"You gunna go?"
"What?"
"The reunion. Are you gunna go?"
Beca pressed pause on the track on which she was currently working and lowered her headphones from around her ears.
"What are you talking about?"
"The Bella's one year reunion", Jesse said with a roll of his eyes, dropping his messenger bag to the ground and throwing himself heavily onto their tiny two seater couch crammed in their tiny living room in their tiny one bedroom apartment.
Fuck. The reunion. How the hell had he even found out about that? Beca had only just saw the e-vite on her facebook like two days ago.
"How do you…" Beca said in bewilderment. "How?"
Jesse shrugged. "Benji"
"Ah. I take it he's still relentlessly stalking poor Emily?"
"You call it stalking. I call it endearingly persistent"
"It's stalking, dude."
"Meh. Tomato tomahto"
"Poor kid needs to let it go"
"You just hate love"
Beca shrugged and turned her attention back to her work.
"Well?"
Beca rolled her eyes. "Well what, Jesse?"
"Are you going to go?"
Beca frowned and growled a little under her breath. She had completely lost her train of thought and was definitely more than a little irritated at the interruption. Jesse knew the answer. He knew she had zero plans on going. Even the fact that he was bringing it up was incredibly irritating. Beca hated thinking about the Bellas. She barely talked to any of them. The extent of her interaction with any of them over the past year had been the occasional frantic text from Emily needing help with an arrangement for the New Bellas, the two times she had called CR to ask if she could do background vocals on a track she was working on, and the occasional text from Fat Amy asking for money.
"What do you think?" Beca intoned, sarcasm heavily lacing her tone.
"You actually asking, or are you doing a Beca thing?"
"Jesse-"
"Cuz if you really want to know, I think you're being ridiculous."
Beca rolled her eyes and lifted her headphones back up around her ears. Jesse however, apparently wasn't done, because he practically lunged out of the couch and crossed the room in two large strides to pull them back down.
"I don't understand Beca."
"Dude! They were just a singing group I was in in college. It's not a big deal"
"Oh shut up Beca. You know you were super close with all of them."
Beca felt her stomach lurch a little and fought the sensation down. She hadn't really been super close to all of them. The only one that really earned that spot was-
"Don't you at least want to see Chloe?"
Beca heaved a sigh and rubbed her eyes with her palms.
"Dude. I don't really need to see any of them."
"But she was your best friend!"
"You're my best friend"
"Well that was adorable and sappy. But… you and Chloe were like" -Jesse waved his hands in the air, before clasping his hands together, twisting his fingers up into a knot- "inseparable. We practically had joint custody of you all throughout college, and I'm pretty sure you enjoyed hanging out with her more."
"Yeah. Well. She didn't try and make we watch movies every time we hung out, so…"
Jesse recoiled, doing a well practiced imitation of extreme indignation. "Well excuse me. At least with me, there was a good chance you were going to get lucky at the end of the night"
Beca's stomach shot up into her throat and she coughed a little around the sensation, struggling to regain her composure.
This. This is why she didn't want to talk or think about the Bellas. Because thinking about the Bella's came with a whole lotta baggage that she really didn't want to unpack.
"Don't be stupid."
"You don't be stupid."
"If I tell you I'll think about it, will you let it go?"
"Only if it means you'll pull your head out of your ass and actually think about it."
"Fine. I'll think about it."
"Great. Now what do you want for dinner? I'm starving."
Ten months. That's how long it had been since she had last seen Chloe. Ten since she packed up the last of her shit and formally initiated Emily into the the Bellas with a pledge she had literally made up on the spot. Eleven since the night in Copenhagen.
Eleven months since she had woken up practically naked, with an equally practically naked Chloe twisted in her arms, the taste of cherry chapstick still lingering on her lips, their limbs so intertwined, she didn't know where she ended and Chloe began. Eleven months since she found herself pathologically incapable of listening to anything that even reminded her of Katy Perry. Eleven months since her first (and last) real fight with the one person she had been certain would be in her life until the day one of them kicked the bucket.
"Why are you freaking out, Beca. Nothing happened!"
"I don't know what you remember, Chlo. But I remember enough to know that shit happened!"
Beca didn't understand. Almost a year later, and she still couldn't really wrap her head around that whole shit show. She'd thought about it a lot and the general gist that she had come up with was:
She had been spectacularly drunk
Chloe had been spectacularly drunk
She wasn't entirely sure how that whole thing worked, but she was mostly positive they didn't actually have sex. She thinks? (At what point is it actually sex when half of the parts required for anything she could compare it to were missing?)
What she did remember had been mind blowing
Chloe was absolutely determined to pretend like it wasn't a big deal, it was totally normal, and there was no reason to freak out.
The worst thing she realized was:
f. Whether or not Chloe thought it was a big deal didn't matter, because at the end of the day, Beca had cheated.
Chloe had tried to reason with Beca until she was blue in the face, seeming genuinely irritated that Beca was choosing to view it that way.
