Title: Didja Hear?

Characters: Hayner, Roxas, Pence, Olette, Larxene, Axel, Namine, Riku (Kingdom Hearts), Selphie, Irvine, Refia, Squall (Final Fantasy VIII), Aerith, Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Vincent (Final Fantasy VII), Shuyin, Lynn, (Final Fantasy X-2), Yuna, Rikku (Final Fantasy X), Balthier, and Ashe (Final Fantasy XII)

Pairings: Dear lord… RoxasxNamine, RoxasxOlette, PencexSelphie, IrvinexAerith, CloudxLynn, CloudxTifa, YunaxBalthier, LarxenexBalthier, YuffiexBalthier, VincentxRefia, SquallxAshe, AshexAxel, AxelxNamine, HaynerxNamine

Spoilers: None of consequence

Notes: This came about from a tagged picture on facebook in which one of my friends made himself Roxas and his girlfriend Olette. Another girl asked why his girlfriend was Olette if Roxas ended up with Namine, and thus I wrote this in explanation… and to annoy the heck out of the guy who tagged the picture. It was highly amusing. This has been modified from its original version… to make sense (because I don't know why it wouldn't fit your screen…XP). Rikku is telling the story to Riku because I like writing things with Rikku and Riku. XD

Summary: It's like Desperate Housewives… yet slightly worse…

Didja Hear?

By Dandy Wonderous

Riku was enjoying a nice, quiet day on Destiny Island, laying on the beach, munching a paopu fruit (which, he had to admit, was somewhat depressing alone), taking in some rays, and reveling in the peace and quiet.

So, of course, something-or someone-had to come along and ruin it all.

"Riku! Didja hear!?!"

Riku cracked one eye open and glared at the bubbly girl running at him at full speed. "Rikku? What're you doing here?"

"I've come to tell you the news!" she explained, breathless. She flopped down next to him with a soft thump.

Now Riku was alert. He sat all the way up and shifted to better face her, tensed for whatever bad news she had brought. "Okay, what is it? Heartless? Nobodies? More long, white haired maniacs?"

"Worse!" she wailed. "Roxas cheated on Namine with Olette!"

Riku stared at her blankly for several minutes. Finally he sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and asked patiently, "Is that all?"

"Well, no," she said, and then took a deep breath.

Well, I could always rip out her heart and turn her into a Heartless… No, no, I'm not an evil minion anymore. Remember the therapy!!!

"Okay, so it turns out Pence had this major crush on Olette and he was totally upset after he found out about her and Roxas. But then he met Selphie, and I guess they just kind of clicked. Irvine found out about Selphie and Pence so he hooked up with Aerith, who, it turns out, has always had a thing for cowboys. Cloud was so distraught that he offed himself and wound up on the Farplane where he ran into Lynn, who has a thing for bad boys. They hooked up which made Shuyin mad, so he went to Yuna to get her to get the Fayth to give Cloud his life back. Yuna refused until he agreed to help her get a date with Balthier. The Fayth agreed and Cloud was forced to part with Lynn and return home to Tifa, who beat the crap out of him because it's obvious that he's in love with her, anyway. Meanwhile, Yuna got her date with Balthier but it was violently interrupted by Larxene, who decided that she wanted the sexy British sky pirate for herself. Yuna and Larxene had a showdown that ended up with Yuffie winning by an unexplained turn of events. Yuffie and Balthier went on that date while Vincent, having lost yet another love interest, stalked off to get drunk and happened to run into Refia, who had broken up with Squall after he changed his name and ran off with two single girls and an old man. When word of this newest relationship got back to Squall or Leon or whatever, he got rather mad and asked Ashe out in revenge. But Ashe refused, because she had her eyes set on Axel. But Axel is in love with Namine, who is living with Heyner because Roxas cheated on her with Olette, whose memory Pence is drowning out by going out with Selphie. And thus the story comes full circle!!!" She took a few deep gulps of air, then nodded in satisfaction.

Riku waited until his head stopped spinning from the rush of information. "…And?" he finally ventured to ask.

"And what?"

"And why did you have to tell me all this?"

She blinked at him for a moment, then smiled. "Oh, I didn't. I was actually supposed to tell you that Sora was in trouble in Neverland and needed your help."

Riku slapped his forehead. "Anything else?"

She wracked her brain. "Nope, I think that's it. Boy, is my mouth parched from all that talking…" She trailed off, her eyes landing on the half-eaten poapu. "Oo, that fruit looks really good!"

"Huh? Wait, no, don't eat-"

Riku was too late; Rikku had taken a huge bite of the star shaped fruit and was chewing it appreciatively.

Riku sighed and let his head hit his knees. It was times like this when he wished he was still under Ansem's influence…

The End

A/N: Poor Riku… *giggle snort* Anyway, only Rikku's long speech happened in the thing I posted, but I added all the bits around it for clarity. And it's fun to bond Rikku to Riku for forever and eternity. ^^

Reader Review Corner!!

Although I may have already replied to you, Izumi, but here's an official one.

IzumiTheMoogle: I feel sorry for him, too… Okay, so no I don't. XP I'm sure you could! They know how to party! Well, what else were they going to do with boobs in the vicinity? He would have; good thing most of them were supporting characters (besides Naruto). He is, indeed, and therefore he was a prime target for torture.

This is Dandy Wonderous, who maybe shouldn't drink so much caffeine, signing out.