Chapter 2

She couldn't sleep for days after they left Jack frozen in the portal. Every time she closed her eyes, his frozen visage haunted her. She would wake up in a cold sweat, panting and feeling her heart racing. Leaving him behind had not been an option as far as she was concerned. But Teal'c and Daniel had convinced her to return to the SGC long enough to gather some more equipment and personnel.

When they'd returned to try and retrieve him, he was no longer where they'd left him. Sam found herself hoping that the Asgard had finally arrived to rescue him and that he would be returned to them quickly. Several months later, she was still hoping, but it was getting harder and harder to remain optimistic.

She'd gotten up and taken a shower that morning and the emotions that she'd been running from finally caught up to her. The loss of Janet, the loss of Jack and the news that a dear friend and former colleague, Dr. Adriana Capwell, had died from brain cancer sent her into a crying jag unlike any she'd experienced in recent memory. The combination of the warm water and body wracking sobs left her feeling spent when she finally turned the shower off and exited. By that time, nearly an hour had gone by and she had very little time to dress and drive to the mountain.

Just as she walked out of the locker room, the alarm klaxon started blaring. Thankful she'd at least been able to change into her uniform, she immediately reversed her direction and made her way to the control room. As hard as she had tried to keep her feelings from work and remain completely professional, particularly in her dealings with Dr. Weir, her mental state was deteriorating and she knew it.

For some reason, these klaxons (a sound she hadn't heard much in the past few months) had stirred what little hope remained in her heart. This just had to be good news. She needed some good news.

When she arrived, Daniel and Teal'c were already there and Sgt. Davis was frantically trying to close the iris with no success. Ignoring the questioning look she got from Daniel, she walked to the chair at the station next to Davis. Rather than take a seat, she gripped the back of the chair, hard.

She heard Dr. Weir asking why the iris wasn't closing. She heard Davis say he was trying and then stating that the base was losing power. She saw the lights dim and stared at the 'gate, watching as airmen took defensive positions, weapons raised. Hope, unbidden, began filling her soul. They'd seen this happen before…

"You okay, Sam?" Daniel asked. Sam ignored him, and reminded herself to breathe. Then 'he' walked through, hands raised in a gesture of surrender. And she froze.

"It's Jack!" she heard Daniel shout. She was still standing in a daze when Daniel and Teal'c, followed by Dr. Weir, walked into the 'gate room to greet him.

"He's alive; he's back. He's alive…" she thought.

"Colonel?" Davis asked.

"What?" Sam asked, without taking her eyes off the scene before her. Airmen were standing down and moving out, smiles were gracing faces. Dr. Weir joined the others in greeting the returning hero.

Sam watched as he scanned the room. As he continued to make pleasantries with his welcoming committee, he looked toward the control room and his eyes finally found hers. Relief and joy flickered across his face to be quickly replaced by his standard half-smile as he looked away from her and back to those in the 'gate room.

"Are you okay?" Davis asked.

"What?" Sam asked again while giving Walter a rather confused look. "Oh, yeah," she said, feeling her cheeks heat up. "I was just…"

"Surprised?" he asked.

"Yes," Sam said with a smile as she began walking quickly to join the welcoming committee.

All four heads turned as she walked into the 'gate room.

"Hey, Carter," Jack said with a smile as she approached the group.

"Sir, it's good to see you," Sam said, smiling and tightly gripping her hands behind her back. The urge to embrace him was overwhelming.

"That's Lt. Colonel Carter now," Daniel said, giving a little nod in Sam's direction.

"Is that right?" Jack asked with a prideful smile.

Weir interjected, "Why don't we get you to the infirmary for a checkup and then we can meet and catch you up on all you've missed."

The smile faded from Jack's face. "Smith still here?" Jack asked.

"Yes, sir," Sam answered, trying hard to suppress a chuckle.

"Sweet!" Jack said with a smile and then he started out the door toward the infirmary.

Sam volunteered to drive Jack to his house. She'd been maintaining it in his absence. After several silent looks and smiles at each other, Jack finally broke the silence by saying "So…did ya miss me?" He shifted to find a more comfortable position on the front seat.

A half-laugh, half-sob escaped her as she heard his attempt to lighten the mood of the moment. Unable to come up with a witty reply, she said, "Of course, sir," and tried to focus on the road.

Plans, scenarios, possibilities raced through her mind as the drive continued. Several glances at him to see if she could glean what he was thinking revealed mostly contented smiles. This caused her more puzzlement and a bit of trepidation.

"So, you want a cup of coffee, or a beer?" he asked as she put the car in park. "Uh, I do have some coffee, don't I?" She'd told him she'd looked after his place while he was missing.

"Yes, sir," Sam answered with a smile. "But I don't think there's any beer."

"Bummer," Jack said with mock disappointment. "So, you comin' in?"

