Songs included: A Summer Wasting (Belle and Sebastian)
Day 2
"Beth?"
She woke up at the soft call. It took a moment to re-orient herself - she was in a strangely comfortable bed, it was dark, and by the bed was a crib… Beth realized where she was, and pushed herself into a sitting position, reaching out to find her knife - thankfully, it was right where she'd left it. She looked up at the girl standing in the doorway.
"Mika, is everything alright?"
"I went to the bathroom and then I got scared," Mika admitted.
"Do you want to sleep with me?"
Mika nodded wordlessly. She closed the door quietly behind her and approached Beth, her feet pitter pattering on the hardwood floor.
Beth pulled back the covers for the little girl to crawl under. When Beth lay back, Mika was quick to snuggle into her side.
"You were very brave today," Beth reminded her.
"Not as brave as you," Mika whispered into her shirt. Beth wrapped her arms about the girl, holding her gently.
"Actually, you remind me a lot of myself," Beth told her. "I was only seventeen when this started, but my father and big sister kept me protected for a long time. I didn't have to kill a walker for three months."
"Really?" Mika couldn't believe it.
"Really," Beth assured her. "When our family farm was overrun by walkers, we went on the run, always moving from place to place - for eight whole months. My father still tried to keep me safe, hiding me from the world. I nearly got bit once while I was staying back at the camp. Rick saved my life. Everyone else chided me, telling me I should have stayed in the car."
Mika listened silently.
"See, I left the car to kill the walker. Lori was sleeping - she was Judith's mother, you see, and she was pregnant with her at the time. I didn't want it to disturb her 'cause she hardly ever slept. So I took a knife and went after it. I had no idea how to fight 'cause nobody had ever trained me. When everyone else was done lecturing me, Rick took me aside and told me that I had the right idea, I just needed training. He showed me a few moves that day - how to dodge, where it was easiest to stab to kill a walker… And later on, how to shoot. Then he started putting me on guard. My dad protested, but I'd gotten better, and I was suddenly more confident because Rick believed in me. While they were arguing, I made my first headshot."
Beth remembered every bit of that moment with pride.
"They just stopped talking and stared at me. Then daddy laughed and said that I'd grown up without him realizing it. He said that he could rest peacefully knowing I was on watch. I felt so proud."
"Will you teach me how to shoot?"
"Absolutely," Beth told her, though her voice suddenly felt thick. Rick was the better shot and a great teacher, she wanted to tell Mika that he would train her - but she couldn't promise that. Not when she didn't know if he'd make it.
"I'll teach you how to fight too," Beth promised, stroking Mika's hair. "We're family now, Mika. We'll take care of each other."
"Mmm," the girl murmured, snuggling closer.
Beth stroked her hair until she fell asleep, and soon she was drifting away too.
Beth woke to the familiar sounds of Judith crying. The sun was just starting to rise, and she was surprised and grateful that Judy had slept this long.
She slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Mika. The girl was burrowed against her side, one arm thrown over Beth's waist, and Beth smiled at how peaceful she looked.
Beth took Judith out of her crib and laid her down on a clean shirt on the floor. She undressed her and changed her diaper, throwing the used one out the window. For good measure, she wiped Judy's face clean, then picked her up again and kissed her little forehead.
"Do you like it?" Beth asked softly as Judy plucked at her new outfit with her little fingers.
She had found a box of baby clothes in the parents' closet. They were probably hand-me-downs from their older kids, but they weren't too worn, and they were clean. Beth had decided to dress Judith in a cute little brown dress she'd found, and tucked a few larger outfits into the baby bag, knowing that Judy would need some to grow into.
"Beth?" Mika was sitting up in bed, yawning as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
"Good morning," Beth greeted her warmly. "Would you mind giving Judith a bottle? I'd like to check on Rick."
"Sure," Mika agreed.
Beth put the baby in her arms, then sat down to put on her cowgirl boots. She stretched carefully, then she picked up her knife, flexing her fingers, and made her way quietly into the hall, closing the door behind her.
When she reached the room where Rick had slept, Beth knocked cautiously.
"Rick?"
There was no answer. Beth took a deep breath and opened the door. Rick was still in bed, exactly where she'd left him. She walked carefully closer. Rick was still, too still…
"Rick? Please be alive. Don't give up on me."
Beth came closer, holding the knife firmly in front of her. He moaned suddenly, low and rattling.
Her heart fell in her chest. Not Rick, please no, Beth thought fervently.
Rick's eyes opened slightly, not enough for her to see, and he reached his right arm slowly towards her, groaning.
"No," Beth cried softly. "No, Rick, please…" Her tears began to flow freely as she clutched the knife.
He leaned towards her, and fell off the bed. She instinctively took a step towards him before she was able to stop herself. Rick groaned and rolled onto his side, extending his arm in her direction.
Still sobbing, Beth stepped forward, keeping the knife in front of her.
"I'm so sorry," she wept. "I'm going to miss you so much, Rick. I - I promise I'll take care of Judy."
She had just raised her knife for the blow when she heard it -
"Beth," he croaked.
"Rick!" Beth cried, falling to her knees beside him. She let her knife fall, clattering to the floor. She pulled him up and into her arms.
"You're alive," Beth said wondrously. She took a deep breath and then stood, hauling him into the bed and tucking him back in. He was warm, not cold, she thought happily. Beth pulled back reluctantly, and then turned to grab the half-bottle of gatorade she'd left with him.
"Here," Beth said softly. She cupped the back of his head in one hand, and poured small amounts of the gatorade into his mouth.
Rick swallowed hungrily, and soon he'd downed it all.
"Beth," he said, his voice still rough, but no longer as hoarse. "How long was I out? Where's Judy?"
"She's safe with Mika in the other room," Beth told him, beaming at him. "You slept for about twelve hours."
He was exhausted, beat up, and had a bullet wound in his leg, but he was awake, and so gloriously alive. She felt overwhelmed with relief.
"I'm so glad you woke up," Beth told him breathlessly.
"Me too," Rick said honestly, meeting her eyes. He reached out and grabbed her hand, then brought it to his mouth and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.
Beth flushed brilliantly.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like I got run over - and shot," Rick said wryly. "But I'll live."
"You'd better," Beth said sternly, though she was beaming at him. "Rick, don't you ever scare me like that again. I couldn't wake you up for anything."
"I'm sorry," Rick told her, touched by how much she cared. "I probably passed out from the blood loss. My leg's… Well, it's not exactly feeling great, but you fixed it up good."
"I'm glad," Beth said sincerely. "Can I get you something? There's food and some water."
"Judy?" Rick asked hopefully.
"O' course," Beth beamed at him.
She ran from the room to get Mika and Judy.
"Rick's awake, you can go say hi," she told Mika.
