Practically nowhere

Fireside Girls' rustic Clubhouse

Ginger Hirano gave her coded knock at the door and stepped inside. Most of the regulars were there already, but she was happy to see she wasn't the last to arrive.

"What's up?" she asked expectantly.

"Deciding what to do," Adyson replied.

"The Chief's not here yet," Gretchen added.

"We can get patches on our own," she said, "and we're not going to see what Phineas and Ferb are up to."

"Oh, I know," Ginger interjected excitedly, "We can see what Baljeet is up to!"

"Oh for the …" Adyson began.

"It's something," said Millie, "I'm bored."

"Oh fine then," Adyson agreed and the troop headed to Baljeet's home. They found him in his backyard working furiously over a large piece of notepaper covered in equations and partial schematics.

The girls watched him for a few moments while he wrote and erased and rewrote esoteric symbols on various sections of the sheet. Finally they all turned and looked at Ginger.

"Uh, what's up?" she asked hopefully. He blinked and looked at the troop with some surprise.

"I am endeavouring to work out the quantum mechanics for a practical time machine — Phineas and Ferb have apparently already used one with out my help so I will use my own with out them."

"Oh we can help with that then!" she said noticeably happier.

"You can? But this is highly advanced quantum physics."

"Sure," said Gretchen, "it's right here in the Time Travel section of the Fireside Girls handbook."

"There is a Time Travel section in your handbook?"

"Right here," she said, pulling out her copy and flipping to the section for him.

"And this works?" he asked with a slight facial tick starting to affect his right eye.

"Of course," scoffed Adyson, "that's how we built the time machine to go get Phineas and Ferb back from the Cretaceous."

"You went to the Cretaceous. With Phineas and Ferb. And hung out with dinosaurs."

"Yes."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaa!" he screamed inarticulately, grabbed the worksheet and balled it up, tossed it in the air, and stamped into the house.

Catching the wad of paper, Gretchen flattened it out and compared it to her open handbook, "Too bad, he was only a couple of days away too."

Ginger took it and folded it up neatly. "Maybe he'll want to work on it again later." The girls exchanged dubious glances.

"Well, that was so not worth it," Adyson concluded and led the way back toward the clubhouse.

On the way back, Katie caught up with them, "Did I miss anything?" she asked a despondent Ginger.

"Not really," stated Millie.

"Oh there's Isabella," said Hollie and waved.

"Hi troop, watcha do-in'?"

"Just patch-hunting Chief," said Gretchen, "watcha got for us?"

"I was just going to put this wooly mammoth tusk and viking helmet in our clubhouse," she said holding them out, "and get my handbook — there's some kids who need our help."

"Not Phineas and Ferb?" Adyson enquired skeptically.

"Strangely enough no — and coincidentally it involves time travel."

"Coincidentally that's our theme for today," Millie added, causing Ginger's face to fall even further.

"Okay, Ginger and Katie, take these back to the clubhouse and meet us at the museum," Gretchen ordered passing the tusk and helmet to them, "I've got the handbook, so let's go people — time's a-wasting."

"Oh, for …" Adyson sputtered, "It's time travel — it's not like it's urgent." Then she hurried after the troop.

Nowhere Practical

"Why did you recombine the car?" Xavier asked, "it's not charged up enough since the last split yet."

"Mom did," said Fred.

Looking around he realized his mother had already spiralled away into the swirling rainbow void. "Wow, I hope she's okay."

Pulling and turning the car's wheel seemed to have no effect, although the random colours pulsed and twisted differently. "I guess it's harder to tell where you're going without anything trying to stop you," Xavier noted, "hard to tell where you are too. I think the temporal stabilizer got shorted out."

"I'm sitting under this satellite dish," Fred observed philosophically.

"I'm sitting next to you," Xavier admitted leaning back. For an indeterminate amount of time they both sat and watched the light show unreality put on as their vehicle followed the path of least resistance.

Danville Museum of Natural History — 27,000 B.C.E.

Isabella looked around frantically — the time machine sat solidly on top of a low grassy rise in a foggy plain. Near at hand a menacing glacier loomed over the field. Scattered all around were a variety of huge bones, many half buried in the soggy earth. She held back tears as an overwhelming sense of horror swept over her. «He trusted me and I've let him down — he'll never trust me again.»

She'd already realized that this was the machine she and her troop had built. It had looked like the original, but they'd hurried — no spatial controls, no internal power source. It was fine while the museum was around it, but she'd gone too far back in time, so now it was unplugged, and there was nothing — and from the look of things, nowhere — to plug it in. She checked the clockwork dial — being mechanical it's readout still worked even without power: 29,000 years in the past. That meant it was pretty unlikely that she'd be able to do anything about an outlet any time soon.

