So This Is War

Chapter Two

Thanks for the reviews guys! Sorry it's taking me longer to update, it's difficult to write with writer's block lol! Also, I forgot to mention but all rights to S.E. Hinton. Enjoy!

The next morning I was up before everyone, having not slept at all. Steve came out and joined me on watch at three in the morning. He almost convinced me to sleep then, but when I tried I still felt that nagging out of place feeling eating away at me. So the whole night we stayed up, pacing the house, and glaring out windows. The sun came up and at eight, Darry came shuffling in.

"Hey Pony. How'd you sleep last night?" He asks me, not awake enough to really examine me. I was still wearing my uniform. Granted, it was the only thing I had that fit me now, but you think he'd still take that as a sign I hadn't been to bed.

I shrug. "Didn't. Want some eggs? I just made some for Steve and me a half hour ago, I could make you some if you want."

Darry rubs his eyes and looks me over with concern, trying hard to wake up. "You two doing okay? I know it isn't easy coming back, but you gotta sleep. Where is he anyway? I want to tell you both something," he looks around the kitchen for the mentioned body.

"You just missed him. He wanted to stay longer, but he said he wanted an early start job hunting. Planning on trying to get an apartment since his old man officially banished him in a letter. That asshole doesn't deserve to know Steve anyway."

"Ponyboy, watch your mouth. I'll talk to him later then. So, what I wanted to say was something I hope will help. I know how hard it is to adjust after being over there for so long, and you two were there longer than any of us, but I promise it does get easier. When I got back from 'Nam-"

"Hello, Curtis family!" Two-Bit hollered, the screen door slamming shut behind him. A soft patter of paws accompany him.

I pop my head around the corner and see T-Bone. He barks excitedly at me and makes a mad dash to jump up on me. He knocks me back a few feet with his front paws and I hug him. Darry and Two-Bit chuckle at us. T licks my face and I laugh, pushing him back down. He stays close to me, trying to make me trip over him with my feet. I get down on the floor with him and wrestle him down just like we used to do at camp. This feels familiar and I have to laugh again as he gets out from under me and tries to pin me. I let him and push him off gently, patting his head and petting his course fur.

"I think he missed you," Two-Bit laughed. "Don't know why when he's got such great company like me!"

I grin and retort, "Yeah, well, can you blame him then?"

Darry laughs and Two-Bit rolls his eyes with a wide smile. "Good to have you back, Pony."

"So, Pony, got any plans for the day? I thought maybe we could all do something fun. Maybe go to the movies or something," Darry offers. I remember when my world revolved around the movies, and books. It seemed so... tedious now. Who wanted to sit around for hours staring at people on a screen living out their own problems?

My oldest brother looked so hopeful I couldn't tell him that. I thought up a quick, but honest, excuse. This one wasn't any more fun, in fact it would be pure torture, but it was more important. It was important to my buddy and I couldn't move on until I did this. "Actually, Dar, I kinda wanted to go see Marcia today. Get Roger's letter over with and out of my hands, you know?"

Both their faces fall at the mention of our fallen friend. It was just shy of a year ago, but he was a great guy. He was the only one of us who actually wanted to join and the only one with a perfect future laid out for him. We met in basic by chance and he quickly became one of my best friends. It was only too weird that we knew each others girls first. He knew Cherry through Marcia and I knew Marcia through Cherry. Now, neither of us had them. Secretly, I think it was all because I couldn't save him. He died because I wasn't able to patch him up and Cherry and Marcia probably hated me for it. I know I did. The thought of facing Marcia and giving her that letter terrified me, but I had to do it. She needed this, Roger needed this, I needed this.

Two-Bit nods sadly and T-Bone leans against me as if offering comfort. "You need a lift, kid?"

I shake my head. If I was going to go through with this, I needed to be alone. "Thanks anyway, Two-Bit. Maybe another day, okay, Dar? This is just something I have to do." Maybe delivering this letter could help me heal. I was fulfilling my friend's dying wish after all, getting a huge weight off my chest. It was the worst part of 'Nam leaving my hands.

Darry nods and I ask to borrow some clothes before I leave. He smirks and gets me a shirt and jeans. I never thought I'd see the day where I actually fit Darry's clothes, but I did. The shirt was a little loose because I'm not as broad as him, but it isn't baggy. It feels weird to wear civilian clothes again, like wearing a costume. I keep my tags around my neck and tuck them under the shirt.

Soda's eyes widen when I come back into the kitchen. "Damn, Pony, when'd you get so big?"

