikaru said, sternly. "I want to hug and kiss, too. And I don't want you hanging out with other guys… It makes me jealous."
"So…you're…interested in me…truly?" Akira asked. He lowered his head and hid his eyes with his bangs. "This is the true reason you've avoided me all these weeks?"
"Every time I see you, I just want to have you, so…I knew that if I stayed in the limelight, I'd lose my standing in the GO world… I would completely lose every game, just like I have been…"
"Black did a terrible job in that last game…" Akira said. He looked at Hikaru, staring into his eyes, which had turned into a simmering, dark chartreuse. There were so many things that he wanted to say. He could hardly believe that Hikaru felt that strongly toward him. It wasn't true that he was straight. It wasn't true that he wanted casual sex. It wasn't entirely true that Hikaru was just scared of losing or showing weak GO to Akira. He admitted loving him; he admitted to having the same sort of feelings that Akira had for him. Akira couldn't let the moment pass. "I'm sort of jealous, too," he said. Hikaru's eyebrows wavered. It was adorable.
"You?" he asked.
"Is that so unbelievable?"
"Oh, like you don't know it is," Hikaru said flatly.
"Hm…" Akira paused. "I am. I'm jealous of…your instructor…"
"My instructor?" Hikaru asked.
"Yes…" Akira crawled around the GO-board slowly. "He gets to spend…so much time with you and watch you grow firsthand…" Akira stopped next to Hikaru and sat close to him. "I want to spend time with you… Teach you how to play…"
"You and your pride," Hikaru said. "Don't you know a GO prodigy when you see one?" Akira pouted comically and it made Hikaru smirk.
"Well, Hikaru…" Akira said lowly, and Hikaru's smirk grew. "I sure do, but as there's no mirror around, I don't see one at this moment…" Hikaru grabbed Akira around the waist and forced him onto the floor. Akira gasped in surprise. His nails dug into Hikaru's clothing where he had instinctually grasped at him on the way down.
"I'm going to make you eat those words, Akira," Hikaru husked out. Akira took in a wavering breath as he felt the back of his head and his hips tingle at hearing Hikaru say his name so sultrily.
"Show me…your moves…" he breathed weakly. Hikaru climbed on top of him quickly, cupping him within his arms and holding their chests together. Akira's fingers gripped deep, a sudden pool of heat gathering in his nether region. Hikaru dipped his face towards Akira's and Akira reached up slightly to meet him, but Hikaru pulled back.
"What…do you think of me, Akira…?"
"You're so strange…" Akira whispered. "But…I think you're my special…my special, silent partner in GO, Hikaru…"
"Can I be…your lover?" Hikaru asked unsurely. For the love of God, yes! Akira wanted to scream.
"You can't have me tonight, Hikaru…" Akira said. "But we can…play GO a little…with each other…"
"Why can't I have you?" Hikaru asked.
"Because I want to make you wait for this…just like you made me wait for you. I don't run away from my desires, Hikaru. When I want something, I go out of my way to get it." Akira cupped Hikaru's face in his hands. "Don't you ever hide yourself from me again," he ordered.
Hikaru blinked back at him. He was being suggestive, wasn't he?
"Okay," he said, dumbly. Akira seemed satisfied, as his shoulders slumped in relaxation.
"My dad has given me permission for a small gathering on New Year's Eve. I want you to invite your friends."
"Really?" Hikaru asked, surprised. "Can we kiss and stuff then?"
"Maybe…" Akira said. "My dad would kill me if he saw…"
"Oh…" Akira sighed and let Hikaru go. "If I win tonight…then…you'll have to wait until the party to have me. But if you…win, Hikaru, which you won't… You get to kiss me goodnight."
"Can I go glomp crazy on you?" Hikaru asked excitedly. Akira narrowed his eyes.
"We'll see…" Hikaru giggled triumphantly and went over to the board. Akira sat up a little slowly, wondering how long it would take for his erection to wane. After a short moment, he went to the board. Hikaru had separated the stones and sat ready for nigiri.
"What are you doing, Hikaru?"
"What?" Hikaru asked, confused.
"We were in the middle of a game."
"Say something five years after I cleared the board, why don't you?"
"But who does that?" Akira asked. "It was a perfectly legitimate game, you can't just undo it like that."
"You were black, that's no fair!" Hikaru said.
"You told me to be black!" Akira said, gaping in disbelief.
"You were totally taking advantage of me. This will be a fair game, and I'm totally kissing you goodnight." Akira sighed and calmed down a little.
"I admire your eagerness, but it's that overconfidence that will be your downfall." Hikaru gritted his teeth playfully. They properly grabbed for stones and Hikaru wound up being black. Akira's eyes held a different light now, his usually taut expression more relaxed. He looked confident that he would win, but also relieved in some sense. Hikaru swallowed hard. He was going to lose this one, but New Year's was just around the corner. Waiting a little longer would only make the moment a thousand times sweeter. "Onegaishimasu…"
"Onegaishimasu."