The girl brightened at the news, and took off as soon as Beth had taken Judy.
"You're alive," Mika said excitedly.
"That I am," Rick laughed softly.
"I'm glad," the young girl told him. "Do you want some chocolate? Beth gave me a whole bar."
"I'd love some," Rick said gratefully. "That's very generous of you."
Mika went to find the chocolate, nearly colliding with the crib as Beth wheeled it in.
"Hey Judy, your daddy's awake," Beth crooned sweetly. Judith gurgled happily, raising her arms to be lifted, and Beth obliged.
She lifted the seven month old in her arms, holding her close and kissing Judy's cute little nose.
"Want to say hi?" Beth whispered before nuzzling their noses together and making Judith giggle.
Rick watched them and marveled at the sight of them together. With the sun illuminating them, they looked like a pair of angels. He'd relied on Beth to care for Judith for so long that Beth had become a mother to his baby girl. Beth held her with such tenderness, it was obvious how much she loved his daughter - and how much Judy loved her in turn. Nobody could make Judith smile like Beth did, not even him, Rick knew.
"Hey, Judith," Rick said fondly, taking the baby in his arms when Beth offered her.
"She had a bottle and some peas last night," Beth informed him as she came to sit next to him. "And another bottle this morning. I was thinking of mashing her some peaches for lunch."
"Peaches and peas?" Rick asked, intrigued. "You found some good stuff."
"You have no idea," Beth laughed happily. "The basement looked emptied, but there was a box of goods for a food drive hiding under the stairs. Five cans each of sweet peas, peaches, tomatoes, tuna, and refried beans. And there was a big pack of water bottles and two boxes of crackers, I had to make two trips."
"That's great," Rick breathed, quite stunned by their providence.
Mika came back in then, carrying her book and her bar of chocolate.
"Chocolate for breakfast?" Beth giggled as Mika began to unwrap the foil.
"Rick's hungry," Mika said pleadingly.
"How about we start with something bigger, and finish with chocolate?" Beth suggested. "Give me a minute and I'll pull something together."
"Okay," Mika smiled at her.
Beth practically skipped her way downstairs, feeling much better than she had earlier. Rick was going to be okay. Suddenly she felt that things might really be alright.
Rick watched her bound away, grinning despite the pain. Beth had done a run all on her own. What's more, she'd taken care of not only herself and Judy, but him.
Glancing down, he realized that he was shirtless. And, he was cleaner and more bandaged than he'd been before last night… Cookie Monster was smiling up at him from his right arm. Rick laughed quietly at the sight.
He caught Mika staring at his chest with wide eyes.
"Do I look that bad?" Rick asked wryly.
Mika hesitated for a moment, then nodded.
"I've had worse," Rick assured her, but she didn't look convinced. "I got shot in the chest and didn't wake up for months."
"Like a coma?" Mika queried.
"Yeah, exactly like it. When I woke up, I was the only living person left in the hospital," Rick told her. "The Turn had happened while I was asleep. I had no idea what was going on, or where everybody had gone. I got lucky, and found a man and his son who helped me heal, and taught me about the walkers and what I had to do to survive."
"Is it that scar?" She pointed to the one on his left side.
"Yeah," Rick nodded. "Good eye."
"What's that one from?"
"Stabbed."
Mika's mouth twitched up in a smile.
"You get hurt a lot."
"I'm a sheriff," Rick retorted. "Part of the job."
Mika nodded understandingly.
"That means you were a cop, right?" When Rick nodded, she continued. "So what do sheriffs do now?
"Well, I kill a lot of walkers," Rick chuckled. "Try to protect good people, and stop bad people from hurting others."
"That's good," Mika said with a nod.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Rick asked her without really thinking it through. What could she really be in this world?
Mika paused. She looked over at Rick's wounds, then out the window. She could see three walkers moving slowly down the highway, towards the prison.
"Alive," she said after a moment.
Rick's face lost all of its humor. The two of them sat in silence for a while, both looking out the window.
"Hello, I'm Beth, your server today," Beth beamed at them as she walked jauntily through the bedroom door. "And welcome to the Greene Family Restaurant! I've got three specials of the day. Who ordered these fine meals?"
"I did," Mika piped up.
"One for me, please," Rick grinned at his 'waitress'.
"Here you go, Miss," Beth winked at Mika as she handed her a plate from her loaded tray. "And one for you, Mr. Grimes."
"Thank you, Miss Beth," Rick laughed, accepting his plate.
One side had a pile of refried beans with some diced canned tomatoes on top of it, then there was a little pile of sweet peas, and finally one of peaches.
"This looks delicious," Rick informed her. "Thank the chef for me."
Beth giggled happily, sitting herself on the bed with her own plate.
"I'll do that, Mr. Grimes."
Rick glanced at Beth's plate, then at the both of theirs. He had the largest serving, Mika had what seemed a reasonable amount for a girl her age, and Beth had even less.
"Beth," he said quietly, pointing at her plate. "What's this?"
"My brunch?" Beth asked, confused.
"You didn't take enough for yourself." Rick lifted his plate over and began to spoon some of his serving onto her plate.
"No, Rick, I'm fine," Beth protested. "Please don't! I'm not that hungry."
"I looked in that box you brought," Rick declared. "That's enough food for all of us for a few days, eating good. You're the one going out and doing stuff, you need more than this."
"I've always got a small appetite," Beth said, avoiding his eyes.
"It's true," Mika piped up between bites. "I've never seen Beth finish a meal at the prison."
Beth gave her a warning look, but Mika didn't notice.
"She'd split like half of it between me and Lizzie," Mika continued. "Or mash it up for Judith. She just doesn't get real hungry."
Beth looked up nervously at Rick.
His mind began to race. Beth always ate like this? He'd heard her stomach rumble before when he took Judith in the afternoon, and he'd remind her to get her dinner, figuring that she just had a big appetite.
"You always eat like this?" Rick demanded.
Beth gave a little shrug.
"Not anymore," Rick said roughly. "Long as we got food, you eat the same as us. You're not allowed to starve yourself."
Beth sighed, looking over at Judith.
"And I'm going to watch you eat," Rick continued. "Make sure you don't give it all to Mika and Judith."
"Yes sir," Beth muttered grumpily.
"Hey."
Rick caught her cheek in his hand before she could turn away.
"Beth, you matter." Rick said, looking at her seriously. "You deserve to eat well, and you need to, in order to stay strong."
She couldn't bring herself to look away from his gaze.
"Alright," Beth said softly. Rick nodded, and drew his hand back from her cheek.
They ate in silence for a while, everyone digging in. Now that Rick wasn't letting her get away with sneaking her portions to the girls, Beth let herself enjoy her full plate of food. She snuck glances at him, struck by how much he cared about her. He wasn't going to let her be self-sacrificing. It meant a lot that he'd noticed, and told her frankly that he knew she had to treat herself better. Maggie and her father had never noticed what Rick had noticed so quickly.
