The Seduction of the Insufferable Mr. Potter.
By: Shadowclub
Rating:R
Warnings: A failed bit of het here and there…oh and this will be slash.
Chapter Summary: In which thing "heat up", Harry is disturbed, and Voldemort reveals his weakness….for shiny objects.
Notes: Haha…I fail at making time tables. So yeah, but fic! I'm happy. As usual, if you wait a few days I shall post the betaed version. Hopefully there aren't any glaring typos. Ginny's a little OOC here, but it works for this story.
XXX
Voldemort stroked his bald head admiring its shininess. It gleamed like the wings of angels falling from the heaven, like diamonds in a candle lit room, like a freshly sharpened knife before it cut into apple pie…or something else that was just really, really, shiny.
"Wormtail! Where is that coconut scented head wax?" Wormtail scurried out of the bathroom holding it out in front of him. He dropped one knee and presented it as one would present a crown to a king.
"H-here Master!" He stuttered. Voldemort reached down and noticed a small strawberry on the label.
"Curse you! This is strawberry gel, not coconut! Can't you read, you ignorant fool! You are not worthy to breathe the same air as I!" He roared pulling out his wand kicking Wormtail on his back gasping for breath. Really, this intimidation thing was too easy. If any of his Death Eaters had bothered to read a book in basic psychology they wouldn't have joined him in the first place. And now for the punishment.
"Harrrian Coconuts!" Wormtail screamed as his balls grew to the size of coconuts and sprouted itchy hair.
"Master!" A voice came from the door. It was not a little quiet, but seemed to carry a force of power behind it. Voldemort suppressed the urge to shudder as the man's voice ran through him, it wasn't exceptionally deep, but it was nice sense of power behind it that Voldemort could appreciate. The type of voice you enjoyed listening to…in bed.
"M--!!" Wormtail managed to get out before Voldemort silenced him with a flick of his wand. Wormtail kept looking back and forth between them as though he were seeing his worst nightmare come true.
"No names, I don't want anyone hearing the identity of our perfectly gorgeous—I mean perfectly well placed informant," Voldemort said running one spindly finger down the man's face. Wormtail waved his arms around mouthing something that looked like "He's a maneater!" No…that didn't seem right. Voldemort looked again. "He's a traitor?"
Voldemort decided to ignore him.
"What news?" He asked. The man looked around nervously before answering.
"The Potter boy has found a spell to defeat you." Voldemort searched his mind. They couldn't defeat him, he had his horcruxes—
"So, they've discovered my secret then?" He said tapping the man's jaw with such force that the man's head snapped back with a crack.
"Yes." Voldemort pushed past the barriers and went to make sure the man was telling the truth...he was.
"Good dog. Run along now. Don't want them becoming suspicious."
"Don't you want to hear the rest?"
"I've heard enough."
"With all do respect, the last time you didn't listen to the whole story it didn't end well for you." Voldemort glared the man, who fell to his knees stuttering apologies. Hmm…the man had a point. The Potter Mission could have gone better.
"Well, let's hear it then."
"In order to complete the spell, the Potter boy must lose his virginity! If you were to send a Death Eater to seduce him then you could gain a valuable ally or at the very least emotionally damage Potter enough that his magic will be affected." Curious. Most curious. He dismissed the man with a wave of his hand.
"Wormtail! I have the most marvelous plan! I'm going to send a Death Eater to seduce Potter, take his virginity and them have them crush his bleating heart!" He said laughing.
Romance and death! It was all very exciting!
XXX
Harry Potter was having a bit of trouble.
"Stupid zip! Close, close, close!" He said jerking it up so hard that he accidentally smashed his hand into this face.
"Ow!"
"Are you done yet, Harry?" Hermione asked banging on the door.
"Yeah!" Harry said opening the door.
"Well it's about time!" Hermione huffed, for some reason her robe was very loosely tied and it was obvious she wasn't wearing anything underneath. He couldn't help but stare for a moment.
"Um…Hermione. You might want to put something on under that." He said walking away. Hermione stared at his back as he walked away. Clearly her plan to seduce Harry wasn't going as planned…then again she wasn't the hottest hot dog in the oven, but she certainly wasn't ugly.
Hm…if it wasn't her then maybe Harry was—
No. Harry had dated Ginny just a few months previously and seemed quite satisfied with the relationship.
Wait.
Ginny! Why didn't she think of her before? Hermione could have slapped her head from the utter silliness of it all! Harry liked red heads that's why she wasn't falling for her (albeit half-hearted) advances!
XXX
"Are you crazy? Harry won't touch me with a ten-foot pole!" Ginny exclaimed. "Besides, I don't want to lose my virginity just yet."
