Author's note: The main story takes place in 2004. Thank you.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. (John 14:1-2)

Italy, 1990

Lovino could pinpoint the exact day his faith began to fall away from him.

The memory was vague, but at the same time, it was vivid. It was an unseasonably cold day in autumn. Leaves covered the ground in a patchy brown blanket, leaving the trees dead and bare. The grey sky hung heavy above them, threatening rain the never came. The bitter winds bit at Lovino's skin and sent shivers down his spine as they found their way into his thick coat and past his tightly wrapped scarf. His soft, chubby hand gripped Grandpa Roma's as his eyes explored the space around them, brimming with all the curiosity and confusion contained in his three-year-old self.

Roma was holding Feliciano, who was just a newborn at the time. His fragile, new body was wrapped in a blanket and pressed to Roma's chest, blissfully unaware of what was happening in front of them. Lovino himself wasn't entirely sure what was happening. He only had what Roma had told him to go off of- Mamma was with God, and she wasn't coming back. Her body stopped working, and the doctor's couldn't fix it. This confused Lovino. He was too young to understand, to even begin to comprehend what had happened. He wouldn't fully understand for years. Why would Mamma be with God when she's just had Feliciano? She'd never even gotten to hold him, wouldn't she want to come back?

The tears in Roma's eyes suggested that he wasn't entirely sure, either.

All around them were family members; friends and people Lovino hadn't even known existed. He'd never seen so much sadness in one place, so many people crying at once. Somewhere in the front of the crowd, a man holding a book was speaking about God and a place called Heaven. Lovino couldn't hear him well. Cold winds blew; sending dead leaves skittering around his ankles like they were dancing. The winds were too strong, almost so strong that the cries of the people around them couldn't be heard. Almost.

After the man finished speaking and the strange box called a coffin was lowered to the ground, Roma spoke about her too. His shaking words passed in a blur that Lovino couldn't hear over the deafening gusts that shook the trees and the very ground beneath them. Some time later, after a flurry of hugs and apologies from relatives came at Lovino like shots from a gun, Roma took him away from the field filled with the stone fixtures that stuck out from the ground. When he knelt down next to him, Lovino got a good look at his troubled eyes that were usually so strong, so fearless. He would never forget the pain that overtook his face. To this day, Lovino remembered exactly what he had said.

"It's going to be just us now, Lovino. You, me and Feli." He paused, sighing heavily into the cold air. "Mamma is in God's hands now. She's looking over us, always. And she will always be here." Roma pressed his trembling fingers against Lovino's heart.

With his innocence still intact, Lovino could think of only one thing to ask. "If God has her, why won't he give her back?"

Roma didn't say anything.

Something snapped inside Lovino that day.

.

Lovino thought he'd never get out of that church. It took him at least twenty minutes to pry Feliciano away from that German, who he was talking at more than talking with. The whole time, Antonio was looking on in amusement. Breaking away from his line of sight was all he had wanted. His skin burned under Antonio's gentle gaze, his carefree smile and his bubbling laughter. When he finally managed to pull his brother out the doors, Lovino's face was burning bright red in embarrassment.

The cool air on the other side of the door was an instant relief. It felt like years had passed since he saw the outside world. Lovino sighed. Finally. He wouldn't have to go back for another week, and he wouldn't have to see that crazy Spaniard until then. That was a good thing, why did it feel like he'd just lost a best friend?

Feliciano didn't waste any time to start talking again. "Don't you love our group, Lovino? Everyone is so nice, especially Ludwig! He's from Germany and he has a big brother too, isn't that cool? Antonio is so nice, he didn't even make us work, and his game was really fun too!"

Lovino laughed humorlessly. "Don't you think he's kind of strange?"

"Strange? No, I like him, don't you like him? He seemed to really like you!" Feliciano paused and his smile widened. "I think you're his favorite!"

Lovino had never been a favorite before. The little jump in his chest when he considered the notion instantly irritated him. "I'm not his favorite. You're always the favorite."

It didn't take a genius to figure out that Feliciano was always the golden child. He was the one that restored Roma's smile and the little gleam in his eye in the years after the funeral. Watching him grow up, his bright smiles and constant laugher were what gave Grandpa his livelihood back. In those years, Lovino was all questions and nights spent in deep contemplation that no child should have to face. Feliciano was the unscathed, innocent light in what was such a dark time.

