Disclaimer:
I, FickleFriend, the author of this fanfiction, hereby declare that I do not gain any profit from this story and that al creative rights to the characters (with the exception of all OCs) belong to their original creator(s).
"How kind of you to grace my ship with your presence. Yet it seems that because of your being an insufferable cretin, you remain painfully unaware that... Nobody likes you, Hector." Jack declared, casually strolling onto The Pearl. The girl joined the congregated crew.
"Naaaay! You be spraying me with callous untruths, Jaaack."
"You just sprayed one, yourself," Jack remarked.
"I did no such thing!"
"You did."
"Did not!"
"You did."
"Did not!"
"Did. And I have solid evidence to support my statement." Jack said smugly.
"And what be thaaat?" Barbossa enquired, leaning forward. Jack took a step back and gestured to his crew with a self assured half grin.
"This lot."
"You can't use the fact that these sons-of-biscuit-eaters are alive as evidence!" There were protests from the crew at this most derogatory insult.
"Who says?" Jack asked.
"I do!"
"And since when does your word hold any more importance in this world than a fly-being-eaten-by-a-spider's word?"
"Flies cannot talk." Barbossa said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"My point exact-"
"ENOUGH! This is not the purpose of my visit."
"Then what is?" Jack answered.
"SILENCE! While I be puttin' forth me proposal, I shall be having silence!"
Jack made a face, but nonetheless, Barbossa was met with his precious silence.
"Right, well, I say it's a proposal, but nay. That be false. Jaaack, I demand me 25% of yer plunder as we agreed."
More silence but now with confused looks.
It was Jack who spoke after a while.
"What?"
"Ye don't remember, Jaaack? Isle de Muerta?"
"I shot you." Jack said automatically at the aforementioned name; this irked Barbossa greatly.
"Yarr, but before you shot me. We made an agreement. 25% of yer plunder."
Realisation dawned on Jack's face and he then leaned over to Gibbs.
"He still thinks we're part of his 'fleet'," he whispered.
"Aye. The old turkey's finally lost it." Gibbs confirmed.
"Well, we don't have any treasure anyway," Jack pointed out.
"Nay."
"Right, then that's good news," Jack said cheerfully, he then stepped in front of his crew, who had congregated in a large semi-circle around the two eccentric pirates.
"Listen Hector, you want your 25%? I shall happily give it to you."
"Really? Well..." Barbosa started chuckling slightly, "Jaack, I ne'er expected you to give it up so easily."
Jack merely raised his eyebrow.
"So? Where is it?" Barbossa demanded.
Jack turned around and mimed lifting something off the ground. He then stepped forward and dropped the invisible something onto Barbossa's foot.
"There you go, you ugly git," Jack grinned.
"What?" said Barnossa.
"I've given it to you."
"WHAT?"
Jack pretended to look sheepish.
"Well... here's the thing, mate. You want 25% of me plunder and because of the present situation, I'll be happily doing the giving, and you will, of course, happily be doing the receiving. But what we will actually be giving and receiving is… nothing."
At Barbossa's horrified and confused expression, Jack held up a finger, "Let me explain. Due to unforeseeable, unfortunate and completely coincidental circumstances, we haven't actually gained any type of valuable material and 25% of nothing is 25 over 100 multiplied by nothing is consequently nothing. I won't be giving anything and you won't be getting anything. This way, no one is any better or worse off. See? Equality, dear Hector, savvy?"
Barbossa let out a disturbing sound which sounded like a mix between a cry of utter anguish and a savage battle call. After he calmed himself down, he turned to look at Jack and pointed a menacing finger. He then began to walk in a stealthy, dramatic manner, using the semi circle of the less-than-loyal crew as some form of greek amphitheater to quench his thirst for theatrics. Barbossa had always been a melodramatic pirate.
"Now, Jaack, I expect to get something very soon and if I don't…" Barbossa started to shake his fist.
"Yes, yes, you will, you bloody stalker." Jack said irritably.
Barossa eyed the girl, "What's yer name, lass?" he asked. Jack's ears perked at this, as he realised that he didn't know. Not that it was important, he was going to call her Ann or something.
"Who wants to know?" she asked suspiciously, even though the answer was obvious.
"I DO!"
"Why?"
"Why not?" They continued bickering like children while Jack sighed.
"Fine!" the girl screamed. "It's Tessa Rose"
"Tessa Rose?" Barbossa spat, "That's not a name for a pirate!" Jack couldn't help but agree. Putting the 'Rose' on the end just made it sound like a name for a fairy. Or some form of plant…
"I'm sorry but you can't talk, Hector," Tessa Rose said.
"Aye, I believe I caaan," he countered.
"Alright, well Hector it was lovely to have you on my Pearl but we no longer and never have required of your… unique services. So I think me crew and I would all appreciate if you shove off," Jack said, trying to push him off the Pearl. He kept on pushing him but he would not shift. After long and hard ramming and straining, Jack gave up. "That's it! I declare this… man, I suppose I have to call him a man, but he could quite easily be mistaken as rabid bear. Anyway! I declare this man unmovable," he said to the crew. Barbossa just stood there rolling his eyes. What was he, some sort of girl? "WILL YOU SHIFT YOUR BLOODY ARSE?" Jack shouted, getting fed up of his presence.
