Chapter 2: Kendra and everyone
Darker themes for this one folks, just be warned. Shoutout to fairyprincesskendra (feministkendra) for the inspiration. This was a challenge, and in a good way. I wouldn't have thought to write about it without your prompting, so thank you!
Book 1
Kendra bit back a groan as Lena dumped another croissant on her plate. It wasn't that they were bad, it was exactly the opposite. Kendra had already choked down one, hating herself every more with every bite. She didn't really want to repeat, so she nudged her plate to Seth, feigning and full stomach.
"No thanks Lena, I'm all full."
"Are you sure, Kendra?" Lena looked mildly alarmed, and Kendra felt her already queasy stomach clench. "You haven't been eating much, do you feel okay?"
"Yeah, just excited to exploring the gardens." She forced a smile onto her face, hoping to ease Lena's worry. It seemed to work, as Lena nodded kindly and drifted back into the kitchen.
"Are you sure you don't want this?" Seth held the roll aloft and looked her in the eye, clearly worried but trying to play it off.
"Yeah, I'm sure. Enjoy." She rose to her feet as he shoved the whole thing in his mouth. She exited the dining room, turning toward the porch door. Her feet carried her out and down to the gardens, where she found a stone bench to sit on while she focused on not throwing up her breakfast.
Kendra wasn't sure how long she sat there, focusing her mind on just her breathing to quell her unease, but it felt like she'd been meditating for hours when she opened her eyes. She looked around, blinking blearily in the strong afternoon sunlight, trying to find the source of her wakefulness as her senses filtered back to her. She swung her head around, her braid whipping behind her, searching the bushes and flowers until-there!
Moving through the bushes just across the clearing was Dale, slowly but surely making his way towards her. He carried a lunch pail with him, as well as an empty milk bucket. He entered the small pavilion, his work boots clacking across the cracked stones as he moved to sit next to her. He collapsed onto the bench, not too close to her but within reaching distance.
"Afternoon, Kendra." He drawled, reaching into his pail to grab water and a sloppily wrapped sandwich. He took a long draw from the bottle, and then a huge chomp of the sandwich. Kendra tried not to flinch, she really did, but Dale noticed and paused in his loud chewing. He regarded her contemplatively. "What brings you to my lunch bench at 3 in the afternoon?"
"Oh, um," Kendra flushed, trying to figure out answer. "Just relaxing, enjoying the garden. It's so beautiful and peaceful here."
"It is, ain't it?" Dale smiled. He reached back into his pail, producing a granny smith apple. He offered it to her and she froze.
"Um, n-no thanks, Dale. I just ate inside." Or at least, she felt like she had. How long had she been meditating? He was looking at her oddly again, not with concern, but almost suspiciously. He hummed setting the apple down between them. They were both silent, Dale chewing and Kendra breathing.
"You know it's hard," he started suddenly, making Kendra jump. "Looking and feeling one way when everyone else wants you to look and feel another way. Can drive you nuts, huh?"
Kendra nodded, heart in her throat, not sure where this was going.
"But, y'know, you just kinda gotta dig your feet in and do what you want. In any matter. People tell you to be a certain someone with a certain image, you take those reins out of their hands and say 'No, this who I am, who I want to be, and how I want it to happen.' Ya hear?"
She nodded, listening to every word with rapt attention. He stuffed his foil into the pail and gathered the bottle of water, but left the apple as he stood. He turned to her, a wise light in his eyes.
"Start with fibrous fruit. We've got lots of that here. An apple and a bottle of water will keep you full for six hours if you aren't doing too much. Flax and oats, too, for breakfast. Minimal sugars, max complex carbs. Let me know if you need to talk." He nodded at her, smiled kindly, and clomped off back into the woods. Kendra watched him go, then picked up the apple.
And chucked it into the flowers.
Book 2
Kendra sat at the kitchen island, flipping idly through a book. The adults had been out scouting the woods all day, and now as dusk fell, she heard the screen door creak and slap open as they all trekked in.
"Uccidimi!" Vanessa cried as she stretched, breaking off from the group to head for the kitchen. Tanu chuckled and Coulter rolled his eyes as they made for Stan's study.
"Hi, Vanessa." Kendra murmured from behind her book.
"Hey, Kendra," Vanessa smiled back, opening the fridge to rummage. "What did you guys eat tonight? And is there any left? I'm absolutely famished."
Kendra laughed lightly at Vanessa's obvious overdramatics. She smiled back happily, and emerged from the fridge with a water bottle and pomegranate.
"It was just kind of a fend for yourself night, sorry. Seth made nachos, Grandma and Grandpa had sandwiches. Too busy for a real meal."
"Ah," Vanessa raised her brows in understanding. "What did you have? Any leftovers?"