"Didn't you and Dean…," Hermione asked trailing off.
"That didn't count. It sucked." Hermione straightened her hair in the mirror.
"You count just discount things because they sucked."
"Well…it was complicated. Let's just leave it at that. Besides I don't think Harry's quite right…" Ginny said twisting her hair around her finger. For a minute her finger was encased in fire.
"Please? It's for the good of humanity! Besides you love Harry!" Hermione said reasonably.
"He has this stupid thing about not touching me…he says I kill his concentration. He won't even bloody talk to me anymore! I mean so what if I stuck my hands down his pants while he was trying to floo call McGonagall? I though he liked it a little rough!" Hermione stared at the blank wall behind Ginny's head trying to compose herself…Ginny had been a little off lately. Stress will do that to anyone Hermione told herself.
"Ginny, you're doing this for his own good…and it will be enjoyable."
"How, though? Do I just waltz into his bed naked?" Ginny asked. Hermione considered it.
"Well…yes." Hermione smiled because Harry would be able to connect with the girl he loved. Hermione couldn't help but feel as though she were in one of those silly romance novels her mom read…nothing could go wrong and there was going to be a happy ending.
XXX
Severus Snape was not one would have picked to seduce a teenage boy…a supposedly straight boy at that. He was tall with exceptionally bad taste in hair care products and personal hygiene.
So it was a good thing that Snape was not involved in the seduction, he was simply to oversee the plans. He sat in an armchair waiting for the rest of the "Potter Committee" to come and join him. Lucius, Draco, Crabbe, and Vincent walked in.
Clearly the Dark Lord had drunk one too many wine coolers…again.
"We all know why we are here, don't we?" Snape said, the door opened again revealing Peter walking slowly and awkwardly as though there were two quaffles in-between his legs.
"I do not tolerate tardiness," Snape said silkily. Pettigrew actually shuddered a bit looking for minute like a student cowering in fear.
"I was impaired—."
"Finte!" Snape yelled. Pettigew actually looked shocked when the spell reversed itself and his balls went back to their regular size. Snape looked around. There didn't appear to be any women…this was going to be most difficult.
"This mission is of great importance. Should you succeed, it will be enough to remain on the Dark Lord's better side forever," Snape began.
Crabbe farted. Lucius looked so affronted at the fact that Crabbe had dared do something as common as fart in front of him he pulled out his wand and jinxed Crabbe's hair green.
"Enough!" Snape sighed. This was going to take some work.
XXX
After an hour of dueling with Moody, Harry was seriously considering renouncing the profession of an Auror. Apparently the spell required him to have precise knowledge of "mind and body". Moody took this to mean that Harry needed to carry bags of owl droppings from the Owlery to the Herbology department in the Ministry and then do a little practical magic with him. Harry wished Remus were available to teach him…
"I mean, why on earth would a Death Eater lock me in a room without my wand, blindfold me and force me to duel with a beetroot to torture me…furthermore, how the hell do I "win"? Moody refuses to tell me saying when I figured it out, I would be an Auror," Harry said to Ron later that night trying to massage out the knot in his thigh.
"Just hope they kill you, mate," Ron said pulling on his pajama top.
"It would be less painful. Honestly, Voldemort is more likely to Crucio me until I've lost my mind and then kill me." Ron snorted before walking to bathroom next door to brush his teeth.
Harry wandered to the small writing desk in the corner and pulled out a fresh piece of parchment.
Dear Tonks, he wrote. Harry tapped the quill against his chin. What was there to say? He was fine? He had grown three inches and gained about five kilos from Molly's cooking? Something funny and uplifting? War left very little words for other events.The quill fell from his hand he bent over to pick it up.
Harry sat back up and looked down at the parchment hoping it would give him some sort of message about what he should write…only now there was another small scrap piece of parchment on it. What the hell? He didn't remember it being there before. He quickly opened it.
Draco Malfoy is standing behind you. The handwriting was spindly and strangely familiar.
Harry turned around fumbling for his wand and came face to face with, Draco Malfoy.
"Fancy meeting you here, Potter," he said dodging Harry's stunner artfully. "I suppose it was too much for a Mudblood like you to have proper manners."
Harry ran into the bathroom.
"RON! RON! Malfoy'sintheroom!" He blurted out.
"Whab?" Harry said foam from the toothpaste falling out of his mouth.
"Malfoy! He's in the room!"
"Have you been drinking Bill's firewhiskey?" Ron asked rinsing out his mouth.
"HE'S A DEATH EATER!" Harry yelled. "HE COULD BE ESCAPING OR STEALING INFORMATION AS WE SPEAK!"
