P.H-Second chapter!

P.B-Enjoy it or die!(P.H.: My, aren't we violent today…)

Gaara- That was my line…These two hug rapists don't own Naruto and I thank God everyday that they don't.

Kakashi hopped to the end of the table. "Over here, monsieur." He called to Minato. Minato grabbed what he thought was a normal candle stick, and spun around looking for the myyysssterrioussss voice.

"Who said that?"

"Over here." Kakashi tapped his shoulder. Minato spun the opposite way. "Where?"

"Here." Kakashi whacked Minato across the head. Minato looked at the candle stick dumbfound. "Allo'" Kakashi greeted, Minato shouted and dropped Kakashi.

"DEMON CANDLE STICK!" Minato screamed. "I know I'll put your spirit it to my already freakish son!"

Kakashi looked up at the blonde man. "I assure you monsieur I am not a demon candle stick…I'm just a talking candle stick."

Minato chuckled. "Oh good!"

Iruka jumped down and glared at Kakashi. "Well, now you've done it, Kakahi. Splendid, just peachy--aaarrrgghh!" Minato lifted Iruka up to his face.

"How is this accomplished?"

"Put me down at once!!" Iruka yelled. Minato turned Iruka around and began to wind the spring on the back of him, causing a very painful look to cross Iruka's face, he shouted out. "Kakashi!"

Kakashi chuckled. "It's kinkier when somebody else does it to you."

Minato turned Iruka around again, and opened the front, and played with the pendulum. Iruka shirked, "Do, you MIND?!" he slammed his front closed on Minato's finger.

"What's going on here?" Minato asked looking at both Kakashi and Iruka fascinated.

"Besides the fact that you manhandled an enchanted clock? Hmm." Kakashi tapped his chin. Iruka glared at Kakashi "I was not manhandled."

"Ah-Ah---AAHHHCHOOOO!" Minato sneezed right into Iruka's face. Iruka opened his eyes slowly, and wiped away the mucus from his face. "That was very rude of you to indicate you got a cold from the rain, you could have simply told us and covered your mouth." He stated slowly.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Poor guy, why don't you warm yourself by the fire?"

Minato sniffed "Thank you." He set Iruka down and followed Kakashi towards the den. Iruka gasped, "No, no, no, no, NO! Do you know what the master will do if he finds out! I demand you to stop…right…there!" Iruka chased after them, tripping down the stairs to the den. When he looked up he found Minato sitting down in a large chair while an enchanted coat hanger placed a warm blanket over him. "Oh no not the Master's chair." He groaned, as a footstool known as Akamaru ran past Iruka barking loudly. "I'm not seeing this." Iruka said quietly.

Minato patted Akamaru's head. "Hello there!" Akamaru ran under Minato's feet and lifted them up with a happy bark. "What service, those good vibes are back again!"

Iruka grunted and stood up, "All right this has gone far enough, I'm in charge here and-"

A tea cart zoomed over Iruka sending him to the floor again.

A tea pot with unnaturally large eyebrows pulled up next to Minato. "How would you like some tea of YOUTH?!" Gai smiled, "It will warm you up." He said as he poured the tea from his spout into a tiny cup with the same kind of eyebrows named Lee. "Would you like some sugar of TRUTH?!"

"N-No…thank though." Minato said shrinking back a little. Lee hopped into Minato's hand.

"No tea." Iruka's muffled voice came. "No tea!"

"It's not tea!" Gai shouted offended. "It's tea of YOUTH!"

"Fine! No tea of youth!"

Minato ignored the two arguing enchanted items and sipped his tea. The small cup giggled. "It tickles Mama!"

Gai sighed, "Lee, I am not your mother."

Minato looked down at the cup about to say something when the doors slammed open, the large flame in the fireplace went out, yeah the person who opened the door is just that evil. Lee jumped behind Gai frightened. "Uh oh." He shivered.

Minato cursed the vibes.

Itachi came into the room slowly. "There's a stranger here." He growled.

Kakashi bravely came forward. "Master, allow me to explain. The gentleman was lost in the woods and he was cold and wet..." Itachi roared blowing out Kakashi's flames. Kakashi looked down. "Hard ass." He grumbled.

Iruka was the next to speak"Master, I'd like to take this moment to say...I was against this from the start. I tried to stop them, but would they listen to me? No, no, no!" Itachi growled loudly, Iruka gulped. Minato looked over the side of the chair, and slide down, those fucking vibes. Itachi appeared next to him "Who are you! What are you doing here?!"

"I-I'm sorry I got lost in the woods and…"

"Getting lost in the woods doesn't give you the right to stay here! You're not welcomed here!"

"I'm sorry…"

Itachi glared at him more. "What are you staring at?"

"No-nothing."

"Sooooooo you've come to stare at the beast!" he pointed to his wolf ears. Minato tried to get away.

