Of Shinigami and Snicker Snacks
Bleach and all related characters belong to Tite Kubo
Byakuya Kuchiki wandered the strange world he had found himself in, all the while searching for the orange haired lunatic that had brought him here. As he walked down a winding path he stumbled across a sight that shattered his usual stoic visage. Ichigo Kurosaki sitting a large table full of food, drinking tea with a human sized brown rabbit.
"Byakuya my good man! Care for a spot of tea?" Ichigo said as he haphazardly poured a cup, spilling a great bit everywhere.
"Oh so this is the noble Byakuya Kuchiki the Hatter has been going on about!" The rabbit said.
"Indeed, Hare indeed. Allow me, Lord Kuchiki, to introduce the March Hare." The top-hat wearing teen said as the Kuchiki lord just drew his zanpakuto.
"I'm going to kill you now you insolent child." Byakuya practically seethed as he raised his blade.
"You should learn not to make personal remarks, it's very rude. Quite unbecoming of someone with your upbringing." Ichigo said in a scolding manner, causing Byakuya to stop dead in his tracks, having a flashback to his noble training.
"Quite right Hatter, quite right." The March Hare concurred, shaking his head at the Shinigami Captain.
"Enough of this! Where is Rukia? Byakuya snarled, his mask of nonchalance slowly being chipped away.
"Tell you what old boy, I'll make you a deal. If you can solve this riddle I'll turn myself over to the proper authorities and hand over the one you seek. No plan, no strings attached." Ichigo said, a sincere tone to his voice.
Byakuya weighed his options. Ichigo didn't seem to be lying, noting about his tone or facial expression even held the possibility of a double cross.
"I can guess whatever ever pathetic riddle you have." Byakuya said after a moment's thought.
"Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?" The March Hare queried.
"Exactly." Said Byakuya.
"Then you should say what you mean." The March Hare went on, taking a sip of tea.
"I do I mean what I say. That's the same thing."
"Not the same thing a bit! You might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'!" Ichigo interrupted, once again using a scolding tone that was really beginning to grate on the Kuchiki head's last nerve.
"Enough! What is the riddle?" Byakuya said through gritted teeth.
"Why is a raven like a writing-desk?" Ichigo asked. This was an odd question indeed. The head of the Kuchiki clan stayed silent for a few moments as he pondered the riddle.
"Have you guessed the riddle yet?" Ichigo asked as he then took a large sip of tea. With a sigh Byakuya admitted defeat.
"No, so I will just have to kill you now instead of seeing you tried for your crimes. However before I do I must know, what was the answer?" Byakuya asked as he readied his sword.
"I haven't the slightest idea." Said the substitute Shinigami, grinning manically.
"Nor I." Said the March Hare. Byakuya growled as Ichigo then shot up from his chair and yelled,
"Twinkle twinkle little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly
like a tea tray in the sky!"
Suddenly a large tea tray flea down and whisked Ichigo away who laughed mockingly as he flew circles around the Captain.
"HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!" Byakuya yelled at the top of his lungs, finally succumbing to the maddening effects of this place.
"Oh explanations take such a dreadful time." Ichigo groaned, but then chuckled madly to himself.
"THAT'S IT!" Byakuya yelled at the top of his lungs. He extended his arm and dropped his sword straight down, it falling through the ground leaving a ripple like effect. Suddenly the forest was shattered, the grass that had been beneath his feet disappearing to be replaced with dirt. And no more than three yards away was Ichigo, who looked around at what appeared to be a large room full of glowing swords on the wall.
"Stop this! Stop it right now! BRING BACK MY WONDERLAND!" Ichigo shouted in an anger filled voice as he glared with pure hatred that took the Kuchiki head off guard.
"This is my Bankai you insolent whelp and it will be the last thing you'll ever see." Byakuya said coldly.
"Bankai?" Ichigo said, a shocked look on his face. He then smiled wickedly as he continued his hateful glare.
"Yes Bankai that's right. You'll pay for ruining my Wonderland, you hear me!? You'll pay!" The top-hatted madman ranted as he twirled his white rabbit can rapidly before slamming it down hard on the ground.
"BANKAI!" Ichigo yelled a white light soon engulfed them.
Byakuya Kuchiki once again found himself waking up in a new place.
