Thranduil was first to work (as usual). He had a few minutes to kill, and his hair looked perfect, so he called Legolas. His son picked up after three rings.

"Ada! How are you?" He asked. "I'm very well and you, ion-nin? How are you?"

"I'm great! I was just about to call Tauriel!" Thranduil gasped and nearly dropped his phone.

"Why?!"

"Haven't you heard? She's dating Kili!" His son exclaimed, and Thranduil fell out of his chair. He was going to have a chat with the dwarves. Nobody dated his son's bodyguard/best friend without his permission!

"Ada? Are you there?"

"Yes, ion-nin. I have to hang up! Someone's come in!" He ended the call and grabbed a pink sticky note. Thranduil grabbed his special pink pen and scrawled on the note,

I have serious issues to attend to in my family; Tauriel is dating a dwarf! I'll be back in a couple hours. Lucius, Loki, don't burn anything down and remember to feed the peacocks! The Appointment Book has whoever is coming in! Love you guys!

-Thrandy

He adjusted his crown and bolted out the door. He ran to where his elk was parked with a sparkly pink leash.

"We have to get to Mirkwood!" He yelled, and the elk began running in and out of cars. It stepped on the hood of the Batmobile and continued to run. Robin jumped out of the car and gave a choked gasp.

"Look what you've done!" He shook his fist and Thranduil only urged the elk on faster and yelled,

"Tauriel is in grave danger!" When they finally reached Mirkwood, Thranduil jumped off of his elk and sprinted to Tauriel's small bode on the edge of the forest. He knocked on the door seven times and waited. The door opened and Thranduil walked in.

"My king, wh-"

"You're dating a dwarf." He interrupted her and Tauriel nodded.

"I am."

"I must meet this dwarf before anything gets too serious! I am your king, and as king, I excercise my right to act as your father. Call him over." He commanded and Tauriel raised her eyebrows but dialled Kili's number.

"Kili? Yeah, could you come over? No, it's the king, he want's to meet you. Yes, bye." She said and set the phone down.

"Would you like something to drink?" She asked and Thranduil shook his head.

"How long have you been dating?" He asked, a large amount of seriousness ringing in his voice.

"A while. We began talking after Smaug." She said and Thranduil asked for a small towel. He seated himself at the head of the table and unsheathed his sword. Humming Don't Cha by the Pussycat Dolls, he began to clean the sword, taking care to erase the slightest bit of wear. When Tauriel went to open the door, Thranduil covered his face in a steely mask and glared.

"Sit." He pointed to the second seat on his left. It was one of the dwarves that set out to take back Erebor. The dwarf looked at him hesitantly and took the seat. "You too, Tauriel."

"So, I hear you want to date my son's bodyguard." Thranduil glared, and Kili gulped, eyeing the blade.

"Yes."

"Well, can you shoot farther than her?" Kili thought for a moment,

"I don't know."

"Can you run faster than her? Is your hair shinier than hers? Do you have what it takes to date her?" By then, Kili was sweating bullets and Tauriel was beginning to eye the king anxiously.

"I love her?"

"You don't sound sure enough. Do you have what it-" His phone began to sing Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO. "Hold on. Hello? Oh gosh, really? Tell Loki to staunch the flames and give her a refund! I'll be there in a few." He turned back to Kili. "I give you my permission to date Tauriel, but one toe out of line and I'll kick you back to Erebor, clear?"

"Yes! Yes, sir I mean!" Thranduil gave a gruff nod and ran back to where his elk was grazing.

"Back to the hair salon! Loki has set Buffy Summers' hair on fire!" The elk streaked back towards the salon, and stepped on the Batmobile once again. Once Thranduil parked his elk, he ran inside and saw Loki trying to fix the singed edges of Buffy's hair. Buffy was yelling at Lucius and Loki for being careless.

"What in the world?! I thought my sticky note made it clear that you weren't supposed to set things on fire!" Loki looked up and grinned sheepishly.

"Forgot?" Thranduil pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"Well, let's see what we can salvage." He said and Buffy rolled her eyes. Thranduil saw that Buffy still had the majority of her damp hair. The caramel colored locks were singed at the ends and there was a good three inches missing from one area. "Ooh, I don't know... how do you feel about a pixie cut?" Thranduil asked and Buffy slapped the closest thing, Loki's face.

"Hey!"

"Shut up Loki. Lucy and I are assessing the damage you caused." Thranduil snapped and Loki slunk away, a copy of Us Weekly in his grasp. Loki plopped down onto a chair and pursed his lips.

"We could trim off the burnt ends and give you extensions or we can layer it and shorten your hair a lot." Lucius said, and Buffy nodded.

"Let's do the first one!" She smiled, and Lucius began snipping at ends.

I'm a boss ass bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

"Loki! Where are you, brother?" Thor strided in and Loki looked up.

"Hello, Thor. What brings you here?" He asked, and Thor shrugged.

"I do not know. I think it was because the man of bats had a complaint about hoofprints on his car." Lucius nodded.

"If you're not getting your hair done, leave." He said, and Thor lumbered out the door.

After a while, Lucius allowed Thranduil to take over Buffy. He went ofer to their sequin studded espresso machine and tapped on the LLL (Lucius' Lucky Latte) button. Immediatly a pink cup dropped down and filled with hot, frothy coffee.

"Mmm." He inhaled the hazelnut scent and took a sip. There was a clang and the door flew open.

"Oy! Did anyone by the name of Will Turner come by here?" A man with a red bandana and dredlocks stepped in.

"Yesterday!" Thranduil called over from Buffy's hair.

"Damn, missed him. Anyone got any rum?" The man called out and Lucius shook his head.

"Sorry, no rum here!" He said and the man left, cursing. They looked at each other and shrugged. Who knew why a pirate was in their hair salon? Lucius ran a hand through his hair and watched as Thranduil clipped extensions into Buffy's hair and allowed her to go without paying.

The three men slumped onto their separate chairs and groaned. A girl with ivory skin and dark brown hair stepped in. Bella Cullen (nee Swan) was asking for a haircut. Loki promptly stood up and guided her outside.

"We don't like women that are married to faires that call themselves vampires, so shoo." He smiled and she gave an indignant huff and flounced away. Lucius and Thranduil began to laugh. They all hated vampires.

"I'm pretty sure no one else is going to come in, so I'm closing shop." Thranduil stated after waving good-bye to Angel and Max.

"Bye Thrandy! By Loki!" Lucius called and brought his Firebolt out of the broom closet. Lokie called his good-bye and transported himself home. That left Thranduil and his moose.

"Let's go home. To Mirkwood!" He exclaimed and the moose shot forward, stepping on the hood of a Prius that already had hoof dents on the roof.