"It's not cheating, Beca. We're both girls."
But Beca knew better. Because it didn't matter that they were both girls. It felt like cheating. And if there was one thing she couldn't stand above all else, it was cheating.
Cheating had ruined her life. Cheating had resulted in screaming matches between her parents as far back as she could remember. Cheating made her Dad walk out of the house in the middle of the night -No goodbye. No nothing- to not be heard from again for months. It was something she had vowed to never EVER do. And yet she cheated. With her best friend. Who happened to be a girl.
It had been… devastating. And Chloe refused to get it. Refused to understand how hurt and shattered Beca felt about the whole thing. She couldn't even really think about the other confusing shit, like how amazing the little she did remember had been. It was all twisted up in guilt and remorse and more guilt and a self loathing that was difficult to breathe through.
Beca hadn't even been able to look at her without feeling the tendrils of shame tainting their every interaction. So she stopped answering calls. Then she stopped responding to texts. And after about three months, Chloe finally stopped trying.
It hurt. I Everything about what had happened hurt. It was painful and confusing and just… It sucked.
She never told Jesse. She couldn't. She couldn't tell him and make him feel the way her mom felt when her dad finally came clean. She wouldn't -couldn't- do that to him.
So here they were. She and Jesse were still together. They worked. It was comfortable. He really was her best friend, and while they didn't have the most passionate relationship ever, she loved him. It had taken her a while, but she had mostly gotten over what had happened. This was mostly made possible by her devout resolution to never ever let anything like that happen again or to even really let herself think about it. She may have fucked up once, but she was NOT a cheater. A huge part of that plan was staying away from Chloe. And since Chloe had always been the glue that kept all of the Bellas together, it meant staying away from the Bellas as well.
Which was fine. She was fine.
Everything was pretty much going to plan. The demo she had made with Emily had landed her a job as assistant producer with Residual Heat, and she was determined to work her way up through the ranks and eventually land the coveted position of Producer that had been her goal since middle school. She was good at her job. Fuck it. She was great at her job. She was happy. She didn't need anything more. She had Jesse and her work, and that was enough for her.
So even though she actually did as Jesse requested and truly thought about going to the stupid reunion, she ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. She didn't want to rock the boat. She didn't want to mess anything up. She had a goal. She was on a path. And she really didn't want to fuck it up.
Unfortunately, Jesse had other plans.
"What are you doing? Get dressed." Jesse exclaimed, looking at Beca as though she had grown a second head from where she was already bundled in bed, the comforter pulled almost up to her chin in the highly airconditioned room. She didn't care how much it tended to hike their PG&E bill. She liked the cold.
"What are you talking about?"
"Date night."
Beca groaned. "Didn't we just have a date night like, two weeks ago?"
"You know… Most couples try and make it more than a monthly deal."
"But… Why?"
"Because I said so."
She didn't want to go. She was comfortable and warm and the thought of putting on pants was probably the worst idea he had ever had.
"Up!" He said, unceremoniously ripping the blankets off the bed and dumping them into the corner. "Now!"
"I will murder you…" Beca growled, the heat of her glare only moderately offset by the fact that she was now exposed in all her tank top and boyshorts glory.
Jesse glared right back, his hands braced on his hips in a determined power stance.
"Beca…"
"Jesse…"
Jesse was persistent. Jesse, was annoying. Jesse had won.
"Where are you taking me anyways?" Beca grumbled.
"It's a surprise"
"I hate surprises"
"Well you'll thank me for this one"
"I highly doubt that"
Beca was genuinely confused when Jesse pulled into the parking lot of a seedy bar, the only identifying marker being the flickering neon sign in the window claiming it was "O en".
"What is this?"
"Just get out of the car."
Like an idiot, Beca got out of the car. Shoving her hands deep in her pockets, Beca followed her sweet and loving boyfriend through the parking lot. She just managed to spot the paper taped on the wall that read "Welcome back Pitches" in truly impressive scrapbook design as he opened the door when dread flooded her body with a force that actually made her dizzy and she immediately locked her legs. Jesse rolled his eyes and unceremoniously shoved her across the threshold.
As soon as they were inside, she turned to Jesse in a panic.
"Jesse. No! I told you I didn't w-"
"BECA!"
"DJB"
"SHORT STACK"
A chorus of greetings erupted around her and before Beca could really catch up with what was happening, she was mobbed by a flood of estrogen and perfume, physically dragged away from the safe space her boyfriend was supposed to provide.
A quick mental roll call revealed Ashley, Jessica, Stacie, Fat Amy, Emily and CR. How the fuck Emily had gotten in was a mystery, because Beca was pretty sure she was still 12.
She looked over her shoulder at Jesse as she was pulled along, pleading with her eyes for a rescue, but he just laughed, wiggled his fingers in farewell and started backing away towards the door.
"Call me when you need me to come pick you up!"
Oooh. She was going to kill him.
