Friday, July 01, 2005

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 2

Her Pain

"What are you talking about?"

"You are a kind person at heart. At least I'm sure you would be if the only thing you had been taught from your birth hadn't been the way to kill. For someone like you… no… for anyone to have to go through what you've been through isn't right? How can someone like me even begin to empathize with you? Nothing I could imagine could compare to the pain you've been through, and… it's just not right. I want to protect you. I wish I had the strength to."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused. My tears drying up.

"Someone as young as you should be looking ahead at the dreams he's going to accomplish when's he's older. Not waking up each day, knowing that your only mission is to fight to the death. It's not right. I want you to have dreams. And I want to protect them. You deserve that much from at least one person."

"Yeah? But what would be the point. Because in my case, they would all be forbidden dreams. My forbidden dreams."

It's strange… when the symptoms cleared I found myself looking for her. For what reason, I'm not quite sure… but I felt desperate for her touch, or her voice… Comfort I guess is what I was after, but I couldn't be quite sure myself. And then again, after returning from another Test Run, she was there again. Sweaty and tired… panting… but there… And when I heard her voice… I thought my heart would grow wings and fly…

"Are you okay?" she asked running towards me. What did I look like? I was shivering uncontrollably, clenching my fists together as I leaned against the wall. She didn't need a response. "How awful…" she said quietly. She reached out and touched my forehead. I could tell she was going to start asking me questions I didn't want to hear, and since I was in no mood to talk, I croaked out, "…You?"

"Me?"

"Childhood…"

"What was my childhood like?" she asked. I nodded, some what. "Hard. My parents, well, they never really…" She sounded like she was tearing up.

"I'm sorry…" she gasped a minute later in which she banged her head against the wall. "I'm such a wuss. Crying and compared to yours my life has been a piece of cake…" For some reason, unbeknownst to myself, I found myself reaching out and stopping her. Her head tilted in my hand. And then, she let out a loud sob and threw herself into me. What the hell?

"My parents never really loved me…" she gasped. "I always knew it, and they made sure I knew. They hated me with every fiber in their bodies. I was always so alone. When I was seven, they finally couldn't take it anymore and they abandoned me. We went on a trip, and I had to use… the bathroom…" a loud cry echoed through the room, "and when I came out… they were gone!" She cried for a bit. Her fingers dragging down my chest as her shoulders shook. My own fingers clutched at the bed sheets beneath me, begging for some kind of release.

"I wondered around on my own a bit. Walked alone for months and months. I starved most of the time, occasionally, I'd beg and someone would give me food and shelter for a night or two. But finally, a pack of war orphans took me in with them. And I stole to survive… But occasionally… I saw them… again… My parents… the last thing my mother ever said to me was, 'Why haven't you died yet?' And then my father slapped me." She slid off my chest and laid over my legs as she cried into the bed sheet. I looked at her.

"Why didn't you stay with your other relatives?"

"Hated… by all of them… except my oldest cousin. He took me in for a while when he saw me stealing from a cart. Caught me, dragged me home, wore me out. And then, he and his wife treated me like their own kid. They already had two… And they were all killed… Blown up in the night, during an attack. And then I was on my own again," she gasped. She dragged herself over my legs and rolled off the bed onto the floor. Which I thought was pretty pathetic behavior, but I felt the least I could do, after she'd listen to me, was listen to her, or at least pretend too. "I was always an unwanted child. Last I heard, mom and dad had another kid seven years ago, and they're all happy. I'm nothing but a mere unwanted memory."

"Uh, that must have been… rough?" I offered.

"I've never had anyone," she said getting on her knees so she could see me better. "I've never been loved by anyone before. Nobody cared about me. I could die and no one would notice! I deserve to be in that mobile suit more than you. I have nothing. You, at least, would have something. You're obviously well educated even if you were a child soldier. I never had that opportunity."

"Hmmm… sorry?" God, I wasn't helping. I couldn't be.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Shani," I replied.

"Shani… tell me something… truthfully… have you ever wanted someone to love you?"

"No, I never really think about that stuff," I shrugged.

"You don't ever feel alone?" she asked.

"I guess… I don't dwell on this kind of thing." I had a feeling I was messing up bad.

She reached out, her hands touching my face. "Shani, will you be my friend?"

"Friend? What for?"

"I don't have any. My only other friends were the war orphans I ran around with… and… they were either all adopted… or killed. So please? I'll be yours. I really want you to be my friend."

"I guess." What could I say? When she sounded so sad and desperate… something I always felt inside. I suddenly had a feeling that it was her dreams, however forbidden they might be, I wanted to protect.

The door slid open. "Who the hell are you?" a familiar voice asked. Kuroto, and Orga, obviously about to go through withdrawal.

"I'm… I'm… sorry!" she exclaimed yanking her hands from my face. "I, um, got lost. Didn't put my contacts in this morning. Can't see. I… I thought he was my friend." She sounded kind of sad when she said the last part.

"You know who that is right?" Orga asked.

"Um… Greg?" she offered.

"Shani Andras, Forbidden's pilot," he replied.

"Oh," she said standing. I could hear her backing away from my bed. "I… didn't know. I'm sorry… I, uh… guess I'm lost?" She laughed a small silent laugh, coated with disappointment and sadness. "I'll go." She headed towards the door.

Kuroto called after her, "Don't come back… bitch." With the sudden increase in her footsteps I knew she was running, the door sliding shut behind her, tears probably falling before she'd even left the room. I felt my anger building. Kuroto… and Orga… and with yells of pain, they both sank into their withdrawals, and I hid a smile. That pain would not be half the pain I wanted them to feel.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

What did you think? Stupid? Weird? Interesting? If you want a romance, I can work that out. So, I hope you liked that chapter, and I hope you'll leave me a review!

ebacusta