Due to a surplus of plot bunnies, look how fast I got another up! Yay! And yes, this is another complete crack oneshot. A slightly shippy one. I'm actually not sorry.

Enjoy!

Dance

"This is a joke," Roy Mustang said flatly. "This is a huge joke and you are just waiting for me to fall for it so you can laugh at me."

Instead of showing any signs of being caught, or even flying into a self-defensive rage (as Roy seriously would have preferred), Edward Elric only grit his teeth and turned a most spectacular shade of scarlet, muttering angrily under his breath and gripping the sofa in Mustang's office hard enough to warrant tearing.

"I'm not-grrrr-joking you bastard."

"You're serious," Roy said in disbelief. "You're actually serious." He turned to Alphonse, hoping the younger, saner Elric would magically put the world back on its axis. "He's serious?"

"Yes, sir," Alphonse replied cheerfully. Roy was a hundred percent sure that if the boy had his body back right now there would be a demonic smirk painting its features.

Planting his palms on his desk he leaned back in his chair, rallying his thoughts. Normally, this would simply be too good, too good not to tease the life out of his subordinate. But this case was simply too astounding.

"You want me to teach you…how to dance?"

Ed blushed deeper, if it were even possible, his face narrowing into a scowl.

"Yes, you damn bast-"

"Brother!"

"-you idiot."

Alphonse sighed. Roy didn't even register the insult, so completely baffled by the situation he was.

"And why, in the name of all that is good on this earth, would you want me to teach you that?!"

Ed shifted awkwardly, as if to bury himself in the sofa. "Well…you know that stupid military ball they have coming up…"

Yes, Roy knew about the military ball. That stupid military ball indeed. His womanizing reputation was throwing a real wrench in his plans to avoid any and all females hoping for a ball invitation, save one blonde-haired sniper who would either grudgingly accept if he invited her or shoot him point blank.

"Well Win-this girl is in town, so…so…."Ed took a deep breath, then burst out "IwasgoingtoaskherandIdon'tknowhowtodancepleasehelp."

Roy stared.

Ed continued his attempts to become one with the sofa.

Alphonse continued his invisible smirk.

Roy tried. He really, really tried, with all the effort he had. But the full gravity of the situation came in and smacked him in the face and he just couldn't help it.

"HA!" he exploded with laughter. "AHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Shut UP!" Roy's laughter quickly warped into a shriek as Ed sprang over the desk, tackling them both to the ground.

"Brother!" Alphonse cried as he ran over, desperately trying to pull the two alchemists apart. He grabbed Ed and lifted him, leaving him dangling in the air, swinging wildly as he attempted to punch Roy, who was still lying on the floor, desperately stifling his laughter.

"-SAY ANYTHING ELSE AND I'LL KNOCK YOUR PATHETIC FACE SO HARD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE STRAIGHT FOR A MONTH YOU UGLY, MORONIC-"

"Okay, I'll teach you."

"-WOMANIZING BAST-hehhhhh?"

"I said, yes, Fullmetal, I will teach you how to dance." Roy repeated as he stood, brushing his uniform.

He nearly fell apart again at the look on Ed's face.

"You-what-wait-aghh?"

"Well, we certainly can't have you humiliating Miss Rockbell at the ball, can we?"

"Really? Um, okay…" Ed trailed off, looking dazed. Roy's words registered and his face turned red again. "WAIT, WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU I WAS ASKING WINRY?!"

Riza Hawkeye arrived back at Eastern Command from her lunch break in surprisingly good spirits, a direct contrast to the men following her up the stairs.

"We could've made it back on time, Hawkeye," Breda muttered.

"Yeah, you didn't have to go pulling a gun out on us!" Havoc exclaimed.

"May I remind you that the last fifty times you tried to trip Major Farthing into the food counter it only ended in disastrous failure and several considerably unhappy officials?" Riza clipped out as they made their way to the office.

"But he's a jerk!" Havoc defended.

"And Colonel Mustang gave us permission!" Fuery added.