Ok. Chloe wasn't there. That was the only thing that honestly kept Beca from having a full on panic attack. She did her best to mask that she was seriously struggling with the turn of events in what she had thought was just going to be another peaceful (if not boring) evening at the movies with her boyfriend (dead. He was so dead!), and luckily most of the girls just seemed to assume that she was being regular old Moody-Beca from College Past.
Chloe may have not been there, but the dynamic was too familiar. The hole that the lack of her presence made was impossible to ignore. Every joke, every comment, every conversation that was happening around her reminded her of Chloe.
Her brain couldn't help but fill in the gaps.
Stacie would say something, and Beca's brain would immediately go 'and this is where Chloe would say…' Emily supplied the group with a status report on how life with the New Bellas was going, and Beca would immediately think 'so Chloe would probably…'
Equally nerve wrecking was the way she would practically jump out of her skin every time the bell at the front door would jingle as another patron would amble their way in, convinced that she would turn to find a tidal wave of red hair and blue eyes.
It was exhausting, and honestly, after about 20 minutes, she knew something had to give.
"I'm gunna call it 'Fat Amy Wineho-'"
"I need a drink"
Beca didn't wait for any of the girls to respond; just pushed herself heavily to her feet and made her way to the bar.
She ordered a shot of whiskey and a beer and leaned heavily against the sticky surface while she waited, lowering her head and threading her fingers through her hair.
This was weird. She felt weird. She felt bad. It wasn't any of these girls fault that her insides were twisting, but she couldn't pull herself out of it and just relax and enjoy herself like everyone else was.
Fucking Jesse.
"You ok?"
The soft sound at her elbow made Beca jump nearly a foot in the air, whirling around so fast she painfully crinked her neck.
"Jesus Christ! Emily. You scared the shit out of me!"
"Sorry", Emily said sheepishly. "I just wanted to see if you were ok. You look a little… uncomfortable"
"What? No! I'm… How are you even in here?"
Emily laughed nervously, widening her eyes and tipping her head over to where the bartender was approaching to drop off Beca's drinks.
Beca opened then shut her mouth with a snap.
"Right. Later?"
Emily nodded her head, doing a remarkably spot on impression of a bobblehead. "Later is good."
Beca nodded and grabbed her shot, tipping it back and hastily following with a heavy pull from her beer, wincing a little at the burn.
"So are you? OK?"
Beca let out a nervous laugh, exaggeratedly shaking her head.
(she really was a terrible liar)
"Why would you think I'm not-"
"CHLOE!"
"RED!"
"AUBREY!"
Beca's heart dropped into her stomach and she cut herself off with a swift intake of breath.
"I gotta pee"
She didn't wait for Emily to reply or let herself register the startled look on the younger girls face. She just ran. She was a coward. She was pathetic. She was… Ok she really did have to pee.
She managed to dart around the corner into the narrow hallway without incident, the single unisex bathroom blissfully vacant. Beca pushed inside and locked the door behind her, falling heavily against the wooden surface with a groan.
Fuckfuckshitfuck.
This was bad. Or she was over-reacting. Or this was bad and she was over-reacting. She couldn't really tell. All she knew is her heart was racing and her palms were sweaty and ok. Yeah. She was probably over-reacting.
"Get your shit together, Mitchell" Beca grumbled to herself, finally pushing away from the door.
She emptied her bladder then went over to stand at the sink, leaning heavily against the counter with locked elbows while she glared at herself through the dirty and heavily graffitied surface of the mirror. The eyes looking back at her were hollow and haunted.
This was pathetic. She was pathetic. Nothing was going to happen. She honestly didn't know why she felt so scared, but she was fucking terrified. It didn't make any sense. It wasn't like Chloe would try and bring anything up in front of everyone. It's not like they had to talk about it at all. Beca was a grown ass woman. She was strong and independent. She really was taking way too long and probably needed to get the fuck back out there if she didn't want everyone hounding her and asking what was wrong. She could do this. All she had to do was act like she didn't feel like her world had suddenly been tipped upside down, and smile and nod and just… she could do this. Just play nice and stay away from Chloe, then pull the adulting card of "it's late and I have work and I'm tired" and pray that Jesse would actually cooperate for a change and pick her up.
She could do this.
Her mind made up, Beca hastily washed her hands, her phone buzzing at her hip just as she was dropping a handful of paper towels into the trash.
Beca pulled her phone out and glanced down before taking a deep breath and pushed the door open.
Jesse (9:54 p.m.)
How's it going?
Beca frowned angrily at the offending gadget, trying to think of something imaginative and scathing enough to get the point across just how pissed she was at him, when she suddenly collided with something solid and soft in the cramped space of the tiny hallway, the collision spinning her sideways.
And then she was stuck, wedged between a wall and a body that smelled like flowers and sweet and fucking sunshine and rainbows and something she had spent four years trying to decide between pomegranate or raspberries.
"Beca" Chloe exclaimed, a little breathless. And fucking hell if that didn't make butterflies erupt in her stomach.