"Sir…"

"Just for a few minutes, Carter," Jack said. "I just want to talk for a few minutes."

"All right," she said, with a nod and a smile. Swallowing hard, she turned the ignition off.

"Have a seat," he said as he followed her through the door and accepted the keys she held out to him.

Watching him walk straight into the kitchen, Sam wondered what he was thinking. "Sir, I really don't need any coffee," she said, hoping to learn whatever he had to tell her without delay.

"But I do, Carter," he said as he opened the cupboard that normally housed his coffee. After grabbing the coffee, he began running water in the tap. Sam sighed and walked to the couch in his living room. Sitting down, she closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to relax.

A few minutes later, he appeared with two steaming cups of coffee. After handing a cup to her, he parked himself on the corner of the table. He looked at her with an intensity she hadn't seen since he first stepped through the 'gate and caught her looking at him from the control room.

"I've decided to retire," he stated, rather flatly and without blinking.

"What?!" she asked. "Have you done that already?" She was filled with anxiety and concern.

"No, I'm going to tell the good doctor in the morning when we bring me back from the dead," he said, calmly.

"Why…" she stopped herself from asking that question. "You can't…"

"I've had a lot of time to think about this, Carter…Sam…a lot of time," he said. "This is what I want to do." He took a sip of his coffee, while still watching her.

Sam stood and began to pace; it helped her think. She had walked toward the door for the second time and turned back toward him when she stopped short, almost bumping into him.

Startled, she started to apologize, but stopped when he silently moved his hands to gently caress her cheeks and jaw. "Oh God," she thought as he asked with his eyes if what he was planning was okay. "Oh, yes," she answered, without uttering a sound.

"Something has made you happy," Grace said, smiling as she walked up to the infirmary bed and placed her hand on Sam's shoulder.

"I was just thinking about a happy memory," Sam said, wincing as she turned her head to look at the girl.

"Really?" Grace asked, her expression brightening. "What about?"

"Well, it turned into a not-so-happy memory, but you interrupted me before I got that far," Sam replied, closing her eyes as a chill ran up her spine. "Why are you here?" Sam asked while her eyes were still closed.

"Tick tock, tick tock, listen to the happy clock. Tic tock, tic tock, listen to the clock," Grace sang. Sam vaguely remembered hearing that song when she was a child, taking dance lessons.

"Sam…"

The sound of her father's voice caused her to open her eyes immediately. "Dad," Sam said, smiling. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, kiddo," he said as he brushed her bangs away from her eyes. "Story of my life, eh? Always gone when you needed me most."

"Oh, Dad…" Sam started to protest.

"No, Sam," Jacob interrupted her. "Life in the Air Force can be tough on the family. We go where we're told to go, even when we might be needed back home. When I think of all that I missed out on with you and Mark…" Jacob shook his head.

"You did the best you could," Sam interjected. "I think we turned out okay."

"Of course you did," Jacob said, smiling and stroking her cheek. "I couldn't be more proud of either of you. But a good part of that is due to the time your mother spent with you when you were little guys."

"Yeah," Sam said, closing her eyes again.

"You know, Sam," Jacob said and sighed. "Last time we spoke like this, I told you it was time to let go of the things that were preventing you from finding happiness. Why haven't you done that? Really, you don't have to be so stubborn. I have your best interests at heart."

"Dad, I'm not being stubborn, I tried to let go…I just couldn't," Sam said, her voice getting quieter as she spoke.

"Perhaps you tried to let go of the wrong thing," Jacob said and gave her hand a gentle pat.

Sam's eyes flew open, causing her to gasp in pain. "What?" she asked, weakly. But there was no response. Her father was gone.

Jack walked into the infirmary to find Daniel sitting next to Sam's bed. He'd been called to a phone conference with the President as soon as he'd returned. In a few days he would have to go to Washington to meet with the newly formed government oversight committee. This job was going to be the worst decision he'd ever made, he was sure of it.

"Hey, Daniel," Jack whispered as he approached the bedside. "Any change?"

"No," Daniel said, with a sheepish look on his face. "Dr. Smith says she lost a fair amount of blood. The carpet must have acted like a wick and drawn the blood out, rather than allowing it to clot. She did say Sam didn't fracture her skull and that she expects Sam will make a full recovery. Smith just can't say when she'll wake up. She's not entirely sure why Sam hasn't already regained consciousness."

Jack just nodded. He was having a difficult enough time keeping his professional demeanor intact. Speaking just added to the difficulty factor. Even though it was Daniel he was speaking to, he needed to keep the walls in place.

The past two months had been exceedingly difficult…for both of them. He was still finding his way with his new duties, as, he knew, was Sam. Though they'd had a lot of practice, he, at least, was finding it very difficult to keep their feelings buried because they had been let out, temporarily.

