Chapter 2 Grieving
I live like a zombie. I barely sleep. I barely eat. A week after Alexander's death we have the funeral. Everyone from the office is there along with my family and his family. I've written a speech for him and I am also going to sing a classic song.
I go up and say my speech.
"A year ago today I met the love of my life Alexander Hart. And like his surname he stole my heart. He had the biggest heart of anyone that I know. Today was supposed to be our wedding day and now it is his funeral. I place these yellow and red roses on his grave as a symbol that despite the fact that he is gone I will always love him and he will always be in my heart. I love you Alexander Hart with all of my Heart. Your memory lives on forever in my heart!"
I then begin to sing
"Somewhere over the rainbow way up high Someday I'll wish upon a star Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly If happy little bluebirds fly
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?
Beyond the rainbow why oh why can't I!"
As I am singing the last few notes I am sobbing the tears are streaming down my face but I keep on singing right to the very end. My mom comes over and gives me a hug and I collapse against her as she walks us back to our seats. Then suddenly the funeral is over and we are going to the crematorium. The coffin is being placed down ready to be incinerated and suddenly I am screaming
"Alexander! Don't leave me! I need you come back to me!" and then he is gone and I am left with a urn full of his ashes but they are not him. I keep them on my mantelpiece. I also never take my engagement ring off even when I am asleep.
Four months have passed. I haven't been out of the flat we once shared together. I just sit on my bed crying, lie on my bed crying or look at the photo album we made together. There is only one. My favorite photo is the one where we are looking at the sunset together and dreaming about our honeymoon. We were going to go to England and explore both the city and the countryside. My mom brings me food which I don't eat, my dad tries to comfort me which doesn't work. My brother (the nerd that he is) sends me therapy books with stupid titles like "Four ways to cope with your loss each day" and "The Six Stages of Grief" which did not go so well as one time I was so upset I threw the books out of the window and they were run over by a truck. The only colour of clothes I wear is black as I am mourning.
Eventually one morning I decide to clear out his office desk. I empty out every single thing and find pictures of us together in every single drawer. Some of them I haven't even seen. I gather them up and wrap them in an elastic band and place them in my bag to add to the album. I quit my job as I was too depressed to work so I empty my desk as well and keep all the pictures I find there.
I then go into the photocopying room. When I walk in I expect him to be there like he always was whenever I entered it. I want to see his smile again. Suddenly I feel so angry I throw a stapler at the photocopier and I open all the drawers and throw out all the paper. I then grab a pencil and begin drawing lots of hearts on the paper and the cutting them out. I then cut a zigzag line through each of the hearts so every single heart is now a broken one. I throw them over the floor like confetti. I find a permanent marker and write on the wall "Alexander and Beatrice 4Ever" surrounded by a heart. I then use the scissors and cut my long blonde hair until it is chin length. I need to make myself look different. I just sit in the photocopying room and sob and scream his name over and over again. All I want is for someone to make the pain go away but I am also afraid that if the pain does go away then I will lose Alexander forever. Eventually Daisy who also works as an assistant comes in and takes me home.
It is now six months since his death and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I see him everywhere I go and when I run towards him thinking that he was just lost all this time he disappears or it is someone else. I am tired of living like this. This place no longer feels like home. That all changes when one night I have a dream and in the dream I am sitting on our balcony with him watching the sunset and then I wake up. I suddenly know where I have to go. I know that Alexander is telling me to go to England.
I immediately start looking for cheap flats in London. My mom and I look at them together. She keeps saying "Are you sure about this Beatrice?" and I keep saying yes I feel like Alexander is guiding me. I then look at the clock and am shocked when I notice that it is 10am. I haven't cried about Alexander in over seven hours which is a new record for me. I find that the flats in London are too expensive so I look into requests for roommates. I then find the perfect one her name is Christina and she is also an American. I ring her up and after a long chat she offers me the apartment saying I sound like the perfect roommate. Before she hangs up she says
"Oh, what was your name again?"
I hesitate and then say "Tris, Tris Hart."
Three months later I have my apartment all packed up and all my stuff is in my suitcases. Before I leave for the airport I make my parents drop me off at my old office. I go up to the photocopying room and say "I'm on my way sweetheart, I'll see you soon. I love you with all of my heart." I place a single yellow rose on the photocopier. I then go back downstairs and into my parents car. My flight is at 20:00 which I think is perfect as that is around the time the sun begins to set then and so I can look out of the window and imagine that he is with me, sitting right next to me. We arrive at the airport and I check in. My parents sit and wait with me until it is time to board my plane. I give my mom a huge hug. She tells me to take care of myself and to call her as soon as I land. Dad tells me to keep my chin up and to remember that I can always come home if I find things too hard.
I know that there is no going back now. I have to only look ahead for the future that Alexander and I will have together. I get my ticket number which is 6a and has a window seat this is just perfect as I can look out of the window and watch the sunset. I say to myself it is time for a fresh start.
Goodbye Beatrice Prior, Hello Tris Hart. I still have not taken my engagement ring off my finger once.
That's chapter 2 finished. In case you didn't know the song sung at the funeral is Over The Rainbow. I picked this song as I know someone who sang this song at a funeral and I just think it's a beautiful song.
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