Ron looked startled and ran out the door after Harry. They burst into the bedroom to reveal Draco standing next to Harry's bed flipping through Quidditch Through the Ages. Harry wasn't really sure how to react, wasn't it procedure that a prisoner fought? A dark thought crept into the back of Harry's brain…perhaps it was a trap. Perhaps Voldemort had sent Draco here as a trap. Hermione burst through the door after them.
"What happened!" She yelled her dressing gown open revealing a granny nighty.
"Get him!" Harry yelled gesturing wildly with his wand. Moody would have killed him if he Ron and Hermione looked around the room.
"Where is he?" Hermione asked. "Is he invisible?"
Harry stared at them incredulously. How could they not see him?
"They can't see me, Potter," Draco said walking to the desk. "I'm under Fidelius."
"What?"
Malfoy smirked.
"Send them away, Potter. I have a message for you...from Snape."
"Why would Snape be sending you a message?"
"Because he has to."
"Why?"
"He owes you a life debt." Harry covered his face with his hands.
"Can't you see him? He's standing right there!" Harry tried once more.
"Harry? I think you should go to bed, you look a little pale. You've obviously been overworked." Hermione said.
Harry looked from Draco to Ron and Hermione.
"Look, Potter, no wand." Draco said throwing his wand onto the floor. Harry eyed it suspiciously.
"What is it?" Ron asked.
"Umm…haha. Just a drill constant vigilance and whatnot. I'm just tired." Harry said to Ron and Hermione.
"…"
"A drill? Haven't you heard about the Boy Who Cried Wolf?" Hermione asked. "I thought you were hurt." Harry smiled sheepishly shrugging their accusations and concern off.
"Ron would you like to join me for a cup of cocoa? I have to talk to you about your robes for the wedding." Hermione said waggling her eyebrows in a most un-Hermione like fashion. Ron and Hermione went out closing the door behind them. Harry whirled around.
"You. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hex you."
"Because Snape gave me and Spell-Repellent and anything you throw at me will simply bounce back off and hit you."
"Stupefy!" Harry cried. The spell bounced of Draco's chest and hurtled back toward him. Harry ducked just in time and heard something shatter as the spell hit it.
"Snape tells you to not do anything stupid and not to accept ANY proposals no matter how tempting they seem," Draco said.
"That's it? He risked your life and mine to tell me that? Well I've got a message for him. Tell him to get his skinny, grey, cowardly arse down here and—."
"He also says that there is a spy in the Order and not to trust anyone."
"There is no spy! He was the fucking spy!" Harry was yelling now. He threw himself on top of the bed.
"Snape's on your side, Potter. Take his warning for what its worth."
"Right, and McGonagall and Flitwick are having it on. Get out." Harry said. "Wait? How did you even get in here? Why'd you agree to be his little whipping boy in the first place?" Harry added as an afterthought.
"None of your business," Malfoy swooped down and picked up his wand. Harry didn't even thing before he stood up and punched Draco in the face feeling the dark satisfaction at hearing Malfoy's nose break with a resounding crack.
"Ow!" Malfoy yelled blood pouring out of his nose. "Fuck you, Potter! You are going to die unless you learn to listen to people. Just because you don't like them doesn't mean they aren't intelligent!" Malfoy said before launching himself on top of Harry.
It was a satisfying fight by all standards. There were the usual epithets and punching…Harry was sure he had a black eye, but it felt strangely good. This kind of fighting accomplished something…
"Bastard! Who sent you, really? Was it your parents? Wait! I forgot your Dad is rotting in Azkaban and your Mom is too busy servicing the Dark Lord to care about you." Harry asked straddling Draco, holding his arms down. Malfoy looked as though he would burst with the amount of fury in him.
"You fucking bastard! Fuck you!" Malfoy yelled before flipping them both over. They both were breathing hard at this point. Harry could feel the thin sheen of sweat covering Malfoy's arm. For an irrational second he wondered how Malfoy's body would look naked covered in that shiny sheen. Harry wriggled experimentally trying to throw Malfoy off, the adrenaline made his skin quite sensitive and Harry began to react…
This was bad. This was worse than the time he'd attempted to become a girl and tried to put on Petunia's makeup. He was only human after all and he could each contraction of Malfoy's heart, that's how close they were. This was so wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this! He liked Ginny!
"You stink, Potter!" Draco said viciously jabbing his knee into Harry's stomach.
Well that killed it…thank Merlin.
There was a knock on the door which swung open to reveal Ginny in a short robe.