The new position just made it all more difficult. Now there was no easy conversation, no casual banter, no hint of favoritism that could be shown. He'd rebuilt and reinforced the walls that held the others out. He'd had to…and it made him appreciate General Hammond even more than he had before.

At the most inopportune moments, the unbidden memory of the moment he'd had to tell her he'd accepted this position came to his mind. It was one of the most difficult decisions he'd had to make and he had regretted it every single day. As always, his sense of duty had beat out his desire for personal happiness, and the President was just damn persuasive.

His meeting with Dr. Weir had not gone the way he'd expected. They'd talked a lot longer than he'd planned and she'd gotten the President on the phone. When he'd finally emerged from the meeting, he was thanking whatever forces guided Sam through life that he'd insisted they not get too carried away the night before. Perhaps he'd had a premonition, perhaps he just couldn't let himself be happy, but as always, he'd put what was best for her ahead of his desires and wants. Though he'd been aching for her that night, he'd wanted to take things slow and get to know her away from the SGC before they moved to the next phase. Not to mention the whole regulation thing still being in the way.

After his meeting with Weir, the walk to Sam's lab was nothing like he'd imagined. He'd hope to be nearly bouncing as he walked to tell her he was retired. Instead he had difficulty making himself put one foot in front of the other, because he was dreading the news he had to give her.

The look on her face as he entered her lab was one he held in his heart still. She had looked so beautiful, so happy, so hopeful. Then he'd had to ruin it all and every time he remembered the change that came over her, it chipped away at the crack that ran through the center of his heart.

The President had asked Jack to take command of the SGC. The Atlantis project had been announced. Hammond was still needed in Washington; Weir had been given command of the new project. The President wanted someone who was familiar with the SGC and whom he trusted to take the position. Jack had been promoted to Brigadier General.

At first Jack had said no. He had plans. He was done. He was finally going to get his chance at happiness and no assignment, no duty was going to take that from him. His mind was made up.

But Hammond had joined the President in asking and Jack owed a lot to that man. Hammond had apologized with sincerity and told Jack he knew what he was asking of him. He'd reminded Jack that he was sacrificing too as he was now over a thousand miles from his granddaughters and was having a difficult time with that.

Also, Jack had come to admire the President. Anyone who could dispose of Kinsey they way he had couldn't be all bad. Plus, Jack was impressed by Dr. Weir in their short time together. The President seemed to have the best interests of the SGC at heart.

Jack had finally acquiesced and then he'd had to go tell Sam what he'd done. To her credit, she'd handled it with professionalism and quiet acceptance, just like she'd handled every other disappointment he'd ever had to dole out to her. Still, the happy, hopeful Sam he'd seen as he walked in that afternoon had not returned and he took the full responsibility for that on himself.

"Tick toc, tick toc, listen to the happy clock…" Grace's voice came drifting into Sam's ears again. Sam turned toward the sound of the child's voice, but she was becoming annoyed by the repetition of the lyrics to the song the girl sang.

"Grace, what exactly do you want?" Sam asked, hoping to stop the singing once and for all.

"The question is, what do you want?" Grace replied.

"What?" Sam asked, her confusion and discomfort evident on her face.

"A decision before you, I see. You can have two, but you want three," Grace said in a sing-song voice.

"I would give anything for a straight answer right about now," Sam said, trying to keep her frustration at bay.

"For cryin' out loud," Grace said, her brow furrowing in a vaguely familiar manner. "For such a smart woman, you can be so dense."

Sam lifted her head off the pillow a bit as she reacted with surprise to the girl's comment. A sharp pain in her head halted the movement and caused her to wince. She squeezed her eyes shut as she slowly lowered her head back to the pillow.

"Yeah," Sam said in a whisper. "That's me…dense."

"Dense?" Teal'c asked as he sat beside her bed. "Are you referring to your cognitive abilities, Samantha?"

"Teal'c?" Sam asked as she opened one of her eyes again. She slowly opened the other eye and scanned the area, trying to determine if she had really awakened. "Yeah, I was referring to my cognitive abilities."

"I can think of many words to describe those abilities. Dense is not one of them," Teal'c said in his usual deadpan manner.

"Well, apparently, my cognitive abilities took a holiday," Sam said, closing her eyes again.

"If you are referring to your accident, it was just that," Teal'c explained, "an accident. Daniel Jackson said you were standing on a rolling chair in an attempt to reach a box and that you pulled the box down on top of yourself when you fell."

"That would explain why my ribs feel so wonderful," Sam said, opening her eyes and smiling slightly. She frowned slightly when she saw Daniel sitting where Teal'c had been.

"What were you looking for, Sam?" Daniel asked, leaning forward slightly.

"I'm not sure…" Sam said, her brow furrowing in confusion. "I can't remember…"