Favourite Mistake

Chapter 2

Decided

"I know that you can carry on, we're going see the world out." It was almost chilling when I heard the quiet words fill the small room. It'd been a long while since Jamie had entered, I hadn't forgotten for a moment he was there but I wasn't expecting him to speak, much less his words to be of a serious conviction.

The next sound was probably the most wonderful thing I'd heard in a long time. It was a chuckle, a short one but it was from Jamie which made the sound all the more wonderful.

"I had a feeling you weren't sleeping." His tone was light and void of any hurt, but to these ears it sounded tensed. Almost forced. That Jamie was trying that little bit too hard on his nonchalant facade. Nevertheless I was caught. It seemed to painful to even speak to this young boy who meant so much me after what I was planning, let alone to face him so I forced out a short reply.

"What gave me away?" My voice was flat and monotonous even to my ears which made me feel bad. Jamie was putting in effort which was a favour I wasn't returning, just like I couldn't return his favour of looking at me as he spoke.

I could see him clearly in my head as he spoke, "You froze as I was speaking." I could see the one shoulder shrug as he started off his words, the grin as he explained how he was right; A dying mannerism of his youth. Even the distress he held in his eyes that he tried so hard to hide. This child was etched into my mind as clear as day. He was such a part of my life, even more so in my memories. I still shared Mel's memories; I could remember him growing up even though I hadn't been there. Was I really going to trade in seeing him progress into maturity to save the pain of one?

It was the honest truth and full to the brim of depth when I replied those two simple words that can mean everything or nothing. "I'm sorry." The meaning behind my words wouldn't be fully clear to him yet, but he was soon to find out. I was apologising for everything. For what I was going to do, for coming here in the first place, for how rudely I was treating him now, but mostly for every single bit of pain I have or will ever cause him.

"You're always apologising, Wanda, even when you've nothing to be sorry for." Something about it humoured Jamie as he followed it with a genuine laugh. His laugh wasn't that of a child nor yet of an adult; but that of a blissfully happy adolescent.

Fresh tears stung at my eyes as I thought of how much I'd miss him. Jamie was the closest thing to a child I'd had in all my lifetimes. My maternal instincts to him were strong and deeply routed... Almost as deeply as my devotion to Ian.

Jamie was young though. He could learn to deal and adapt; After all he has grown to be the miraculous person he is even after losing his parents. In many ways it had shaped him to whom he was now; this strong, brave and determined child who was accepting of even the strangest of creatures. He was unlike anyone I'd ever known; he'd accepted me from the start in ways my kind couldn't accept his. More so he'd accepted me into his family and considered me one of his own, like I did for him.

He never ceased to amaze me which is how I know he'll cope.

Jamie must've been waiting for a reply longer than I'd though because I heard him shuffling about. When he kneeled on my mattress my body rolled back slightly and my knees fell from my chest. I felt more vulnerable now I was more exposed. It wasn't a feeling a liked but when I felt a pair of warm lips press to my forehead there was a moment of clarity. For that split moment I felt safe, I felt loved. For that moment every thought of the future was gone.

All I wanted to do was pull him into an embrace and not let go. I wanted to open up to him and cry but I knew once I released the flood gates it wouldn't stop and if I was going to carry through with my plan tonight, to share myself with him would take too long and Jamie wouldn't let me out of his sights until he was happy enough that I was deemed ok.

It had to be tonight though. It was now or never and I was doing this for him. For Ian. So I bit my lower lip to hold back the desperate cries pleading to escape and turned my face into the skinny mattress and allowed it to soak up the tears that refused to stay locked in.

When the first snore filled the room, it was clear the hour was approaching. Jamie was fast asleep; anyone would've mistaken him for being in a comatose state if it wasn't for the ground shaking snores. He was growing into a strong young lad, growing more like Jared everyday which I was sure Mel would be very proud of. I was.

Pulling my body up from cold mattress I felt weak. I was dehydrated as I had cried out most of my salts; most of the nutrients I needed. I'd also been laying limp on what was as good as the ground for a long time now, must've have skipped more than one meal, and all my muscles were malnourished. Sure that I would be too weak to make it out alive I came to the decision that I would need to not only feed before I left, but to take a few supplies.

The caves were of short supply on everything. What was left was hard bread, some rice, limited quantities of a few things like beans, dried nuts and I was hoping that there would be some left over's from earlier this evening. Ridden with guilt at the though, I knew it was unavoidable.

I knelt forward leaning towards where Jamie lay, savouring the moment as I saw the child in Jamie show; the side of him he, like every other teenager from my host's memories, was trying too hard to grow when all he should be doing was living his youth while it was there.

Late as it may have been, I pressed my lips softly against his face that was for the most part covered with his thick lock of hair in return to his previous kiss. My mind was flooded with my goodbye to Ian the night I chose to give Mel back her body for good and a fresh flood of tears welled up and rolled softly down my cheek before landing just shy of where Jamie's oblivious body lay.

It would be my final goodbye and I knew he deserved more than what I was giving to him, but I couldn't bear to see anymore hurt on his face that was the result of me. At this moment the shame I felt was unimaginable and my self-worth was at an all time low.

Closing my eyes I pushed myself to my feet; unsteady beneath me, my legs threatened to give way but as long as I remembered who I was doing this for I was strong enough to put one foot in front of the other.

Standing at the door I took one last glance back at the child I was leaving behind and my heart ached for him; yearned that this wouldn't hurt, but it was unavoidable. His dark hair blending into the dark of the night and his pale body was being shadowed by the light of the moon revealing the muscle that was forming. It was becoming clearer that he wasn't as young as he was in my mind; clearer that he wouldn't need me like he once did.