"I will be leaving as soon as I have yer word that you will be givin' me what I deserve. After all, yer under my commaaand now," Barbossa said.
"Yes, yes, you have my word now go on... Off!" Jack demanded, making a 'shoo'ing motion with his hands.
"Very well. I be expecting jewels and gold and riches of the highest value!" He cried and laughed manically. "Apple?" He asked holding up that same green apple he always held.
Jack shook his head as Barbossa left the ship. When he was quite a while away (and out of shooting range) Jack called to him, "Oi! Mate, I'm sorry, but I shot you. You died. Generally, when someone dies, a deal can no longer be active. And don't forget, I died too! So, no deal. I did enjoy your company, so don't hesitate to drop by any time!" He laughed internally when he saw Hector's face screwed up and turned a deep beetroot colour. He started cursing and firing his gun at Jack but he failed… miserably. He was so angry that you could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.
Once Jack's ship was back in order, safe from any dramatic pirates and arrogant King-loving-soldier brats, he walked to the wheel and took hold of it, steering them far away from Port Royal. The pirate population was steady and hopefully - to the Bretheren Court - would soon begin to increase again. This fact remained unknown to the jurisdiction at Port Royal and other places with Governors and Lords and Kings that make it their business to rid the world of the lowest of people: pirates. Even though places like Port Royal had drastically increased their armed forces, it was wasted on trying to find the inescapable Captain Jack Sparrow, instead of the now robust pirate population. They thought that Jack was the only real pirate threat, and after he was killed, the world would be pirate-free. "Hallelujah(!)" Jack thought bitterly. At least they remained painfully unaware of that bothersome group of overly-enthusiastic goody goody group of pirates called Pirate Saviour
"Pirate Saviour" Jack chuckled to himself at the sheer stupidity of it all.
"What are you laughing at, Captain" Tessa came out of nowhere, making Jack jump.
"Argh! Oh, it's you." Jack said, relieved.
"Well, what's so funny?" she pestered.
"Pirate Saviour," Jack repeated chuckling again.
"What is so funny about those words?"
Jack sighed at her badgering. "Pirate Saviour is an organisation set up by some very pillagerarian pirates."
"'Pillagerarian' is not a word" Tessa pointed out derisively. Jack sighed again and rolled his eyes.
"You find a word for someone who is deeply in love with the idea of preserving all pirates forever. Go on, try it." Jack challenged.
"No, I can't. Anyway, what is so funny about Pirate Saviour?"
"Pirate Saviour is an acronym for: 'Pirate Inoculation Regime Against The Egotistical Soldiery and Vandals In Order to Unite our Race'"
"I'm sorry?"
"'Pirate Inoculation Regime Against The Egotistical Soldiery and Vandals In Order to Unite our Race', I'm having to repeat myself far too much with you, love."
"Hardly any of that makes sense. Inoculation is to produce immunity against a disease. They have added words in that don't fit with the acronym. And I'm sure that 'vandals' would be a better way to describe pirates than the military."
"Yes, well it's clear that they made the acronym before the actual company name."
"And this organisation is to help get the Pirate … race back on track?"
"Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't heard of it, love. They try to target as many pirates as possible. They even have little badges and obnoxious leaflets that they hand out."
"Well, I'm never in any one place for very long…" she trailed off. Jack eyed her.
"What's your last name? Any relatives that I may know of? Who are your parents?"
"I thought I asked the questions," she replied in a self-congratulatory manner.
"I think you've burdened me with enough questions to drive me insane. You owe me, darling. So… answer away. Last name?"
"Mast." Jack's face screwed up at this.
"Mast? Are you sure that's a real name?" He asked.
"Yes. It is my name, after all."
"Who are your parents?"
"My mother and father."
Jack smirked slightly, "don't try and be smart with me, love."
"Bill and Anne Mast. We lived in Kingston." Jack grinned at this.
"Ah, Kingston. They had lots of treasure… and brothels." Tessa looked outraged at this.
"Well I knew of very few when I was there!" she said and left off in a huff.
Not 5 minutes passed for Jack to be left in peace.
"Cap'n!" Gibbs called even though he was standing right next to Jack.
"Yes, Gibbs?" Jack asked tiredly.
"Do we have a headin', Cap'n?" Jack dramatically rolled his head to Gibbs.
"No, we do not, Gibbs. We are heading to Tortuga." Jack emphasised.
"Why be that, Jack?"
"We have a rather forlorn lack of crew members, as you know." Jack said, nodding to the crew which consisted of around eight or nine people.
"Aye, it's just that the crew is gettin' a bit deprived of endangermen' and mystery. Remember the days?" Gibbs asked.
"Aye but never fear. I have something in mind." Jack said determinedly. Gibbs left Jack, knowing that it was best to leave him be.
A/N Let me know what you think in a review, please. Sorry if most of this is dialogue, but it will take a couple of chapters for the plot to evolve and for the story to get on its tracks. Thank you so much for reading,
Your FickleFriend.