This story takes place shortly after Clockwork Prince (the second book in the series) and includes spoilers. So if you haven't read it yet, please don't read this…I don't want to be responsible for ruining an absolutely amazing book for you! And it is, indeed, amazing. Now, on to the story; another kind of window/weird insight into the life of Shadowhunter Terri shortly after some romantic interlude between Tessa and Jem. There aren't really any make-out sessions as promised by the first chapter that I wrote nearly a year and a half ago *wince*, so sorry I guess...? Please note that this was written during Algebra II, and I've only made some basic edits that might be rendered useless by the typo monster. So, enjoy, I guess!
It stung, really, that Will hadn't come to her first, to explain what was going on. Part of that resentment, she accepted, was really just runoff from something that wasn't his fault, albeit something she wouldn't have had to know for at least another few hours if he hadn't come to her shortly after the first to listen to his confessions sent him reeling, gray and overcast like the sullen sky. It was quite Will-ish of him, really, the whole sullen gloominess, so she hadn't paid it much heed.
But as he had explained to her the false curse, his demeanor had darkened and in the back of her mind had whispered a persistent, urgent voice telling her to run. It had scared her more than any demon ever had, but since she couldn't place why, couldn't explain the reasoning behind it, she shoved it to the back of her mind until she could confront it later.
And then it exploded form where she thought she had contained it, ravaging her mind before leaving the burning husk behind.
"Tessa—" his voice broke on her name, although it had so far remained strong, "has agreed to marry Jem."
It took a moment to understand what he had said, and once she had worked through it she was fairly certain that the tight feeling in her chest wasn't going to remain apathy for long. Her eyes bored into his, shocked, wide, unblinking, and for probably the first time in her life, completely unguarded. Had Will not been equally as decimated he might well have read into the innermost corners of her mind; as it was, his thoughts were just as open to scrutiny, her guard blown over by the gale of information. Wills gaze matched hers, staring at her with the desperation of a drowning man. It was as if he was asking her to save him, to save them, from this love that to them was truly a demon; maybe that's what anything was, really. Beautiful only in the eye of the one not shunned, the one not pushed aside.
A burst of air forced its way out of her chest in a huff, breaking something as it went. Her control? Her heart?
"What do you want from me?" The words moved her lips almost without her conscious decision, the serpentine notes sliding out and twisting in the air, venomous, soft, deadly. Her face twisted into an almost sneer and a part of her reveled in the release of emotion. "Relief? A replacement for Tessa? It's not going to happen, Will. You blew your chance, and that's it, you've ruined everything for both of us. Do you have any idea—".
The hurt on his face stopped her, as did his open shock. Retaliation was his weapon, not hers, but she had proved adept at it's usage.
"I'm sorry" she whispered, turning her face downwards. Shame made the tears come, as anger had pushed them away. "It's not your fault."
'You explode when you feel something because you need to protect people from you, from your curse. I do it to hurt them, to see the pain I'm feeling reflected back on me a thousand times over until it feels diminished, until I can stand it. What does that say about me? I don't deserve Jem- don't deserve to be his, when his best friend is a better person than I.'
A sob rose in her throat as she collapsed back onto the chair from which she could not remember rising. Se couldn't look up at Will – she knew that seeing her abject grief mirrored in his eyes would crush something vital and she would break, her foundation torn asunder. There was a hot, burning sensation in her eyes and she closed them, feeling something wet drip onto her white-knuckled hands.
It was worse, she supposed, for Will; at least she had known she would one day lose Jem, to the drug that was killing him even as it was keeping him alive. Will had only just been exposed to the hope that maybe, maybe he could have Tessa. It wasn't as if he could restart with her after Jem's death; his loyalty to his parabati would continue beyond even that. And Tessa loved him back, but couldn't bear to break Jem's heart. Not a one of them could; not her, not Tessa, not Will. So in the end, the only one who was really getting what they wanted was Jem, and he would have it the shortest time. Despite the cruelty of the thought, a laugh threatened and she clapped her hands over her face. Hysteria threatened, warring for precedence with loss and anger and tears.
"Oh, Will" she murmured thickly, rising and joining him by the window where he had moved. The muscles in his jaw worked like he was preparing to speak, but for once it seemed as if he had nothing to say. Terri leaned her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his tense figure, squeezing her eyes shut for his pain instead of her own. She cursed Jem for doing this to him, for doing this to them, even as she could not help the contraction of her heart at the thought of his name or the tingles on her skin as she imagined his face. She hated him in that minute, even as she loved him implicitly. Her hand tightened on Will's arm for a moment, seeking comfort, finding none.
"Whatever shall we do?"
And they stared in silence over the city that now seemed filled with darkness.