Chapter 2

Yellow teeth

Listen, this is how it's going to go. I'll continue this if you want but you're going to have to review. I'm a person typing this, thanks for all the favourite addy's but that doesn't really satisfy me. Tell me it's shit if you'd like, I'd fucking prefer that than hearing nothing. But thanks to tiadorna, this one is for you.

My head was pounding for two weeks solid; I lay in bed each and every night covered in a thin layer of sweat. I hadn't bathed in a week or really looked at myself in the mirror in three weeks. I knew my wrists were bandaged from the hospital. I could feel my front tooth was chipped and my incisor missing. Dark circles laced my eyes and my lips were cracked and bleeding. I got sick most mornings. Each time I had shat a torrent of sludge would burn my asshole. My body was burning itself clean and scorching my mind but still all I wanted was a fucking drink. I could close my eyes and hear a bottle of vodka spill its way into a shot glass. I could feel my hand encapsulate the cold hard bottle that could turn me on more than any dick ever would. I could see the pure white crystal of good nose candy on my bedside locker, so light and easy.

If I was at home I could at least talk to Angela, Lauren or hell, even Jessica. We would distract each other, have a smoke. All Purity had to offer you was coffee and a selection of fresh fruit and vegetables that turned my shit the funkiest shades of brown, black and green. I didn't speak to fucking anyone here, other than that guy who I met in the group session. After it had ended I walked over to him. When I saw his name badge red 'Fuck off and stop being so nosy', I knew he could give me what I wanted. Jay and I never really said much to each other, we just fucked. He was no "backwards cowgirl" type of guy but he'd do. Fucking was a nice break from all the talking.

Each and every session I had with Renee this week was the same shit over and over again. I would make a statement and the dumb ditzy bitch would ask me about my fucking feelings. The thing was, all I could think about was having my poisons. Even when I was fucking Jay in his room, his lips were fucking vodka. His dried white junk on my jeans was coke.

And even with my messed up head we talked. And fucking talked. I told Renee how I never knew my father and that I had a sneaking fucking suspicion my mother didn't either. How I hated her. That I had ran away from home four times by the time I was 6 and was taken into protective services at about 7. I didn't remember much about her if I'm honest, just the smell of smoke, cheap acidic wine, never having electricity and being scared. What a fucking delight she was. Renee, putting on that bullshit voice again, told me that she died last year and then held her fucking arms out as if to hug me.

'Fuck off, she was never my mother anyways', was all I had to say about it. I never knew her anyways, it'd been ten years. I didn't need some freaky fucking hippy hug. I didn't think about it again, we moved on in our conversation to some other trivial fucking topics.

It was shit that Renee knew my back-story. Since I had told her what she needed to know, she wanted to know how I felt about it all. I told her all she needed to know, I'm confused, I'm angry, I'm pathetic. It wasn't enough, she wanted to know why I felt like this? And then how do I feel about feeling like this? She was asking too many fucking dumb questions that really didn't have the fucking answers to. I thought that was her fucking job. If the gang in Forks could see me now, they would shit themselves laughing. Or at least Lauren would. They would probably know by now that something was up, my fosters wouldn't tell them, but they would know. After I started cutting people started talking. I wasn't just fucking about and having fun anymore, suddenly "I was sick". That was bullshit. We all cut every time we pulled a whitey, drank too much for too many days or had some shit coke. Cutting was the same thing really, just a lot fucking cheaper.

On Monday we had the most idiotic conversation. That was when I really started to consider leaving this place.

'What did you do last night Bella?' Renee asked in an incredibly whiny voice, her head tilting to the side like a sad puppy. I couldn't get over how she could put so much fucking emotion into a question she didn't want to ask? I was seriously fucking sick of her pretending to hang on my every word.

'You're getting paid to do this hippy bitch, you don't care about us so please cut the fucking bullshit empathy. If you must know the highlight was taking a very exquisite dump in that dumb bitch Rosalie's bathroom. I left it there with a note telling her to "eat it".'

She responded with, 'and how did that make you feel Bella?'

'Fuck off Renee.'

'Why are you so angry Bella? You obviously want help. You don't like who you are. You're not happy. If you want to change things around you've got to work with me, not against me Bella.'

Snickering I said, 'I'm angry because I haven't had any blow in 2 weeks and I'm sore from fucking Jasper, the guy from our group sessions. You know, he fucks like he's pogo stick'.

'Did that make you feel better?'

'Yes', I managed as I continued laughing at this bullshit interaction.

'No. I don't think it did Bella, I think it distracted you. That's how you work, distraction. You have an addictive personality. Over the years you have developed these character traits that make you more susceptible to becoming dependent on substances. You're abusing substances and yourself to avoid dealing with why you feel shit. You take shit to hurt yourself. You don't do it for the high do you? You just don't like yourself. It could be just your mother, or just your father, or everything. I need to find out what it is so I can help you. That's it, that's all I want to do, ok?'

'You're shit at your job Renee, you and your little team of white coats can't help me.'

'Ok, I'm going to finish this session early. You really shouldn't be engaging in sexual activity. It's one of our rules, measures will have to be taken to ensure this doesn't occur again. This is an opportunity for you Bella and I'm not interested in a power struggle, I'm not going to break you. You need to change some things in your life, if you want I can help you with that.'

'If you think I'm ever going to trust you, you need to get laid. Shake your shit up a little. You're getting all old and confused,' I said.