Mika ate quietly, happy with the meal. It wasn't anything as good as what she'd gotten used to in her four months living at the prison, but it was better than what she'd eaten on most days before then. Mika, Lizzie and her father had been living on the road for months after they had to flee their town, and some days they'd had nothing to eat at all. They had learned to count themselves lucky if they found a bag of stale chips to share between the three of them.
"It was a good idea mixing the tomatoes and refried beans together," Rick told Beth.
"Mmm hmm," Mika agreed with her mouth full.
"I bet if I could find some enchilada sauce, it'd be even better. Not as good as real enchiladas, but I'm pretty sure walkers overran my favorite Mexican restaurant," Beth said wistfully. "My family always went on Thursday nights. I miss getting to eat out."
"We'd always do pizza on Friday nights," Rick recollected. "We always had to get two pizzas, 'cause Lori and I loved pineapple on our pizza and Carl hated it."
"Was pizza your favorite food?" Mika asked.
"It's still up there," Rick said thoughtfully. "But the top spot might have to go to… Cherry pie."
"I like pumpkin pie the best," Mike declared. "Especially at Thanksgiving. I loved Thanksgiving dinners so much… I wish we could have a turkey someday, with gravy and cranberry sauce…"
"Thanksgiving was great," Beth agreed. "If we're choosing favorite pies, I'd have to go with rhubarb."
"Rhubarb? Isn't that really sour?" Mika asked between bites of her peas.
"Not when you bake it with lots of sugar," Beth giggled. "Then it's a little sour and a lot sweet, and very tart. My mom would always make it for me for my birthday dinners, after we finished the pot licker and corn on the cob."
"Pot licker?"
"It's a head of greens, usually collards, cooked with onion and a lot of garlic, left in whole cloves. Then you put in some ham, some broth, some chili flakes, and let it cook for a while. It was delicious," Beth explained, her eyes closing as she imagined her favorite meal. "And the corn was hot and dripping with butter."
Her head tilted to the side and she moaned softly at the memory. Rick swallowed harshly and quickly looked anywhere but at Beth.
"I'm full," Beth said, breaking the silence as she wondered what had Rick staring down at his empty plate. "I was thinking of going on another run."
Rick's head snapped back up, his eyes suddenly filled with concern.
"Aren't we set for now?"
"I'd like to find a weapon for Mika," Beth told him. "And we don't what we might miss if I don't at least look."
"Alright," Rick said, nodding. This time he didn't bother trying to limit her - he wanted her to know he trusted her with this. She'd shown that she could be.
Beth beamed at him in relief.
"Just come back soon?"
"Always," Beth promised, and headed out, pressing a kiss first to Mika's forehead, and then to Judith's. She emptied her backpack onto the floor, then headed downstairs with it on her back, her knife in her hand.
There were exactly five houses on the residential street, and she'd searched the one next door last night, so there were three more to pick from.
Beth chose the one right across the street because she could see the small playground in the backyard - it made her hope that there might be more items that would be useful for Judith.
The front door was locked, so she went around to the back door. It was wideopen, and she was instantly on alert.
"Anyone home?"
There was a telltale groan, and she stepped back, calling again to summon it closer.
As the walker came outside, Beth began to approach, but stopped when two more stumbled out after it - one larger, and one smaller.
She just had a knife - she'd have to be smart. There was ten feet between the first and the next two.
Beth stepped forward and kicked the female walker's leg out from under her. It was down for at least a moment, but she didn't have time to stab it - the next one, an older male, was already close.
He had white hair and a white beard, and for a moment he looked a lot like her father. She quickly refocused, realizing it was just a walker who had a few superficial similarities.
Beth snapped her leg out again, but he only stumbled, not falling. She ran in a circle, coming behind it, and shoved the walker before it could completely turn to face her.
The walker fell forward, and Beth slammed a knee into its back, sliding her knife into the back of its head with a nasty slick noise. She rolled away and got up again right away.
The first one she'd knocked back was crawling towards her, while the last one standing, a young woman, was just a few feet away. It lunged at her, and Beth sidestepped, kicking out with her left leg, which was weaker than her right.
The female walker was down, but the other one was coming closer. Beth kicked it in the face, and followed it up with another stab. It collapsed, now truly dead, and she turned back to the last one.
The girl had been her height, a slight brunette in a green dress. Beth didn't bother kicking her again - she walked right up to her and buried the blade through the walker's eye.
It was done. Beth looked around for any more threats, and was relieved when she couldn't spot any. That was harder than what she was used to, and her breath was coming in noticeable pants.
Beth took a minute to rest, looking upwards to admire the blue sky with puffy white clouds.
When she had her breath back, she entered the house, closing the door behind her. She cleared the downstairs quietly, checking the second floor and finally the basement.
Only when she was sure there were no more Walkers did she really begin searching.
The kitchen was empty, except for one high cupboard, which had half a container of dried oats and a mostly used jar of honey, both of which she grabbed. Beth made her way through the living room, collecting a working lighter, and found some mouthwash and toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom.
Upstairs, she found two unopened toothbrushes and some new toothpaste stashed under the sink, along with some aspirin, baby shampoo, and tampons. They all went in the bag, and she moved on to the bedrooms.
The guest room was fairly barren, though there was a nice scented candle that she grabbed. In the teen's bedroom, Beth found a metal baseball bat.
She swung it a few times, thinking that the light weapon would be good for Mika. With her size, the ten year old would need a melee weapon that allowed her to fight from a distance. She wouldn't be able to win a grapple with a walker, and had to take it out before it got close.
After a moment, Beth grabbed a couple of comic books. Carl liked comics, and maybe Mika would too. She found a few fruit roll ups in a dresser drawer, and she made sure to take them too - she'd never liked them herself, but these days, anything edible was worth taking.
In the final bedroom, she found the most exciting thing - in the closet, on the highest shelf, tucked behind some hats, was a lockbox. Beth took down the box and set it on the bed. She grabbed her knife, held the lockbox steady in the other hand, and slammed the blade into the lock.
The lock broke, and Beth grinned. When she opened it, she found some papers and passports, and frowned… Until she lifted them up. There was what she'd been looking for.
Beth reverently took out the the small revolver, tucked into a holster. It was a much better size than most of the guns she'd used back at the priso - it actually fit in her hands, and it wasn't absurdly heavy like most guns she'd seen. It had a reddish wood grip and the rest was a shiny black metal.
She popped out the cylinder and checked that it was fully loaded. Beth took a minute to take off her belt and hook the gun holster to it. Since she was right handed, she put the gun on her right side, and moved the knife to her left. She moved the boxes of ammo from the lockbox to her backpack, and headed over to the mirror.
