MEMO:
To: The Finest Crew in Starfleet
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: Follow-up to Previous Memo: Questionable Crew Behavior
I want to thank all those members of our crew, still the finest in Starfleet, who have modified their behaviors in accordance with the previously issued memo concerning behaviors which needed to be altered and/or eliminated. In addition, thank you all for faithfully attending the mandatory seminars conducted by me and Commander Spock. Your cooperation and participation will ensure that we remain the finest crew in Starfleet.
Since the conclusion of those seminars, however, there have been new behaviors which have come to my attention and which need to desist immediately. Along with those behaviors we have succeeded in eliminating, please be cognizant that the following behaviors likewise will no longer be tolerated:
1) I have no objection to the current or continued presence on Enterprise of domesticated companions. If you want to have a cat or a dog, I'm good with it. However, Lt. Sulu has lost all patience with your animals running amok through his gardens. The greenhouses which Lt. Sulu and members of the botany staff maintain are for scientific research and the continued good health of the crew. They are NOT a dog run where your dog can relieve itself. If you can't train your dog to use an approved disposal device maintained within your quarters, you will be required to remove the dog from the ship. I will have the DNA of all dogs cataloged if you force me to do so. This will give me the definitive answers as to which dogs are allowed to use the greenhouses as a dog run. And the owner of said dogs will not like the consequences when I determine his or her identity. Push me hard enough and I will allow Lt. Sulu to use you as target practice as he prepares for the Intergalactic Fencing Championship. Or I'll let him use your dog. Word of advice - keep Fluffy out of the garden and therefore safely away from Lt. Sulu's foils.
2) Lt. Uhura is not now nor has she ever been your personal communications assistant. If you continue to request that she translate the latest issue of Orion Girls Gone Wild or Intergalactic Playpersons, I will bring you up on charges. Why do you care what it says? Don't tell me you read the articles. I know better. The icy stare of fury many of us have already been subjected to from Lt. Uhura will pale in comparison to the consequences if you don't stop asking her. And no, she didn't "make" me include this in the memo. I am the Captain. She can't "make" me do anything. Seriously.
3) I may have been overly hasty in my previous memo concerning certain Enterprise personnel. Dr. McCoy is a well respected, highly trained physician. Personality traits aside, I can assure you that should you be ill or injured, you do not want anyone other than our very own CMO treating you. His skill is unparalleled, his knowledge of Human and non-Human conditions encyclopedic, and his ability to diagnose and treat almost all known illnesses nearly magical. I know I speak for the entire crew when I say that we are blessed to have Dr. Leonard McCoy aboard our starship and we must not neglect to thank him, as his due.
4) As is true with most of his species, Commander Spock is able to communicate telepathetically with most sentient life forms. (And just as an aside, if he were to communicate with you in this manner, I would NOT be able to hear what you were thinking. Just so we're clear on that.) However, let me remind everyone for what I trust will be the last time – his telepathy is restricted to sentient beings. He cannot determine why your iPod has stopped working. He cannot mind meld with your computer to determine if it is infected with the Cardassian Ring-worm Virus. (If you follow standard Starfleet protocol in protecting your computer, this would not even be a concern to you.) He does not mind meld with the coffee pot in our quarters so that the coffee will be ready just as I'm leaving for Alpha shift. (Scotty made me a timer for that.) And even if he were capable, he will not now nor EVER mind meld with your dog to find out why it's acting depressed. Same goes for your hyperactive cat. Deal with it yourself. Stop asking him. When you make him cranky, you make me cranky. Is that really what you want to happen? I don't think so.
5) I am the first to admit that replicated food is often less than satisfactory. I know that Starfleet continues to expend enormous amounts of money and personnel time on attempting to make replicated food more appetizing and palatable. That being said, it is utterly unacceptable for anyone to utilize the science lab equipment for cooking. Yes, I have seen the melted marshmallow remains dripped on the Bunsen burners. If you just have to have s'mores, wait until shore leave when you can use a real campfire. Nor is it appropriate to use the warp engines to heat the actual, homemade stew your mother sent you for your last birthday. Scotty doesn't appreciate having to clean up after you and I don't want to have to clean up Scotty's mess when he has his revenge. Which he will.