"Hey", Beca squeaked. She took a jerky step to the right and Chloe mirrored her movements. Beca tried to step the other way, and Chloe again just followed resulting in them both stumbling over each other's feet. Chloe reflexively reached out, her hands landing on Beca's hips, and Beca's hand landed on Chloe's arm, her other hand where she was still tightly gripping her phone sort of wedged between their bodies, her knuckles pressing tightly against Chloe's breasts from how they both kind of fell into the wall, pushing them so impossibly close, Beca couldn't breath.
(Fuck butterflies. Bats. There were fucking Bats rattling around her ribcage.)
Beca sucked in a deep breath, trying to ease her racing heart from where it seemed intent on beating it's way out of her chest. Of course this would happen. The universe was a fucking asshole and shared whatever sick and demented sense of humor Jesse seemed to suffer from.
Chloe laughed, her eyes darting up in apology as she untangled herself, raising her hands in surrender and slowly easing her body to the side, effectively releasing them from the worst first encounter Beca could have possibly imagined.
Honestly. The worst. Chloe crashing her shower had been less uncomfortable.
"Sorry about th-"
"I didn't mean t-"
Both girls fell silent, waiting for the other to continue.
(The worst)
Chloe rolled her eyes and reached forward, pulling Beca into a hug. Beca felt her body stiffen as the essence of Chloe seemed to swallow her whole, flooding her senses and fogging her brain.
"Hi" Chloe said, her face tucked tightly into Beca's neck allowing her to feel the smile Chloe was pressing into her skin.
The bats all did a synchronized dive into her gut and Beca sucked in a breath against a truly remarkable head rush.
"Hey", Beca repeated lamely into her shoulder. Beca locked her knees, doing everything she could to stay strong and resolute in her desire to not give this woman so much as an inch into letting her back into her life. Chloe didn't comment on Beca's stiff back and rigid posture, pulling back with a smile, maintaining contact in a gentle grip around her forearms as though she were worried Beca may try and run away.
"You look good." Chloe said. "Shorter. But good"
Beca rolled her eyes, raising her hand to tuck her hair behind her ear before noticing just how much it had started to shake, deciding at the last moment to tuck it into a fist and shove it into her pocket along with her phone that was still gripped in the sweaty fingers of her other hand. Chloe looked… Chloe looked great. Like always. Her hair was a little longer than it had been before, and her skin was a little bit lighter, finally looking a little more like she lived somewhere other than Malibu or Miami. Her eyes were the same though. Still bright and so blue that they seemed to suck all of the color out of the air around her.
Beca cleared her throat and ripped her gaze away, eyeing her shoes as though something truly fascinating had spawned on her heel.
"Whatever dude. You have maybe an inch on me at best."
"2 and a half."
"Ok rainman."
Chloe laughed, and pulled her in again for another hug.
Beca's heart seized in her chest. This hug was much longer and much… sweeter, than the last, and Beca felt an old but vaguely familiar tension lance up her spine and lodge itself into the base of her skull. Beca's hands slipped out of her pockets and fisted in Chloe's shirt at her shoulders, 100% intent on pushing her away so she could escape, when she felt Chloe take a deep breath and melt into the embrace. "I missed you."
For a second, the bats in her gut all just calmed down for a blessed second, and Beca was able to breath around the tight knot in her chest. Chloe's arms tightened imperceptibly around her body, and Beca relaxed into the touch on reflex. It was so familiar, this tight spot tucked into Chloe's chest. It felt more real and more familiar and more home than anything Beca had felt since she left college. She tried to fight it. She tried to push the feeling down and away, but… for the first time in almost a year, she let herself feel just how much she had missed this. How much she missed Chloe.
Beca realized with mortification that she felt a prickling pressure behind her eyes and took a shuddering breath. Holy hell she was fucked.
Chloe pulled away, and then they sort of just looked at each other, Chloe's eyes flitting across Beca's face with an intensity that was almost immediately overwhelming.
Beca needed to walk away. She needed to walk away right now. Beca wrenched her eyes away, taking a step towards the main bar and awkwardly gestured with her arm.
"I think we should probably-"
"Wait!", Chloe reached out and gently grabbed Beca's coat at her elbow.
"Before we go out there, I-"
"Hey Tegan and Sara! Get your skinny asses over here!"
They both jumped at the words, looking over to see an impatient Fat Amy waving them over.
Beca cleared her throat and turned to look back to where Chloe still stood, Beca's jacket still loosely gripped in her fist. She had no idea what it was that Chloe wanted to talk about, but she really didn't care. The hallway was too small, and Beca's small body felt like it was actually about to snap in half from the tension.
"We should-"
"Yeah." Chloe said with a slight shake of her head as though pulling herself from a trance. "Ok. Yeah. Later," and released Beca's arm, immediately tucking her hands in her jacket pocket and nodding to the main room. "Ready to face the music?"
