It was a dark and stormy day in the dark and stormy life of the dark and stormy Harry Potter, whose parents were most definitely killed by Lord Voldemort and not a car crash. People seemed ill-informed about this subject! Harry was in his dormitory, mourning the loss of his dearly beloved man-friend Ronaldo Weasley (who he had engaged in sexual intercourse with multiple times, but was physically repulsed by). He wept. His sidebangs fluttered in the breeze of his agony, his tears glisten lost in the sparkling field of his girl pants.
Then, suddenly, from the ashes arose Ron in a firey ball of man-flame! "Gasp!" gasped Harry, his breath intaking with a sudden convulsion of consternation, his arms waving wildly above his torso. From this blazing comet of beefcake-pyre emerged Ron, apparently a phoenix. "Hello Harry."
"Great bollocks of moudly bell peppers!" barked Harry, "Ron?" "Ronaldooooooo," " Whateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevssssssss. Is that you?"
"Indeed, for I could not leave you my Harry. When I killed myself last night over the loss of my most beloved man-toy, you, I realised, NO! I cannot leave his side! Though he may be physically replused by me, though he may never take me back again, I love you Harry! I-"
"Ron! My parents... They're dead, did you know?"
"I - I did know that actually..." Ron the pheonix looked sheepish.
"And Ron, Ron I have to live with Muggles. And they are FAT and they ABUSE ME, RON. They smell bad, RON. Sometimes they make me lick their armpits for fun, RONNN! Were you AWARE of this FACT?!"
"Harry..."
Harry whipped around to meet Ron's eyes and they shared a moment so powerful it could have been the blast that killed Harry's parents.
"No-nobody had informed me of this fact", Ron's face looked like a speckly tomato with shreds of carrots on top, and a couple of ears.
"I'm sorry Ron, but..."
SNEAK PREVIEW OF THE NEXT INSTALLMENT
Ron pees.