"I didn't mean any harm I just needed a place to stay."

"I'll give you a place to stay!" Itachi yelled grabbing poor Minato by the collar and carried him away from the room.

"Oh please! No! No!" Minato begged and then the doors slammed shut, silencing the poor man's cries.

"Well shit." Kakashi said. "If I knew Master would react like that I wouldn't have let the poor guy in."

Iruka lunged at Kakashi's throat.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Ochimaru and Sasuke stood in front of Naurto's cottage. Ochimaru snikered. "Heh! Oh boy! Naruto is gonna get the surprise of his life, huh Sasuke?"

"Yep! This is her lucky day!" Sasuke declared fixing his collar. Ochimaru sighed. There was just no convincing him about Naruto's gender. Sasuke turned to everyone in the yard. "I'd like to thank you all for coming to my emo wedding! But first I better go in there and….propose to the girl." He chuckled at his own joke. Everyone laughed nervously. A few people asked out; "Does he even know?"

Sakura and Ino sobbed. Sasuke turned back to Ochimaru. "Now Ochimaru when Naruto and I come out that door--"

"Oh I know! I know I strike up the band!" the black haired man waved his arms to the band, which played the bridal march. Sasuke slammed at baritone on Ochimaru's head.

"Not yet." Sasuke snapped. Ochimaru's tongue slipped out the mouth piece, "Sthorry!"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Naruto laid across a chair reading his book when a knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. The blonde stood and gracefully made his way to the door, he glanced through the viewing device his father built, to see a fish eyed view of Sasuke, Naruto rolled his eyes and moaned.

With great reluctance, the young blond opened the door, "Sasuke, what a pleasant… surprise…" The unveiled sarcasm in Naruto's tone was either completely above Sasuke's comprehension, or the arrogant emo just ignored it. We can't be entirely sure.

Sasuke just grinned, which made Naruto want to grind his teeth, "Isn't it though? I'm just full of surprises. You know, Naruto, there's not a girl in town who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. This is the day..." The raven (A/N: I just don't get why so many of the fanfiction I read just refers to Sasuke as 'the raven') paused, he had become distracted by his reflection and was preening in the mirror hung on the wall, he flipped a bit of his midnight hair out of his face. He suddenly picked the conversation back up as if nothing had taken his attention away from it, "This is the day your dreams come true." Sasuke gave Naruto an indulgent smile.

Naruto was about to give the jerk the dressing-down of the century, but paused and considered the words, "You mean you finally realized I'm a boy and will give up your crazy ideas of marriage?"

Sasuke just laughed, "Oh, you're so silly!" He leaned forwards a bit and poked Naruto gently on his pert little nose, causing the blond to flush in anger.

Naruto smacked the offending appendage away, "What the hell do you know of my dreams, teme?!?"

Sasuke walked past Naruto from the entrance and fully into the house, without permission. The blond practically radiated anger, but he was rather interested in exactly what warped ideas the bastard has put together in his head.

"Plenty, here, picture this." Naruto bit back a growl as Sasuke plopped into a chair and put his mud-covered boots up, right onto the blond's book, before kicking the shoes off and exposing his icky holey socks. With a wiggle of his toes, Sasuke began to regale Naruto with what life would be like for them, "A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet, while the little ones play with the dogs.

Naruto made a strange noise in the back of his throat, somewhere between extreme disgust and exasperation, "I'm a boy…"

The quite declaration was absolutely ignored by Sasuke; the raven got up to face Naruto, "We'll have six or seven."

"…dogs?" Naurto was growing tried of the conversation and just wanted the bastard gone.

"No Naruto! Strapping little emo boys! Like me!"

Naruto sighed and rubbed his temples in an attempt to get rid of a quickly forming headache, he picked up the dirtied book and replaced it on the bookshelf, 'Is it even possible to be this oblivious?'

"Imagine that." Naruto replied flatly.

"And do you know who that wife will be?"

Naruto kept his gaze on the books, hearing Sasuke getting up from the chair. "Let me think."

Sasuke spun Naruto around to face him cornering him. "You, Naruto."

Naruto ducked under Sasuke's arms and crossed across the room quickly, Sasuke in suit knocking chairs out of his way.

"Sasuke, I'm speechless-PICK UP THAT CHAIR!"

Sasuke had Naruto pinned against the door. "Sasuke I-"

"Say you'll marry me."

"I'm very sorry Sasuke" Naurto's hand felt around for the doorknob. "I'm…I'm just better than you!" he yelled opening the door he ducked under as Sasuke stumbled outside into a pit of mud. The band began to play the wedding march, Naruto tossed out Sasuke's boots and slammed the door shut again.

Orochimaru came forward as Sasuke lifted his head that a pig sat atop. Orochimaru chuckled and lifted up Sasuke's bangs with a stick. "How'd it go?"