Chloe had not actually been using a figure of speech. She literally had been asking if Beca was ready to face the music. Because as soon as they both made it back to the table, a mic was shoved into her hand, a heavy book thrust under her nose and it became immediately evident that the bar had most definitely not been chosen for its chic decor.
Honestly, she didn't know why she had expected anything less. Of course they were at a Karaoke bar. She managed to weasel out of going first, sneaking back to the bar for another shot and to reclaim her beer where she had left it with Emily. If she happened to do this by pushing Chloe under the bus and maybe sort of implying that she had agreed to go first, Beca honestly felt no shame. She needed to breathe.
Chloe, of course, was a good sport about it, and rolled her eyes at Beca's antics before waving Aubrey over, launching into a bubbly and kind of dorky duet that was probably from some musical currently performing on broadway. Beca tried not to notice how incredible Chloe still sounded. Then it was a case of musical microphone, the girls all happily hopping up on the small stage. Most were all huddled around the small table with the music list, but Beca stayed at her spot at the bar, ordering drinks probably far too frequently to be smart. Most of the girls all drifted over and made an appearance, but Beca knew that she was being an exceptionally terrible conversationalist, and thankfully no one stuck around for too long.
Beca had taken a second shot, was about halfway done with her third beer and had already ordered another of both when she felt more than heard Chloe walk up behind her, slipping past to lean against the bar with her hip. Beca would have greeted her, but she was almost entirely focused on trying to remember what normal breathing was, and she didn't really know what to say anyways. The room seemed to immediately shrink about five sizes, so Beca discreetly took a step to the side. They were still standing far closer than she was comfortable with, but at least their arms weren't touching anymore.
"It's hard to believe it's been a year since we've all been together like this."
"Hmm."
When Beca didn't offer anything further, Chloe cleared her throat, her normally cheery disposition dimming a little around the edges. After a few more tense seconds, she kind of drew herself up, an overly bright smile stretching across her cheeks that Beca could only tell, due to their extensive history, was a little bit forced. If anything, this just put her more on edge.
"So how have you been? What are you up to these days?"
Beca tilted her beer up and swallowed the last of the bottle in three over ambitious gulps.
"Umm. I've been good." She was having a hard time thinking past the deafening roar of her heartbeat in her ears, so she ducked her head down, focusing intently on her empty beer bottle as she carefully started to rip the label off. "Still working at Residual Heat."
"Oh nice!" Chloe chirped, then leaned over, brushing their shoulders together in a touch Beca could feel in her toes. "Are you a big bad producer yet?"
The near constant adrenaline rush of the evening didn't seem like it was dying down anytime soon, and she felt fidgety and uncomfortable, like her skin was stretched too tight over her bones.
"Oh. Um. No. Just a PA. I'm working on it though."
"I'm sure you'll get there. You're too disgustingly talented not to."
Beca ducked her head to hide the blush she could feel creeping up her chest and neck. This was a little bit ridiculous. It's just Chloe, she tried to tell herself. It's just Chloe, and you were best friends for four years and you used to talk all the time. Sack up, dude!
"What about you? You teaching?" Beca scrunched her brow, trying to remember what it was Chloe had said she wanted to do once free of Barden and released into the real world. "Or stripping?"
Chloe rolled her eyes and playfully bumped Beca's shoulder.
"Very funny. Neither actually. Turns out that 7 years of college isn't enough to walk into a teaching position so I have to take a few more classes to get my credentials."
"Well that blows."
"It's not so bad." Chloe said with a shrug. "I got a job at a veterinary clinic working the front desk and I actually really like it. I'm thinking about trying to be a vet tech."
"Really! I never would have-" Beca paused and tilted her head. "No. Actually. It fits. You probably feel right at home surrounded by puppies and kittens."
Chloe laughed and rolled her eyes.
They launched into another terse silence before Chloe smiled again in that way that didn't quite reach her eyes. It looked like she was trying to make eye contact, but her eyes only managed to flick up twice before dropping down to land on her hands where they were fidgeting against the bar top. "So… you still with Jesse?"
"I… am. We live together."
"Oh! That's… that's great." Chloe said. Did her smile actually slip for a second, or did Beca imagine it? "He's a really good guy."
Yeah. A really good dead guy.
"He has his moments."
"What has it been for you guys? Three years?"
"Um. Four? I think?"
"Oh. I didn't realize it had been that long."
It became immediately apparent that Chloe wasn't going to comment further, and Beca was ridiculously grateful. Talking about Jesse with her felt… wrong.
"What about you? You… seeing anyone?"
Dear god. Did she honestly expect this topic to be any better?
"I… Yeah. Yes. I am."
Why did this feel so weird?
"That's… cool. Good! That's good." Beca internally smashed her face against the surface of the bar at her lame tone. What was wrong with her?
"Yeah. It is. It's… well we've only been together for a couple weeks, but I have a really good feeling about this one."
"Oh. Um. Congrats then? I guess?"
