"Blonde Thunder…Ball…"
Archived at the Buffy Rebecca-verse, Cicelyverse page,
....
Disclaimer: I won't blame Joss for those comics if he doesn't blame
me for this… All BTVS characters remain the property of Joss Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, and all other owner/creators of the Buffy the Vampire
Slayer series...
Summary: When a little pig-faced cockroach with nukes under his arm
rattles his sword and makes trouble, who ya gonna call?...
Part III…
Hmmn…William pondered his options, stretching a bit in the chair in which as his aged cherub of a host, Kim Jong Il had promised, he had a rather up-close-and-personal view of what might be the event of the last 65 million years…
He eyed the two Slayers guarding him along with a brace of crossbow-armed human guard…Unfortunately neither being his hopefully Walthrop-enthralled former guard commander , ace Chinese agent and Slayer, Soong-Li…
Worse luck yet, she'd not been assigned to escort Buffy to her little psychotherapy appointment, Kim apparently wanting her handy for coordinating tonight's big event…Though on her own in the midst of guards and likely still heavily under the influence of whatever had been used on her, he couldn't count on much from her…
Not that Buffy Summers couldn't deal with a little mind control and such…
Buffy Cicely Walthrop Summers, he thought, rather happily…
And even in her drug-weakened state…Even assuming magics are tossed in…
Hmmn…Who'm I kidding…I've seen her cave to a spell-cursed football jacket…And the two leading her guards were more Slayers… Kim Jr boasting proudly, before Dad had slapped his little kim, small k, back down…That they had twenty Slayers in their grip…Deployed to cover the other missile sites as well as Mission Control…
But…I'm not much good to her as a pile of dust…He noted, wryly to himself…
"Any idea of the time, love?..." he asked the closest blank-faced Slayer…A tall young woman in black jacket and black worker's cap…
"7:59 pm and 20 seconds, sir…" the woman replied with a strong accent…
"So, that's over three hours to the big moment for me to sit through?...I thought Lord Kim prided himself on his hospitality…?"
"Would you care for something to eat or drink, sir?..." the young woman asked…
"I'd not say no to a Guinness if one's at hand…"
She called to a guard who nodded and went to a phone nearby…
Well…Nice...But so much for losing one Slayer guard…
"8:00 pm…" the woman stated flatly…
Great…A Slayer cuckoo-clock…
She went over to an instrument panel…
Hmmn…The Great One having his little joke and moving up the launch time?...
"Thanks..." he accepted the Guiness offered by a guard while keeping an eye on the Slayer at the panel...
Might call for desperate measures...
A large television screen was revealed by two panels pulling back…
"It is time…For…" the young woman pasted a happy and warm smile on her still-blank face as did the other Slayer…While the human guards tried to look enthusiastic…
N…K…B… The letters appeared on the screen with chimes…
"North Korean Broadcasting presents…" the Slayer who'd been addressing him announced in bright tones…Clearly translating what was coming from the television speakers in Korean for him…
"Today's News from the Great Leader…With Hong Gil-Dong…"
A blank-eyed young woman appeared on the screen in suit, similarly blank, happy smile pasted…
"In today's news…" the Slayer translated… "Our Great Father graciously agreed to accept the groveling supplications of the imperialist Western powers at the urging of our Chinese allies. It is clear that once again Our Great Leader has forced the West to admit its guilt and…"
"GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN!...GOD SAVE OUR NOBLE QUEEN!..." William bellowed with gusto…Frowning at the actor in brownface attempting to depict the US President…
Lord…Apparently the Tea Party has a branch here…
"…Admitted the culpability of the United States and has agreed to accept all terms proposed…"
"GOOOD SAVE…OUR…QUEEN!..."
"In other news…"
"World to be destroyed, film at eleven?..." he suggested to the screen…
"…Two top Western spies apprehended attempting to penetrate our impregnable border yesterday evening were brought before the People's Court to face charges…"
Video of Buffy and Will walking through the control center's halls under guard…
"…of terrorism, espionage, and aggression against the People."
Poorly doctored shot of William…Dialogue dubbed in clearly failing to match lip movements…
"Didn't know I spoke Korean…" he smiled at the Slayer blankly translating…
"Having admitted both his current actions of aggression and violence and his hideous past as mass murdering vampire and imperialist stooge, Spy William Walthrop begged the Justices of the People and our Great Leader for mercy."