She wasn't actually worried about getting back. In a few years or so she could figure out some way of charging it she was sure, although it would have helped a lot if she'd brought her Fireside Girl's Handbook. By then though she'd be older and what would Phineas think then — of course she could just give up or the machine might be destroyed before she could power it. That horrified her even more — then Phineas would have to come and get her! She had no doubt that he would if she wasn't there when he got back to the museum — he'd find a way, it didn't matter how — but he'd never see her as a companion again; she'd have become a liability, nothing could ever be the same and everything she'd ever dreamed of would be crushed. She blinked and stared up into the swirling mist, "No crushing!" She looked around, half afraid Phineas would step into the visible area around the machine, but it was thankfully devoid of life. There was still time to fix things on her own.

She sat glumly for a while longer contemplating her situation. Idly her gaze fell on the menacing wall of ice. «Nah, too glacial,» she decided.

There wasn't anything else she could think of that didn't involve access to tools she didn't have, or at least her handbook for possible alternatives, but she was loathe to actually step out of the machine to look around; it seemed too much like breaking the final bond of trust. In any event, she told herself, even nearly 30,000 years in the past this was still Danville, and you never knew what would just fall out of the sky.

A few moments later a two-person bumper car appeared with a soft pop and a dull flash and skipped over the surrounding turf like surf, scattering bones and debris in all directions until coming to rest at the foot of the knoll in front of her. Two kids who looked to be not much younger than she was stared back at her.

"Close enough," she observed, picking up the tusks that their entrance had tossed in her lap. «Oh, wooly mammoth graveyard,» she thought, and set them down behind her.

The boys looked at each other then stared up at her in silence.

"Watcha do-in'?"

The boys looked at each other again, their expressions becoming slightly horrified. "Nothing," Fred offered.

"Nothing? Yeah, me too," she agreed. If these kids weren't going say anything then Phineas wouldn't hear about it from her either. "I don't suppose you have a spare outlet on that?" she asked, "My power's gone missing," mentally adding, «by a few thousand years.»

"Uh, sure," said Xavier, prodding under the dashboard console, "we've got power, but I think our guidance system's burned out — do you know where, uh, and when we are?"

"Oh, Danville about 27,000 BC. How did you get here then?" she wondered, "I just got here myself."

"Must have fallen down your wake when we lost control I guess."

"Can you get home?" she worried, "I'm Isabella by the way."

"Maybe," Fred said looking a bit worried himself, "uh, I'm Fred?"

"And I'm sitting next to him," Xavier agreed.

"Well, if you can give me a boost I can tow you — in time at least — this thing can haul a dinosaur with enough power, but it's sorta limited about where," she said ignoring the obfuscation.

"Cool."

The boys hopped out and opened a panel at the back of the car. It had it's own re-generator, but they were going to need more power than it could supply quickly, so they gathered some suitable materials to use as fuel. Isabella reeled in the power cord and examined it critically, while they finished up and returned to their seats.

"I think this should work as a tether, but will it plug into your system?" she asked.

"Sure, Fred's got a universal power adaptor."

"I'm sitting on it," Fred said, pulling an odd shaped attachment from under the seat. She tossed the cord to them and Fred attached it to their car. The time machine hummed faintly and Isabella threw the lever forward.

28,000 years later

The time machine spun around and, as the tether released, whipped the bumper car across a clearing and off a cliff. Isabella looked after it in horror, but a moment later it reappeared and glided back next to her.

"That was fun," said Xavier, "but I don't think this is the right place?"

"No," she agreed looking at her dials, "it's around 1000 CE — which is better but not right, and the machine shouldn't have moved, but that cliff shouldn't be there either."

Xavier examined the dashboard looking crestfallen, "I think it's us," he admitted, "the car moves in five dimensions, and it's supposed to be bumpy — you know: bumper car — so I guess it towed you a bit too … if it's on and moving it's gonna to be sorta random..."

"But it needs to be on for power," Fred added dejectedly, "we may not be able to get much closer to home."

"It might help if we knew where we are," she said, "all I can tell is when."

"We could ask him," Xavier suggested pointing to a young blonde boy wearing furry clothes and a horned helmet who was watching them from a few yards away.

«Jeg føler meg ikke så bra …» observed the kid and fell over.

"Well," said Isabella straightening her dress, "I don't like the sound of that." It looked like this would be the time to put her First Aid Patch to good use and she could still watch the machine from there, so she hopped down and went over to the boy along with Xavier. He was moaning as she did an initial assessment and looked rather pale — almost green.

"He's burning up — but if we can't talk to him …"

"Fred's got a universal translator," Xavier said.

"I was sitting on it," agreed Fred, opening the storage compartment under the car's seat.

"He collects stuff," Xavier added in response to the look Isabella gave him.

The translator turned out to be a skullcap with headphones and a small speaker on top. The problem was that it wouldn't fit over the kid's helmet, and ill or not he seemed willing to fight to the death not to take that off.

