Chapter II. In which Chuck Norris makes a friend.
After killing literally everyone in the city of Timber, driving a greasy, rattling chainsaw into Rinoa's face and, as per his fettish, covering his penis with her lavender brains, Marvel Agent Chuck Norris was about ready to move on to greener pastures. He had been given two special universal positioning devices by the Almighty, one of which told Norris that he was in the Final Fantasy VIII universe and that, while Rinoa had simply been an unimaginative look-a-like created by the Gods known as Squaresoft ™, a Tifa Lockhart had, until recently, resided in the not-too-distant Deling City.
So after cleaning his man-meat, Chuck Norris walked to the local liquor store, a place frequented by the one-time rebellious group The Timber Owls, and stepping through the shattered storefront (he had broken some minutes earlier) and pushing aside the broken remains of the store's proprietor, he snatched up a bottle of Diesel. Chuck Norris believed it best not to cut corners when it came to anything, especially drinking heavily, and he upended the bottle into his anus. The effect was immediate and powerful, and good ole' Chucky suddenly found himself to be fucking wasted. He staggered into the main drag of Timber, now covered in the bodies of the slain, and climbed into the driver's seat of his stolen Winnebago. Putting the massive machine in gear, he slowly drove out of the city, though he became slightly nauseous due to the constant bucking motion made by the Winnebago as it went over innumerable small bumps.
What Chuck Norris didn't know is that he was being watched by a lieutenant of the ROG, (Remnants of Galbadia, an extremist right-wing organization publically led by the resuscitated corpse of James Garfield) a man named Mr. Yee. Mr. Yee had a small penis (only 3 centimeters when fully erect) and a sleek, auburn cat, but he had no sense of humor. Mr. Yee had been mocked so many times by everyone he knew (his father, mother, wife, lover, son, and doctor included) that he had been driven quite insane. He now collected the penises of famous men and, given his rank in the ROG, was permitted to do this during normal work hours. The ROG had no real agenda outside of murdering the primary characters of FVIII, so it was pretty much anyone's ballgame when it came to the abuse of power.
Which brings us back to Mr. Yee and his odd habit of cock collecting. He loved to stuff them (ala a taxidermist) and hang them on the walls of his private study (which was a hole behind a secret bookshelf in his study.) Sometimes he would put them in his mouth or his butthole, but usually he just looked at them and imagined that all of these famous dicks were his own and that he could actually penetrate his wife. As things stood now he had to bop upon his petite bologna and attempt to fire his semen into his wife's vagina. There was no real point in physical contact since insertion just wasn't possible. In fact, Mrs. Yee, who looked just a bit like Madeline Albright, had, on one memorable night of sexual displeasure, said that Mr. Yee was incapable of normal orgasm and that all he could do was simply "Yeegasm." And this had driven Mr. Yee slowly around the bend until he was as crazy as an old, syphilitic fox.
So as Chuck Norris drunkenly weaved his way out of Timber, Mr. Yee climbed aboard his Faggio ™ scooter and, listening to generic Latin Loops, sped after him. Mr. Yee had every intention of capturing Chuck Norris and taking his famous penis, so he began to summon THE TONBERRY KING, which was a powerful and irritating GF/Summon/Esper. Chuck Norris never saw it coming. One minute he was imagining plowing Miley Cyrus and the next a giant lizard-man with a lantern and a chef's knife appeared in front of him on the road. The Winnebago was sheared in half and went flying onto either side of the road. Chuck Norris, however, was unhurt, though very drunk.
THE TONBERRY KING began to walk very slowly toward Chuck Norris (moving in a grid-like sort of pattern.) Chuck Norris was fascinated and forgot that these Tonberry fuckers are not to be trusted. Mr. Yee watched in delight at the THE TONBERRY KING approached Norris, anticipating the moment in which Norris realized he should have pressed the bumper buttons on the controller of his life and attempted to run away. But that moment never came.
"TOUCH HIM NOT" screamed a man as he dropped from a passing cumulonimbus cloud. A freakish mass of man, metal and Jesus' love fell before Norris. It held in its hand a massive seventeen-barreled revolver. Norris jaw dropped because his revolver was only seven-barreled. Mr. Yee recognized this new agent and his stomach dropped into his shoes. Chuck Norris was one thing, but this man was quite another.
"Vincent Valentine! You've returned from the stockyards!" The man stared at Mr. Yee for a moment before pulling the trigger of his revolver and blowing the THE TONBERRY KING'S head right fucking off. He then reached into his pocket and removed a small box.
"Very good my friend, but the good lord knows me as Jeremiah." Mr. Yee's eyes widened as he realized the awful truth.
"You've become one of those born again Christians haven't you?" Jeremiah smiled and from the box withdrew several large nails and a hammer.
"Very good. It usually takes my prey several minutes to discover the origins of my spiritually beliefs. Please pardon me while I crucify you." Mr. Yee was paralyzed with fear. Jeremiah slowly approached the Faggio ™ scooter and, carefully dropping trow, shat on Mr. Yee's face. Even the stench of self-righteous zombie-hybrid feces couldn't shake Mr. Yee from his catatonic state of fear. Chuck Norris looked on from the ruins of the Winnebago with great interest. Jeremiah then dragged the shit-covered Mr. Yee to a large tree and crucified him there, you see. The ritual complete, Jeremiah turned to Chuck Norris.
"My friend, you should exhibit more caution before inserting bottles of grain alcohol into your rectum. You were almost killed by an extremely slow-moving creature." Norris looked between his toes for an answer to the shame that gripped his body, but none came. He had never been cowed before, but this Jeremiah possessed a beautiful power that made him feel like a young boy in a YMCA karate class.
"Right" stammered Norris. Jeremiah sheathed his seventeen-barreled revolver, undid Mr. Yee's trousers and tore off his teeny penis. He tossed the bloody organ to Norris.
"Eat this!" cried Jeremiah. Upon seeing the puzzled look in Norris' eyes, Jeremiah continued on: "By feasting on the dicks of the weak we become the strong. I have fed on the dicks of men such as Hulk Hogan, Richard Nixon, Rufus Shinra and Leo Tolstoy. Feast on the cock of your enemy and yours will grow in turn." Jeremiah whipped out his cock which was roughly the size of a mature pine. It was a force of Christian doom in of itself, a monument to Marvel and in the morning sun it shone like a diamond or a piece of scrap metal. Norris began to weep. He fell to his knees and consumed Mr. Yee's cock. Instantly he felt his own dick grow and he felt stronger. His muscles expanded, his mind sharpened and his desire intensified.
"You have taken the first step" said Jeremiah approvingly, "the next one we will take together. I know why you have come Chuck Norris and I too seek the death of William Blake and of T. Ultrachrist. But you are a stranger to these worlds and require a guide. I shall lead you to the end." Norris smiled his pearly whites and thanked goodness for this new friend.
"Where to Jeremiah?" asked Norris.
"You were right to head to Deling City, though T. Ultrachrist no longer resides there. She has moved into your world and is currently watching the LAPD beat the hell out of Rodney King. But what is in Deling City are the remains of her former husband, Jerome. He has become part man, part robin and part ox. He is known in the city as Mob-Ox and is a creature without intellect. But he has sexual powers that exceed even my own and he may be controlled if we stand together." Jeremiah extended his claw arm to Chuck Norris. "Will you come with me?" The answer was easy for Norris.
"Yes I will. My brother."