I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist so stop suing me already.
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"I think I heard you wrong. Could you repeat yourself?"

"They want proof that I'm really a female," Ed explained. "Well, who ever heard of a pregnant man? So..."

By now Mustang's eye was beginning to twitch. "Ed, I don't think you're thinking clearly," he said. "You're under a lot of stress, maybe you should go home and rest."

Ed shook her head slowly. "I'm out of options," she stated. "I don't have a choice. If I don't get pregnant, then it's no more State Alchemist for me."

"And tell me, what would the military want with a pregnant girl? You won't be able to fight."

"I don't even remember the last time I was sent on a mission that involved fighting anyway. I can still do research, that's all I really need to do."

"And I thought you hated me."

Ed had to think about this one for a minute. "Well, that's true," she said, "but that doesn't change the fact that you're the only one who knows my secret."

For a moment Mustang tried to think of another argument, but he had had quite enough of this. "Look, just get out of my house," he said, shoving Ed out the door.

The next morning, Mustang was seated behind his desk, as always. Into the room walked who else but Ed. Mustang looked up from his paperwork as she approached. Placing both hands on the desk she announced, "I'm not giving up that easily."

"I told you last night, Ed," Mustang stated flatly, "I'm not going to..."

She held up a hand to silence him. "Now, you might want to hold that thought," she said, raising her other hand to her shoulder. "After all,you haven'tconsidered evetything yet," she added with a smirk as she began to pull at the cloth, revealing some more flesh.

"Colonel!"

Just in time, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc hurried into the room as Ed ceased this action. "I have a mess...age..." he blinked a few times, looking quite confused. "Whoa, Ed, that's a new look for you."

Ed, resisting the urge to punch him, muttered "idiot" under her breath.

Mustang ignored this. "What is it, Havoc?"

"Huh? Oh, right. I've got a message from the Fuhrer."

"In that case..." both stopped and looked at Ed.

"Sorry, Ed," Havoc said, "but this is for the Colonel's ears only."

"Fine," she replied dismissively as she walked out the door. "I was leaving anyway."

A short distance from the office, she bumped into First Lieutenant RizaHawkeye. "Huh? Ed? Is something wrong?" Hawkeye asked.

She didn't sound at all surprised by Ed's appearance, and Ed supposed that Mustang had told her. Well, it wasn't as though she wouldn't have found out anyway. "It's nothing," Ed said, continuing on her way. It was time to come up with a plan.

"He was last seen in this area..."

There seemed to have been a rash of disappearances lately. Ordinarily this wouldn't have been a problem for Mustang, but well over half those missing were military personnel, and now Mustang had been assigned to lead the investigation. Now they were on the scene of the latest disappearance, and Mustang's subordinates were combing every inch of the area in search of anything, even one rock out of place. This was not the time to disturb Mustang at all.

As Ed approached, Mustang wondered if that was why she was about to.

Honestly, Ed had no idea Mustang would be there. She would never dream of interfering with a military investigation. It was too bad she didn't know this was a military investigation. "Oh, hi, Mustang!" she called out, rather loudly.

Without turning, Mustang put hishand to her forehead. "Ed, this is very important so please go..." here he paused. He was sure this was where her forehead should be. So why didn't it feel like her forehead? He gave it an experimental push, and Ed cleared her throat. Mustang turned and looked down.

She was standing on a stepladder and grinning just a little. The reason it hadn't felt like her forehead was that it was her breast.

Everyone present seemed to be holding their breath, watching to see what would happen. They didn't have to wait long. "Ed, GET OUT OF HERE!" Mustang yelled, snapping his fingers and incinerating the stepladder. With a small yelp of surprise, Ed hurried away. Mustang sighed, rubbing his forehead, as he turned back to his subodinates and noticed that they were still staring. "Well, what are you waiting for? Get back to work," he ordered.

The next two days were a living hell for Mustang.

Ed simply did not give up, and Mustang was beginning to suspect that she was trying to torture him more than anything else. The missing persons investigation had hit a dead end. And the paperwork! Even before it had seemed as though all Mustang ever did was paperwork. Paperwork all day every day. But in the last week, the amount piling up on his desk had at least tripled.

And that is why Mustang now sat quietly in a bar on the south side of Central. As he drained yet another beer, he got the vague impression there was something else he should be doing.

Hawkeye scanned the room once more. "Where is he?" she asked herself before stepping outside and locating the nearest pay phone.

Aftea few rings, she heard a click, followed by Ed's voice. "Yeah? Who is this?"

"Ed, it's me, Lieutenant Hawkeye. Listen, have you seen Mustang anywhere?"

In her apartment, Ed blinked. "Uh, no... why do you ask?"

"Well, it's..." Hawkeye was slightly embarrassed to say it but it wasn't really a secret, "we were supposed to meet... for dinner... a, well... listen, can you help me find him?"

Ed felt a twinge of some undefinable emotion upon hearing this. "Uh, yeah, sure," she said after a moment of silence. "Leave it to me, I'll track him down."

"We were supposed to meet at a restaurant on the north end of town, so I'll look aroundthe area. You take the south end. I'm counting on you."

Click.

Ed stared at the phone for a moment before gently placing it back on its cradle. "I'll find him for sure." Then, without another word she dashed out the door.

It was about now that a completely inebriated Mustangrose to his feet and strode toward the door. Well, he wanted to stride toward the door, but it would be more accurate to say that he staggered toward the door. Actually, he didn't stagger toward the door. He staggered toward a particularly large bar patron and slammed right into him.

"Heys, watch wheres yous goins theres," said the other man.

"Sorry about that, my good man," Mustang slurred. "I'm just... I'm just so confused."

"Is thats a fact?" the portly fellow asked. "Well, whys donts yas tells me alls abouts it."

"Well, you see," Mustang began, his words scarcely intelligible through the thick liquorese accent, "it started about five, six weeks ago..."

Ed had been all over the south side of town and there was no sign of Mustang at all. "Maybe Hawkeye's found him," she said to herself, leaning against a lamppost. She stared emptily at the building across the street. After some time, she turned to go, then stopped. It could have been anyone, but she thought she saw someone in a military uniform through the window, slumped over on a counter. She hurried over to the door and wrenched it open, only to find her path blocked.

"How old are you, miss?" asked the man standing in the doorway.

"I'm sixteen," she replied, "why, what's it to you?"

"You can't set foot in this bar unless you're twenty-one, or accompanied by someone who is."

Ed swore under her breath. "But my uncle's in there," she lied. "If you'll just let me in I'll stick close to him."

"Sorry, but unless your uncle comes and gets you, you're staying out here."

"Damn."She turned and started to walk away from the bar. but someone called out to her.

"Heys, is this whos yours lookins fors?"

Ed looked back to see a fat man with bare arms supporting an unconscious Mustang.

"He passed outs halfways throughs tellins me his life story." He set Mustang down gently. "Yous better takes hims homes."

Ed took a moment to reply. "Um, thank you," she said hastily, shouldering the weight of Mustang. "I guess we'll be going now."

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Futurama also doesn't belong to me, for those of you who were wondering.