Had it always been this awkward when talking about their love life with each other? Had they even ever really talked about their love lives with each other? Beca honestly couldn't remember.
They lapsed into yet another another silence and by now, Beca's insides were itching and her skin was crawling and she really was going to kill Jesse for this.
"Well I probably should-"
"BecaIreallywantto-"
"Sorry." Chloe smiled shakily and shook her head, clearing her throat as she flicked her eyes down. "What were you going to say?"
"No. You… You go ahead."
"Oh. It's… I don't…" Chloe flicked her eyes up and met Beca's for almost a full second before ducking her head back down with a nervous laugh. "Nevermind."
Beca rolled her eyes. "It's ok Chlo. Just... what were you going to say?"
Chloe rolled her hip against the bar and bit the corner of her lip. Beca tried not to notice. She seemed to waffle for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and squared her shoulders.
"I just wanted to say... I'm sorry. About… Well about what happened." Beca's pulse skyrocketed and an ache lanced through her chest and raced down her arms. Apparently Chloe wasn't done. "I didn't…" Really?! She was going to bring this up? Now?! "I didn't know that everything would-"
"No! Hey. We don't-"
"NoBecaListen." Chloe reached forward and placed her hand atop Beca's from where it was resting against the surface of the bar. "I'm serious. I…" Chloe's fingers impersceptively squeezed. "I miss you. Like… A lot." She laughed nervously, her eyes slipping shut as though with embarrassment. "I thought it would go away, and it hasn't." When she opened her eyes, she pinned Beca with a look that was so open and so sincere in made her chest ache. "I regret doing anything to mess that up. To mess our friendship up. You know?"
"Chloe, we really don't need to talk about this."
"And we don't have to-" Chloe rushed out, sounding more than just a little grateful. "I just… I just want you to know I'm sorry. And-" She twisted her fingers together, biting her lip again as she looked down. "Well I'm kind of hoping we can kinda just start over."
Beca recoiled as though she had been struck. Start over? What did that even mean? Could they start over? How would they start over? Is 'start over' even the right way to put it? For a second, Beca just shut down the critical and scared part of her brain and tried to imagine it; tried to picture having Chloe back in her life again, for real. It was hard to separate all of her anxiety and fear from the tangled mess that constituted her current feelings towards her ex-best friend, but if she thought back far enough, she still was able to remember what it had felt like to have Chloe as a constant. To have her as part of Beca's daily life and regimen. It wasn't something she had really allowed herself to think about too much over the past year, but she couldn't deny it; those had been the best years of her life. She missed that. She missed Chloe. She missed Chloe and their friendship and how easy and fulfilling and wonderful it had been so much. And here she was, offering all of that back. Was it even possible?
When Beca remained silent, Chloe laughed, her voice high and her eyes tight.
"I'm sorry." She said, shaking her head rapidly and waved a hand in the air. "I shouldn't have brought it up. Just ignore-"
"No! I-" Beca huffed out a frustrated breath, irritated with her complete inability to string together a coherent sentence. "I mean yes."
"...yes?"
Beca twisted her lips in a tight smile at the bartender when he dropped off her drinks, and she didn't waste any time, immediately downing her shot, more than a little grateful at the distraction the burn in her throat provided.
"Yes to… to what you said."
"Yeah?" Chloe said, lifting her head with hope gleaming in her bright eyes. "Do over?"
Beca rolled her eyes. "I don't really know what that means, but... ok. Sure. Do over."
To say Chloe brightened would have been a dramatic understatement. It honestly looked like she had just been told that Christmas and her birthday had been moved up and were being made a weekly event.
It was almost physically blinding and reached inside Beca's chest and rooted out that spot that only Chloe had ever really touched, pushing and nudging it reluctantly to the surface. The smile that crept to Beca's face was the easiest and most genuine she could remember wearing in a while.
"Hey Bhloe! One of you skinny bitches is up next." Fat Amy yelled deafeningly into the microphone. Both Beca and Chloe jumped. For her part, it was a true testament to how completely preoccupied she felt in how Beca had not even noticed that anyone had been singing in the first place. Chloe's smile brightened impossibly further before she leaned over the bar and rooted around, resurfacing with a red solo cup and a raised brow, her smile playful and mischievous.
Beca rolled her eyes and smacked it out of her hands.
"Don't be a nerd."
"It's a do over Beca. That means-"
"No."
"But-"
"Don't push it."
Chloe rolled her eyes before linking her arm with Beca's and pulled her away from the bar.
All in all, the night went pretty much exactly as she would have expected any kind of reunion to go. That is to say she felt awkward and uncomfortable and like she wanted to crawl out of her skin roughly 90% of the time. She survived though, which was something she had honestly doubted for a couple minutes there. Her boots felt much less steady standing outside on the curb than they had when she walked into the bar several hours prior, but that probably had more to do with the more-than-strictly-necessary number of drinks she had imbibed over the course of the evening than any lingering nerves or anxiety. Oh she still had a shit ton of lingering nerves and anxiety. They were just kind of muted, more a steady roar in the background and less someone screaming directly into her ear. They had all been standing outside for a while now, most of the girls having already paired off and left after a long and emotional goodbye filled with tears and so many hugs and a collective vow Beca had zero intention of honoring to all get together again "soon". There was one glaring difference between her expectations and the reality of the evening, however, and she was currently standing huddled next to Beca's side, shivering in the cool night air in her light jacket.
