Title: Tuvix Too
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Author: Singing Violin
Rating: K
Keywords: Janeway/Chakotay friendship, Janeway/Tuvok friendship
Summary: An interlude between "Tuvix" and "Resolutions"
Disclaimer: TPTB own them, but they didn't do what I wanted with them, so I'm borrowing them for a bit. I'll give them back when I'm done.
Feedback: Yes please.
Archiving: Anywhere.

Kathryn:

I am too troubled by my own ethical battle to react to the fact that my second-in-command has just entered the privacy of my quarters and caught me during my weakest moment. He may think, from my lack of acknowledgement, that I do not know he is there. In fact, I knew the moment the door swished open who it would be, but I am merely too busy gagging to deal with the added complication to my current situation.

When my stomach finally quits its rebellion, I wait for it to settle, and I can feel his hands on my shoulders. I know he is attempting to offer comfort, but I cannot take it. I am feeling too inhuman. I do not speak to him, because whatever words I utter will be hollow, and he will know it.

Instead, I remove myself from the floor and return to the couch, deliberately refusing to acknowledge him, hoping he will just go away.

But he doesn't. Damn him. Why is he treating me with such concern, when I clearly do not deserve it? I am a murderer…he should be locking me in the brig…

And then he has set a glass of water in front of me, and begun cleaning. He is cleaning up my mess. It occurs to me that this is far and beyond the call of duty, even if I were not the embodiment of evil right now.

So I make the decision to speak, although it comes out far more flatly than I intend. "You don't have to do that."

He looks up, but his only response is to smile sadly at me and continue what he is doing. I am too conflicted to do anything but sit and watch and mull over my previous actions.

Finally, he resurfaces. "I think that's the best I can do," he says. "I'm sorry, Captain, but I think it's going to leave a stain. We could replace the carpet…"

I interrupt him. "Leave it," I order. I want the stain, to remind me of what I have done. It matches the stain on my conscience. Though perhaps I don't have a conscience any more. What was I thinking? I can't believe I was able to go through with it. I think, at the time, I had given myself an order and deliberately didn't question it until it was carried out. Now, however, I am free to question my decision, and I do not like it. I do not like it at all. I must be punished…

I am snapped out of my reverie by the beep of a communicator. Instinctively, I reach up, but the call is not for me. Chakotay is kneeling at my feet, and it is he who must answer. "Lieutenant Tuvok to Commander Chakotay," I hear, and the sound feels as if it is coming through a room full of cotton balls.

Tuvok:

I return to my quarters after sending the message from sickbay, and after some time meditating to reacquaint myself with my new individuality, I must say I am anxious to return to duty.

I hope that Commander Chakotay has checked on the captain, and that she is fine, though my instincts tell me otherwise. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay," I order. "Commander Chakotay is in Captain Janeway's quarters," the computer replies. Indeed, the commander has gone to check on the captain, but if everything were all right, they would both have returned to the bridge by now.

I do not wish to interrupt them, but the ship needs a leader on the bridge – no doubt Commander Chakotay would have left hastily, and left the ship in the hands of whomever was available. Without permission, I cannot return to duty. Logic dictates that I must contact the commander, and so I do.

"Lieutenant Tuvok to Commander Chakotay," I tell the communicator.

After a moment, he answers. "Chakotay here. What is it Mr. Tuvok?"

"Commander, I am sorry to disturb you." It is important that I acknowledge that I am invading his and the captain's privacy; otherwise the meaning behind my original note may be called into question.

"That's okay, Mr. Tuvok. What can I do for you?" he answers. Analyzing the fluctuations in his voice, I surmise that he is worried. However, there is nothing I can do at this time to ease that worry, so I, to use a human expression, get straight to the point.

"Permission to return to duty, Commander," I ask.

"Yes, of course, Tuvok, we're glad to have you back," is his reply.

"Thank you, Commander," I acknowledge, and I leave them to whatever they are doing. Hopefully it is therapeutic. I can take command of the bridge for now, but I do not command this vessel. Voyager is not complete without the undivided attention of its captain.

Chakotay:

I am hopeful when she speaks, and in acknowledgement, I attempt to smile at her, to reassure her. I don't think it works, though, especially because I am sure that my current state of inner panic is overwhelming my acting ability, and so I doubt anyone would be convinced by the show. But I make the effort anyway, before I return to cleaning.

Somehow it makes me feel better to clean up. I feel as if I am repairing something. Ordinarily, I'd be disgusted by this task, but right now, it makes me feel useful. I have no idea what to say to her to ease her inner turmoil, evident by her body's own betrayal. But cleaning the puddle on the floor is easy, so I do that instead.

It occurs to me as I finish that the cleaning is not thorough, that the only way to exorcise the stain will be to replace the carpet. I admit this out loud to the captain, and her reply is immediate and harsh. "Leave it," she says. It is in the tone of an order, one I dare not disobey.

I pick up the soiled supplies and dump them into the recycler, and when I return, kneeling beside her, I can see a thousand emotions flickering across her face. I can't make them out, but I'm willing to bet guilt is a big one. I wish there was something I could say to snap her out of it. I want to take her hands in mine and press them to my lips and tell her that she is still human, that she has done the best thing, but I remain silent and aloof, not wanting to intrude where I am not wanted.

I have only known this extraordinary woman for two years, and I don't really know how she will react, especially in this mood that I have never witnessed before. I wish Tuvok could be here instead, for his experience with the captain would allow him to better anticipate the best course of action, but I am also glad that he is part of the problem this time, so that I can have a chance to take care of her. I want her to trust me, to rely on me. I am here for her, as her first officer, and as her friend, and perhaps, some day, something more. Maybe one day she will even realize that, but for now, I am thankful for this small opportunity.

Meanwhile, as I study her face and contemplate what to say to her to bring her out of her shell, I am interrupted by the beep of my communicator.

It is Tuvok. Doesn't he know I am busy? It was he who sent me on this mission. I am worried for a moment that there has been some sort of ship's disaster, but the ensuing conversation reminds me that it is a simple matter of his return to duty. I am relieved, and something about his words makes me suspect that the reason he dared to interrupt me now was in order to take the bridge and allow me as much time as I need to make sure the captain is okay.

In fact, I realize that Tuvok has acted almost emotionally in this matter. Could it just be the after effects of being joined with the emotional Talaxian, or is it something more? I wonder if the quiet Vulcan, beneath all the cold logic and calculations, cares for her as much as I do.