Cut to shot of Korean actor in blonde wig and vague imitation of Spike's duster, groveling before a railing facing the frowning justices and a gigantic blow-up photo of Kim Sr…
"In His wisdom, the Great Leader ordered Justice to be done immediately…"
Guess no one told the poor fellow his acting would have that hard core of real experience…Will eyed the sincerely screaming actor on screen as he was dragged to a post and four horses enlisted to leave him beside himself…
"That phony dust's a nice touch…" he noted to the woman…
He eyed the poorly shot but genuine image of Buffy…"Buffon Summers, American spy was also found guilty…But clemency was recommended by the People's prosecutor in view of her service to Humanity in the past in destroying Undead enemies of the People…"
Buffon?...He stared…
"The Great Leader in his generous mercy has supported the petition to the People. Summers, spy and vampire prostitute offered devout thanks for his clemency…This great Killer of the Undead will soon join the ranks of the People's Defense Force in gratitude for Our Leader's gracious mercy…We will bring you her voluntary confession of her crimes and her speech of gratitude to His Greatness in a few minutes…"
Oh, will you?... He frowned…And I'll be remembering that prostitute crack, fatboy…
"Stay tuned for His Greatness' Christmas in Pyongyang: Let Us Count The Blessings Granted by the Great Father special at eight-thirty…With special guests, Kim Jong-un, American spy turned heroine of the Fatherland, Buffon Summers, Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, Gong LI, singing sensation Heng-Ya, Bristol Palin, the Pyongyang Boys' Choir, comedian Fred Doi-Neng, and the one and only, Jerry Lewis…Brought to you by…His Greatness' Commission of Entertainment…If the Great One thinks that's entertainment, it's entertainment…And by Our Leader's Loyal Television Technicians…Doing their best to overcome the lies and abuse of the West since 1994…"
The smile on the Slayer's face went down…She staring blankly…
"Christmas…?" Will stared…As the face of the Great Leader appeared on screen to urge all to live more simply and avoid such health-threatening luxuries as food…
"Bit early isn't it...?" Will asked politely…
"Not if all goes according to plan, sir…" the woman replied…
"Angelina Jolie?...What, a cardboard cutout?..."
"She and Ms. Kidman were kidnapped days ago, sir…Their standard psych conditioning was completed today, just before Ms. Summers' own special Slayer session…"
"I know the Palin's hell-spawned but Mr. Lewis?..."
"He thinks he's been invited to perform in France…"
"Sparing no expense, eh?..."
"It will be the last Christmas special for some time …" the Slayer noted…Repasting smile… "And now, we take you to the halls of…The People's Court…"
Will eyed the screen…And sighed…
"Buffon Summers…" the Slayer translated the announcer's monotone…
"Buffy!..." he called…
"Enemy of the People, captured at our impregnable border by our invincible military, faces the charges of espionage, terrorist activity, and murder…Will her past service to Humanity weigh in her favor?...It will all be decided in…The People's Court…"
Buffy in drab beige jacket, worker's cap facing a railing before a tribunal…The judges in the same drab outfit…
"Name…?" one of the three judges…
"Buffy Summers, daughter of imperialism…" Buffy intoned, blankly…
"Charges…"
"Espionage, murder, counter-revolution against the People…" she said, flatly…
"You have admitted guilt…" the middle judge insisted…
"I am guilty…" flat tone…
Fast work…Will eyed his Slayer guard…
"It is impossible even for the most degenerate of imperialist stooges to resist the benevolent affection of the Great Leader for more than a few moments…" the Slayer translator/guard nodded…
"It is an honor to absolve myself before the People…" Buffy said in a monotone… " I accept the just decision of this great people and its Dear Leader…"
"The Great Leader has extended you clemency..." the last of the three judges noted… "The People echo his compassion and allow you the chance to serve our Glorious Revolutionary State…"
"No chance she's faking it, I suppose?…" he asked the second Slayer guard as the first Slayer continued her translation of the news report…Who simply stared blankly a moment…Then surprised him by taking on an uncanny resemblance to his host…
Allowing for her being a young and delicately lovely woman taking on the mannerisms and leering grin of an aged, pig-faced, leering cherub…
"Not a chance, Brit-boy…" the woman sneered… Then grinned… "You like?...This is a neat feature the brain-boys came up with for me…Plug-in virtual possession…"
"Delightful…Nero and Hitler are put to shame…"