"I am not always the favorite!" Feliciano argued. "Besides, Antonio was talking to you that entire time and you're the only one he said something to at the end, well he said goodbye to everyone, but he said he can't wait to see you again!"

Lovino sighed. "That's because I was the only one alone, Feli."

"You're so stubborn, Lovi!" Feliciano's pout vanished in an instant. "I can't wait to tell grandpa!"

Lovino quickly changed the subject. "I don't like that place." He thought back to the sermon that made his blood run cold. "That priest was pretty damn aggressive."

"Was he?" Feliciano's voice dipped. He looked away from his brother and stared at the ground like the cracks in the sidewalk suddenly interested him.

He knew he'd been paying attention after all. "Did what he said upset you?" asked Lovino. Concern rose in his voice, though hope grew in his chest. If Feliciano didn't like the place, maybe Grandpa would reconsider. "If that place is upsetting you, Feliciano…"

Feliciano whipped around to face him again. "No! No, I'm not upset, why would I be upset? Don't be silly!"

He responded too quickly. Lovino's eyes narrowed in suspicion, but he shrugged it off with a sigh. Feliciano was just being Feliciano. Lovino knew Roma wasn't going to change his mind about this, something he held so dear to his heart. Catholicism had been the hope he clung to in the aftermath of his beloved daughter's death. Besides, Feliciano had already made a new friend to latch onto. All hope in avoiding this was lost.

The rest of the walk passed in mostly silence with an occasional comment from Feliciano about some trivial thing. The farther away from the church they got, the more relaxed Lovino became. He had forgotten exactly how uncomfortable churches made him. He couldn't put his finger on why he felt that way about them; it had been a slow progression that eventually made him feel like he was being eaten alive by piranhas while simultaneously being burned by hot coals whenever he walked into one.

As much as it horrified and embarrassed him to admit it to even himself, Lovino had forgotten about that discomfort when he had been playing that childish game with Antonio. He had treated him like he was the most important person in the room, unlike other times when he might as well have been a piece of furniture. Thinking about this, he immediately felt childish. Was he really so desperate for attention that he was sent into a girlish tizzy whenever it's given to him? He pushed the nauseating thoughts to the very back of his mind where they belonged.

The second they walked through the door, Feliciano saw Grandpa Roma sitting on the sofa and ran towards him. "Hi, Grandpa!" He said, embracing him in a tight hug like he hadn't seen him in years.

Roma's face lit up the moment he saw him. Lovino was used to seeing that flame erupt in his grandfather when his eyes fell on the little light that was Feliciano. Lovino wished that same fire spread across his face when he saw him. He squinted in attempts to see it though his smiles, any resemblance of it, but he never truly did.

Roma smiled and patted his grandson's shoulder. "Hello, Feli." He said warmly.

Lovino shuffled slowly into the room without a fraction of the enthusiasm his brother had carried. He waved hello halfheartedly. "Hi, Grandpa." He muttered.

"Hello, Lovi! Come on, why don't you sit with us?" He said. Feliciano had sat next to him on the sofa, and Roma was now beckoning for Lovino to join.

Lovino hesitated. After all that activity, he wanted nothing more than the sweet isolation his room provided. He had always been the introverted one in the family, a far cry from Feliciano's relentless chatter and Roma's demanding presence. Then again, they were his family- his only family. Lovino shrugged and sauntered over, taking his place on the other side of Roma. He tucked his small frame into the corner while Feliciano laid his head on their grandfather's shoulder.

"So, little ones, tell me" Roma said, "how was the class? Did you like the church?"

Lovino opened his mouth to speak even though he wasn't sure what he was going to say. He could have protested Roma still using the nickname 'little one' even though he was nearly an adult, or he could have told him how strange this church was. Before he had the opportunity to even make the choice, Feliciano spoke for them. Again.

"It was so much fun, Grandpa! Our mentor Antonio is from Spain, he's really nice and he has a pretty accent, he even made up a game for us to play, we should play it here sometime! Oh, I even made a friend! His name is Ludwig and he's from Germany!" said Feliciano, the eagerness in his voice rising and falling like soap bubbles.

Roma smiled indulgently. "Is that so? Well that's lovely, Feli." Feliciano smiled, satisfied, and Roma turned to Lovino. "How about you, Lovi? Make any friends?" The smallest hint of hope lingered in the spaces between his words, which made Lovino cringe.