She practiced quick-drawing the gun, and nearly fumbled it to the ground. She managed to catch it, then reholstered it and tried again. This time she drew it quickly, bringing it up to point at the mirror. Pleased with her reaction time, she put away her new revolver and began to look around the vanity by the mirror.
There was a box full of make-up. Feeling curious, she poked through it, until she found a light red lipstick that she thought might be pretty. After a moment of hesitation, Beth applied a layer of the lipstick to her lips.
Beth looked at herself in the mirror and stared in surprise. She fancied that she looked older when she wore make-up. She didn't bother with anything else - it would just get messy. Beth just tossed the small tube of lipstick into her backpack.
Her eyes turned to the jewelry box atop the vanity. Beth opened the box and sifted through various bracelets, rings, earrings, and necklaces. They were pretty, but they didn't inspire the same emotion that her own simple jewelry did.
Beth wore three bracelets on her left wrist. At the top was the leather band that Shawn had made into a bracelet for her seventeenth birthday, with her name carved onto the soft leather inside. Then there was the indian beaded bracelet her mother had given her on their last Christmas together. The last bracelet, simple black beads, was from Patricia. By wearing them, she felt like a part of them was always with her. She didn't want a bracelet that meant nothing.
She hadn't taken them off since the day they'd left the farm. She'd lost them, and she'd lost her home, but she'd been determined not to lose these, not ever. When Lori had dragged her away from the burning house, Beth had been wearing a necklace Jimmy had given her - a tiny silver heart on a silver chain. The clasp on it had broken a few months later, and she'd lost it without knowing where. She'd been struck by the loss at the time, but eventually she'd moved on, just as she had to move on from the loss of her family and Jimmy and Patricia.
Maggie had replaced the necklace one day. She'd returned from a run and given Beth a little pendant of two silver hearts crossed together. Beth had tried to find chains for it, and Daryl had solved the problem by bringing her a thin black cord, even tying it together for her. She'd taken it off occasionally to clean, but she swore to herself that she wouldn't take it off again until she found both of them - her sister, and the silent archer who'd slowly but surely become part of the family.
One thing did catch her eye - a small silver bracelet with flowers engraved on it. Beth picked it up, wondering, and decided to take it - maybe Mika would like it. She hadn't noticed the younger girl wearing any jewelry.
Beth giggled when she found a pair of diamond studs in their own box hidden in the top drawer. They were pretty, and she wondered if they were real, or just cubic zirconium. In any case, she carefully put them in her ears, and admired herself for a moment.
There was nothing wrong with looking pretty, Beth figured. She could still fight walkers like this - it wasn't like she'd gone crazy and would be trying to run from killers in high heels and a prom dress. She wondered momentarily what it would have been like to have gone to prom. She'd had the dress all picked out, a pretty white number, but her father hadn't let her go, seeing as the dead had started walking just a few weeks before her special day. It was probably a wise decision, but she'd never known what it would be like to go to a formal dance, and the dress she'd been so excited about had almost certainly burned down with the house.
Beth scoped out the closet, finding a few things that looked Rick's size. There was also a sewing kit tucked on a shelf that she nearly overlooked.
Rick's wounds need to be sewed, Beth realized. She was suddenly flooded with nerves - he couldn't do it on himself, and she had never done something like this before. She knew how to in theory, but… She imagined sliding a needle through Rick's flesh, and shuddered in horror.
We've all got jobs to do, Beth thought determinedly, and put the kit in the backpack. Then she headed downstairs, feeling confident that she'd cleared the place of anything useful.
She was reaching out to open the backdoor when she heard a scratching sound and nearly jumped out of her skin. It was coming from outside. In such a small space, the bat was unwieldy, so she shifted it to her left hand and pulled out her knife.
Beth twisted the handle and stepped back, ready to stab - then froze as she saw the intruder.
It was a little girl, maybe six or seven, and definitely very undead. Beth clutched her knife, instinctively backing up as the child walker advanced on her. She'd never had to do this before. She swallowed, taking in the girl's appearance.
It was just a body, reanimated by this horrible virus, she tried to remind herself. It wasn't really a child. But it had been once, and she couldn't forget that.
The walker followed her, and Beth led it in a circle around the couch. She wasn't ready for this, she knew suddenly. Beth bolted for the back door, outpacing the child walker.
Her last vision of it before she closed the door was the girl tripping over the chair in the kitchen. Beth dashed away from the house, back to her family and away from the little girl walker.
Back at the house, Beth took a deep breath before letting herself in. She flicked the lock on the door behind her, then hurried up the stairs. The door to Rick's room was shut, but she could hear Judy making little noises from the crib.
Beth pushed open the door, noticing immediately that Rick was standing by the window -
"Oh!" She cried, whirling around in embarassment.
After a moment, Rick chuckled softly and turned back to her, pushing the window closed again. Her eyes flicked to him and away again. Despite the fact she'd seen him just like this earlier - heavens, she'd eaten breakfast in bed with a nearly-naked Rick Grimes, and gotten through it - Beth thought he seemed far more naked when he wasn't tucked under the covers.
"I'm sorry if I embarassed you," Rick told her honestly. "I couldn't really walk far enough to the bathroom."
"I should've knocked," Beth said awkwardly.
"It's okay," Rick assured her. He started to limp back towards the bed, and Beth gasped as he stumbled. She hurried to his side, slinging an arm around his waist to help support him.
"You shouldn't be up," Beth chided him, but he shook his head.
"If I hadn't made it to the window, I'd be far more embarassed."
Beth giggled a little at that. He smiled ruefully as she helped him back into bed.
"How did it go? Any trouble?"
"Nothing I couldn't handle," Beth said smoothly. "I found this." She proudly drew her new revolver.
"May I?" Rick's eyes lit up a little at the sight.
"Sure." Beth handed it over.
"Smith and Wesson," Rick said approvingly. "It's the right size for you. This takes .22 caliber rounds. Did you count how many rounds you've got in here?"
"Seven, it's fully loaded." At his approving look, Beth smiled, quite glad she'd bothered to count.
"Always remember how many rounds you've got left," Rick said ruefully. "Something I've forgotten to do far too many times."
Beth nodded, soaking up the information.
"How are you feeling? Oh - I found this."
She fished in the backpack until she found the aspirin.
"Thanks," Rick said gratefully. He spilled some pills into his hand and swallowed them with some water. "What else did you find?"
"Well… this."
Rick swallowed as she took out the sewing kit.
"That wound will heal better if I sew it up," Beth said bravely.
"I'm sure you're right. Have you ever done this before?"
"I've seen my father do it," Beth replied, looking a little nervous.
"I don't know that I can do it myself," Rick admitted. "I'm willing to try, if you are."