"Hey, were you talking to someone. I heard voices." Harry looked up at Malfoy in horror. Shit, this was bad. Malfoy rolled off him and picked up his wand.
"Harry? Are you okay?" She asked.
"Uh…yes, wrestling with an invisible opponent. Good practice and whatnot?" Harry said dusting off his trousers.
"Is there something you needed?" He asked.
"Yes…"
"Well?"
"You! I need you, Harry!" Malfoy caught his eye and started laughing.
"Potter, this is too good." Harry opened his mouth to tell Malfoy off when Ginny attacked him.
"Mwahagaff!" He said.
"That's just gross, Potter. Blood traitor and mudblood all in one mouth." Harry tried to kick him, but missed and ended up stubbing his toe on the bedpost.
"Ow! Ginny, um…we've been over this! No!" He yelped as she undid his belt and struggled to undo the zip. Malfoy was laughing so hard that he was actually beginning to choke…it didn't help that his nose was still broken.
"What are you, Potter, a poof? She's giving you a head; you might as well enjoy it. I mean who else would have you?" Harry tried to push Ginny off; his face was the color of beets. He could feel the heat rising off of it like a sidewalk on a hot summer day.
The door swung open again to reveal Mrs. Weasley. Ginny and Harry quickly straightened up. Harry stepped behind Ginny hoping Mrs. Weasley wouldn't notice the fact his jeans were unzipped.
"What were you kids up to?" She asked suspiciously.
"I was sparring with Harry, you know, as practice," Ginny offered.
"Oh…well Ron and Hermione are having a midnight snack if you both want some," she said giving them the evil eye. Harry moved his hand in front of his trousers trying to block the open zipper from her line of vision.
"Okay, we'll be down soon," Harry said. Mrs. Weasley slowly walked out of the bedroom stopping to pick up the carelessly thrown book and placing it back on the desk. She stopped about a foot from where Draco lay on the floor paralyzed with…something and sniffed the air.
"Have you guys been bleeding recently?" She asked. Both Ginny and Harry shook their heads. Mrs. Weasley gave one last sniff before leaving.
"See, Ginny! This kind of thing happens. Just don't, okay?" Ginny wrapped the robe around her body hugging herself.
"It's not fair! You're letting Him control your life. He's already won if you continue like this." Ginny burst out.
"You think this is about Voldemort controlling me? I'm trying to save you and the only thing you can think about it your sex life. Maybe that's why I don't enjoy your company anymore. Did that ever occur to you?" Harry said in a stage whisper conscious of the fact Mrs. Weasley was just down the hall.
"He is! You're just too blind to see it." Ginny said hissing the last words through her clenched teeth a crystalline tear fell down on her cheek/
"Ginny…I'm sorry. I just don't think this is right. I can't…," Harry said trying to remain calm. He patted her shoulder awkwardly. Ginny slapped his hand away.
"You are crap at kissing; you kiss like your imagining someone else. I didn't want to say anything because I thought it was simply stress, but I think you're a poof. You are nothing to me anymore!" Ginny yelled as she stomped out the door.
"Better a poof than your boyfriend!"
"This is too good. I can't believe my good fortune sometimes. Just wait till the press hears this, Potter the poof with poofy hair…I like it. Has a good ring to it." Malfoy said smirking. Harry threw a book at his face. Malfoy caught it with ease and continued to laugh.
Well…that could have gone better.
XXX
"How did it go?" Hermione asked as Ginny came back into the room.
Ginny picked up Hermione's perfume bottle and threw it against the wall where it shattered leaving a stain that looked remarkable like a cock…
"Not good, then?"
XXX
"Why are you still here? Can't you just leave or drop dead or better yet leave!" Harry asked Draco who was still on the floor. The bleeding had stopped but it looked as though he had a plum for a nose. The Spell-Repellant had kind of backfired because now Malfoy couldn't even heal himself….
"The Portkey will activate soon…five minutes I think." Malfoy looked strangely happy… as though Christmas had some early.
"Sod off. And tell Snape I don't need his help while you're at it," Harry said throwing himself on his bed. His muscles ached.
"I wonder if Weaslette gives a good head," Malfoy said conversationally.
"Are you trying to get yourself killed?"
"You're right; she'd be crap at it. She was going in at the wrong angle and don't even get me started on her dirty talk." Harry had the irrational urge to laugh…the whole situation was ludicrous. Harry was still laughing when Malfoy disappeared right before his eyes.
XXX
The door to his chambers opened slowly. Voldemort sat on his throne admiring his freshly painted nails and.
"Ah…Draco what I can I do for you?" Voldemort smiled. Yes, everything was going as planned.
XXX
Yeah, there will be more stuff coming up.