"Fushigi no Kuni."(1)
Ichigo's voice, now cold and devoid of its previous mirth, called out from all directions. Byakuya looked to see that his Bankai was still indeed active, but the battlefield had changed. It was similar to the world he had previously been in, but there were striking differences. Gone were the colorful flowers, now all of them black. Gone where the brightly colored giant mushrooms, now they were grotesque and misshapen brown husks of fungus. Gone were the cheery birds as crows and vultures had taken their place. The trees where devoid of leaves and had sinister faces carved into them.
"I didn't want this Byakuya. I didn't want this unpleasantness, I didn't want to hurt you or anyone for that matter." Ichigo said as he once again materialized before the Shinigami Captain. Byakuya took note of the young man's changed appearance. His shikusho had gone from bright emerald and canary yellow to ashen grey and crimson. His cane had also changed shape, having gone from white with a wooden rabbit's head handle to blood red with what looked to be a playing card spade on top.
"All I wanted was my friend back, nothing more and nothing less, and to have a little fun with you." Ichigo said as he drew the blade from his cane-sword.
"But you've ruined all of that. You destroyed my Wonderland and I cannot forgive that." Ichigo said through gritted teeth.
"I couldn't care less for your childish illusion. I will kill you this day, but not before you tell me the whereabouts of my sister." Byakuya said calmly, though this was a front as he was becoming increasingly disturbed by his surroundings and the young man in front of him.
"Sister?" Ichigo asked, his eyes wide. Suddenly sharp thorny roots sprang up from the ground and dug into Byakuya's ankles.
"Rukia is you sister?!" Ichigo growled as one of the trees reached out and grabbed a hold of Byakuya's hands, holding him in place.
"YOU WERE GOING TO LET YOUR SISTER BE EXECUTED?!" Ichigo roared as the trees grew spikes and stabbed into Byakuya's forearms.
"The... law... dictates..." Byakuya began, but had his mouth covered by a branch.
"Law?! She had committed no murder! No crime worthy of death!" Ichigo snarled as he stabbed Byakuya's side with his blade.
"You're nothing but an uncaring, unfeeling, monster!" Ichigo shouted right in the Kuchiki head's face as he twisted the sword causing his opponent to let out a muffled cry of pain. Ichigo then gave a dark, twisted smile.
"I think it's high time for this monster to meet his own kind." Ichigo said as he walked off some 10 yards away.
"Beware the Jabberwock my son!" Ichigo yelled as the ground beneath them started to shake violently. Suddenly a pair of giant leathery wings sprang up from the ground as well as a long lizard-like tail.
"The jaws that bite!" Ichigo yelled once again as a large mass came up from the ground, an unearthly roar following shortly after.
"The claws that catch!" Ichigo yelled one final time as a gigantic pair of claws came down and scratched at the ground in front of Byakuya, cutting one of his feet. With a final screeching roar Byakuya saw in front him a creature birthed of nightmares. A hideous dragon-like creature stood before him, grotesque rodent-like teeth, twitching antennae atop its head, and a long snake-like neck with large rounded dead eyes that seemed to gaze into his very soul.
"Beware the Jubjub Bird!" Ichigo shouted as a humongous bird flew down next to the dragon-like creature and began to peak at Byakuya with its large beak, making a large gash in his shoulder.
"AND SHUN THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH!"Ichigo shouted one final time with all his might as a large cat-like behemoth leaped out of the dark forest. Its mouth was filled with rows upon rows of jagged teeth, not unlike a shark's mouth, snapped viciously at the Captain. It's dirty white coat speckled with black spots bristled in rage, as it's badger-like paws swiped across Byakuya's chest, severely cutting him.
"Now then Byakuya, will you allow me to leave with my dear friend Rukia? Or shall I reacquaint you with your kin?" Ichigo said calmly, a twisted smile on his face as the branch covering Byakuya's mouth removed itself.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Byakuya screamed as Ichigo cackled.
"I'll take that as a yes." The keeper of Wonderland said as he smiled deviously.
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1: Literally translates to "Wonderland". In Bankai Ichigo's illusions become solid and he's able to manipulate the actual environment to an extent. However what his Wonderland looks like while in Bankai is entirely dependant on his mood. If he's happy it's like his usual Wonderland in Shikai. If he's angry however? Things take a dark and sinister turn that will not only drive someone mad, but easily give them lasting nightmares.