6) There is no regulation concerning romantic liaisons between crew members and I am pleased when two (or more) of our crew find that special someone (or someones). Remain aware, however, that all electronic messages sent via Starfleet Communication Service are in fact the property of Starfleet. This is their rule, not mine. If you send sentiments of your undying devotion to the person with whom you are involved, Starfleet has the authority to read and review said messages. If you need to emphasize to your true love those physical and/or mental aspects that are the most appealing, cataloging them can be a successful seduction technique but one that Starfleet can use to bring you up on charges if things turn out badly. I recommend that you establish a personal account on one of the millions of free messaging services available for just such purposes. Googlegalaxy Mail is a reliable, free service with intergalactic coverage. You will be able to send and receive your personal messages from nearly every quadrant of the known universe, preferably on your own personal computer. Because your Starfleet issued computer is also their property. Anything on said computer is also their property. Keep this in mind before you download any more episodes of Naked Survivor: Nibia.
7) I am unclear as to what part of Only Starfleet personnel are allowed on starships remains unclear to certain members of the crew. Diplomats and their parties do have official authorization to come aboard. Otherwise, and let me repeat, Only Starfleet personnel are allowed on starships. The next person who beams aboard with someone he or she just met on shoreleave will be put into the brig. Immediately. And your "guest" will be sent back to the planet in whatever state of dress he or she may be at the time he or she is discovered. And the guilty crewmember will have his or her shore leave privileges revoked. Permanently. Only starship Captains can authorize the presence of non-Starfleet personnel on his starship. Trust me when I tell you that the belly dancer you met on Risa meets none of the qualifications that would permit him or her to be beamed aboard. I will NOT authorize the presence of your latest infatuation no matter how many times you ask me to. The answer is no. And don't think you'll succeed in your end-around by asking Commander Spock. Two words – telepathetically linked. Need I say more?
8) As I had thought I had made abundantly clear in the mandatory seminar "Anti-Harassment Training: Gender-based, Age-based, Species-based, Religion-based – All Biases Equally Abhorrent," we will show equal respect to all of our personnel. Asking Ensign Chekov to repeatedly recite Victorious Victor valiantly vaulted very vivacious is an example of the type of behavior that will NOT be tolerated. There is not any way for me to make this more plain. Stop amusing yourself at his expense. It is intolerable. The next crew member caught asking him (or even suspected of thinking of asking him) to recite said passage will be required to compose a twenty page essay on Respecting Our Differences. And Commander Spock will grade the essay, not me. (Trust me – this is a fate you should do everything in your power to avoid.) Should Commander Spock find your essay unsatisfactory, you will be required to discuss the reasons and remediation which you will be required to undertake to make the essay acceptable to him. Do remember that English is his first language. If it is not yours, you are allowed to request assistance from any member of the crew willing to help, except Lt. Uhura. Don't ask her. Please.
Again, thank you for your skill and talent which keeps Enterprise the flagship of Starfleet. Once these behaviors are eliminated, we will truly be the finest example of Starfleet personnel serving today. And Admiral Nogura may finally leave me alone. We can only hope.
MEMO:
TO: Captain James T. Kirk
FROM: Lt Nyota Uhura
RE: Thank you, I think
Captain,
I appreciate you calling off those members of your crew who continually request that I translate their "reading" material. Really, some of your crew are less mature than you are, which I find amazing and a little frightening.
That being said, do you really think it's in your best interest to publically admit that you are terrified each time you are subject to "the icy stare of fury"? And I will keep your secret, that I didn't "make" you include this particular request in your memo. There are lots of things I am capable of "making" you do and you would be really smart to remember that.
She who has your number-
Uhura
MEMO:
TO: Nyota
FROM: Captain James T. Kirk
RE: You're welcome?