"Can't wait to try it out on the little blondie…" the woman gave a lewd smile… "You know I'm not really into guy-guy… But I could consider guy-possessed girlie-vamp guy…If you'd like one last shagorama before we blow?…"
"Why not…?" Will replied…Eyeing the girl coolly…
"Like I'd fall for that one…" she sneered again… "But in a little while, when she's ready…Maybe I'll run her over to give you a last farewell…See ya, babe…" she blew a kiss, chuckling…And went blank again…
"And now…" the first Slayer spoke up… "Right here, on our Pyongyang stage…The People's NKB presents…"
"It must involve magics…To work that quick…" Will asked the second Slayer… "You stupid pig-faced turd…"
No response…Guess he's either playing cat-and-mouse or really did unplug…
"No need to make fun of the poor kid…" the first Slayer said…
He looked to see an insert on the TV screen of Kim stuffed into tuxedo eyeing him…
"Off to rape the local villagers…?" he addressed the image…
"Been there, done that…Like you…" Kim's face smiled at him…
"But I seriously doubt you'll be getting a soul and trying to make some amends any time soon…" Will noted…
"Point taken…But from my pov, you've been wasting your time with this redemption nonsense…" close up…
Will sighed at the leering face…
"This what you used on my wife?...Can't blame her then…That singing would break anyone…"
"Haw, haw, haw…" insert Kim frowned… "Did you see her in court?...She broke faster than Soong-Li…"
"It's part magics, isn't it?...You can't condition someone that quickly…Unless she's just playing along until she can kill you."
"Magics…Pfff…They never last…We stick to brainwashing…Though on Slayers we use the Heinlein approach…But excuse me I got a Christmas special to do…" the insert winked out…
"…from now on, our troubles will be miles away…" Kim on main screen warbled on…
"Thought this was an officially atheist country…" Will eyed the Slayer who'd translated for him…Watching him silently with bright, plastic smile, while the Great One crooned on in English…
"The Great Leader grew up watching US Christmas specials by satellite…He loves Christmas…Besides, Japan and other Asian nations celebrate Christmas…In our case we just say Jesus was an early revolutionary…" the woman replied…She spoke suddenly in bright tones… "We'll be back with more holiday magic from the Great One…And stay tuned afterward for a special announcement from Our Great Father following the broadcast…"
"As in, you're all…But the ten million safely locked away…Gonna die…"
"I believe so, sir…" she nodded…Jerking to upbeat tone suddenly…
"Friends…Don't be fooled by Western propaganda…When you smoke, smoke the brand of our Great Leader…Kim's, the one cigarette when supplies are available, legally allowed in our Divine Fatherland…Kim's…For that smooth, strong taste that lasts all day…" Handsome actor on screen, puffing with satisfaction…
Another insert winked on…
"Hello, enemy of the People…" Buffy said, blankly…Still outfitted in drab blouse and worker's cap…
"Hello, sweetheart…" Will sighed… "Sorry…"
"Your agonized death will bring our Leader much satisfaction...Nearly as much as the many sons I shall bear him in our future paradise…" she said woodenly…
"Nice job, eh, bucko…" little kim's face appeared next to her… "Bet you thought we couldn't pull it off…Huh, huh?..."
"The Heinlein approach, dear ole Dad said?..."
"My contribution…I did a second major in Biology…Of course it was your girlfriend…"
"Wife…"
"Whatever…Who provided the key…Remember that thing with the neural shunts, Bezoar?...The eggs?..."
"Beg pardon?..."
"Oh, right…You weren't in on that one…"
"I've heard of Bezoar…"
"Right, well, we were monitoring Sunnydale…Dad liked to keep an eye on the Hellmouth and Ms. Summers' doin's and when I saw her mind control eggs in action, I said to the Great One that it was just like Heinlein's puppet master aliens…He got me the last surviving specimen…And with a little gene modification and the installation of a few microchips…Voila…"
"Really…"
"Show the Unman, Buffy…"
She turned around with a jerk and opened her blouse in back, revealing where a tiny tentacle of a gelatinous material ran into the back of her neck…Leading down to a jellyfish-like mass clinging to the hollow of her back…
"Of course being partly demonic still, it requires demonic energy to work and the mother creature is not available to supply the juice…So for now, it only works on Slayers off their own demonic power…" little kim noted… "But one day…"
"We'll see, fuckface jr…Shouldn't you be watching dear ole Dad warble?..." Will glared…
"Just wanted to be sure you got a good look at my future bride…" little kim sneered, turning Buffy to face the camera…
"Oh?...And dear ole Stalin Jr's ok with that?..."