"One of us could wear it," Isabella pondered, "but then we'd have to interpret and since we already understand each other it would be a waste of time. He really should wear it."

"What's he so upset about?" wondered Xavier, "It's just a stupid hat with big horns."

"Yeah," agreed Fred, "a big ho… er, maybe he's bald..." he concluded under Isabella's glare.

"It must be some sort of cultural thing," she decided, "A symbol of …"

She looked at the two boys watching her expectantly, "Of how big — Oh, I know!"

Going back to the time machine she retrieved the mammoth tusks. "Now if you have any glue or wire?" she asked hopefully.

"Fred's got a wood & steel fusing tool," said Xavier, "that should work for ivory too."

"It's a spare," Fred added handing it over.

Taking the two bigger tusks she welded them to the band connecting the translator's earpieces and held it up. The tusks were large, mismatched and oddly curved, but it formed a crude approximation of a helmet.

"Wow," Fred exclaimed, "that's one hor… er, horribly er, well-decorated hat."

Isabella put the now lopsided headgear on and knelt by the semi-conscious youngster, "Hi, how are you feeling?"

The translator cancelled her words and provided a tinny sounding interpretation from its speaker. The boy's eyes open and he stared at her in awe.

"Oooh, are you going to take me to Valhalla Miss Valkyrie?"

"Well first you need a better helmet," she smiled, "want to trade?"

His eyes widened, and he swapped with her without hesitation. Now that he was more awake he looked at her more closely.

"Aren't you a little young to be a Valkyrie?" he asked, the speaker's words not matching the movement of his lips.

"Yes, yes I am," she replied, "Aren't you a little young to be going to Valhalla?"

"No," the speaker intoned sullenly, "No I'm not."

"Okay, what's your name?" she asked.

"Shouldn't you already know?"

"It's procedure," she insisted.

"Leif."

"I thought he looked a little green," remarked Fred drawing a withering stare from Isabella.

"And where are you from," she continued.

"Dånskdømtville," he replied, "down there," pointing toward the cliff edge and promptly passed out.

Isabella and the boys went to the far edge of the cliff and looked down at a burning village in the distance.

"Well, that's not good."

"Let's check the universal library," suggested Xavier, returning to the bumper car. He pushed a button on the dash and intoned "Dånskdømtville."

"Oh, future," Isabella noted.

= Dånskdømtville — doomed viking outpost in present-day Drüsselstein — after an outbreak of smallpox at the turn of the millennium it was burned to the ground by an angry mob =

"Well, that's not good." They all stared at the unconscious Leif.

"We've all been exposed," Isabella pointed out, "Smallpox was wiped out ages ago in our time so no one has any immunity. The vaccine will work if we get it soon though, but your machine could land anywhere so we have to fix this before you go anywhere."

"How do you know all that?" asked Xavier.

"Infectious diseases patch," she replied, "Oh, I know! I read that when the Danville Natural History Museum opened they had a week long vaccination clinic there — but how do we get back there?"

"We're okay if it's just space," said Xavier, "then we can see where we're steering. And we're fast."

"What about the shrub?" Fred asked. All three turned and looked at the little viking.

"We can't just leave him here," Isabella decided, "He comes with us and we'll decide what to do when we've got everything else sorted out. But can you haul everything with just your car? Mine only moves on time."

"Oh yeah," Xavier assured her, "It's five dimensional — space, time and possibility — so it might be here, and," he continued, pushing the large button on the dash, "it might be there too." An identical car appeared next to it.

"You just don't want to sit on the same side in case they might be in the same place," said Fred.

With two cars to gather supplies, and the fusing tool for constriction, they quickly built a raft under the time machine's struts and hooked the bumper cars to either side. Isabella sat in the Victorian device with the comatose Leif and the trip went surprisingly quickly and without incident — aside from a moment when the boy stirred momentarily, looked at her, at the clouds below, muttered Ride of the Valkyries and promptly passed out again. As they approached the future Tri-State area, she re-certified her Local Geography Patch by directing the placement of the machine precisely where it would be a thousand years later.

"Okay, we're ready," she said, "When the machine is charged, uncouple it and stand back so you don't get pulled along. I'll stop at the clinic and get the vaccine — then I'll get the tools and stuff to fix your navigation and be back right away — it is a time machine after all." Of course she'd pick up Phineas and Ferb too, but she'd rather they didn't know the extent of the adventure her brief trip to Phineasland had started her on — and although it would have normally annoyed her, she knew she could slip away easily without them noticing once they were back to their own time.

The machine glowed with a violet light and disappeared, The boys had put their catatonic companion against a nearby tree, and now sat next to him to wait.

"Hasn't changed much," Xavier remarked.

"Taller," Fred pointed out, "Should have used self-repairing chips in the navigation."

"Mom's stuff's all old school — and Amanda woulda freaked if we'd touched hers."

"Yeah."

"Gurgle," Leif agreed.