Kendra felt her head throb.
"Sorry, no leftovers." She tried to chuckle, but her discomfort was far too obvious.
"Uh-huh." Vanessa nodded, a strange look on her face. The kitchen descended into a somewhat awkward silence as Kendra sat reading and Vanessa moved about the kitchen. Vanessa spoke up again, so suddenly and so brightly Kendra assumed the initial topic just went over her head. "You know, my abuelita used to make the most incredible bread to use for bolo in the mornings. It was always perfectly fluffy and sweet and warm. And always fresh."
Kendra nodded, not sure where this was going, and not enjoying the simultaneous rumble of hunger in her stomach and spike of pain in her head.
"Well, anyway, I would eat it every morning, of course. Breakfast is breakfast, and when you're fighting your siblings away from your plate you eat what's put in front of you as fast as possible." Vanessa laughed softly to herself, eyes far away as she cut up an avocado. "I was never concerned with what I put in my body until other people were."
The statement was a slap in face compared to the story so far. Vanessa? Of all people, Kendra would never have pegged Vanessa down for victim of schoolyard bullying. Her body seemed so permanent, like a statue, Kendra couldn't begin to imagine a time Vanessa hadn't looked like...well, Vanessa. She felt a stab of envy and hurt; if this was Vanessa just trying to offer pity or whatever, it was cruel as hell. She tried to keep the glower off her face as her friend continued speaking.
"Soon, teachers started approaching me about eating and exercising, and kids were always making jabs at how I ran a little slower than the rest of them. Petty shit-," Vanessa paused and looked sheepish. "Petty actions, sorry- but it was enough to get under my skin. I started taking more advanced dance classes, I started taking judo and archery and historic fencing."
Vanessa paused again here, looking uncomfortable. She took a breath before she resumed speaking.
"And I stopped eating."
Kendra's eyes widened of her own accord. She was now rapt with attention.
"I did all the usual stuff. Not eating for weeks, bingeing one night every now and again to give my body energy before throwing it up. I even started smuggling pills for a few months at one point." She paused and took a breath here, steadying herself. "When I wound up in the hospital at 13 for malnourishment and was diagnosed bulimic and anorexic, I started to realize it wasn't okay. My muscles were atrophying, and my immune system was failing. To make a long story short, I suffered through verbal and physical therapy for a year, on top of meal replacement and liquidized food to get back on my feet. By 16 I was normal looking enough, but my mind was never the same."
Speared a slice of avocado with a fork, regarding it contemplatively.
"There are days I still have to force myself to eat, and days where I push myself too hard."
Kendra didn't know what to say, or how.
'This must be how people feel when I tell them.' she thought sadly.
"Look," Vanessa swallowed the avocado, chasing it with water. "I'm not gonna tell you to force yourself to eat, or that it magically gets better. Because it doesn't. You gotta work hard, and push yourself beyond your limits. You're already doing better than me, I've seen you eat around your family, and that's huge with a disorder like this. Just, don't give up."
She rose, pushing the half-finished bowl of fruit towards her.
"If you ever want to talk, or just cry and scream, you know where to find me."
Vanessa left the kitchen, humming a tune under her breath.
Kendra turned to the bowl, picked up the fork, and took a bite. Even though her body threw it up 3 hours later, she felt better than she had in months.
Book 3
She'd been doing so well.
Kendra Sorenson had been doing so damn well, despite everything. Despite Vanessa's betrayal, the Sphinx's alleged double-agentry, the Lost Mesa fiasco, Gavin's entry into her life, everything. For the past six weeks, she had eaten at least once a day. The nausea was fading and becoming less threatening, she was even moving on from water as her sole beverage.
But now, with the loss of the main house, and the relocation to the pond, she was slipping. They had enough camp food and supplies to keep themselves going for a long while, but Kendra had barely touched any of it. What she did choke down she threw up in the hedges, and the only substance of real value she had consumed was water.
She hadn't felt so shitty in ages.
Just as she was about to mix her popcorn with the bird seeds and dirt behind her, Warren plopped down next to her on the ground. She had been hanging out away from the thick of things, a little behind their large striped tent.
"What's up, Kens?" He all but shouted in her ear, taking a huge handful of popcorn and shoving it in his.
"Not much, I guess." She shrugged, not bothering to hide her listlessness. "How are we gonna beat this, Warren?"
'How am I gonna beat this?' she thought to herself, feeling more frustrated than ever and hating herself for her Judas body and its way of processing literally anything.
"We're not gonna give up." Warren stated firmly, looking ahead at the pond, expression leaving no room for argument. "We're gonna fight every day, for the rest of our lives if we have to. And we'll do it together, to create a life we can all enjoy, and thrive in and be a part of. Because that's the whole point of all of this; to fight for the small moments, the moments in between." He turned to look at her, eyes shining. "So we can have something worth fighting for."