Sasuke's hand shot out and grabbed Orochimaru by the throat pulling him forward.

"I will make Naruto my wife. Make no mistake of that!" He said darkly. He flung poor Orochimaru into the mud and struggled out himself. Orochimaru looked over at the pig. "Touchy."

Naruto peeked out of the house after a while. "Is he gone?" he asked the chickens as if the truly understood him. He stepped out fully, "Can you imagine, he asked me to marry him! Me, the wife of that, boorish, brainless…"

Naruto looked left, and then to his right. He hopped down the stairs and made a total 360 around the cottage and sighed happily. No village people to join in on his solo.

"Madame Sasuke, can't you just see it
Madame Sasuke, his little wife
Not me, no sir, I guarantee it
I want much more than this provincial life..."

XOXOXOXOXO

Itachi's head perked up. "I hear another fucking musical number beginning."

XOXOXOXOXO

"I-"

A loud whine startled Naruto from finishing his song. He swore inwardly, and turned to see Gamabunta running to him without Minato. Naruto gasped, "Gamabunta what are you doing here? Where's papa? What happened? Oh you have to take me to him!" he said unhitching the wagon from the horse.

XOXOXOXOXO TIME SKIP,LAWL XOXOXOXOXO

Naruto looked up at the foreboding castle. Gamabunta bucked, Naruto slid off comforting him. "Just wait here." He said, Naruto spotted his father's hat on the ground. "Oh gods." He rushed up to the castle's doors.

Inside two enchanted items argued.

"Couldn't keep quiet, could we. Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch." Iruka sassed. Kakashi sighed. "I was just trying to be hospitable."

"Hello? Is anyone here? Papa? Pa are you here?" Naruto called softly

XOXOXOXOXO

In the kitchen Lee hopped onto the counter. "Mama Gai there's a girl in the castle!"

"God damnit little boy! I am not your mama! And stop your lying it deflowers YOUTH!" The teapot shouted and he nudged Lee into a hot bucket of soapy water.

"AAAH! THIS WATER IS NOT YOUTHFUL!" Lee cried before sinking to the bottom.

A strangely curvy feather duster swept into the room. "It is true, there is a girl in the castle."

"Oh gods Neji not you too!" Gai groaned. Lee bolted from the water. "See? I toooold ya."

"You know what this is?" the seductive feather duster spoke.

"Oh here it comes." The whole kitchen said together.

"DESTINY!" He screamed, then giggled and sashayed out of the room.

XOXOXOXOXO

Iruka continued his rant "Irresponsible, devil-May-cry-"

"Gods I love that game!" Kakashi interrupted.

"Ooh me too! Have you beaten it yet?"

"No, Virgil keeps killing me."

"Same here I swear-"

"Papa?"

The two froze. Kakashi let out a long agonized gasp and hopped forward. "Did you see that?!" he jumped up and down excitedly "It's a girl!"

"I know it's a girl!"

"She's the one! That slutty feather duster was right! Destiny has sent someone to break the spell."

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!"

Kakashi and Iruka followed Naruto and helped the poor blond find the way to his father without him even noticing that they did, how? DON'T QUESTION DISNEY!

"Papa? Papa?" Naruto called walking up a flight of stairs grabbing a small torch from the wall. Kakashi and Iruka rushed off before Naruto could actually notice them.

"Hey who's there?" he said loudly. "I'm looking for my father!"

Naruto sighed "I'm sure someone was there."

Minato's weak voice called out. "Naruto?"

Naruto ran to the cell his father was locked in. "Oh Papa!"

"How did you find me?"

Naruto held Minato's hands. "You're freezing! I have to get you out of here."

"Naruto, for once do not be stubborn and get out of here!" Minato said nervously.

"Who's done this to you?!" Naruto pleaded. "I won't leave you!"

A strong hand gripped Naruto by the shoulder and spun him around, Naruto screamed and dropped the torch into a small puddle sending the dungeon into darkness.

TBC …

Phantom Hand: Oh yes, aren't we evil. Lawl. I'm kind of ashamed, since I did nearly NONE of the work for this chapter… I wrote a few paragraphs, most of the work was done by my partner in crime, Pink Haired Brat.

Pink Haired Brat: Party on, Phantom Hand!

Phantom Hand: You were watching Waynes World again, weren't you?

Pink Haired Brat: Maybe. Party on Gaara.

Gaara: Party on Pinky!

Phantom Hand: Anyway… the only point of all this is to inform everyone of my shame, and to say that the letters in 'Sasuke' can be rearranged to spell 'ass uke.' So until next time… read, flame, or review. And remember, don't abuse your uke.

Pink Haired Brat: They really don't deserve it, cept Sasuke. He's begging for it.