Beca, who was feeling much more relaxed and looser with good old Jack sitting on her shoulder -especially now that she was outside and no longer surrounded by big women with bigger personalities- rolled her eyes and shrugged out of her peacoat, draping it over Chloe's shoulders before she had a chance to decline or for Beca to overthink herself into inaction. Chloe had always been the worst at dressing for colder weather, and it looked like four years of always having a best friend with a spare hoodie and warm hands was a hard habit to break. And she always got cold so easily.
Chloe immediately started to protest, but at the hard and flat look Beca leveled her with, she shut her mouth and drew the jacket tighter around her shoulders, pulling it up until it covered the smile that was starting to stretch across her lips.
"Thanks", Chloe said softly.
"Don't mention it", Beca said as she glanced at her phone and fired off another text asking for Jesse's ETA.
Jessica and Ashley swooped in for one last hug before disappearing into a single car and drove away.
And then there were two.
"So did you drive here, or…"
"Uber" Chloe replied, shifting her weight from one foot to the other from inside her jacket cocoon, her arms crossed high across her chest. It really was unfair how adorable she looked. It shouldn't be allowed for someone to be that nice, and funny and sweet and pretty and adorable and sexy-
"What about you? Did you… drive?"
Beca coughed, mentally beating the part of her brain that had just spoken up into a bloody pulp. Sexy? Really? That's where she wanted to go with this right now?
"Um. No. I have a… Jesse"
Chloe's eyes twinkled with her smile. Like, she didn't even need to see her mouth to know she was smiling.
"Ah. One of the many perks of having a boyfriend I assume."
"Something like that."
Thankfully Beca was saved when Chloe's phone chirped, a white honda civic pulling into the parking lot and slowing to a halt directly in front of where they stood.
"Guess that's you?" Beca said.
"Guess so."
She pulled Beca's jacket reluctantly off her shoulders and immediately shivered at the cold.
"Wimp", Beca said with a smirk.
"Shut up", Chloe laughed out, trying and failing to give Beca a sufficiently chastising glare. "I am a delicate flower."
Beca snorted, her laugh truly catching her off guard. Chloe chuckled one last time before reaching out with a jerky hand to give Beca her jacket. Beca accepted the garment, doing her best not to flinch or pull back when their fingers lightly brushed. She could tell Chloe wanted to hug her, and honestly, it seemed weird not to, but Beca just couldn't. She was still way over stimulated from an evening of incredibly touchy girls, and she just… She couldn't. So she stepped back. She was a little worried that Chloe would take it the wrong way, but luckily she just smiled, her eyes soft and understanding.
"We really shouldn't wait another year to all get together again. I think everyone would be much less high energy that way."
"Probably", Beca shrugged.
"Well at the very least, I hope we don't go another year without…"
Beca felt a stab of guilt lance through her chest and sucked a breath in through her teeth. "Yeah. No. I'll… We won't."
Chloe pressed her lips together with a smile, her eyes looking tight and anxious. "So I can call you later? Or text?"
"Yeah. Yeah you can."
"And you'll answer?"
Beca rolled her eyes. "Yes Chloe."
"You promise?"
"Will you get in your Uber before he decides to leave?"
Instead of coming in for a hug, Chloe reached down and gently grabbed Beca's hand, squeezing once before letting it drop, meeting Beca's eyes with a smile that looked like hope. Beca's fingers immediately began to tingle, and she had to keep herself from wiping them on her thighs against the itch.
"Goodnight Becs."
"Night Chlo."
The sound of the door slamming shut was loud and abrasive in the still night air and Beca watched the car pull away until it turned a corner and was out of sight.
Shivering in the cool night air (ok. Maybe it was a little bit colder than she had thought), she shrugged her coat back around her shoulders and felt a surge of relief when she finally spotted Jesse's car turning into the parking lot.
As soon as the car slowed to a stop at her side, she reached down and yanked the door open.
"So… How was it?"
Beca finally let all her walls and barriers of the evening drop and the roaring cacophony of her nerves and anxiety suddenly rocket up in pitch, fueled by the copious amounts of rage she finally unleashed into her bloodstream.
"Don't talk to me." Beca growled, tightly tucking herself into the car and fastening her seatbelt.
Jesse scoffed, pulling back as though physically repelled by the dark cloud of frustration and rage that quickly spread throughout the cab. "Oh my god. Seriously?"
Beca turned in her seat, leveling him with the most indignant and vicious glare she could manage. Even then, she had to quickly rip her gaze away. She honestly couldn't even look at him she was so pissed. "I told you I didn't want to go, Jesse! I didn't say that just to hear myself talk."
