Chapter 2

The New Noobs

Outside the Blue Base, Emil kept looking round until he spotted Mithos thirty feet away, kneeling next to something. At once, Emil ran over to him.

"Hey, Yggy, we got problems, man," he shouted as he arrived. "I need to call Command."

Mithos got to his feet and turned round but he didn't reply.

"Hello? World to Yggy," Emil called. "I mean, this place to Yggy."

"Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?" Mithos asked.

"What?"

Mithos stepped to the side and Emil got his first look at the alien baby. In terms of size, it only reached up to Emil's knee, but it had the exact appearance as the alien-angel except its armor was teal instead of blue. The little alien looked up and gave a high-pitched "Honk?"

"I don't...I c- I can't... I don't... this is-"

"Take your time," Mithos assured. "This is a big moment."

"Blarg!" the alien squeaked.

Emil shook his head "I can't deal with this right now."

"Honk!"

"Shut up, you're disgusting," Emil snapped before turning to the medic. "Yggy, what's Botta's number?"

"What for?"

"For reinforcements," Emil explained. "Wait, unless you've had like specialized combat training in the last ten minutes."

"Uh, nope," Mithos replied.

"Then yeah, reinforcements."

"Well, I did just change a dirty diaper-"

"That doesn't count," Emil cut in.

"I don't know, it was a real doozy…" Mithos added in a whisper, "Number two."

"Yggy, focus!" Emil snapped. "Botta's number, what is it?"

"Come on, Castagnier," Mithos scoffed. "Everybody remembers Botta's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?"

"Oh right, Botta's jingle," Emil sighed.

Mithos then started to sing: "If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click, clickclickclick, just call me up at 555-B-O-T-A!"

Emil rolled his eyes as he dialed the number into his cell phone. "You know, it probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed, or if his name actually had just one T."

"Oh, music is a great way to learn things," Mithos giggled. "That's how I studied for the MCAT."

Emil looked up at this. "You passed the MCAT?"

"Nah, not even close," Mithos admitted. "But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song 'Miss Independence.' It teaches you all about the lymphatic system." He then started singing again, "Dum, d-dum, lymphatic system-"

"Hey shut up," Emil hissed as he listened to the dialing tone. "I'm on the phone."

"Honk!" the baby cried.

"And do me a favor," Emil growled. "Kill that fucking thing, would you?"

After a short while, Botta Jr.'s voice called out, "Hey dude."

"Botta! Hey it's Emil, I-"

"This is Botta, at 555-B-O-T-A, doodleydoo. I'm not in the cassita right now, so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta."

"Hey Botta, this is Emil, I need to-"

But he was interrupted by a female voice saying, "You have reached the voicemail system."

Emil sighed in irritation. "Okay, okay, come on."

"To leave a message, just wait for the tone."

"I know how to leave a goddamned message!"

"When you are finished recording, just hang up, or press pound for more options."

"Really, hang up, no shit," Emil muttered sarcastically. "I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voicemail."

"For delivery options, press five."

"Just give me the damn beep!"

"To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six."

"COME ON!"

"To repeat this message, press nine."

"I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady!"

Meanwhile at the ship, Kratos and Sheena had run out of ways to enrage Presea and Zelos had come back from the Warthog, but the metallic noises had not stopped.

"That tapping is gonna drive me insane," Zelos grunted. "We either need to get Presea outta here, or find a way to kill her."

"Presea, can you please stop tapping?" Sheena yelled. "We heard you. You're crushed and you're in mortal danger, we get it."

But the noises still didn't stop. "I can feel the tapping in my brain!" Zelos screamed.

Kratos sighed and scratched the top of his head. "Well I have to admit, I'm stumped! I have no idea how to get her out."

"Jesus," Zelos cried. "How long would it take her to starve to death? When was the last time she ate?" He turned to his leader. "Sarge, didn't you once tell me you built self destruct mechanisms into our armor? Can't you just use Presea's?"

"No, sadly that's just you, Wilder," Kratos replied regrettably. "Although I could activate yours if you'd like."

"How would that help?"

"Well the situation would be a little less annoying."

Sheena jumped at the opportunity. "You want me to get the activation code, Sir?"

