So I've decided to add to this story. It's not exactly a cohesive story, but rather, a series of related one shots. This one I wrote a year ago, but posted somewhere else. I want them all together. The next one, I wrote today. Enjoy!
She had never felt so helpless before, especially when it came to her husband. But ever since he'd told her the biggest secret that he's ever kept, he withdraws himself from each comforting gesture she offers. She reaches out to touch his shoulder, make sure he knows she's there, and he flinches away as if her touch burns his skin, and she hates it. Even just holding his hand while they drove became strange, him pulling away after a few moments, the air around them heavy with doubt and sadness.
The worst part was, she didn't think he noticed. The way his face fell when her hand fell from his shoulder, when their hands slipped apart, well it broke her heart into millions of tiny pieces. She wanted nothing more than to have her husband back.
It happened four days after he told her, in the morning, when she rolled over and lightly kissed him. She wasn't trying to prove anything, she wasn't testing him, she was just doing what had come to feel natural. He pulled away, sucking his lips into his mouth and biting down on them so that she couldn't kiss him again. She tried so hard not to react, not to push him before he was ready, but he must have seen the look in her eyes, the hurt and confusion. "What's happening?"
She breathed out a sigh of relief. At least he'd noticed the differences. "I don't know, babe. I feel so helpless."
His eyes narrowed as they met hers, the anger coming through striking a chord in her heart. "Helpless is really the word you're going with?"
It was her turn to pull away from him, his words stinging and his glare disheartening. "Yes. Helpless, inefficient, powerless. Any and all of the above." He looked away from her then, his eyes closed as he controlled his breathing. Her head was racing. Where was this coming from? What had she done wrong?
She let him sit there, let him gather his thoughts and feelings, the whole time refusing to leave the bed. "You don't look at me the same." He choked out, still not meeting her gaze. "Every time you touch me it seems stiff, like you're doing it out of obligation." He moved his head and opened his eyes, finding her steady gaze. "I can't live like that, Kate. I can't have you pity me forever."
"Baby, no." She reached for his hand, this time squeezing tight when he tried to pull away. "It's not like that at all." She wanted to caress his face, to hold him close and not let go, but now he was squeezing onto her hand too, like a lifeline between them. "I told you that this was uncharted territory, and I'm just trying to be here for you however you think you need me. I don't pity you. Castle, I feel the same way about you today that I did yesterday, and four days ago, and four weeks ago." She shook her head, taking a moment to reframe her thoughts and offer her husband another reassuring squeeze. "That's not true, I do look at you differently." His face crumpled, and she released his hand to move it to his cheek, trying to keep his eyes on her. "I admire you more, so much more than I ever realized was possible." She saw a tear fall from his eyes, and used her free hand to wipe away one of her own. "I see your bravery more, even though I know it was always there, deep inside you as you coped. And I see your pain, because you're reliving it, and it kills me to watch. But I don't pity you. I have never and will never pity you."
"So why does it feel so strange? If what you are saying is true, why is your body so stiff every time you touch me?"
"Because you pull away! You flinch like I'm hurting you, and I hate it, so each time I reach out to you I'm afraid that it's doing more harm than good." She was openly crying now, and so was he, as they discovered together how much this could destroy lives. "And I'm afraid you'll think I'm pushing you towards something you're not ready for, and I just don't know how to help you. And I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Kate" And with that he grabbed her, holding her closer than he had in days, letting her cry into his chest. "I think that I'm a bit to blame for this too."
"No you're not. Don't say stuff like that" She spoke, the sound muffled by his chest.
"Not for that, but our stuff. This problem we're having right now." His fingers found her hair, his hands running through it as he talked. "My biggest fear about telling you was that you would think I was disgusting. I was afraid you'd only see the scared little boy who didn't stop it."
She pushed herself up, looking at his face, a sense of urgency in her voice. "We've been over this. You were a little boy, it wasn't your fault. He took advantage."
"I know." He whispered, tugging her back down. She settled back into his chest, their fingers interlocking as he spoke. "It doesn't mean that I still don't think it. And every time you reach out to me, my mind goes there. I am afraid that you think I'm wrong somehow, and that you are only touching me because you have to. So I flinch away." He brought their hands up to rest near her head. "See. Not your fault. I'm sorry I snapped at you."
Kate sniffled, turning her head so she could look him in the eye. "What can I do that's going to help you?"
"I don't know. This is uncharted territory for me too." He played with their hands, unlocking their fingers to play with hers. "Maybe call me out on it, when I pull away. It will remind me that you're trying to comfort me, and maybe I can reframe my thoughts?"
"You don't sound too sure about that." Her voice was quiet, her insecurity clear as she looked away.
"I'm not." He held her closer, and she could hear his frustration in his voice. "But if it doesn't work, I'll be honest and let you know. And then we can brainstorm other ideas."
She nodded, her head moving on his chest. "I can do that."
"Thank you, Kate." They spent some time like this, her resting on him, his fingers in her hair. The sound of his heart beating soothed her, and she snuggled deeper into him, her eyelids fluttering closed. He pulled her hand up, pressing his lips to her knuckles. "I've missed this."
"Me too." She tilted her head back up to look him in the eye, her heart hopeful as she watched him. "Can I kiss you?"
He seemed taken aback by the question, his eyebrows furrowing together as he met her gaze. "Yeah. You can kiss me. You don't have to ask."
She grinned, squeezing his hand and pushing herself up to meet him, their lips meeting in a soft kiss. His hand found the back of her hair, hers the curve of his cheek. She didn't press for anything more, and neither did he, but each minuscule movement between them held a promise to communicate better and to try to understand the other's point of view. She tried to convey her love for him by keeping him close, her body melting into his, fitting into his every curve. When they pulled away, she rested, her forehead against his, looking straight into his blue eyes. Her hand came up to caress his cheek. "I think that's a much better start to our day, don't you?"
He grinned then, the smile warming her from the inside out, reassuring her that it would all be okay. "Yeah. Definitely way better." He wiggled his eyebrows, making her giggle in his arms. "I could get used to that!" He pulled her closer, his chin resting on her head, so she could listen to his heartbeat again against the steady rise of his chest. "Thank you, for being there for me, and helping me heal."
She didn't have to say it. The tightening of her hand around his, and the soft press of her lips against his jaw made her 'always' known loud and clear.