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Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own Naruto, any of the characters, or any of the fanfic I may or may not be hinting at in this story. This is a work of dark humor in parts, and as such should be read in a manner of one with tongue stuck firmly in cheek.
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A whimpering gasp escaped Naruto's mouth as he drew his kunai across his left palm for what must have been the hundredth time that day. The seasons had come and gone, shifting once through their yearly cycle since Naruto had first spoken to Kyuubi, and now summer found him standing in a forest clearing that had been stripped to the bare earth. It had taken eleven long months of training before Kyuubi judged him strong enough to perform the rite and proficient enough with the replication jutsu to proceed. Another month had been wasted in collecting or making the various items scattered around the clearing. Naruto took a moment to glance around at the various objects scattered around the clearing, surrounded by runes and sigils and connected by lines of power, all drawn in his own blood. The place reeked of blood.
"Pay attention to what you are doing, brat. You're almost done. Don't screw it up now or you'll have to start over tomorrow."
"Alright, alright! Geez, damn fox. I'm paying attention." Naruto turned his attention back to the last of the runes. "Hey, fox, what is an 'xover'?"
Naruto could feel the demon roll his eyes at the question.
"It's a pastry, like a turnover, only it's filled with two different kinds of fruit that usually wouldn't go together."
"Why is it here?"
"Because the gods like it, probably more than is really good for them. That's the purpose of these things. It's to get in tune with the gods, their way of thinking, so we can open a doorway into the in-between."
"So, 'shipping' is here because..."
"Yes, because the gods like boats and spend endless hours discussing them."
"How about 'teh'?
"He's the ancient Nubian god of clumsiness."
"Really?"
"No. Not really, but it would take too long to explain."
"Stupid fox." Naruto grumbled, crossing his arms and looking sullen. "So I guess 'comma' is here because the gods like being unconscious."
"That would be a coma, you moron. This is the punctuation mark like the ones you carved."
"Those things? But...but we put them all the way over there! Shouldn't they be over here?"
"No. They're fine there."
"But they're in the wrong place!"
"Exactly. You just have to know the gods to understand."
"The baseball glove with a hole in it?" Hoping he could understand something of this conversation, Naruto changed the topic.
"That's a pun, through and threw."
Naruto could hear the laughter in the Kyuubi's voice, knew there was a joke there, but still found himself at a loss. He drooped in defeat.
"I just don't get it."
"Look, you can stand around looking confused while I attempt to explain things you won't understand, or you can light the sacrificial fire and begin the rite."
"Right."
"That's what I said."
Naruto ignored him, moving forward to the central piece of the pattern: a large bonfire atop which sat a wooden toy he had carved himself. It was a little, two-wheeled cart with a long, black tube resting on top. Resting with the wagon-hitch against the pile of wood, the black tube stuck up into the air.
"Hey, old fox, why are we burning the tube-cart. It seems a shame..."
"It's not a 'tube-cart', whatever that is. It's a cannon. That's a model of a weapon that throws large projectiles."
"OK, so why are we burning the cannon?"
"It's a time-honored way of starting an adventure like this." Kyuubi could feel the boy's puzzlement and just sighed. "Look, it's not really a caNNon, but a symbol for the caNon, or the authoritative source. Got it?"
"Yeah, kinda. So, we're burning a symbol to represent the burning of the real thing. But, wouldn't it be better to burn the right symbol? It's spelled wrong and all..."
"For the most part, most won't even notice, and those that do will find it amusing, so it really doesn't matter. They're pretty similar anyway. Whenever either is pulled out, it gets loud and dangerous, and most agree that both are pretty authoritative."
"So you're saying that we're burning the cannon as a symbol of the canon because it's important to the ritual and that it doesn't really matter if the cannon is a cannon or a canon because even if its spelled cannon or canon, the gods will accept it as a symbol for canon."
"..."
"..."
"Who's on first."
"What?"
"He's on second. Who's on first."
"I don't know."
"Third base!"
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
"AND YOU NEVER WILL UNLESS YOU START THE DAMN RITUAL! NOW LIGHT THE DAMN FIRE!!"
"Fine!" Naruto stomped forward, grumbling, and lit the fire at the center of the clearing. As the little flames licked up through the kindling, a cold chill passed through him. Suddenly serious, he knelt in front of the small, nondescript pebbles Kyuubi had instructed him to use as the gate key. He felt strangely excited, as if he had walked into a faerie garden by accident. It was a surreal feeling that gripped him; a feeling of constant de ja vu. He waited, heart pounding.
"Now, brat." Even the demon sounded subdued.
Naruto's hands flashed through the signs, twenty one in all. He had been drilling them in his sleep with Kyuubi and during the free moments of his waking day for over a year, so he flew through them without mistake. The center of the fire became brighter and brighter until it was a searing glare far too brilliant to look at directly. Then, with a twisting pop of the 'what is', the fabric of reality pulled back, parting like the cloth between two buttons when stretched. A howling wind sprung up as the surrounding air rushed into the gate. Laughing uproariously, Naruto leapt about in excitement.
"I did it! Did you see? I did it!"
"Good job, brat. Now close it before it gets dangerous."
"Aww, it's just a bit of wind."
"It's not so much the wind." A small bolt of electricity leapt from the gate, striking Naruto in the shoulder, knocking him down, stunned. It's the static discharge that comes with it. Hurry!"
As another bolt arced overhead and laced into a nearby tree, Naruto scrambled forward to sweep the stones out of position. The gate snapped shut as if it had never been. He just lay there panting for a few minutes, enjoying the feeling of being alive.
"So, are you ready to send one through?"
"Heh-heh. Yeah. Let's do this!" Rolling up to his feet, Naruto walked to the edge of the clearing, taking out his kunai as he went. As he reached the tree line, he again drew his own blood, scattering it across the forest floor. Then, quickly, he flashed a few more complicated hand signs.
"Replicant no Jutsu!" At the cry, the vegetation melted in to a soupy goo that flowed together to form an exact replica of Naruto.
"Do you know what to do?" the original asked.
"I am an almost completely autonomous replicant with my own set of chakra coils designed for long-range operation over the span of years. I am to pass through the gate you open to an alternate world to secure the local fragment of Kyuubi. Once that goal is achieved, I am to integrate into local society and gather information and resources. I am to return when the gate again appears."
"Very good. OK then." The Narutos walked back to the center of the clearing. The original spread out 16 pebbles in order. "When you're ready."
The replicant nodded, and as the gate opened, darted through it quickly before it again closed.
"I'm tired, old fox."
"Just think how tired you'll be once you start integrating their memories. Come on. Let's go home and get some rest."
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End Part 2.
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