Jesse sighed and dramatically threw his head back, tilting his head to look at her, his face droll. "Why did you say it, then?"
"Maybe because I meant it!?"
Jesse rolled his eyes, dramatically throwing the car into gear and pulled out of the parking lot and into the flow of traffic. Beca kept her gaze fixed stonily out the front windshield, forehead resting against a fist she had braced against the armrest, but she could see Jesse turning his head to look at her in her periphery, his expression slipping more and more into one of amusement. "Are you honestly going to give me the silent treatment?" Beca's anger was truly starting to approach biblical proportions, and bit her tongue against the multitude of impressively scathing retorts that flashed through her mind.
"Ok. This is ridiculous. Why are you so determined to just shut the door on that whole chapter of your life and pretend like it didn't happen?"
Beca widened her eyes and shot him a look. "That's not-" Beca clenched her teeth and took an angry breath. "Why is this such a big deal to you?"
"Because I don't get it!" Jesse exclaimed, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel for emphasis. "I don't understand how you can care so deeply about a group of people, then just… shut if off. You were with them for four years! You lived with them for three. You sang for the president and traveled the country and went to Europe with them. It's just..." Jesse waved his arms emphatically in the air, "it's bizarre, Beca! Especially with Chloe. It's just-"
"Oh my god! Why are you so fixated on my friendship with Chloe?!"
"I'm not! I'm just saying that-"
"You are! You've been shoving her down my throat since you brought this whole thing up!"
As if announcing her presence in the tight confines of the car, the smell of Chloe's perfume wafted across her face, still clinging to the coat Beca had buttoned up to her throat.
Jesse frowned, pinching his brow in consternation. "Well that's a gross exaggeration"
Beca ripped at her buttons and hastily shrugged her jacket off her shoulders, balling it up in a tight wad and shoved it into the back seat. "I don't understand why you couldn't just leave it alone."
"They're your friends Beca! I can't just be it for you. You need-"
"For fucks sake will you just stop?!" Beca felt something snap in her chest and clenched her fists, bringing them up to press into her eyes before ripping them away, pinning Jesse with a glare that carried more heat than she could remember since high school. "Your job isn't to decide what I need."
Jesse went stiff in his seat, obviously surprised by her outburst.
"Beca… I didn't think-"
"You didn't have to think, Jesse! I didn't want you to think. I didn't need you to think. I needed you to listen. And I told you I-"
"OK! I get it! I'm sorry!"
The tension that floated down and settled amongst the cabin of the car was thick and sharp, as though any quick movements would leave them both sliced or impaled. Beca was totally willing to just complete the drive in determinedly furious silence, but they barely made it another two blocks before Jesse was at it again.
"Are you seriously that pissed at me right now?"
Beca sneered, hunching herself as far away from him as she could in the tight confines of the car and rested her forehead against the cool glass of the window. "Yes Jesse." She barked out in a scathing and bitter tone. "I'm seriously 'that pissed' at you."
"So… you didn't have a good time at all?"
Beca rolled her eyes and shot him a glare before shivering. She was starting to get cold again and angrily reached over to crank the heater.
"What do you think? There was crying. There was hugging, and there was a shit ton of singing. What part of that screams 'Beca' to you?"
Despite knowing he was totally in the dog house, he had the nerve to roll his eyes.
"Did you at least talk with any of them?"
She knew what he was asking. It was obvious he wanted to know if she and Chloe had made up or reconnected or whatever else he had decided needed to happen. The fixation he had on hers and Chloe's friendship couldn't be healthy or normal.
It was only her desire to get him off her back and finally to shut up that led to her actually answering him. "Maybe"
"Maybe?"
"Can we just have quiet time now? I have a headache"
Jesse raised his hands in surrender, the smile he was trying and failed to hide pulling at the corner of his mouth. Another wave of rage washed over her, but she was too tired to address it. She was tired and angry and overwhelmed and overstimulated and well past tipsy on the drunken scale. She wanted her bed. She wanted to just go to sleep and pretend like none of this had happened.
Beca tilted her head further against the window and stared at the passing cars and streets around them. An image Chloe in those last few seconds before she crawled into her Uber rose unbidden to her mind. Her hair blowing slightly in the wind and face pinched against the cool gusts blowing through the parking lot. Eyes screaming insecurity and fear.
"So I can call you later? Or text?"
"And you'll answer?"
Jesse clearly thought he had won. That her silence was some kind of concession that he had been right all along and Beca was just being stubborn and irrational about this whole thing. Honestly? He was right about 93% of the time when it came to stuff like this. With literally any other area of her life, Beca would honestly be swallowing her pride (at least to herself) and actually considering whatever he was saying. But she couldn't with this.
Beca really wanted to believe that this could honestly be the (re)start of something fucking great, but she couldn't help but feel like she just signed her own death certificate.