The nights were always the darkest in Olivia's room as she lay next to a sleeping Brian, her eyes fixed on the shadows dancing on ceiling. Her arms crossed over her chest, protecting her heart from any more pain, but failing.
She didn't even have to close her eyes to see the blood on her carpet, or feel the blows of the gun, every slice of the knife as she sat as prisoner in her own chair, her own cuffs used against her.
She blinked slowly, breathing faster and faster with very passing moment. Then came the smell that had made her cringe, his breath landing on her face as he kissed her arm, ready to take whatever she'd had left. He had reeked of booze and sweat as he pressed against her, telling her to that she wasn't going to make it out alive.
Olivia sat up quickly, putting a hand to her bleeding nose. She cursed in a whisper, swinging her feet over the side of the bed and standing as she held a hand to catch the drops of deep crimson. She walked into the bathroom and switched on the light, grabbing for a handful of Kleenex's. As she pressed the wad of tissue to her nose and leaned against the sink, she lifted her eyes to look at herself.
The scar along her hairline would not fade any more. It was going to serve as a permanent reminder of what Lewis had done to her.
Olivia sighed heavily, putting her full weight on the right arm that rested on the sink. She glanced at the clock on the wall. 1:30 A.M. Her nose soaked the Kleenex's she held, and she replaced them with another stack.
Every night for the past two weeks, she'd been waking up with blood on her pillow, in her throat. She figured it had to be stress associated with her nightmares, but she was not about to admit it.
The sound of Brian moving in the bed made her heart fall again. She hated when he had to wake up to check and see if she was ok. It wasn't fair that what she'd gotten herself into had to affect him so much.
He appeared behind her in the bathroom and put his hands on her shoulders gently.
"Another one?" He saw the red staining the Kleenex nearest her nose.
Olivia looked down, nodding.
"Yeah, but I'm fine, Brian. Go back to bed." She tried to keep her tone soft, but it was hard.
He heard the shame in her voice.
"Let's take a trip to the hospital. They'll be able to help." He suggested softly, already knowing what her answer would be.
She shook her head. "It's just a little blood. I'll live."
Her irritability was so sudden, as it had been every day since Lewis had attacked her. Her moods changed faster than they ever had before. Cassidy removed his hands from her shoulders and took a step forward. He didn't fight it.
"Ok." He kissed her on the forehead and then left her to be alone.
As Olivia looked at herself in the mirror, the lump in her throat returned. She could never go back to change what happened, and it hurt. She'd cut off her hair in the moment of the worst pain she'd ever felt, and now her appearance was different. Everything about her was. It was like she had forgotten who she was before.
She could still smell the hot keys on the stove, feel the burn as he pushed them into her skin. She felt him ripping the duct tape off her legs, her eyes averted, refusing to believe what was about to happen.
She'd always known how to get herself out of every situation she was thrown into. And it was an awful feeling, one that she relived constantly, when she remembered how she'd felt when she'd pulled violently at her cuffs, trying to do something, anything to removed herself from the situation. She had been helpless, powerless against him.
Olivia switched the Kleenex's out again, and, unable to stare at herself any longer, walked out to where the kitchen light was illuminating the small apartment. A heavy sigh found her leaning against the refrigerator, now looking out the dark window in the living room.
It was unsettling. She felt it more now than ever before. Every person walking or driving out on those streets posed a threat to her. She'd always been cautious when in public, especially at night. But now it seemed like every person she looked at could potentially be the next one to attack her, the one person that would grab her and take her life, crushing it.
Olivia walked swiftly to the windows and pulled the curtains shut on all of them. The night was a scary time. She just wanted to shut the dark out, if only for a short moment.
When her nose finally stopped bleeding, a half-hour after it had begun, Olivia traveled back to her bedroom, where Brian was lying on his side, pretending to sleep.
His heart physically hurt when he saw how much Olivia had changed. It was so painful to find her, shaking in her nightmares, only to be awakened by the dripping of her nose.
As he lay there on his side, he listened to her take another deep breath, a defeated sigh, the noise he only heard her make at night when she thought no one else was listening. The bed moved as she slid beneath the covers to his right.
Her eyes found the ceiling again, tracing the invisible lines her imagination had created. Brian opened his eyes as he faced her, reaching out slowly, stroking down her arm until he found her hand.
Olivia turned to face him, her other hand resting limply on her stomach as she let her hand be held by his. Their words were silent as they both looked into each other's eyes. He gave a soft smile, receiving a small grin in reply. Olivia's other hand found his, and she felt her eyes close in the safety that was Brian.