"I'll be really careful," Beth swore.
"I know you will, but it's going to hurt no matter what," Rick reminded her.
As Beth smiled worriedly, Rick leaned forward and grabbed her hand.
"I trust you," he said simply.
Beth nodded quickly. The room was silent, except for Judith's little gurgles, as Beth began to get everything together.
She unwrapped the wound, and stared carefully at it. The pressure had stopped the bleeding, but the wound was still gaping.
Rick watched as she re-sterilized his wound, which looked bad but at last not infected. It hurt, but he kept his mouth shut, his teeth grinding silently with every swipe of the cloth over his injury.
Beth finished sterilizing the needle in a shallow bowl of whiskey, put black thread through the needle.
"I'm sorry," she said apologetically.
"Don't be," Rick said shortly. "Just do it."
He inhaled deeply through his nose as Beth leaned over him. She poked the needle through his skin, and Rick breathed out shakily.
Beth couldn't believe he wasn't making a sound as she stitched him up. She did five neat stitches which pulled the skin back together. At the end, she tied up the thread, and pulled back.
"There," she said gently. "Let me know when I should do the other side."
Rick nodded tersely.
"Better do it all at once."
"You're doing great," Beth told him warmly. Her left hand dropped to his other leg, squeezing it gently. Rick managed a smile, then took another shaky breath as she bent to examine the exit wound.
Rick had been lucky that the bullet hadn't gone through the main part of his thigh. It hadn't hit an artery, and it hadn't torn the main muscle. It was on the inside of his left thigh, maybe five inches above his knee, and the entrance and exit wounds were only a few inches apart.
Beth started sewing again, doing another set of neat stitches, until it was all done. When she'd tied it off, she looked up at him in awe - he hadn't cried out once.
"I think you're the toughest man I've ever met," Beth told him, and Rick smiled back at her.
He felt a little lightheaded from the pain, but he was thankful he hadn't screamed, or cursed her, or passed out. Beth took out a new strip of gauze to wrap around his leg.
"What else did you find?" Rick asked suddenly.
"I found a bat that I thought Mika could use," Beth replied as she finished wrapping the wound. "And I found these…"
Rick froze as she showed him the comic books.
"They're for Carl, when we meet up," Beth said tentatively.
"I keep looking out the window, hoping he's going to come by. Even though I know it's ridiculous, he'd be further away from the prison by now. Already in town, or somewhere else…"
"We'll find him," Beth said strongly, cutting into his dark thoughts.
Their eyes caught, and Rick wondered if she knew just how much he truly relied on her. Beth was a beacon of light in the darkness of his life. She was never without hope or faith, and she made him want to be a better person, to believe like her, trust in others, and
Beth's stomach rumbled, breaking the moment. She looked surprised, and Rick let out a rich, deep laugh.
"You've been doing all the work, maybe you should eat something."
Beth looked over at the baby. She was awake, but was peaceably sucking on her fingers. Beth watched Judith, smiling at how calm and good the baby had been, while she took a piece of chocolate to eat.
"A little more." Rick instructed. She was clearly hungry, and this was all she was going to have?
Beth rolled her eyes at his lecturing, but secretly appreciated it.
"Yes, Mr. Grimes," Beth said primly, and broke off a bigger chunk of chocolate to eat. "You know what I'd love? I want to find fully made meals in cans, like lasagna or mac and cheese."
"Or canned pudding," Rick added.
"Canned chocolate cake!" Beth suggested with a laugh.
"Canned coffee…" He said with a groan.
"Were you one of those guys who drank coffee all the time?" Beth asked knowingly.
"Guilty as charged… I had at least three cups every good day."
"Ooh, an addict!"
"Not anymore," Rick said, feeling almost wistful as he recalled his former caffeine addiction. "How about… canned milkshakes?"
"Strawberry milkshake," Beth added blissfully.
"I loved strawberry milkshakes," Rick groaned, his head falling back in agreement.
Beth's eyes were drawn to the lines of his body as he lay beqside her on the bed. She could see nearly all of him like this, and it was very hard not to look. He was lean, but his strength was clear in every part of him.
Rick had an obvious farmer's tan, his arms and neck tanned from hours spent tending the gardens, out under the hot sun. His upper arms and chest looked white in comparison, but Beth found it oddly attractive, knowing he had earned the tan by working hard for their family. Her hands itched to stroke down his chest again as she had done last night…
"Um, I found you some new clothes," Beth blurted out.
"That's… I appreciate it," Rick said, looking away from her quickly.
He'd nearly forgotten that he was wearing next to nothing. He'd been here with Beth, acting like it was normal, when he'd probably embarassed her. But for he chided himself for not dressing earlier, Rick remembered that Beth had been the one to strip off his shirt while he slept.
Beth handed him a white sleeveless shirt, and a dark blue workshirt to button up over it. Rick pulled the white shirt over his head, wincing as he knocked a little too hard into his bruised side.
"It's a little hot for this now," Rick told her as he eyed the work shirt. "But I'll save it for later."
Rick set the overshirt down on the bedside table, and Beth swallowed nervously. Goodness - dressed like that, he looked even less like a man recuperating from his injuries, and more like a man lounging in bed following a round of… well, that was not what she should be thinking about.
"Thank you," Rick added, sounding as sincere as he always did.
"You're very welcome. I'm glad you like it," Beth told him shyly. "Your old shirt was looking a little… Ragged."
"More like utterly destroyed. I see why you threw it out," Rick said with amusement. "I don't look like I belong in the same room as you, with how pretty you're looking in your new clothes."
Beth blushed - Rick thought she looked pretty?
Seeing it, Rick swallowed harshly. Why did she have to look so damn beautiful when she blushed?
Mika looked up as Beth knocked on the door frame.
"Hi," Mika answered, closing her book and sitting up straight. "Did you fix his leg?"
"I sewed up the wound, but it'll take time for it to properly heal," Beth told her as she came over and sat down next to her.
"Was it scary?" Mika asked, hardly able to imagine doing what Beth had done.
"Yes," Beth said frankly. "But I had to do it. Rick needed me. You'd be surprised by the kind of things you can do when it's necessary."
Mika nodded, but still felt doubtful.
"I found something for you," Beth said, changing the subject. She took out the silver bracelet she'd taken from the house.
"It's beautiful." Mika said in awe as Beth fastened it to her left wrist. "Thank you!"
"And that's not all…" Beth reached into her backpack and pulled out a small white teddy bear in a pair of green faded overalls.
"Ooh," Mika squealed happy. "I'm going to name her… Griselda Gunderson."
Beth laughed, smiling as Mika hugged the teddy bear strongly.
"I want you to have fun," Beth told her gently. "You're ten years old, and you deserve to have time to read books, and play with teddy bears. I wish you could do those things all the time. But we're going to have to leave here in a few days."