Veiled look from the heir apparent…
"Ah…I see…So…The Kimsicle is not going to get thawed on the great day in 3010 as planned, eh?..."
The Slayer guards turned to look at the screen…The human guards eyed each other…
Ummn… Little kim eyed the Slayer guards on his own monitor…
"Uh…Of course he will…Our Divine Leader will guide us forever…I just mean, maybe while he's occupied…Ummn…I'm clearing it with him, of course…"
"Of course…" Will nodded…
"Just to ensure we have the best heirs to guide us during the down times, then of course she'll join him in deep freeze…"
"Not bloody likely…"Buffy grinned, blank look gone… "You sodden little bastard…" strong Brit accent…Glare at little kim…
Little kim stared…Will stared…
"Buffy's out to rest but Cicely's here and kicking arse…" she noted…Grabbing little kim by throat before he could move or summon help…
"By the bye, I've a bone to pick with you, William…" she eyed screen… "What's this sudden interest in skeletal blonde Americans?..." frown…
"Sweetheart…?"
"We…The Yank and me…Found the thing can't handle two complete personalities at once…" she explained… "We just kept Cicely in wraps while it settled in…"
"Two?..." little kim stared… "Damn…Arggh…" She lifted him off the floor… "Lemme go or you'll die…Guards!..." little kim gasped at the camera feeding Will's monitor… "Call my guards outside here!..."
"Not so fast!..." Will called… "Unless you want Dad to know you plan to let him defrost to death …There's a threat to Great Leader, sweethearts…" he eyed the hesitant Slayer guards watching the screen now…The lead guard pulling cell phone, halting in midnumber to start a new sequence…
The human guards eyeing each other…
Hmmn…Will looked at them…
The ones who weren't sniffing rocket fuel to relieve the boredom and horror of their miserable lives seem a bit hesitant to rush to stop the little prick's game…I'd say this has the earmarks of a little palace coup…
"Wait!...I never said that…Special order 66!..." little kim cried…The Slayers froze…
"Yes, Great Leader…" Both intoned… Will regarded them…
The human guards eyeing the screen…Clearly looking to the junior Great One for orders…
Yes, the little worm has definitely turned out to have his own plans…
"Make them let him go you little arse…" Cicely shook little kim…
"Keep Walthrop covered, ladies…Kill him if she hurts me!..." little kim called…
"Release our Divine One or…" the lead Slayer guard insisted, pulling stake…Pointing at Will's chest…
"I'll strangle him if you touch one hair…" Cicely fumed…Little kim gurgling in her grip as she lifted him…
"Stalemate, ladies…" Will eyed the Slayers… "Let him down, love…" he told Cicely on screen… "Lets see if we can negotiate here. You buried Palpatine's order 66 in them?" Will stared at little kim as the heir apparent tried to recover a modicum of dignity on being put back on the ground…
"I love Star Wars…" little kim shrugged… "Dad and I always used to watch it together before he got to be Great Leader when Grampa passed…And started treating me like…"
"That's a pity…Guess power does corrupt even familial relationships…"
"He's even had himself cloned without telling me…That stuff about my producing an heir is crap…When one of them reaches adulthood I'm out…"
"On that day I shall mourn…" Will smiled…
"So I took a few precautions to ensure I'd get my chance…Keep Walthrop covered, ladies…Make sure Dad's not monitoring, Heng…" he addressed the chief human guard, Heng, who nodded and went to a control panel…Giving thumb's up a moment later…
"So a palace coup is in the making…"William grinned…
"We'll need new leadership in the new world…" little kim insisted… "All right, stalemate for the moment…What's your proposal?...Hurry, before Dad calls us up on stage…"
"We don't kill you yet and you help us close down the launch sites…" Will replied…
"Only Dad can cancel the launch orders…Besides, it's the right thing to do, from an ecologic perspective…" He gasped as Cicely choked a bit… "And… the ladies and my guards will vaporize you if she hurts me…" The Slayers drawing stakes on Will…He indicated to Cicely to loosen her grip…The Slayers halting…
"Great…Well, since you're so dedicated to the cause… Cicely, lets call Daddy up and tell him his boy's plans for his future…"
"Righto, love…" she reached for a phone on the wall…
"Wait!..." little kim, frantic…
A buzzer sounded at little kim and Cicely's end… "Dad's calling for us…" little kim noted… "Look, I can offer you prime positions in my new regime…After all you'll live forever and can watch over your girl here while she's frozen till the resurfacing day…"
"Really…Intriguing...Well, suppose we settle for now on your removing that puppet master or whatever it is…"
"That's not so easy, Walthrop…"
"Hello, Dad?..." Will pantomimed a phone call…
"It's woven into the spinal cord and brain now…Can't be done like pulling a plug…You don't want her to suffer permanent damage…?"
