Title: Battles and Wars, Scars and Loss
Author: Vera Steine
Disclaimer: RTD and the BBC own them, alas. Dido owns the lyrics that inspired the title, which can be found on her album, "Life For Rent".
Spoilers: none
Author's notes: More Ianto angst, really… Please let me know how you feel about Jack in this chapter, I'm not always sure about him. Other than that, enjoy!
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after all the battles and wars, the scars and loss
I am still the queen of my domain
and feeling stronger now
the walls are down a little more each day, since you came
finally, finally things are changing
From: "This Land Is Mine", by Dido
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"End of Days"
--
He woke up, and he was alone.
It was dark, and he was alone.
It was late at night, and he was alone.
He pushed the duvet off his body and rolled onto his side, sitting up in the dark, lonely room. It was cold, and he shivered. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, standing still for a moment to adjust his body to a vertical position after so long in a horizontal one. He walked, on touch and memory, around the bed toward the door. He opened the door, and stepped into the hallway, turning left towards the living room. He followed the corridor and arrived in the living room, which was empty.
He was alone.
It made sense to be alone, because this was his flat, and Jack had never been there. It made sense, also, to head towards the kitchen, to look there, even though Jack couldn't be there, because this was his flat, and he was alone. He went on and checked every room in the house, and every room was empty.
Because he was alone.
He opened the front door, went out into the street, and there was no one there. He walked down the street, he ran, until he reached the Plass, and there, too, there was no one. It was light now, but there was no one there, not even the seagulls that normally swarmed across the bay. He was alone, even when he unlocked the tourist office door and went inside. He was alone, when he went into the hub, because even Myfamwy wasn't there, inexplicably gone from her perch high up near the ceiling. He went up to Jack's office, but he knew Jack wouldn't be there. He went down to the autopsy bay, but Owen wasn't there either. He went to the archives, but no one came there except him, so there was no there, too. Then at last, desperate for any company, he went to the cells. And there was no one there, too, because he was alone. There was no one there, except in the last cell. He looked inside, and there was a lone figure there, sitting on the floor, huddled against the back wall, face turned away in the faint light, staring at a spot on the floor.
He recognized that coat. He recognized that tie. He recognized that shirt. The shoes. The belt. He recognized it, because he recognized himself.
--
His throat was raw, when he woke up, startled, almost bewildered, fighting the blankets. Abruptly, he realised he was screaming, sobbing, and closed his mouth, pressing his fist to it to stop the sound from escaping. After a moment, when he was sure it was safe, he took a few deep breaths, steadying himself and untangling his legs from the blankets. He swung his feet over the side of the bed, when he heard a noise above.
Jack slid down the ladder at double speed, a frightened, startled look in his eyes that he turned on Ianto, something frantic sparking behind his blue gaze. "Ianto! What's wrong?"
Ianto leaned his elbows on his knees, settling his head on his hands, and looked at Jack. "I'm all right," he said quickly, trying to reassure Jack. "Really, it was just a dream."
Jack knelt before him, putting a hand on his shoulder, fixing him with an intense look. "Are you sure? I heard you, from the hub."
"Bad dream, is all, " Ianto said, willing his voice not shake, taking comfort from the hand on his shoulder, not wanting to ask for more.
"You want to talk about it?" Jack said, concern colouring his voice.
Ianto shrugged. "I dreamt I was alone." He took a deep breath, willing the emotions that had been so overwhelming in the dream not to overwhelm him again. "There was no one in the city, in the hub, anywhere. Except me - in the cells. I saw myself…"
Jack's hand squeezed his shoulder, giving him some much-needed support. He came out of his crouching position and sat down next to Ianto on the bed, the hand sliding across his shoulders, Jack's arm pulling him closer. Ianto leaned into the contact gratefully.
"Jack," he said, not wanting to reveal how much the dream had rattled him, "I'm okay, really."
"I know," Jack replied, his voice reassuring. "Just relax."
Ianto did as he was told, letting Jack's presence soothe his jumbled emotions, closing his eyes. He felt Jack press a kiss in his hair and squirmed. Jack's amused chuckle followed him from wakefulness back into a dreamless sleep.
tbc.