'You were so open when you first came in here, I could tell you were just a really confused young lady. You are smart and funny and much better than this. You deserve more than being a regular here at Purity, coming back when you're deeper and deeper in. You need to stop hurting yourself and get out of this cycle now.'

'I get it', I replied. I had seen first hand at what happened when you don't get out. Last I had heard James was pretty serious with smack and you don't usually come back from that shit.

On Tuesday I spent the day alone, not contemplative or anything. Just bored and frustrated. I wanted to leave. I kept away from Jasper like they told me to, ignoring him when he came over at breakfast. He didn't care seemed to like some little newbie anyway, a little zippy anorexic called Allie. She was sweet, addicted to diet pills, which is a pussy addiction, but whatever.

On Wednesday I brought a thesaurus into our one-on-one session. When she fucking used the word "feel" three times before I had gotten to my chair I lost it.

'If you say "feel" once more, I swear to god, I'm going to fucking tear these walls down. Please, just look up some other fucking words if we're going to do this.'

As I took aim, I sensed my wasted yellowed arms taughten under its weight. I threw the fat leather book at her and was left with a slow ache pulsing through my arms for a few moments. Throwing was such a release, but that simple fucking fling left me tired. I didn't care too much, but I realised that my foster parents were right when they said I really had made a shit out of my body.

Bitch caught it with one hand just before it smacked her in the face. Clearly she had her green tea this morning. If I didn't hate the woman so much, I'd be impressed. She didn't get mad, she didn't even mention it. She just flicked it open, leafing through the pages absentmindedly. She didn't speak, so neither did I. The air in the room became heavy with tension, then, she broke the silence…

'Blessed. Have you ever felt blessed Bella?'

'I'm not fucking religious Renee, but if you weren't so busy being so fucking shit at your job you'd notice.'

'I don't mean it in a religious sense Bella. If you weren't such a shit patient you'd listen.'

'What the fuck? You can't talk to me like that.' I argued in disbelief. I didn't know who was paying her but I'm pretty sure she didn't get to say things like that to me.

'You're right, I probably shouldn't, but it's true. Just answer the question. To feel blessed, Bella. Have you ever felt blessed?'

'I don't get it Renee,' I said and shrugged.

'To feel blessed is to think you are worthy. Blissfull, endowed, favored, fortunate, glad, granted, joyful, joyous, lucky. Do you feel good Bella? Do you experience that? Are you thankful for anything you have Bella?

'Not really.'

'Why not?'

'What the fuck do I have?' I shouted.

'Anything you want. You just want the wrong things. So, what do you want Bella?'

'Cocaine.' I pulled at frayed edges of a grey cushion on my deep blue chair. I concentrated on the feeling of the fibres that I ripped from it. Squeezing and rolling them into a ball as my fingers and thumb brushed to make a snapping sound of bone against bone.

'I'm serious Bella, one way to move from drug and alcohol addiction is to see what else is out there. What else you could be spending your time amounting to. What do you want Bella?'

'Cocaine is a $35 billion dollar industry surpassing coffee as Columbia's greatest export. Fuck it Renee, I'm doing my little bit to help Jose, Maria and little Juanita that needs new fucking sandals', I argued, with a smile of course because this whole fucking thing was a joke.

'You're smart Bella, that's fine, but what do you want?'

She stressed the words so fucking menacingly I freaked out. My pulse raced, my underarms moistened almost instantaneously. I was shitting myself. I could feel my cheeks burning.

'I don't know.'

'That's ok. So long as you realise there's more out there. Your addictions, depression, your bad start to life, it's robbed you of who you are. You just need to figure out who that is.'

'I'm Bella, Renee.'

'I thought you'd say that. You have a smart assed little answer for everything don't you?'

'Would it be really clichéd if I said yes? I'll be serious with you for a second Renee, I don't know if I want to go back to school at home. I mean, if this is going to work out here. I don't think I'd like that. I guess I'm ready to leave all that shit behind but I still want it, so I guess I'm only actually ready to leave the wanting behind. That whole scene is all I have in Forks. Be a piss head is what I do, all I do..'

'Well, at least you're thorough. We actually offer a specific programme for some of our patients. You can stay with your foster parents or here, it's the same charge so we try to make it your choice. So if you continue with me and if we make some progress you can enrol with one of our tutors here to get your diploma. That would be a start, something to work on?'

'I'll see, like you said "If I continue". That's a big fucking if Renee.' I shook my head, looking around the bright yellow room. Big stupid fucking photos hung on the walls. Idiots with big smiles and yellowed teeth thought they were going to be ok out in the real world. Purity was a fucking cushy little corner.

'I got it Bella, how about we talk about something else?'

'Do I have a choice?' I cringed as I asked, pleading with whatever type of God there is to say yes. I already had enough for today. I stretched in my chair, attempting to get comfortable but my arm still throbbed. I rubbed the muscle, surprised at the bone.

'Not really no but I like to let my patients feel like they have a choice.'

'Fuck Renee, you're all about the feelings aren't you?' I laughed, imagining what it would be like to be married to this woman.

'Yes I am Bella.' Renee nodded with a big healthy smile. She had all her own teeth and I hated her.

'Ok, at least I know where I stand with you. So, what are we talking about now?', I asked, fucking curious to see what fucking question she could possibly ask that she hadn't already.