"I know," Mika answered, her voice barely audible.
"I'm going to need your help," Beth told her. "And not just with Judith. I'll need you to always keep your eyes open for walkers, and tell me anything you see."
"I can do that," Mika said, smiling shyly.
"Rick and I are going to do our very best to keep you safe," Beth continued. "But you need to be ready to defend yourself. Have you ever done that before?"
"No," Mika admitted. "I always ran. My dad… He protected me."
"I found you a baseball bat. In the morning, I'd like to walk you through some moves."
"Okay."
Beth paused, wondering what else to say. Mika took advantage of the pause to ask her a serious question.
"Do you think Lizzie is alright?"
"I do," Beth told the little girl, though her mind went back to yesterday, when Rick had winced at the mention of Lizzie and Carol. "Your sister is a survivor, like you."
"You really think I am?" Mika asked softly. "Carol was always telling me I had to be stronger."
"You're stronger than they know," Beth reminded her. "And when we get out there, I know you're going to prove it to me."
Mika smiled hopefully.
"I'll try."
"And you'll succeed," Beth assured her. She leaned in to kiss Mika's forehead. "Do you want to keep reading?"
"Yeah," Mika admitted shyly. "I really like it."
"Good," Beth said, smiling back at her as she left the room.
When Beth got back from checking in on Mika, Rick looked up and realized she had a serious expression on her face. When she closed the door behind her, he became certain that something was up.
"Yesterday, when Mika said she missed Lizzie and Carol, you - oh, you just flinched again," Beth said with surprise. She climbed on the end of the bed and came to sit cross-legged on Rick's left side.
Rick was quiet for a moment, unsure how to tell her.
"Did you see them… die?" Beth asked, her voice wavering with anxiety.
"No," Rick assured her. "I didn't see either of them at the prison…"
"Oh good!" Beth breathed out a sigh of relief.
"But Carol wasn't at the prison," Rick admitted.
"What? Why?" Beth frowned.
"It was Carol who killed Karen and David."
Beth sat straight up, staring at Rick in shock.
"What - Carol? That's crazy, she wouldn't do that!"
"She admitted it when I asked," Rick told her. "She was afraid of the sickness spreading."
Beth blinked furiously.
"Carol?" She was trying to process the idea, but it just didn't make any sense. "She's a part of the family. She loves us, especially the kids…"
She trailed off at the look in Rick's eye.
"And she wanted to protect us," Beth whispered in horror. Rick nodded sadly.
"Oh my god. I can't believe she'd do that," Beth repeated. "But - but she did, didn't she?"
Rick watched as Beth clasped her hands together, rocking nervously on the bed.
"If she wasn't at the prison, where was she?"
"I sent her away."
Beth's heart nearly stopped.
"You what?"
"I had to make a decision. I didn't think she could stay, not after that. If she'd come back, Tyreese would have killed her."
"No," Beth said, shaking her head furiously. "Tyreese is so gentle, he's wonderful with Judith. He would have come around. Carol would have been fine. Where is she?"
"I don't know," Rick admitted. "But she has a car, and weapons, and supplies. She - she left me her watch."
Beth stared as Rick picked up the watch from the bedside table. She recognized it of course, and wondered how she hadn't noticed it before.
"But she's family," she whispered again. "It was a horrible mistake, but we could have forgiven her."
Rick just shook his head.
"How can I ask the others to have done that? Ask Tyreese to do that, or David's wife?"
"You could have let them try," Beth said, meeting his eyes. "Rick, you know I trust you with my life, and I think you're a wonderful leader. But I really wish you hadn't just made that decision on your own. You could have waited to ask my daddy and the rest of the council what to do. I thought that was the new system."
"I didn't think I could wait," Rick said soflty. He was struck by the look of worry in her eyes - he'd never seen Beth disappointed in him before.
"Do you understand why I did it?" He waited and waited for an answer, hoping against hope that she could.
"I understand why I thought you had to," Beth said finally. "I'm just… if Carol had been there… Never mind, I can't focus on hypotheticals. I just hope she's alive. I want to find her."
Rick drew in a harsh breath. Despite what she'd done, Carol was their family.
"She was adopting Lizzie and Mika," Beth told him. "She's so good with them. I want Mika to have a mother."
"You could be her mother," Rick said seriously. "You're already Judith's."
Beth stared at him, amazed at the sentiment.
"She loves you like a baby would love her mother," Rick added. "You're doing an amazing job with her."
Beth smiled at him appreciatively.
"I'm really glad you see me that way. Judith means the world to me."
"I can tell," Rick said softly.
"And Mika, Lizzie and Carol mean the world to each other," Beth continued smoothly. "They're a family, like we are, Rick. They may not have been one for as long, but they have a connection. I've seen it. We can't just keep them apart."
"Beth…"
"Ask me the questions, Rick."
He was startled.
"The three questions," Beth insisted.
Rick swallowed hard, unsure what she was about to reveal. When he finally spoke, his voice was low and hoarse.
"How many walkers have you killed?"
"Over a hundred at least," Beth said calmly. "Maybe closer to two hundred. Though that's counting the ones I've stabbed through the fences."
Rick nodded. He could believe that. He wasn't sure of his own count at this point - maybe four, five hundred at least?
"How many people have you killed?"
"Four," Beth said clearly, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Why?"
"The first was to stop the Governor's group from invading our home," Beth told him, looking straight at Rick as tears began to fall down her cheeks. "The second person I killed because he was going to shoot my father. The third was shooting at the camp, and I shot her to protect the people I love. And the fourth… I killed him out of mercy, after I'd shot him twice, in the chest and the stomach, for the same reasons as the third."
Rick swallowed harshly.
"Would you let me in?" Beth asked him simply.
"In a heartbeat," he said hoarsely. "I know you, Beth. You are good, there's no doubt in my mind. I would never turn you away."
She came closer to him in order to lay her hand on top of his.
"Carol would give the same answer - she killed to protect her girls, and all of us. In my heart I know that Carol is a good woman. So when we find her, I think we should forgive her and welcome her back. She shouldn't take unilateral actions like that without talking with the group, but she's still part of our family."
Rick stared at her, feeling lost. Beth never spoke up against others if it wasn't important. Beth believed, with all her heart, in Carol. He'd been suddenly unsure about the woman, despite how long he'd known her. Carol's recent actions had been completely repugnant to him, and he'd reacted accordingly. But Beth was one of the greatest judges of character that he knew, much like her father. She made him want to believe as well.
"Thank you," Rick said softly. "You're right. That's what we'll do."
Beth beamed at him, and he was struck by the brightness of her smile. Then she was throwing her arms about him, coming closer as she hugged him.
"I'm so glad you agree," Beth murmured into his chest. He held her close and breathed in deep.