Seriously, what makes you think I'm scared of you?
And if any of the crew continue to bother you, I know you'll let me know. I'll take care of it. Immediately. Even if it's the middle of ship's night and I have to put my uniform back on in the complete dark so as not to wake up Spock to see to your concerns. Because that's the kind of guy I am.
MEMO:
TO: Captain James T. Kirk
FROM: Lt. Hikaru Sulu
RE: Botany Labs and Domesticated Companions
I appreciate your memo concerning keeping the dogs out of the gardens. It had gotten completely out of control. You won't need to DNA tag the dogs. Pavel and I installed new security cameras in all the gardens so we'll be able to see the culprits right after they've been to the gardens. And can I really use the offending dogs for fencing practice? Or at least their owners?
He who hates all dogs-
Hikaru
MEMO:
TO: Lt. Sulu
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: Cameras and Target Practice
You know you can't really use the dogs or their owners for target practice, as much as I wish it weren't against regulations. Sadly, it is. Thanks for installing the cameras. I'll let you review the tapes and if you find the ones who continue to ignore my latest directives, alert me. I'll deal with them in an approved manner which will not include foils and/or sabers. But you can be sure that when I'm finished with them, they won't make that same mistake. I can promise you that.
MEMO:
TO: Captain James T. Kirk
FROM: CMO Leonard McCoy
RE: "Overly Hasty" Evaluation of Some Enterprise Personnel
You are an ass-kisser of the first caliber. You know that, right?
He who is not fooled by you for one minute-
Bones
MEMO:
TO: CMO Leonard McCoy
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: Still BFFs?
It wasn't ass-kissing. It was the truth. You are the BEST. That's why you will be my BFF forever. (Sorry about the redundancy. Just wanted to emphasize the forever part.) Love you, man.
MEMO:
TO: Captain James T. Kirk
FROM: Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott
RE: Appreciate Your Help, and Apologies
Thank you for asking that the crew not heat their personal stash of food on the warp engines. It had started making an awful mess. I will miss being the beneficiary of any leftovers but that is strictly off the record, obviously.
I have talked to Keenser about beaming aboard unauthorized beings. He claims he doesn't do it but I've seen the security tapes, as I am sure you have. I canna explain why he ignores Starfleet regulations but I've told him the next time he does it, I'll personally maroon him on Delta Vega where he'll spend the rest of his life running from Polazillas.
He who has stopped trying to understand the behaviors of others-
Scotty
MEMO:
TO: Scotty
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: You're Welcome and Not to Worry
I'm willing to continue to look the other way if you want to allow the crew to heat their food on your engines. I won't, however, assign any maintenance crew to clean up after the invariable explosions resulting from under-ventilated containers. That's between you and the crew who cause the mess.
I trust Keenser will finally take seriously the prohibition of beaming aboard unauthorized lifeforms. Otherwise I'll lock the transporters and only I or Spock will be able to use them. Which might be fine during the day. But you don't want to have to contact us at night, after we've gone to bed. I can't guarantee we'll respond, if you know what I mean.
MEMO:
TO: Captain James T. Kirk
FROM: Ensign Pavel Chekov
RE: Thank you, again!!
Captain,
Since you issued your most recent memo, not a single member of the crew has asked me to recite anything that will result in them laughing. Hikaru says they are laughing with me not at me. But since I'm not laughing, that hardly seems likely.
The next time someone asks me to recite that stupid phrase, I'll let you know. Vill that be alright?
Thank you again. You really are the Best Starfleet Captain. Ewer.
He who vants to be just like you-
Pavel
MEMO:
TO: Ensign Chekov
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: Only Doing My Job
Please do let me know the next time a crewmember asks you to recite that phrase, or anything similar. I will deal with them.
And try to remember what I often tell you – hero worship never ends well. For the worshiper or the worshipee.
