I was home by myself. Charlie had to work the night shift at the station so I had no distractions to occupy my mind. I walked up the stairs to my room—the last night it would be mine. It hadn't actually been lived in for some weeks now since I spent all my time with Edward and his family. It still held most of my belongings, but there were few signs of life. I picked up the only item out of place, a lonely sock near my bed, and brought it to my dresser.
The framed photos decorating the top of the dresser caught my eye. The first one was of Charlie and I, not too long after I had moved here. We were clearly still learning to live with each other; the photographed Bella and Charlie stood awkwardly, with smiles too enthused to be real.
"I wonder how he's been doing without me," I thought, heavy with guilt. I hadn't been around lately to cook or clean or take care of him. Charlie never said that he needed those things from me, but before I moved in he had shown the clear signs bachelorhood: wrinkled collared shirts and empty pizza boxes. He had probably reverted back to his pre-Bella days…and that didn't sit well with me.
The other framed photos were mostly ridiculous candid shots of my school friends. Mike, Jessica, Angela, Eric and so on…all goofing around with big smiles (besides Jessica, though there was no surprise there). I had missed several of Angela and Mike's calls a few weeks ago. It only then occurred to me that I had never gotten back to either of them nor had they tried getting a hold of me since. "They must have given up on me," I realized, with yet another wave of guilt. How had I been so vacant from my own life without being aware of it?
Edward. Edward and the Cullens affected me in that way. Their perception of time and priority were different from humans. It was understandable considering they would live forever and not age a single day. When Edward was with me, I was completely wrapped into our own world together. The only thing that mattered was him and that we were together. It enveloped me, heart and soul. To my complete embarrassment, it was no one's fault but my own. He wasn't to blame for me not just making him the center of my universe, but the only thing that existed in it.
"Is this who I've become?" These thoughts had vaguely found me before; when Edward left to go hunt with him family and I attempted to fall asleep alone. Most of my life had turned out so far from however I thought it would be (i.e. monsters from the movies are real) that I didn't see my own self becoming this. I was unrecognizable.
But I had an excuse-maybe being vacant now would hurt everyone less later on. I was going to become a vampire soon after the wedding. As a newborn, I'd never be able to see anyone I had ever loved from my old life again. I would kill them; uncontrollably rip them to shreds to satisfy by blood lust. For their safety, I had to give them all up. Everyone; Charlie…Renee…my school friends…and of course—oh god, of course—Jacob.
Tears were freely flowing down my face while I held the last photo in my hands: a framed Polaroid of Jake and I at the beach in La Push. He held the camera towards us, one arm playfully around my shoulders, while I attempted to shield my face, though it was easy to see the smile I wore through my fingers. The photo was from another lifetime. In a few short weeks, those two best friends would be natural enemies. If I ever saw Jake again after that, he would likely kill me. That thought caused me to shiver from a coldness I felt deep in my bones.
"Bella," came a voice from the window. Startled, the frame slipped from my hands and landed with the sound of glass cracking on the floor. I knew that voice.