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Alone in These Empty Halls

…

"Now, if we could all introduce ourselves to one another?"

Everyone in our circle of mismatched chairs sighed. We all already knew each other. We were never without each other. We ate together every day at eight in the morning, twelve in the afternoon, and six at night. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We went on walks together, those of us that could. Some of us shared rooms, like Kiku and Yao. Arthur and Alfred. Matthew and Gilbert. Francis and Ivan.

Me, you ask?

I slept alone. I usually ate alone, too, now that you mention it. Sometimes my brother would visit, and we would eat together. But, that wasn't very often. I went on walks alone. I am even alone in being the only female. Now that I think about it, I was the first one here, alone for years before everyone else came. Kiku, Alfred, Gilbert, Arthur, Francis, Ivan, Matthew, then Yao.

That was the order we introduced ourselves to this new "group therapist". He didn't look like much. Shoulder length, yellow blonde hair. His eyebrows never seemed to unknot. He had giant green eyes. I guess he was kinda tall, maybe a little handsome. He cleared his throat.

"Nice to meet you all. My name is Vash Zwingli. I am replacing Mrs. Elizaveta as of today, as she is on maternity leave."

Arthur raised his only arm. "Is she going to be coming back?" Vash nodded curtly.

"In a sense, yes. She also got a small promotion into individual therapy, so some of you will be seeing her instead of your old one."

My eyes snapped up from looking at my lap. Elizaveta and I didn't really get along that well. She just pushed the wrong buttons with me, I suppose. Yet again, who didn't. I didn't get along with Francis or Gilbert either. Or Alfred. Or Ivan.

"Moving on, I would like to know the disability each of you have, on the most basic level if you would." Some of us looked down or away. Alfred nudged Arthur, seeing as he was the most obvious choice to go first.

"Um, well," he sat up straighter. "I had a tumor in my right arm, and it had to be removed. I am almost done with rehabilitation, and should be leaving by the end of the month." Vash nodded and wrote something down on the green clipboard he was holding. Arthur glanced to Alfred.

"I have an anxiety disorder." He muttered out quickly, and looked to Ivan, who smiled and chuckled.

"Just a little case of OCD."

Vash stared at Ivan for a moment before nodding and writing.

Gilbert sat up in his seat, almost as if he was proud. "I have multiple personalities!" Then his eyes seemed to shift down, and he slumped back into his chair, once again ashamed. Matthew took Gilbert's hand before whispering that he was allergic to everything on Earth. Vash actually looked slightly impressed with that one.

Kiku was next. He still liked to keep his sentences short and quiet, even though he was talking more and more. "MS I have no feeling in my legs, and up until two months ago, I was mute."

Yao rubbed the back of his head before laughing, "I'm recovering from anorexia."

Francis' eyes were sad, "I am here because I hurt myself."

All eyes were on me. Green, blue, violet, red, purple, brown, hazel, blue- purple and green again. I looked in the middle of the circle, at the white floor.

I clenched my hands together. "Bipolar 1."

Or so they said. There was nothing wrong with me. Everyone has emotions… Mine are just… stronger… than most people's.

I expected Vash to ask more questions, or for him to say I was faking it. But, he didn't. He just… moved on. My gaze slipped to his. He wasn't even looking at me anymore. My eyes went back to my folded hands. I still had them clenched.

"I am going to try something new for you kids." Ivan snorted from his chair across from Vash.

"Kids? Some of us are your age. What are you, nineteen, twenty?"

"Twenty- one," Vash answered immediately, not even looking at Ivan. "As I was saying, you will be pairing up with one other person, and you will be doing everything together."

"But-" Francis interjected. Vash raised his hand. "Yes, I know that you all already do basically everything together. But in this exercise, you will be made to talk about yourselves for an hour to each other. Of course, your individual therapy, and appointments with the doctor's are not included in this exercise. Now pair up and tell me your partners."

I rolled my eyes. Anyone could tell who each other was going to choose. None of those choices included me. Yao went with Kiku, Ivan with Francis, Alfred and Arthur, Matthew and Gilbert. And me, myself, and I. Again, I was alone. I tried to pretend it didn't hurt.

Vash wrote down the names and looked to me. "Well, Lovina. It seems that you are going to be with me." My head snapped up so fast it almost hurt.

"What?" I asked.

He nodded and stood, putting the clipboard under his arm. "I could put you with another group, but talking is easier in groups of two. So, seeing as there is no other option, you are with me." I heard Ivan snicker, and sudden, crippling anger filled me.