Kendra nodded jerkily, tears welling in her eyes. As they started to drip down her face, she turned to Warren and threw herself into his arms. He caught her in a side-hug, holding her tight against him as she sobbed silently, but with all of her being.
"I'm so tired, Warren," she choked out. "So, so tired. I want it to be over, I just want to live like everyone else."
"Oh, Kendra," he sighed, letting some of his own tears slip out. "You can't always get what you want, but you still have to try. I know it's not fair, or fun, but life rarely is. You're not alone though, you have all of us. We love you, so so much. Don't ever lose sight of that."
Kendra nodded, huddling against Warren tighter as the night grew colder and the stars began to emerge. When she thought he wasn't looking, she slipped a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth, letting them dissolve on her tongue. As the mush slipped down her throat, a commotion erupted toward the gazebo. From the circle of people, Doren burst through, carrying a laughing Seth on his back. Verl followed after, frantically trying to keep up as an irate dwarf gave chase. Even the centaurs, hunkered in their corner, followed the action with condescending amusement in their eyes. Warren laughed bodily beside her, cheering Doren on.
Kendra felt her own laughing spring forward unbidden from her chest, and popped some more popcorn in her mouth without a second thought.
Between 4 and 5
Gavin was a traitor. Of course he was, because why not? Nothing else worked out very well for her, might as well add that onto the trash heap, too.
This was Kendra's thought process as she angrily fixed herself an omelette. Her family (and Tanu and Coulter) were seated at the island behind her, going over the plans for the Obsidian Waste mission. She joined them once she plated her eggs, absorbing all that she could as she munched away. Seth and she chimed in now and again, asking clarifying questions (herself) or making cracks about the tense atmosphere (Seth).
"It's like pea soup in here, people." He grumbled after Coulter aimed a fourth hairy eyeball at him.
"Ew," Warren grumbled. "Pea soup is gross."
"Not with ham." Ruth reasoned.
"Can we focus here, folks?" Coulter snapped. "We don't sort this out there won't be anymore pea soup ever."
"Truly a travesty." Warren snickered. Dale smacked his head. "Ow!"
Kendra chuckled, reaching down for another piece of egg. She startled herself when her fork scraped the glass, picking up only crumbly debris. Sighing, and deciding against making another, she stood and made her way over to the sink to clean the dish off. As she stood washing, her mind drifted back to Gavin.
She was fully expectant for this to set her back further in her recovery. Whenever her depression reared its ugly head, so did the Food Thing (thanks, Seth). She heaved a heavy breath, resigning herself to another four weeks for vomiting. She could already feel the nausea forming-
Except...she couldn't.
'I'm just faking myself out,' she reasoned. 'The loathing always comes first…'
She searched herself mentally, probing her brain for any sign of hatred or remorse.
None.
Her breath was coming short and fast now, yet her stomach stayed strong. She dropped the plate in the sink with a loud clatter.
"Jeez, Kendra, just hurl to the ground next time why don't ya?" Seth griped, rubbing his ear.
"Kendra, is everything okay, honey?" Ruth asked cautiously, ready to rush her granddaughter to the bathroom.
"I don't feel anything." She mumbled, gripping the sink as she turned off the water. She turned shakily, facing her family. "I don't feel a single thing."
"Um, yay?" Seth looked terribly confused. "I wasn't aware you were on an emotional rollercoaster for pea soup."
"I ate the omelette," Kendra pressed on, the blood roaring in her ears preventing her from hearing her brother. "I ate the whole thing, and I don't feel anything."
"Kendra…," Warren looked cautiously hopeful. "Do you mean-"
"I ate it all!" Kendra could hear and feel her voice bordering on hysterics, knew her face was getting red, and that she'd probably be crying soon. "I ate every last piece of the eggs and I feel fine!"
Seth was the first to reach her, grabbing her and hugging her tight, yelling something happy but muffled. He'd deny this ever happened in an hour. Warren was next, catching them both in a strong embrace, his cheeks already damp. Tanu reached around Seth to ruffle Kendra's hair as he laughed, freely and joyously, before hugging her as well. Stan and Ruth looked on, happy tears in their eyes, holding each other's hands tightly. Coulter watched the explosion of joy from his seat, his usual gruffness softening as he smiled for the young girl who'd overcome so much.
Kendra took in shaky breaths as she enjoyed every second of her victory. This moment, this victory, had been worth every battle she fought, whether lost or won. This was her moment in between. And with renewed hope, she wiped her cheeks dry, more determined than ever fight for the next one.