"Oh he did, did he?" Riza asked, eyebrows narrowing dangerously.

"Um…maybe?" Fuery backtracked, suddenly afraid for his superior's life.

"Well he should know better," Riza sighed as she opened the door to the office. "It's about time he started taking things seriousl-" she frowned. "Wait. Is that…"

"Music?" Falman finished.

The group stared at their superior's closed door, the sounds of a traditional waltz wafting past. And scattered among the gentle tempo…

"OUCH! Fullmetal, you're supposed to be leading me, not trampling my feet!"

"Well I'm sorry, Colonel Bastard, it would be easier if you weren't so damn stiff!"

"I'm not stiff! You're the one imitating a plank of wood!"

"Well maybe if you didn't suck so much playing the woman-"

"I'm sorry, Fullmetal, I simply must not have had as much practice as you-"

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!"

Riza cracked open the door, the rest of the team crowding behind her. What she saw made her seriously wonder if she had failed to get up this morning and was still in bed dreaming.

"What the heck?" Havoc muttered, cigarette falling from his mouth.

Inside the Colonel's office, both sofas had been pushed away to create an open space, in which, wonder of wonders, the brilliantly renowned Flame Alchemist and Fullmetal Alchemist were…dancing?

"Wow, they kinda suck," Breda muttered, snorting as Roy's face tightened in pain as Ed stamped down on his foot with unnecessary force.

"I know, right?" the team jumped as Alphonse laughed softly from his position against the wall next to the door.

"How long have they been at this?" Riza asked the younger Elric, still not entirely believing what she was seeing.

"About half an hour now. I think they've forgotten that the point of the dance isn't to kill each other, though," Alphonse said, smile evident in his voice.

"Oh, this is too good," Havoc said as he smirked. "Fuery, where's the camera?"

"Already on it," the young sergeant grinned as he aimed the camera at the dancing pair. Breda and Falman tried to strangle their snickers as Riza rolled her eyes.

Immature as it was, though…she gazed at the two ridiculous alchemists, awkwardly stepping around the room, occasionally yelling out insults at each other. Despite the normal hostility, it was the most relaxed she'd seen the two in months. In fact, with Roy desperately trying to teach Ed some semblance of dancing, they looked a bit like family. A very messed-up, profane family, but a family nonetheless. She felt her own mouth turn up in a smile as she watched Roy hide another grin as Ed turned scarlet. Her messed-up family.

And then the flash of the camera went off.

The two dancers froze, staring at each other in horror. Roy's expression tightened as he slowly turned towards the door.

"Fuery…" he growled out, voice dangerously low.

"Oh, um, hello, Colonel!" Fuery squeaked, shoving the camera behind his back.

Ed's face darkened as a menacing expression took over.

Roy squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a minute, then opened them, facing his men wearily.

"If you would all just-"

"Oh no, boss, continue," Havoc smirked, apparently suddenly having developed a suicidal impulse. "You guys were doing great. Beautiful impressions of dancing elephants in love."

Ed made a strangled sound. Roy's hands slid into his pockets. Riza and Alphonse took a long step back.

"Colonel…" Ed growled, glaring daggers at the four men standing in the doorway.

"Attack on three?" Roy answered, pulling on his gloves.

"Hell yeah," Ed grinned evilly.

The four men swallowed.

Three seconds later, screaming rang down the halls of Eastern Command as Havoc, Breda, Fuery and Falman sprinted away from the wall of flames and jagged spikes that came flying after them.

"IT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS TO ACTUALLY KILL US YOU KNOW!" Havoc shrieked at the two incensed alchemists.

Back in the office, Riza rolled her eyes, wearily sinking into the sofa.

"Idiots," she muttered.

"Definitely," Alphonse agreed, joining her with a clank. "Not to mention I've already got quality evidence." The boy waved a camera of his own cheerfully. "Want to go get these developed?"

Remembering the way Ed and Roy looked as they stepped around each other clumsily, Riza grinned.

"Sure, Alphonse."