"If she does, you do, friend…"
"There's no time…Dad's…" little Kim began…
Another insert opened on the giant monitor in front of William's chair… Kim in white tux looking a tad annoyed…
"Hey, kid?...I've beeped you twice…"
Cicely had taken on a blank look again…
Lord, I hope she's faking…Will sighed…
"Sorry, Dad…Just showing our prisoner his new and improved wife…" little kim explained, nervously eyeing Buffy who continued to stare blankly forward…
"Yeah?...Nice job, eh, buddy?..." Kim sneered, looking Will's way on camera now…
"Hey, Buffy, you ready to sing a duet with your new boyfriend?..." Kim called to Buffy who glanced at what Will took to be the monitor there…
"Yes, Great One…" she nodded…
Watch those nasal tones, girl…Will eyed her…
Kim staring as well…
"Uh…Nice, huh, dad?..." little kim noted hurriedly… "I thought it'd annoy Walthrop a little to give her a Brit accent…You can drop it, now, Buffy…"
"Uh, like, yes, sir…" she replied…A rather poor attempt at Californian, Will thought, inwardly sighing…
Still, the pig-faced one seems to buy it…
Kim chuckled…Hey, good one, little kim…
"Well, bring her up…The People are waiting to hear our number…"
"Right away, dad…" little kim nodded…Reaching for the control panel…His insert winked out…
"Enjoying the show, Blondie?…" Kim sneered at the camera…
"Not quite a Dean Martin Christmas…But charming in its way…" Will replied…
A buzzer sounded…Loudspeaker overhead in the missile launch bay where Will was held….Korean followed by English…
"This is the voice of Mission Control…T minus three hours, five minutes, and counting…At this time all technical readouts show green for go on launch…"
"Neat…" Kim nodded, listening… "Anyway, I miss the old American specials…I used to love watching Perry Como…Always hoped he'd put Pyongyang on his 'Christmas from….' List…But he never did…" head shake…
"Well there's a valid reason to destroy the world…Spite for Perry Como…"
"Hey, if he were alive, he'd be safely frozen in my underground vault right now…I'm no barbarian…" Kim insisted… "And in my new world, we'll do this every year…Gotta go…Christmas show to do, old world to annihilate…" he waved…His insert winking out…
"And now…" the Slayer leader by William resumed her translation once more…Bright smile again…
"Back to the People's Christmas Spectular…Christmas in Pyongyang..Brought to you by the People's Democratic Republic, and our Great Leader, the one and only Kim Jung Il…"
Part IV…
Kim on main screen in tux, holding mike…Waving to camera amidst thunderous applause…
"Hey thanks, thanks very much…And now, as we celebrate the successful conclusion of negotiations which will change the world as we know it, I want to introduce a very special guest…Once a tool of Western imperialism, she was the deluded heroine of America, saving millions only to be enslaved by capitalism…Now the beneficiary of the People's benevolent clemency, she stands before you, wishing only for the chance to make amends and atone for her crimes in the service of the blood-soaked global corporations leeching her people and the world…Our new champion of the People, Ms. Buffy Summers…!"
Buffy , in the same drab jacket and cap, standing near a nervous little kim…Who seemed a bit put out at his presence being ignored..
"Thank you, Glorious One…" she spoke into a microphone handed her by little kim… "May the People's Republic triumph forever under your Divine Guidance…!"
"Right back at you, kid…" Kim beamed… "So, Buffy…How's about joining me and our dear little heir here…" nod to little kim who sighed…
"…In a Christmas song?..."
"Yes, Great One… May the People's Republic triumph forever under your Divine Guidance…!" she removed her jacket and cap, handing them to a young woman…A sequined red gown revealed underneath…
Will stared…
"I can feel it my fingers…I feel it in ma toes…" Kim began singing…Stabbing at air with microphone while contorting hideously…
"The Great Leader's love is all around us…You've just got to let it show…" she sang, a bit woodenly, staring…Reading from a sheet little Kim had handed her…
"