MEMO:
TO: My T'hy'la
FROM: Your Love
RE: Most Recent Memo on Crew Behavior
T'hy'la,
May I request that in future you allow me to read and review the memos you send to the entire crew prior to you broadcasting them? While issuing orders and requesting modifications in crew behavior is one of the unquestioned prerogatives of the Captain, I would have suggested several changes in the wording of the memo without significantly changing the overall intent.
That being said, I require clarification on several points contained in your memo. I will be available at the conclusion of Alpha shift to discuss these with you in person. In our quarters. Where I anticipate you will be wearing your jeans. (I trust you are cognizant of the jeans to which I refer.)
1) While it would almost never occur to me to employ one of the most annoying human expression with which I am acquainted, I believe that I will make an exception in this instance, concerning the presence of dogs and cats on board Enterprise: I told you so. I am certain that you recall that I recommended against allowing the crew to have pets. The "enjoyment" the crew receives from the presence of the pets does not justify the inherent chaos and disarray which they cause. May I request, once again, that you reconsider your authorization allowing the domesticated companions?
2) Maybe there are members of your crew who are unaware that you are, indeed, afraid of Lt. Uhura. (And rightfully so.) However, admitting to these fears can only serve to undermine your command status. What if members of the crew begin to request that she make demands of you that are against regulations? What will you do then? (This is one of the sections of the memo that I would have recommended that you reword if you had allowed me to review it prior to its dissemination.)
3) I have no comment on your attempt to "make up" with Dr. McCoy. Absenting myself from what I have heard others refer to as your "lover's quarrel" remains my preferred response. I trust you both will respect my position on this.
4) Thank you for instructing the crew to stop asking me to attempt telepathetic communication with inanimate objects. It had become tiresome. I must protest, however, your reference to those requests making me "cranky." Vulcans do not become cranky. Did Dr. McCoy tell you to say that? It sounds suspiciously like something he might say when he thought I could not hear him. (This is another example of wording that might have been better altered prior to transmission.)
5) Were those not, in fact, our marshmallows that ended up on the Bunsen burners? I do recall advising against roasting them in the lab but you chose to ignore my protests, again. Yes, I did very much enjoy the s'mores but I am unable to understand why you did not remove the evidence before we left the labs. I am fairly certain that the stew to which you refer as being spread over the warp engines is not yours. Since you refuse to eat stew of any type, replicated or "real," I am confident you are not the culprit in this instance.
6) You have never had any objection to the crew using the Starfleet Communication Service prior to the time when you began to receiving messages of a personal nature which did not originate with me. Are you certain that you want the crew to obtain personal accounts with Googlegalaxy Mail? How will you know who sent the message when the sender is only referred to as cupcakelover444? When messages are sent via Starfleet Communication Service, you are certain of the identity of the sender and can address the situation personally. Whatever the content of the message may be.
7) If you fulfill your threat of locking the transporter so that only you and I are capable of operating it, you will be the one who gets up in the middle of the night. I will not. And do not concern yourself with waking me up when you leave. I will fall back asleep before you reach the door to our quarters. I will not wait up for you. I will not accompany you. I will sleep quite well while you are gone. (As a bonus, I will not have to fight for the covers in your absence.) Ask security to review the tapes in the transporter room more closely. It is not possible for the operator of the transporter to remain anonymous each time unauthorized personnel are beamed aboard. Then we can both be assured that our sleep will be undistributed. (More importantly, the time we spend prior to actually falling asleep will not be interrupted.)
8) I have witnessed your attempts to have Ensign Chekov recite that ridiculous phrase on more than one occasion. Because of his total loyalty and unquestioned devotion to you, he always does as you ask. Is your behavior appropriate? I think not. You should not take advantage of the fact that he suffers from hero-worship for your amusement. I would never resort to suggesting that your behavior is hypocritical but you may consider that possibility the next time you are about to ask the Ensign to say it. And should you choose to ignore my advice on this, it will be you who composes the 20 page essay on Respecting Our Differences.
I look forward to discussing these items and other topics of importance once we are in our quarters. I trust you will arrive as soon as Alpha shift is concluded. Which is in 14.3 long minutes.
