*Okay as always I own nothing of Criminal minds I just get the privilege of playing with the characters for a while.
It seemed that eight hours and twenty five minutes were now going to be years of review of longing and the painful sting of "you could have had." She settled back against the glass of the window and resigned herself to the flood of memories.
"Emily..."
"Yeah?"
"How come none of this gets to you?" JJ said in the bathroom of the Hankel house after shooting the dogs in the barn.
The first meaningful exchange of words that led to her spending the weekend with the younger agent helping her through the night terrors of dogs growling and running at her. The team had landed in D.C. and debriefed in the conference room. She could see the wild look of forever being changed in JJ's eyes. She understood that look all to well. "JJ you want to come over for a few drinks?" She had asked innocently wanting to comfort the woman by giving her an ear to vent in if she needed it.
"No...I'll be okay Emily but thank you." JJ had said bravely but had the "please insist" look on her face.
"JJ it was a tough case and I would love some company tonight but do not want a bar or a team bonding moment." She knew that would persuade the woman.
"In that case I'm in." She said with a thankful smile.
They walked into her condo, "You can go on into the living room. I'm going to deactivate the alarm and put my go bag in the bed room." She said as she noticed the woman just standing there frozen. She quickly turned the alarm off while dropping her bag where she stood and came to the shivering woman before her.
"I've never killed more than a fly in my life... you train with paper but paper doesn't bleed..." was said into her shoulders as the woman sobbed and crumbled into her. That was the first time the shadows called to her from her heart. Here she was listening to JJ's confession and yet the whole time she was saying in her mind, "they train you to be emotional neutral. Never show what you think or feel and here in your arms is this woman engulfing you into the shadows of wanting to love."
Emily came back to the present moment and stretched asking the question in a whisper, "Who's the vampire really JJ...you or me? You bit me that day and sucked all the buried desires and longings to the surface in a fleeting moment." Sighing she resumed her past position against the glass.
"Shhh... I got you. It will be okay." She said pulling the woman tighter into herself. After what seemed forever JJ stopped crying and started to laugh. She pulled back looking at the woman like she had lost it.
"I'm so sorry Emily but I gave your shoulder a tear shower." She said pointing to her shirt that was soaked.
"It's okay... you feel better?"
"I feel embarrassed."
"Why?"
"Well I just fell apart in front of the woman I admire the most for her strength."
"JJ..." She paused and lifted the woman's chin up so she could see the truth in what she was about to say, "Do not take the lack of tears for strength. I wish sometimes that I could release things pinned up inside me but it's just not how I'm wired." She said not understanding how JJ had gotten her to confess her big secret so easily.
JJ noticed Emily seemed to feel exposed and realized she had been entrusted with a piece of the woman that no one else had ever seen. She lifted up her hand and cupped the woman's cheek, "Don't worry your secret is safe with me," She said and half smiled.
"Do you want some wine?" Emily asked needing the connection to end or she was going to melt into the tender hand holding her face.
JJ smiled, "I would love some." Emily was grateful the answer was yes and walked past her forgetting the bag she had left on the floor behind her. "Red or White?"
"Whatever you are having will be fine." JJ answered as she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. She began looking around at the woman's décor trying to get a sense of what Emily was into.
"I'm not up on the latest in modern décor but it's home." Emily said noticing the woman looking around.
"It's nice. I still have mix and match furniture. I've bought new but there are pieces I had in college that are so comfortable that I just can't seem to get rid of them."
"I learned not to get attached to things because they always got left behind when we would go to another country." JJ looked at her puzzled at the statement, "My mom was an American Ambassador and we moved a lot when I was a kid."
"Oh..." She said as another piece of the puzzle was revealed.
Emily poured the wine while chiding herself, "Damn how does she do that? She needs to be a spy, she's amazing at getting secrets but I never want her to be one. Wait...Why?" She was lost in her thoughts.
"Em..." No answer, "Emily?"
"Hum...oh sorry." She said and took the woman her wine, "I got lost in nostalgia for a moment...I guess." JJ wasn't convinced by her answer as Emily sat down on the opposite end of the couch.
"Why are you sitting way down there?"
"What?" Emily said looking at where she was sitting.
"You are so far away from me. Did I..." She stopped feeling stupid, "...never mind." Emily realized what was going on that JJ needed her closer and moved sitting beside her. She placed her and JJ's wine on the table then pulled the silently pleading woman into her arms. She was surprised when JJ placed her head under her chin causing her face to touch the skin on her chest. She could feel the warm tears running down the front of her shirt. That's when she knew she would never be the same. They both had been changed forever by the Hankel case. Time would only tell if it was for the better.
She held the woman for an hour, "JJ do you want to stay here tonight?" She asked the question that was never asked of anyone. Not lovers or one night stands...No one ever was allowed to stay the night. The night belonged to the remnants of the true Emily that was left in her and now this woman had even seeped into that space.
"Please...I do not want to be alone tonight." She answered and started shivering again.
"Shhh...I got you." She said and pulled her in tighter for a few more moments, "Would you like to get your go bag and take a hot bath while I make us some dinner?" The woman shook her head yes. "Okay...go get your bag and I will start your bath for you."
JJ stood up and started to go and get her bag but stopped and walked back over to Emily and hugged her, "Thank you."
"Your very welcome." She said and kissed the woman's head.
She pulled out of the memory for a moment. She realized that she had brought her fingers to her lips. They were tingling like they did when they touched JJ's hair. "God how can anyone become so part of you emotional DNA?" She wondered and glanced back out the window. She smile thinking the none stop blue was the perfect back drop for the film of her life that was playing then she went back into the show.
They had eaten spaghetti that Emily had frozen the week before knowing she could be called away at any moment. "This is really good Em. You are a woman of many talents."
"I'm not so sure about that but thank you." She said smiling. "JJ..." She paused taking a deep breath, "I want you to stay but I have to tell you I only have one bed. I'm willing to sleep on the couch if that makes you uncomfortable." She said getting the hardest words out of her mouth ever. She didn't want to sleep on the couch. She wanted to hold the woman every moment of the night.
"I would never take your bed without you in it with me," was said with other words that Emily missed because she was stuck on the "..never take your bed without you in it with me" part.
"Em..." No answer, "Emily..."
"Hum...Oh...sorry. I must be tired myself because I'm zoning out. What did you say after you would never take my bed."
"I said let's clean up and go to sleep. I'm really tired." She said getting up and taking her plate and Emily's to the sink.
They went up stairs and Emily decided to take a shower but told JJ to crawl in the bed and she would be right there and hold her. In the shower she had to clear her thoughts and re-box her emotions. She turned the water to cold for a few moments just to ensure everything got placed back in it's proper place. She finished her routine and walked into the bedroom where JJ was holding her pillow tightly but starring out into the room.
She slid into the bed and into the curves of the woman then leaned over, "May I have the pillow?"
JJ turned into Emily so quickly that she ended up on her back with the woman on top of her. Not that she minded at all but it stunned her. She looked up into wild blue eyes that were tear stained. "JJ...honey it's me Emily." She said softly testing the waters.
"I know that." She said and leaned down and caught her lips in a searing kiss that took Emily's breath away.
"JJ..." She said panting when they finally parted.
"Shhh... please Em hold me. I'm so cold but you warm me. Breathe into me life with your kisses."
Emily came back to the moment smiling at the thought of holding JJ and making out all night. She looked at her watch, "Only two and a half hours down six left to go." She said to the air as she got up to go to the restroom.
Six more hours for the Shadows to persuaded Emily of what she truly needs. :)