I roll my eyes. "I been growing for eighteen years and you ain't noticed yet?" They all chuckle. "Hey, Dar, mind if I borrow the truck?"

Darry scratches his head. "I don't know, Pony... You remember how to drive?"

I shrug. "We'll find out."

"Ponyboy..." He growls seriously. I smile and roll my eyes.

"Kidding."

Darry sighs and tosses me the keys from the counter. I nod my thanks and tell them all goodbye. They wave, Soda looking confused. I'm sure the guys will fill him in on where I'm going. Honestly, I don't even know how to get there. I know the address from all of Roger's letters, but I never made a habit of going to the Socs' side of town. I knew a few main streets, but none of the small back ones.

After driving around for twenty minutes in her neighborhood, I find the house. It's a huge, typical Soc house, nicer than anything I could ever dream of affording. I pull into the driveway and park at the end. Driving was just like riding a bike as it turned out, not something you easily forget. I stare at the letter sitting innocently on the passenger seat. I don't want to do this, but I have to. Stealing my nerve, I pick it up and take it out of the plastic bag. The bag was still stained a faded red, blood. I didn't know whose anymore, but it'd probably be best to deliver a clean envelope. This piece of paper would probably bring up enough painful memories without the graphic memento.

I get out of the car with the letter in hand and walk up the nice sidewalk to the door. I ring the doorbell once and wait at rest. A few moments later, Marcia opens the door. She doesn't look at all like the girl I remember. She's thinner, her skin clinging to the bone, and so pale she could pass as a ghost. Her hair is a mess, like she hadn't bothered clean or brush it in weeks. Her eyes have a faint red tinge to them over the black rings. The most dramatic change though, was the dead look in her eye. It brought me back to my early days in 'Nam when I would look at the old timers. Then I gained the same look, but it was so wrong on her. At least, until realization hit her and rage.

"Get the hell out of here, baby killer!" She hissed venomously.

I back up a step in shock. It wasn't what she called me, I had heard several hurtful names for us veterans. I was expecting the old Marcia, or even a grieving Marcia, but not a druggy in the place of my old friend. The Marcia I knew wouldn't speak so rude to a stranger, let alone a friend. Then I knew she blamed me. She blamed me for Roger's death.

"Did you fucking hear me? I said get the fuck out of here before I call the cops on you for murder. Yeah, that's right murder. You probably left him to die alone, didn't you? Or even shot him yourself! He was always going on about how you all had each others backs, especially you, so then why? Why'd you fail him, huh?"

I flinched. That hurt worse than getting shot. It drove the hammer home. I really was to blame then. It really was my fault that my best friend was dead. First Johnny, then Dallas, and last Roger. It had to be me. Quietly I tried, "Marcia, please. I did everything I could. I didn't want him to take point in the first place, but Ryan got hit, another buddy of ours, and Roger wasn't strong enough to carry him. I wanted to take point and cover for them, but he wouldn't let me. I'm the one who's supposed to be dead, not him, and I'm sorry for that. I tried to do what I could to keep him alive and get him back here, to you, but there was nothing I could do. H-he wanted me to give this to you though. I don't know what it says and I'm not going to ask. I hope it helps though. I really do."

Without lifting her accusing eyes from mine, she snatches the letter out of my outstretched hand. I really do hope it helps her. At least one of us has a chance for salvation, I know I don't. There was no explanation that could excuse I did- or didn't do. I didn't save him and now, well more than just one life was ruined. A man was dead, a woman turning into a ghost, parents mourning their lost child, and several people left without direction. That was all because I couldn't save Roger Smith. Just like I couldn't save Johnny or Dallas, or Andy, or any of those others guys that died right in front of me. They all had lives and futures, but because of my failure, they no longer had anything just like the people in their lives. Their families pain was my fault because of their deaths. So much pain... So much death...

I bowed my head and left in a hurry. I couldn't face her any longer without breaking down and begging for forgiveness that she would never be able to give. It was all my fault. I pulled out of the driveway in a hurry and slammed on the gas. All my fault. I made it to the intersection and punched through a yellow light. I didn't have time to slow down when the next light turned red. I tried to slam on the brakes, but the truck screeched right into the intersection. BOOM! A huge explosion collided with the passenger side, metal crunching and glass shattering. I slammed into the door and bounced off and all around. I felt nothing but pain and guilt. Everything hurt and I couldn't get my body to move. The lights went dim and all I could think about was, it was all my fault. I heard a panicked scream and slipped into a blissfully numb oblivion.

Don't worry, it's not the end! Thoughts?