He dropped his eyes to the floor. "Uh, well…"

For once, he was glad when Feliciano interrupted him. What he said, however, blew that gratitude right out of the water. "Lovino is Antonio's favorite!"

"Feliciano, no." Lovino said coldly. "For the millionth time, it's his job to be nice. That's all it was."

Roma ignored his complaints. "His favorite? Well, of course he is!" If he was being sarcastic, Lovino couldn't tell. Even so, he could think of a million reasons why he wouldn't be anyone's favorite. The biggest reason was sitting to the other side of his grandfather. "I didn't know you'd be the teachers pet, Lovino!" said Roma.

"Alright, alright!" said Lovino, throwing his hands in the air in defeat. Annoyance bubbled in his chest as he watched Feliciano giggle. "I'm the favorite, the apple of that damn Spaniard's eye, okay?"

Roma laughed, shaking his head in amusement. Finally, he changed the subject. "How is that church? I would have gone with you two, but I had a few phone calls to make."

Lovino felt his chest tighten with a strange, unfamiliar anxiety. He couldn't be sure if this was better or worse than being teased about being 'the favorite.' Regardless, it was his turn to speak. "It was weird, Grandpa." The moment the four simple words passed his lips; he could feel two sets of eyes glued on him. When he continued speaking, he stopped thinking. "The priest tried to act all intimidating, and the congregation just stared at him like robots. He said we're all sinners."

Feliciano and Roma were still staring at him like eerie paintings on a wall, waiting. As if someone had flipped a switch and changed everyone in the room to their very cores, their familiar eyes felt like hot lasers. What were they waiting for? Lovino sighed. "I'm just saying it was different than what I'm used to, okay?" He muttered.

Roma broke out of his stare. His lips parted as if to speak, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Well, the faith does teach that we're all sinners, Lovino. You know that. It is not meant to make you feel bad." His voice was thick was patronization.

Lovino exhaled heavily. As if he hadn't been told that more times than he could count. "Yes, I know. I'm painfully aware." He took a deep breath to stop himself. He didn't want to say something he was going to regret later, all he wanted was to get his point across, to be heard. "This was different. That was what he opened with, that we're all sinners and need to be saved. He warned us not to stray. It sounded like a threat." He looked at Feliciano. "Right, Feli? Don't you remember?"

Feliciano's previously sleepy eyes shot open. He dropped his gaze into his hands. "Oh! Well, yes, I remember there was a sermon! I wasn't really paying attention though, I got distracted." Then he chuckled. It was a trembling, unnatural laugh. Lovino knew his brother. That laugh was akin to Feliciano flat out admitting he was lying.

Lovino lost all control over what he was saying. "Yes you were, Feliciano. You hung onto every word out of that bastard's mouth!"

"That's enough, Lovino!" Roma exclaimed. His calm demeanor had vanished. "Do not say such things about a man of God in my house! Show some respect!"

Lovino relaxed his clenched jaw, desperate to control the all too familiar flood of frustration that coursed through his veins like a storm-battered current. He'd barely been home ten minutes and he'd already managed to upset his grandfather. That had to be a record. He cursed himself, cursed his impulsiveness and fiery temper that set him so far apart from his sweet baby brother. Feliciano never upset Roma. It was like he wasn't capable of it.

Feliciano was always the favorite for a damn good reason.

"Alright, fine." Lovino said flatly with a jerking, dismissive wave of the hand. "Sorry I'm such a lapsed Catholic. Sorry I'm such a damn disappointment."

Feliciano just stared at the scene unfolding in front of him, his eyes wide and unmoving. Roma began to stand. "Lovino, what are you taking about?"

There was nothing more he could say or do. "Nothing. Forget it."

"Lovino!"

Lovino ignored his grandfather's warning tone and did the only thing he could think to do- he got up and went to his room without another word. It was an immature, bratty thing to do and he knew that. But in that moment, he couldn't find the will to care. He was about ready to jump out of the closest window if it meant getting away from the ears that didn't hear him and the eyes that stared through him like he wasn't truly there.

It wasn't until Lovino closed his bedroom door that he was able to breathe again. He knew he should have gone straight there in the first place. He exhaled like he'd been holding his breath, closed his eyes and sank to the floor like he'd been standing for years. If he strained his ears, he could hear Feliciano speaking excitedly about something else entirely like there had never been an argument. Good. Hopefully Feliciano would talk Roma's ear off for hours, enough so they would forget Lovino even existed. Right then, it was what he needed to happen.

To be continued...