"Nah," Kratos replied. "The activation code is just 'activation code.' Keep it simple."

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that," Sheena groaned.

Just then the metallic rapping got louder.

"Oh my God, is it getting louder?" Zelos moaned, placing his hands on the sides of his head. "I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying."

"To mark this message as urgent, press eleven."

"There IS no eleven, you FUCKING WHORE!" Emil yelled.

"Ooh, language," Mithos scolded, placing his hands over the baby's head.

Kratos let out a despondent sigh. "It pains me as your leader to say this, but I think we need to admit defeat. Years of experience on the battlefield and I've finally met my match. I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship: a ship full of enemies, maybe, but never just a ship itself!" He turned and gave a noble salute to the ship. "Bravo, ship. Brav-oh."

"Don't give up yet, Sir," Sheena protested. "I'm sure we could find a way to-"

"Ah, Sheena it's hopeless," Kratos cut in, turning to face his privates. "Let's start assigning duties for our retreat."

But while he was talking, there was another loud creak and a long door at the back of the ship began to lower. Sheena stared in amazement. "Uhh, Sir-"

"Sheena, you can pack up all the toiletries and remaining MREs," Kratos said. "But make sure not to mix them up, or we'll never be able to tell them apart again."

"Sir, you really should turn around," Zelos cut in.

"Sure," Kratos muttered. "And give the ship a chance to rub it in. No dice."

"Sir, the door's open," Sheena shouted, pointing over Kratos's shoulder. "That means we won. Another victory for the glorious Red Army!"

"What?" Kratos spun round to see the ramp leading out of the ship. "I mean of course it is! Looks like my plan worked! Chalk up another one in the win column for Kratos!"

Then a fully armored soldier in bright yellow armor stepped out of the ship. "Hey, who's that guy?" Kratos cried out. "Let's shoot him."

"To hear these options in Spanish, press dos."

"I HATE YOU!" Emil roared.

Then finally the beep came and Emil quickly recovered. "Botta, it's Emil, I need you-"

"I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full."

As the line went dead, Emil put his phone away and facepalmed. "I'm gonna kill myself," he growled. "I'm gonna kill myself."

"Uh, what was that all about?" Mithos asked.

"Yggy, we are royally screwed," Emil sighed. "Half our team is down and I think-"

"No it's not, look!" Mithos pointed towards the Base. "Sage is already back in action."

Emil looked round to see Genis staggering out of the Base. "I'm okay, I'm okay," he called out weakly then he fainted again. "I'm not okay…"

"He's fine," Mithos reassured.

Emil sighed and bowed his head. "Like I was saying, half the team is down and the other half that's left sucks. So all the Reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead."

"Honk!" the alien squeaked.

"Oh, right," Emil grunted. "And I have to kill this fucking thing."

"Also I see a big ship," Genis whimpered. "Now I know I'm hallucinating!"

"Oh, I forgot that part!" Emil cried. "The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. It probably has a huge fucking weapon on it, like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armor sterile… Awesome."

"Hmmm," Mithos murmured nervously. "Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that technically I'm neutral in this conflict."

"Yggy, I don't think the situation could get much worse," Emil retorted. "I mean the ship is bad enough, but God knows what kind of reinforcements they have in that thing. It could be a whole new squad, or a Freelancer, or-"

"Zelos' sister?!" Sheena and Kratos cried out in shock.

"Yeah." the yellow soldier replied kookily. "Isn't that cool?"

At the ship, the appearance of the new soldier had surprised the Reds greatly, especially Kratos who had been hoping for more. But the biggest surprise came when the soldier had run down the ramp and grabbed Zelos in a big bear hug. When Sheena asked what was going on, the soldier removed her helmet, showing her short red hair and feminine face, realizing that it was Zelos' younger sister, Seles.

"You know, I always knew there was a genetic possibility that Wilder would have blood relatives," Kratos muttered. "But I always held on to the hope that he was the horrible by-product of an experiment on a turd manufacturing plant!"

Zelos then pulled out of the hug and glared at his sister. "Go home."

"What?" she cried out.

"Seles, go home, right now!" Zelos repeated. "Get in your ship, uncrash it, and fly it home!"