I shot out of my chair so fast, it fell backwards and tumbled to the floor noisily. "Fuck that!" I shouted, my hands clenched at my sides. My stomach churned and my cheeks got red. Vash's eyes widened a fraction. I folded my hands together and pressed them onto my stomach, pushing into it. Out of my periphery, I saw Vash take a step towards me, but Arthur grabbed his arm, stopping him. "I would…" I ground out of my clenched teeth. I took a deep breath. "I would rather be alone." I let my arms drop. I turned around, with my head down, and walked out of the therapy room.

No one could know what a lie I had told.

I walked alone down the empty halls, and wished so desperately, that the halls were filled with friends, my brother, and maybe someone holding my hand. I wish I wasn't so… alone.

I got to my room, much too lived in, laid down, and fell asleep.

…

"Don't take her!" "She hit me!" "What's wrong with you?" "How could you?" "Give me back my daughter!" "This is Feliciano, your brother." "Please, I love her! Don't take her!" "Stop faking!"

There's nothing wrong with me

"Lovina hit me!" "Why is she doing this?" "You don't even have a reason to be depressed." "Why are you so angry?" "NO!" "She never stops crying." "Why can't you just be normal?" "GIVE HER BACK!"

…

BAM

I shot upright in my bed with a gasp. I looked at my digital clock. 12 pm on the dot. I missed breakfast. My stomach growled.

I got out of the bed and took off my sweaty clothes. What had I dreamed about? Was it a nightmare?

BAM

I sighed shortly and looked to the door. I quickly got changed into new clothes and went to investigate the noise coming from right outside my door. I opened it quickly and glanced out.

BAM

"The hell?"

Vash jumped a little and looked up at me in all my morning glory. He was sitting against the wall, a pillow shoved between his back and the wall. He was wearing slippers, and… pink pajamas. He was furiously writing in his clipboard and slamming the finished papers into a binder on the floor to his right. Every time the bindings clipped into place;

BAM

Vash put the clipboard onto his lap and stood, rubbing his back. I blinked. "Did you… did you sleep here?"

He stretched his arms above his head. "Of course," he said, as if it was obvious. "I did say that partners have to do everything together." He picked up his pillow, and fluffed it a bit. "As I understand, you have a couch in your room?"

Before I could say anything, he entered my room and threw the pillow onto my couch. He started to take his frilly pajamas off, and I turned around quickly.

"Have some decency!" I shouted, my face turning red. I stomped out of the room and made my way down to the cafeteria, not even telling Vash where I was going.

No one spared me a glance as I grabbed a plain bagel and sat down. Kiku and Yao were more gooey than ever, Yao sitting in the others lap as he ate small bites of food. Arthur was nowhere to be seen, so Alfred was sitting with Ivan and Francis, laughing and talking. Matthew was shovelling pancakes into his mouth, and Gilbert looked unnaturally shy as he watched Matthew, picking at his own plate.

I split my bagel into halves and spread some cream cheese onto them. I was in peace for about three more second before Vash sat down in front of me, blocking my view of the rest of the cafeteria.

"Well, this is as good a time as any," he said. I blinked at him, my mouth full of bagel and cheese.

"What?" I said with my mouth full.

He had taken out that stupid clipboard out again. "To talk about yourself."

I swallowed. "What?" I asked again.

"If you recall, I said yesterday during the meeting that you are to sit down for an hour and talk about yourself to your partner. I am your partner. Now talk." He took out a pen and clicked it, and waited.

I snorted. "If you think I am going to talk to you for a whole hour, then you're crazy. I don't even talk to my therapist for more than five minutes." I wrapped my half eaten bagel in tin foil and tossed it into the trash can to my left. "Especially while you have that stupid clipboard."

Vash put his pen down. "Why would you think my clipboard is stupid?"

I took the pen and stuck it into my back pocket. He didn't say anything, or even react. "It makes people think they are nothing but a report. I mean, we might as well be that to you, but we all have enough issues. We don't want to be a report on top of all the other shit we deal with. So maybe you should wait to write down whatever it is you do until you're done talking with someone."

Vash folded his hands. "Hm, interesting. I never thought about it that way." He folded a hand through his hair. "Could you tell me one of these issues you have, other than being a report?"

I stood and clenched my hands. "You." I turned and left the cafeteria, not caring if he followed or stayed.

