August 3rd, 2011
So, obviously since I'm off on "vacation", I won't be seeing my therapist Dr. Kenwar for a while. I thought that'd probably be a dramatic thing and maybe cost my mom some money, but it turns out I'm not the very first client ever to go on vacation. Who would've thought?
Kenwar's cool with the idea that we won't be seeing each other for about a month, but I think he could tell that I sorta wasn't. Before he wished me good luck in America, he told me that if I ever find myself wishing I could talk to him while I'm gone, to keep a list so that I'll remember everything I want to say when I get home.
Babyish as that was, I fully intended to do it. However… My days have been a lot less despair-filled than I assumed.
For a couple of days since I've arrived here, I've been struggling to apply a name or a reason to the haze of euphoria I've been experiencing. (Not to say that it's the sort of euphoria that druggie rock-stars sing about, but a song written by Enya, maybe.)
Usually I wouldn't question a good thing, but feelings of rich happiness are so scarce anymore that, much like the aforementioned druggie rock-stars, once I've felt it again, I can think of nothing but how to duplicate the experience.
It's weird, because everything about being here is totally annoying. The freezing guest room I'm sleeping in is annoying, having to sit together with everyone at dinner is annoying, Effie is super ultra mega annoying, and the fact that my lifeline to Sierra keeps being dropped by an awful wifi connection is… Annoying.
But somehow despite all of that, I feel… happy. Like that genuine, low-maintenence happy that's just kind of a thrum in your chest.
Honestly, It feels something akin to nostalgia, like when you watch a show you used to like when you were little and it's complete shit now but you just can't hate it. I wondered if maybe, just maybe, it might have to do with seeing June again. (Hey, I didn't think I missed June, but stranger things have happened.)
So I waited until I knew Jace and Effie had left the house before slowly creeping out of my room and into the sunlit hall. After dallying a bit in the kitchen and pretending to rummage through the fridge, I took a left turn into the living room to join June, careful to do so in a way that would imply it was totally by accident.
I failed to slip in undetected though, and her voice shattered my eardrums before my butt could even hit the seat.
"Ii tenki desu ne! Whatchu need, baby sis?"
If I were a cat, all of my fur would've stuck up and my tail would've puffed out.
"You've never been to Japan, June," I said. Then I couldn't decide how to answer her question, so I said "You need better internet service. Pronto."
I slumped further into the armchair I'd chosen and let the over-stuffed cushion try to swallow me whole. June adjusted her position on the couch in just the opposite way, back straight and hands folded sweetly in her lap. She ignored my second comment because I had apparently injured her pride. "Just because I've never gotten to go there doesn't mean I can't speak our family's native tongue!"
"But you know, like, six phrases! Total!"
She pouted before sticking her hands out and counting silently on her fingers. She gave a puzzled look when she passed 10 and had no more to count. I guess the cute act never gets old.
"I know at least 11 I think!"
I sucked in a breath and rolled my eyes. "At least I've been to Japan."
Her eyes shot open wide. "You have!? When?"
"In Total Drama World - Ugh! You know what? Never mind. This was a sound experiment, but I definitely did not miss you!"
"H-Hey, wha? Heather!"
I hopped up from the armchair and went back to my room, June having brought me no greater feeling than a headache. In an attempt to lessen it I untied my hair and let it all fall gently to my shoulders. It's longer now than I thought it was - I guess I haven't noticed because I just tie it up every day.
I ran my fingers through it to try to pull out any knots and recognized a familiar thickness to it - It felt healthier and softer than it has since before it all got shaved. For a few moments I just kept running my fingers through it, grinning and enjoying the feeling between my fingers. It was like my old hair, almost. Not long enough, but the texture was there again, it wasn't coarse feeling anymore.
I pattered off to the bathroom down the hall again, deciding that I'd borrow June's flat iron and straighten it today. Whatever it is that's got me feeling so nice, it's even making my hair feel happier.
-ℋ
August 3rd, 2011
I've figured it out!
I know I wrote earlier today already, but I had such a good time at the beach that I wanted to write about it before I went to bed! I'll try to be quick.
Jace returned from town with Effie in tow a few minutes after I finished writing my last entry, and June went right to work putting away groceries and then assembling sub sandwiches. I tried to take one from the counter once she finished it, but she shooed me away because the sandwiches were to be packed into a basket to take with us to the beach.
I stuck my tongue out. "You sure you wanna bring food near the water anyways?"
June made a face. "Why, do you get stomach aches or something?"
"... No. I meant like, because of the sharks and stuff."
June laughed. "The… sharks? Sissy, there's… not any sharks in the water here."
Holy shit.
It was like someone had just hit me upside the head.
I was shocked. Entirely blindsided. I had completely forgotten that sharks were not common everyday obstacles that had to be dealt with in even the smallest bodies of water.
This water wasn't going to have any sharks in it.
I was completely mesmerized.
No way.
Effie started laughing and snorting behind me, sticking her chubby hand in front of my face and waving it. "You alright, Aunt Heath? This is like, the real ocean. Not like, a lake that Chris McLean stocked with shark bears."
I cracked a smile. And then I started laughing. How ridiculous! How… I don't even have a better word! Ridiculous!
"Come on Effie," I said, still trying to swallow down the last wave of laughter as I pulled her towards the hall. "Let's get our swimming stuff on."
"Alright!" she said, a little more enthusiastic now that I'd included her. "Hey, were there really bear-sharks?"
But that was a story for another time. I didn't want to think about Total Drama anymore. I wanted to go to a normal beach with normal water and normal inhabitants. I wanted to put on my new swimming suit and look hot as hell sunbathing, I wanted to hang out with the sexy guys and send my rejects to Effie.
And I did. I did all of that.
We stayed until it was getting dark and cold, until Effie was yawning and trying to coax me out of the water so we could go, but I was still floating serenely on my back, my hair spread into an opaque halo around my head. It was right then that it hit me what this feeling is, what it's been this whole time.
Summer.
The warmth, the happiness - it all bloomed not from anything concrete I'd seen or heard but from a feeling that seemed to rise and rise and rise from my core, enveloping me, a mystical steam out the top of my head-a feeling like a trance, a dream, a reverie.
Summer.
I haven't been allowed to enjoy my summer in… three years? Three different summers, Total Drama's taken from me.
Three different times it's robbed me this feeling, this euphoria.
Never again.
The eventual drive back to the house was quiet and perfect, and I decided that once I got here, I'd start that list for Dr. Kenwar. I know what I want it to be about, now.
A List Of Things Total Drama Stole From Me, I Am So Fucking Bitter
(a work in progress)
- Approximately three million dollars
- Three feet of my hair
- Three years I could've spent dancing
- Three summers that I deserved to enjoy
To be continued.
-ℋ