"Whatever," Seles snorted. "Make me."

"As much as I don't wanna spoil my reputation as a do-nothing slacker, I will not hesitate to beat you senseless and drop you in that ship myself."

Seles' face fell. "I thought you would be happy to see me."

"How did you even get here?" Zelos yelled. "We're in the future!"

"Hmm, I think I know how," Sheena interposed, turning to Zelos's sister. "Did you use your hyperdrive to get here, or just the light drive?"

"Which one is the hippie drive?" she asked puzzled. "Is that the one with all the knobs or is it the... other one with all the knobs?"

"Yeah, she probably came here just using the light drive," Sheena assumed. "And as Einstein theorized, in his theory of relativity-"

"English," Zelos cut in.

Sheena sighed. "When you travel near the speed of light, time slows down for you. Essentially, she came forward in time by traveling at light speed."

"That's stupid," Zelos scoffed.

"No, that's science," Sheena retorted. "Didn't you ever read the famous science fiction story where the astronaut watches his baby son being born, but then he gets in a ship-"

"No."

"Well, did you ever read the one where-"

"No!"

"How 'bout-"

"I didn't read any of them!"

"When did you become such a nerd Sheena?" Seles asked.

"Hey, I'm not a nerd," Sheena snapped. "My mom says there's nothing shameful about being smart."

"Alright, Missy," Kratos butted in. "There's just one thing I don't get. How'd you join the Army?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I just signed up."

"But you're a… you know, you-you got lady parts."

"So?"

"So unless this is the cooking and sewing Army-"

"No, I went to join the real Army." she hissed through her teeth a bit.

"Does your gun shoot brownies?"

"What?"

"You'll have to excuse Sarge," Sheena cut in. "He comes from the old school. He did something similar to me and another soldier when we first signed up."

"Alright," Seles replied. "By the way, nobody says 'old school' anymore. Actually, they told me I was too young. So I grabbed an extra suit of armor, and boosted a shuttle."

"Glad you learned something from me," Zelos said proudly.

"No, I'm just kidding," Seles chuckled, shattering Zelos's pride. "I always wanted to do something like that."

"But why did you join the Army?" Zelos asked. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

His sister sighed and bowed her head. "Well, you always looked after me when Mom ran away to join the circus."

"W-Wait a second, hold on," Sheena interrupted. " That what happened to your mom? She's in the circus?" She then burst out laughing. "You know, I never really liked you, but you've made my insults forty-five percent more efficient by just saying one sentence."

"Was your Mom a flaming sword swallower?" Kratos asked out of curiosity. "We could use somebody to replace Presea."

"No," she replied. "You know how circuses have a bearded lady, and a fat lady? Well, my Mom plays both, because she's like super-talented."

"Oh… my… God," Sheena breathed. "Is it okay if I record everything you say?"

"Sure!" she replied dimly. "Anyway, Zelos always looked after me, but when he went away, I didn't want to be alone."

"Okay, let me get this straight," Sheena said, putting the pieces together. "You felt scared, being alone, so you decided to join a war."

"She's a Wilder alright," Kratos concluded.

Zelos then had a realization. "Wait a minute; she was the one who was tapping!"

"Duh," Sheena said.

"Yeah," Seles added. "I was wondering why you guys didn't answer."

"None of us know Morse Code," Sheena explained. "It's outdated."

"Don't you mean old school?" she chuckled.

"No, don't you get it?" Zelos cut in. "If she was the one tapping, then… what happened to Presea?"

Two hours earlier

As Emil ran back to his Base, Presea peeked out from behind the boulder. "A baby?" he called out, dashing out from cover. "Wait up, I wanna see!"

"Presea, get back here!" Kratos bellowed. "Wait for the ship!"

Presea stopped in the middle of the canyon and whirled round. "But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here," she called out. "It's coming all the way from Tethe'alla HQ. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!"

The next thing she knew, there was a loud whooshing noise, she felt something heavy hitting her head and suddenly she was falling through pitch darkness, screaming all the way.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

As he fell, she caught glimpses of rocky spires and glowing lights before hitting the ground with a great thud.

"Ow…" she groaned before blacking out.