And yet, looking back, when I realized he hadn't followed, it kinda stung a little.

That was the first time anyone had eaten with me. For once, I wasn't… alone.

…

This continued for weeks. I would get to the cafeteria first, and Vash would follow, eat with me, try to talk with me, and wouldn't follow me when I left. I also started to stay in my seat longer and longer with him until we had sat there for one hour, then two. It was kinda… nice.

Vash was nice. He was warm when you got down to talking to him. He stopped with the whole clipboard thing. He laughed easily. His eyebrows still never unfurrowed, but his eyes smiled gently.

And no matter how much I would like to admit that I didn't start opening up to him, and that I kept shutting him down, I couldn't. I slowly started to talk about my disorder, my loneliness, my pain. I told him that my mother couldn't take care of me, but suddenly had the money for Feliciano. How everyone thought I was faking my disorder.

He talked about his home life, about his sister. He explained that she was the one who made the pajamas.

But there was something still holding me back from telling him everything I was feeling.

The feeling of my heart pounding when he was close to me. The feeling of falling in love with him, his kindness.

Maybe it was the crippling feeling that he would turn around and begin to hate me. Maybe it was that I was so angry at nothing, and that anger held me back. Maybe it was the overwhelming sadness.

…

Today, when I woke up, the world was gray. My body ached, my head ached, my chest ached. I didn't want to cry, but I did. I desperately wanted to cry, but I didn't. I wanted to scream, to scream until my chest was torn open, and my heart was shattered. I wanted to talk to Vash but… Oh God, I didn't want to. My whole being rejected the idea of talking to Vash, but it longed for his voice, his kind words.

I sat up slowly and looked at my clock. One in the morning. I took a deep breath and stood. I needed my emergency meds. This feeling overwhelming me would be worse by morning if I didn't take them. I glanced at Vash sleeping on the couch. His legs were bent because he couldn't fit. It couldn't be comfortable.

I opened my door slowly and shut it silently. The lights in the hallway were always on. The halls were cold, empty. I passed by Kiku's room, Ivan's room, and stopped by Arthur's. The door was open. I leaned in, just out of the barest hint of curiosity. Alfred was in his bed, snoring loudly. Arthur was once again, nowhere to be seen.

I continued to walk down the hall, past Matthew's room and into the cafeteria. It was empty. I kept walking, through the next hallway. It was empty as well. I took a left and found that the medication room door was open, though none of the lights were on. I knocked softly on it and opened it.

"Arthur?" I muttered, stepping into the room. The medication room was one of the only rooms in this flight of the hospital with a window. Arthur sat on one of the cots and stared out of it at the nights sky. He hadn't responded to me, but he did look at me. The look in his eyes…

"Arthur, what is it?" I came closer and sat down. Not so close as to touch, but close enough to talk.

He looked back out to the pitch black sky. There was no moon, or stars. He took a breath. Then another. Then, he spoke.

"Do you think… Do you ever think God has it out for you?"

I looked at my lap. "I stopped believing in God a long time ago."

He hummed and rubbed at his shoulder, at what was left of his other arm. "I still believed. I believed because that is what gave me hope. I thanked Him, because I was still alive, even if I was missing an arm."

I nodded, and looked out the window, trying to see what he was staring at. "But," he continued. "He took that thank you, and shoved it back into my face." He said bitterly.

I looked to him. "What do you mean? You get to leave here in, what, two days?" Arthur laughed, but there was nothing joyful to it.

"I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving until they take my leg. And then I recover again. And then what? Will another part of me be riddled with cancer? My other arm, leg? My heart?" Bitter tears fell down his cheeks. My heart plummeted into my stomach. Arthur was one of the only people who I got along with, and I was actually happy for him that he was leaving. My body suddenly felt numb.

"Your cancer-"

"It's spread. To my leg." He cut me off, his hand covering his face. "I was so close to going home. So close to being free. They were going to let Alfred come with me… Oh God, how am I going to tell Alfred?"

"I have to-" I took a breath. "I have to…" I folded my hands into my stomach, and pressed them into my stomach hard. Anger, numbness, anger, numbness. I was so… angry. "I'm so sorry… I have to… go…" I gasped out. I barely saw Arthur nod before I flew out of the medication room.

I ran all the way back to my room, flung the door open and let the anger clawing and tearing me apart out.

"FUCK!" Things started flying around my room. I don't remember picking anything up, or throwing anything, but my lamp was suddenly shattered, by pillows torn, feathers everywhere. "FUCK, WHY?!"