"We'll head out tomorrow, and get to Franklin," Rick said.
Beth stiffened. She pulled back, out of his arms.
"Rick, you need more than one day to recover," Beth told him, her voice astonished. "If you think I'm letting you move until you're fully rested, you've got another thing coming."
"Beth, we need to get out and find them."
She fixed him with a serious look.
"Rick, if we leave tomorrow, you'll be walker food."
"Not with you to protect me," Rick countered.
"You need more time to heal," Beth insisted. "Wait a few more days, please. I can't - Judy can't lose you."
Rick noted the quick change in sentence, far too intrigued by what she'd almost said.
"I'll rest one more day," Rick compromised. "And we'll leave the day after tomorrow."
Beth bit her lip, but she knew it was the best she'd get from him.
"Alright," she agreed. "I should check the last few houses first."
Rick bit back a protest, knowing that he needed to let her do it, despite his desire to go with her and watch her back.
"Just be careful."
When she rose to leave, he called her name, and she turned back.
"I can't lose you either," Rick said simply.
Beth took a shaky breath and nodded. He was serious, and the look he'd given her was so intent, so real, that she wasn't certain how to take it.
There were two houses left to search. Beth scouted down the street first, checking for any potential dangers.
Beth couldn't get those words out of her head. The way Rick had looked at her, and the way it had sent tingles through her body. She couldn't deny that she'd noticed Rick as more than just Judith's father for a long time.
He'd been the first one to recognize her as an adult, and give her the tools and training to prove herself to the others. She'd watched him suffer through the loss of his wife, then pull himself back together to become the undisputed leader again, despite his insistence on the official leader. She'd always known she could rely on him, and he'd relied on her in turn, trusting her with Judith.
Beth had to admit that she didn't just respect him - she'd started watching him for other reasons in the last few months. He was a handsome and driven man. He was a fierce leader, and he had a good heart. She knew her father loved Rick like a son. For all these reasons and more, her feelings for him had grown, slowly but surely.
However, she had never thought Rick would look at her as anything besides the young woman who babysat his daughter. She had distracted herself with Zach, who had proved to be a good guy, and someone she was glad to have known. But spending time with him hadn't made her think any less of Rick.
Now she wondered if she'd been wrong. Could he ever see her as something more? In the last two days, he'd told her how he admired and trusted her, remarked that she was pretty, admitted that he couldn't bear to lose her… And there were those moments when she felt his eyes on her, watching her as she held Judith or hummed to herself.
Beth glimpsed a walker wandering in the side yard of the next house over, and refocused on the moment. It looked particularly weak, stumbling over to her, and she downed it with an easy stab into its forehead.
She pulled out her knife, now bloody, and walked to the front door. Beth breathed in slowly, putting her mind in the moment, and began to clear the building.
When she'd finished, Beth was somewhat satisfied with her haul. The highlights were a gas lighter and a swiss army knife, a pack of AA batteries, a box of wet wipes, and two flashlights. She hadn't found any more food, but she hadn't really expected to - Maggie and Glenn had cleared out most of the houses in the Franklin area.
On the way back to the house, Beth found another walker, a middle-aged man, which she put down quickly. She said a quick prayer for the man it had once been, then headed back to the house.
Rick heard the sound of her soft footsteps coming up the stairs and began to breathe easier. In his arms, Judith turned her head towards the door, already smiling in anticipation.
"You missed Beth, didn't you?" Rick said softly to his daughter. She glanced at him with a mischevious little smile - she certainly had.
"Hey." Beth paused in the doorway for a moment before coming in.
"Glad you're back," Rick smiled at her. "Find anything good?"
"It's not much," Beth admitted, showing him what she'd grabbed.
"That's a good knife," Rick pointed out.
"It's for you," Beth said eagerly, pushing it into his hand.
"Thanks," he said softly.
Judith's sudden whimpers broke the silence. Beth reached for her instinctively, and Rick handed her over.
"Does someone need a change?" Beth asked Judith, who just looked up at her with hopeful eyes.
"Thank you," Rick said appreciatively.
"It's no problem." Beth brought Judith to the end of the bed, laying her down on a blanket.
Like most babies, Judith hated getting changed. The only thing that kept her smiling throughout was singing.
"Summer in winter - winter in springtime. You heard the birds sing, everything will be fine," Beth sang softly.
Judith began to smile as Beth worked. Beth smiled back, and continued to sing.
"I spent the summer wasting, the time was passed so easily… But if the summer's wasted, how come that I could feel so free?"
Rick watched them contentedly. He always loved to hear Beth sing. It wasn't just the quality of her voice, which was light and pure. It was the feeling she put into every song she chose, whether it was love, passion, or grief.
He remembered the first time he'd heard her singing, on their first night at the prison. He'd been walking the yard, staying away from Lori, trying to decide what to do about taking the prison. And then he'd heard her sweet voice - oh all the money that e'er I spent, I spent it in good company… It was her singing that had drawn him back to the group then. Beth Greene had shown that day just why she was the heart of the group. She kept them together, kept him going every day with her songs and her smiles.
When he'd arrived at the campfire, Rick almost thought about letting everyone rest a day before pushing in. But then he looked around, and he knew that they needed a safer place. They all deserved it, Carol, who was so worn out and grieving though she tried to hide it, Carl and Lori and the baby, who he wanted to keep indoors and protect forever - and Beth Greene, who was clearly too sweet for this world.
Of course, he hadn't known fully understood Beth at the time. She reminded him of the world as it once was, always full of cheer and optimism, seemingly untouched. In the fourteen months he'd known her, Rick had slowly seen more and more of the fierce woman waiting to be discovered. Beth didn't speak up in meetings unless it mattered, and when she did, she drew everyone's attention. She was wise beyond her years, and she was fierce in defending not only her values, but the people she loved, including Judith.
Rick's thoughts returned to the present as Beth lifted Judith up to the bed as she sang. Despite everything that had happened to them - the loss of their home, the unknown fate of their family - in this moment, he was at peace.
"Seven weeks of river walkways," Beth crooned. "Seven weeks of staying up all night…"
Rick looked up and saw Mika standing in the doorway, smiling as she watched Beth.
"I spent the summer wasting, the time was passed so pleasantly." Beth knew it was the end of summer now, and their lives were going to be vastly different than they had been, but she couldn't help but remember their last few months at the prison… Everything had started fitting together, and feeling like home.
"Say cheerio to books now, the only things I'll read are faces… I spent the summer wasting, under a canopy of… Seven weeks of reading papers, seven weeks of river walkways. Seven weeks of feeling guilty, seven weeks of staying up all night!"
Even without music backing her, Rick found Beth's singing positively stunning. He had no doubt that in the old world, she would have found success as a singer.