MEMO:
TO: My Love
FROM: Your T'hy'la
RE: Your Response to My Most Recent Memo
Love,
I promise that next time I'll let you read the memo before I send it out. I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You know I didn't mean to. Before I get to our quarters (and change into my jeans ;-), let me address some of the concerns you expressed in your memo. Give us more time for other decidedly more pleasant activities.
1) I'm not rescinding my authorization for pets to be onboard. The crew does work really hard to keep the chaos to a minimum. Once they stop letting them run wild in the gardens, it will be all good. The crew loves having cats and dogs. I know you can't really understand our sentimental attachment to those little creatures but they bring us great comfort. Not to worry though – I won't be bringing one to our quarters. Bones would kill me if the allergies didn't first. Some of the dogs don't cause me to stop breathing but most of the cats do. I'm fated to be petless. But I do have you to keep me warm so I really don't mind.
2) I am NOT scared of Lt. Uhura. I don't know why everyone keeps saying I am. I'm the Captain. Why should I be scared of her? Because she shoots silent daggers at me every time I look at her? Because she still blames me for the fact that the two of you broke up? Blame which is utterly misplaced, BTW. Because the first time I met her, I hit on her? She was in a bar. What did she think would happen? Of course I hit on her. Imagine how angry she'd be if I had ignored her. I shudder to think. But I'm NOT scared of her. And I'd appreciate it if you would stop saying that I am. And if any of the crew try to get around regulations by asking her to ask me, I'll put a stop to it immediately. Or make you do it. Not that I'm scared to tell her, but rank does have its privileges.
3) Bones and I are not having a "lovers' quarrel." I told you – we've never been lovers. I just want him to stop being so pissed at me. I'm sure he'll get over it, eventually. Do you think more ass-kissing would help? Would you talk to him, please? I know you said you were staying out of it but he's your friend too. Don't you want us all to be happy? Together? Kthnx.
4) You do too get cranky when a member of crew asks you to mind meld with their Xbox 2880 because it ate their copy of Final Fantasy CDXXXII. I probably shouldn't have said that, though. Sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise. And no, Bones didn't tell me to put that in there. Honest.
5) I don't hate all stew. Well, most of it I do. You know how I feel about mashed up food. Those potatoes don't need to be touching those carrots. And yes, that was our marshmallow on the Bunsen burners. That one time. And why are you even pretending that we could have cleaned it off? We had to get back to our quarters or risk being discovered in the labs naked. There have been other marshmallows that weren't ours. So my edict stands. No more s'mores in the science labs. Next shore leave we'll make some. I promise.
6) Actually Starfleet said I had to send out this part of the memo. They seem to think there are too many messages of undying devotion being sent over their official channels. Whatever. If I get any anonymous messages from cupcakelover444, I'll delete them without reading them. 'Cause I know they won't be from you. If you get any from spockloveratgooglegalaxymail, I trust you'll open it. You won't be sorry. And your computer won't be infected with Cardassian ring-worm. These will be messages of undying devotion and other information you'll find utterly fascinating.
7) I'm not going to lock the transporter, I promise. Scotty checked the security tapes again and threatened Keenser with bodily harm if he beams aboard any more unauthorized beings. And don't try that I will sleep quite well while you are gone bullshit on me. I know better. When I have to leave in the middle of the night, I know you are awake the entire time I'm gone. Why would you even bother to pretend otherwise? And you are the one who always takes the covers. I don't need 6 blankets to sleep. You do. All I need is you. And despite your protests, you need me. At the risk of being redundant, let me remind you of two words previously used: telepathetically linked. 'Nuff said.
8) Okay, asking Chekov to recite Victorious Victor valiantly vaulted very vivacious is admittedly immature and utterly un-captain-ly. But as he might say – it is so comedy and we are so laughing – when he does it. I'll stop asking. The only 20 page essay I have any interest in writing is a list of the ways in which I intend to distract you. The oral part of the essay will be especially enjoyable. If you know what I mean.
See you in our quarters. NOW. Yeah us.