They slept like that, hands assuring both of them that life would go on, and they would move on. It was just so hard to believe that when the shadows she used to work alongside became the demons that sought to destroy her.
That night her demons were kept at bay.
Her partner laid in his bed, doing the only thing he could. He thought about everything that had gone wrong. It was the same thing he'd thought about every night after Olivia had been rescued. Whenever he had time to himself, a moment of silence even, his mind would wander to the past.
The fear he faced in the pit of his stomach when they'd found Olivia gone, her blood the only thing she left behind, had been the most intense he'd ever felt. He went back almost as much as she did.
:::
His heart pounded as he readied himself to go into the beach home from where Olivia's call had come from He was the one who had been chosen to go in. It was his partner who was in there, and it was his job to go get her back. But he was afraid of how he'd find her.
He went in anyway, Olivia meeting him at the turn of the first hallway.
Nick immediately felt his heart jump into his throat, his heart beating faster and harder than it ever had. He holstered his gun, reaching his hands out for her, seeing her legs wobbling unsteadily, her upper body swaying slowly as she ran her hands along the walls, trying to keep herself upright.
"Liv. Liv. You ok?" He got to her taking her right hand and putting an arm on her back as he spoke close to her.
Her face was bleeding, her eye blackened, arms bruised, burned and sliced. He could feel his own head pound when he saw hers, blood still oozing from the large wound. Her wrists were so bruised and welted that Nick was afraid he'd hurt her if he held her hand, but he couldn't let go.
Olivia didn't answer him.
"He's in the bedroom." She spoke in a shaky, unrecognizable voice - one that scared him.
He walked her toward the door as he glanced down at her left wrist, bruised terribly. It was broken, no doubt. She shook against him, and it broke his heart that he could do nothing to help.
"Ok. I'll get someone in here." He opened the door and watched her stop upon seeing the incredible police presence. All eyes were on her, and he could feel her wanting to disappear.
He threw the blanket he held over her.
"It's over now, Liv. It's over."
He had believed before that he'd get a feeling of relief when he saw her, but what he felt was anything but. It was almost more scary to see her in the shape that she was than to be fearing for her life as she continued to be missing.
:::
Nick sat up in his bed, throwing the covers off in frustration. Another sleepless night awaited him. He walked to the window in his bedroom, watching the lights of the city, those moving and those in fixed positions, knowing that she wouldn't be sleeping much throughout the night either.
It wasn't fair. Olivia hadn't deserved this.
It was perpetrators like Lewis, those who showed the many flaws in the justice system, that made him want to turn in his badge, hand over his gun for someone else to take over. Sometimes it was just too much. But he knew that he had to do it - simply because no one else could.
They all dedicated their lives to getting justice for every victim they came across. They all put their lives on the line for strangers, people on the streets they didn't even know. Olivia, after fulfilling her duties for 15 years had not deserved the hand she'd been dealt, and it destroyed Nick a little more every day knowing he couldn't do a thing to change it.
The captain had been speaking with Barba about the trial that was forthcoming, still quite a ways in the future. He sat up late that night, reading through the files that had been left on his desk.
He shivered again when he saw the pictures: the blood stains deep in Olivia's carpet, the chair, the duct tape, and the bed post with which she'd beaten him to within an inch of his life. When he sat back in his chair, Cragen could not help but go back as well.
:::
She came out of the house when he stepped out of the squad car. His throat tightened, and he swallowed hard as he saw what Lewis had done to her. There was so much blood that it alarmed him. Her hands were stiff in the position they held, out a ways from her body as she kept them raised as her body shook.
The relief was only short-lived as he froze in the spot he stood. She was alive, but struggling even to walk. It hurt him, every fiber of his being seeing her like that. For so many years, more than he could count on both hands, he'd been the one to watch out for her.
He'd always known something like this would happen. It was inevitable with how dedicated Olivia was to her work. She'd saved lives for over a decade, and it left her looking like she did, hair damp, skin glowing with sweat as blood mingled over bruises and welts and burns.
It honestly felt like he'd been stabbed.
He couldn't move. He just watched Olivia as her partner speak words of comfort in her ear as he supported her.
:::
Cragen turned out his light, not even bothering to go to his bed. He laid out on the couch in the darkness of the night, knowing it was pointless to even attempt sleep. The world was rotating slower than it had, and on a crooked axle.
He had to hope it would be right again soon, but he also knew that it wasn't going to right itself.
They would have to help Olivia get her life back to whatever normal she could achieve.
They had to get her back. It was not a choice they had, but a duty they'd taken upon themselves.
And they would succeed even if it took the rest of their lives.