"Summer in winter, winter is springtime. You heard the bird say - everything will be fine." Beth's voice softened as she finished.
Judith stared up at her, enraptured. Beth beamed down at the baby, gathering her up to kiss her little forehead with fondness. Rick watched them, feeling more relaxed than he had all day.
Mika helped Beth put together an early dinner, seeing as they'd all skipped lunch. They each had a tin of tuna, and split a can of tomatoes. When they'd finished that, all four of them shared a can of peaches, Judith getting hers carefully mashed up with a fork.
"We're going to spend one more day here, then we're leaving the day after," Rick told Mika of the decision. Beth was right, taking another day to heal and rest was wise.
Mika just nodded in acceptance.
"I'm going to walk her through some fighting moves in the morning," Beth told Rick softly.
"That sounds good," he affirmed.
"Do you want to get ready for bed?" Beth asked, turning back to Mika. "You'll have some time to read before it gets dark."
"Okay," Mika agreed. She handed Judith over to Beth, then waved goodbye before running off to the bathroom to brush her teeth.
"Okay." Mika handed Judith over to Beth, then went to the bathroom to brush her teeth.
"She's so easy," Beth commented, smiling after Mika.
"She's also a good storyteller," Rick added. "She was reading to me while you were out."
"I loved Betsy-Tacy when I was a girl," Beth informed him.
"It's sweet," Rick shrugged, but he was smiling gently. "Maybe not what I'd pick up on my own…"
They both laughed.
"Do you want any more aspirin before bed?" Beth asked.
"Yes, please."
She found the bottle and measured out four pills, the recommended dose. Rick groaned.
"You're not supposed to…" She saw his sad eyes fixed on her, and just about melted inside. "Oh - okay. You can have six. But that's final."
Rick chuckled, taking the pills from her hands. Beth scrambled to her feet.
"Where are you going?" Rick asked with a frown.
"I thought I'd get Judy out of your hair so you could sleep," Beth said softly.
"Stay here." The words slipped out before he'd thought them through.
Even in the dimming light, he could see her eyes widen. Rick cleared his throat and tried again.
"I'd like to know she's near me. And it's safer to stay together. I'd rather Judy have the two of us right here to protect her."
Beth nodded jerkily and closed the door. She carefully pushed the desk chair under the handle, then came hesitantly over to the bed.
"Scoot over," Beth said after she regained her ability to talk in a normal voice. "I should be on the right, so I can't kick your leg. When we shared a bed, Maggie always told me how I woke her up by kicking. I hope I've grown out of it, but you never know."
"Well then, I suppose I'm putting my life in your hands," Rick said solemnly, finally earning him a shy little smile.
His heart began to pick up speed as Beth sat down on the edge of the bed. Why had he asked her to stay? Why couldn't he have kept his damn mouth shut?
Beth took a moment to pull off her boots. After a moment, she also took out her earrings and set them on the table, then took a few sips from her second water bottle of the day. Finally, she lay back, acutely aware that she was sharing a bed with Rick Grimes. They weren't touching, but she could hear his breathing.
"I really love her," Beth said into the silence. "Judy, I mean."
"I can tell. You two always look - thick as thieves." Rick said gruffly, just barely changing his sentence at the end. Always look so beautiful together, he'd nearly said.
"I miss everyone, especially Daddy and Maggie," Beth continued, feeling a little shy. "But Rick, I'm really thankful that I got out with you and Judy."
"With an invalid?" Rick chuckled. "Beth, I'm the lucky one. I don't know how I'd have taken care of Judy with my leg like this. We'd both be going hungry tonight, and I sure wouldn't have bandaged myself up as well as you did."
Beth beamed at the praise.
"Judith… she's really something to live for, isn't she?"
"She is," came his soft agreement.
"I'm glad I didn't lose her," Beth whispered. "Or you. I - I thought you might die, last night. And this morning, you were groaning like a walker, and I was so sure you were gone."
The horror and fear in her voice was obvious. Despite the fact he knew it was a bad idea, he extended his right arm, finding her hand and taking it in his.
"Can't get rid of me that easily," Rick assured her.
Beth gripped his hand tightly.
"Do you still miss Lori?"
Rick froze, unsure where it was coming from.
"Things with Lori were difficult," Rick told her after a moment's pause. "Our relationship had fallen apart before she died - before the turn, even. We tried to make it work, but we just didn't fit together like we used to. We argued all the time. I still loved her - I don't think you can ever stop loving the mother of your child, but it wasn't the same as it had been when we were first married. I hated that we'd lost her, that Carl didn't have his mother, and neither did Judith. And I blamed myself for abandoning her, for not managing to protect her, for my children losing their mother. That was the hardest part of it all. That feeling was the final straw for me - I'd felt so trapped, and so responsible for everything that was going wrong, that part of me wanted to hide from the world. "
Beth listened carefully, trying to understand the mystery that was Rick Grimes.
"It takes time to stop missing someone," Rick continued, turning his head to look at her. "But one day, you stop thinking about the terrible way you lose people, and you'll be able to think just about the good times, all the memories you're going to treasure for years."
Beth blinked desperately, trying not to cry. She wasn't sure that she would ever see her family again, and it hurt every time she thought about them.
"You still wear the ring."
"I do it to remind me," Rick answered honestly. "Of my failure. And that I can't do it again."
"You didn't fail Lori," Beth said, sounding almost angry. "Her death wasn't your fault, Rick! You save us all the time, but nobody is responsible for saving everyone."
She began to shake, and Rick realized that she was trying to keep from breaking down.
"There's nothing wrong with crying," he told her softly.
Beth turned her head away in embarassment.
"I don't cry anymore," she said intently. She hadn't, not in months, not when Zach died, or when everyone got sick… She couldn't let it happen now, not when Rick and Judith needed her to be strong.
Carefully, Rick turned to his side, his injured leg resting atop the other.
"I do," he told her quietly.
Beth looked at him, really looked at him. His face was lit up by the moonlight coming through the window, and she could see the tears in her eyes.
"It doesn't make you weak," Rick promised her. He reached over and touched her waist lightly.
It was all she needed - she curled forward, burying her face in his shirt as her arm wrapped tightly about his chest. Rick let out a sharp breath as Beth began to cry into his shirt. His right arm was under her neck, and he crooked it so he could stroke her hair while he wrapped his other arm about her waist.
Beth sobbed her heart out as Rick held her tight in his arms. She couldn't stop thinking about the loss of their home, about Maggie and her father, who she might never see again, about the four people she'd killed, and the way the man she'd shot had looked at her and begged for death…Rick was whispering comforting nothings to her, but she barely heard it, so caught up was she in her grief, in burrowing into this man who offered her understanding and support.
As Beth cried herself to sleep in his arms, Rick closed his eyes and quietly let himself do the same.