"Lovina?!" I heard Vash shout from behind me. I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care. I spun around, tears streaming down my cheeks. I could hardly see, hardly breath. Vash took a step towards me, his hand outstretched. I smacked it away from me.

"STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed at him. I could hear doors opening from the hall. I threw a pillow at Vash, my heart tearing itself into pieces at the hurt look in Vash's pretty eyes. Yet he still walked to me. "D- DON'T TOUCH ME!" I hit his chest, his arms with all my strength. He held my wrists with his hands. "S- stay awa-away from me." I hiccuped. I couldn't breath. My throat ached. He brought his arms around me waist and my shoulders, dropping my wrists. They fell lifelessly by my sides.

"V- Vash…" I whined. He shushed me and began to rock me back and forth, hushing me and mumbling that it would be okay. My tears made a wet spot in his shirt. I sobbed, cried, screamed, but he didn't let me go until I was too tired to stand. He carried me to my bed, tucked me in, kissed my forehead, his eyes so sad, so broken.

I was so tired.

…

I didn't do anything today. I spoke to no one. I didn't eat. I just slept and sat. Vash sat with me sometimes. He sometimes told me stories. His voice was warm, but I didn't feel it. Sometimes he held me while I slept.

…

When I woke up after a week of nothingness and numbness, Vash wasn't there. I rubbed my crusty eyes and looked down at my bed.

"His clipboard…?" I mumbled, my voice was dry and I sounded terrible. I looked around for him, but my door was open and he was gone. I tapped my finger on the clipboard and thought for only a moment before I opened it.

It was… a journal. Each paragraph separated by a date, and small title. I flipped to the front and my heart started to thunder.

May 19, 2016

Today, I met my patients. There is Ivan, Alfred, Arthur, Kiku, Francis, Yao, Gilbert and Matthew. Ivan is a little intimidating, but the other doctors warned me of that. Then there is Lovina. A girl with Bipolar 1. Her file said she goes from manic anger to depression, but she is having a few good days it seems where she seems fine. I cannot help but notice how pretty she is, even when she is angry. She tries her best to contain it, but she has quite the mouth on her. Is is odd that I find it slightly endearing?

What? Vash thought I was pretty? Endearing even? I shot a glance at the door and flipped through the papers on the board. Most of them were normal entries, only changing in day but not content. Many began to talk more and more about me, at my smile, my humor, my beauty. I must have been halfway through by the time I started to cry. It was the last paragraph that had me sobbing into the paper, my tears streaking the words.

August 3, 2016

I wish there were a way to tear one's own heart out, one's own brain, one's own mind. I wish to bare the burden of Lovina's mind. I wish I could understand all the workings of her tortured mind. I want to replace her with me. She doesn't deserve this. No one does. She bare's it so quietly, this burden she has. I want to kiss away her anger, her troubles. So much so, it aches. I do not want her to hurt anymore. I pray to God that he helps her, because I no longer know what to do. I ache to love her outright, to help. It is tearing me up inside. Please God… Help her. Help her… Help my beloved Lovina.

I closed the clipboard, and tucked my face into my bent legs. How could it hurt so much to be loved?

"Lovina?"

I looked up, snot and salty tears mixing on my face. Vash stood in the doorway, his eyes wide. He was carrying a tray full of food. He made his way into the room and put the tray down on the bedside table. He sat next to me and looked as if he wanted to touch me, but didn't know how.

"Lovina, what is it? Does something hurt?" He asked, his beautiful eyes searching my body.

My arms flung out and brought Vash to me by his shirt. His arms slowly wound around my shaking body. He held me gently, but firmly. I could feel his heart beating. "I love you." I whispered into his ear. He stiffened and leaned away.

"What?" He whispered, touching my cheek.

I tried to wipe away my tears, but they wouldn't stop coming. "I love you, Vash. Oh my God, I love you, and it hurts. It hurts so bad."

Vash brought me close again, and rocked me once again. "I know it hurts. I feel it too. I know Lovina, I know it hurts." I buried my face into his neck, and cried until my lungs hurt. "I know it hurts, my love, I know. Shh, my love, shh".

I cried until the sun set, and he rocked me. Throughout the rest of our life, when I cried, he rocked me. Even when we were old and wrinkled, he rocked me. And he never misunderstood. He would whisper "Shh, my love, shh, I know."

…

With lots of love 3

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