Thank you for the faves and follows everyone! And double thanks for all those that took the time to review! I love that! It's like my birthday every time I open my e-mail and see your encouraging words! Now it'll be more like Christmas! And yes, I still haven't alluded to this mysterious "list" yet, but to those who've read my other two stories, you might see a pattern. I want the reader to be invested in the story and the situations that I've put our beloved characters in before I reveal the reason for the title.
I own nothing but my story.
The List
Chapter 2
Jane came thumping down the stairs in her socked feet, buttoning her dark red shirt up to the middle of her chest, adjusting the collar and then making sure it, and the white tank top she wore underneath, were both tucked in all the way, shoving her hand down her pants at the small of her back, using her fingers to smooth everything out. She buckled her belt as she reached the bottom step, double checking that the zipper was up all the way, before she walked towards the kitchen.
Maura stood smiling, watching this dance with amusement, having seen it many times before.
Jane's hair, still damp from the shower, framed her face as she made her way into the kitchen, tired eyes finding Maura stirring sugar into a cup of coffee, adding just the right amount of cream at the end before sliding it towards her best friend.
"There you go. Careful, it's hot."
Jane smiled gratefully. "Thanks." She rasped, blowing on it vigorously before taking a healthy sip, wincing as it burned her tongue, grateful that Maura didn't give her shit about the amount of sugar she took in it, preparing it perfectly for her. It had been a long night and she'd only slept about half of it.
Maura smiled back, shaking her head at Jane, looking as alert and crisp as ever, dressed in a frock that hugged her curves in all the right places, a fact that Jane was noticing more and more since she'd realized her new feelings towards the CME. But somehow, as enticing as she looked, her dress still maintained her absolute professionalism. It was almost the same color as Jane's shirt, cinched at the waist with a black alligator belt, a brushed nickel buckle accenting the color of her dress. Jane couldn't see her shoes, since the island separated them, but she was certain that they would complement the ensemble perfectly.
She wore her shiny, silky hair down around her shoulders, just the way Jane liked it best.
The detective sometimes wondered if Maura wore it this way on purpose now, wracking her brain constantly, trying to remember if she'd ever mentioned to the doctor at some point previously in a recent forgotten conversation how it accented the green in her eyes when it was down.
Or if Maura just wore it this way so much now because she liked it that way, too. Maybe it was all just wishful thinking on Jane's part.
Jane sipped her coffee again, lost in thought. She'd been doing a lot of that lately…getting lost in thought.
Maura always noticed.
She dropped the spoon into the dishwasher, watching Jane, concerned.
"Are you okay?"
Jane mustered her bluster, standing tall, sipping the hot liquid again.
"Sure." She said, smiling, it never quite reaching her eyes. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Maura took this for what it was. Jane might ask for comfort, contact or outright help after a nightmare, but in the bright light of day, it was as if none of that had ever happened. It broke Maura's heart to watch her best friend suffer, so she pressed gently, her concern for Jane's well being overriding the line she was delicately told in the past not to cross.
"Have you spoken to Dr. Kamara about your returning nightmares, Jane?"
Jane abruptly sat the mug down on the granite countertop hard, her eyes focused on the caramel colored liquid sloshing around inside of it. She clenched her jaw over and over, the muscles visibly straining, her breathing increasing slightly.
She looked up finding Maura's caring concerned eyes, holding them, her flaring temper soothed somewhat.
"No, I haven't, Maur." Jane finally answered, using her nickname for her best friend, reserved for certain situations, this being one of them. "I'm not ready for that yet. If it gets unbearable...like the last time…I will."
Maura stared back into Jane's eyes, reaching across the island and gently touching her wrist. "Promise me, Jay." Maura used her own nickname. "Promise me if this starts to affect your waking life as much as it has started affecting your sleeping life, you'll go see her."
Jane looked down at Maura's hand as she gently squeezed her wrist, not willing to answer right away.
"You carry a gun, Jane." Maura said, rubbing her thumb across the soft olive skin of Jane's lower forearm. "This could get dangerous. If you don't do it voluntarily, I'll play the doctor card. And you know where that leads. No gun. No field work. Desk duty. It goes in your jacket. And required visits to Dr. Kamara anyway. So promise me."
Jane knew what that meant and she looked back up, finding Maura's eyes again. She licked her lips and took a deep breath.
"I promise." She said, begrudgingly.
Maura smiled, knowing that Jane never took giving her word on anything lightly. She squeezed Jane's wrist again once hard before releasing it, and to Jane's relief, dismissed the last five minutes of their conversation altogether.
Jane hated showing weakness and she loved that Maura instinctively understood that.
Maura changed the subject entirely.
"You really should blow dry your hair in the morning. It's getting your shirt wet." Maura said, sipping her own cup of coffee again, moving the conversation forward.
Jane looked down and, sure enough, at the tips of her hair, where gravity naturally pulled the excess moisture, there were dark spots dotting her shirt. No matter how long or thoroughly she towel dried her hair, this always happened. She looked up at the ceiling and sighed heavily.
"I don't have time, Maura!" She said, pulling her hair into a quick ponytail, holding it with one hand, and then looking around the room with her other hand held open, presumably searching for a hair tie.
"In the credenza." Maura pointed to the long table that sat behind the sofa, directly behind the detective, shaking her head and chuckling at the spectacle that was Jane in the morning. "Middle drawer. And if you would just get up when your alarm went off instead of thirty-six minutes later, you would have time." She was referring to the nine minute intervals that Jane had set for her snooze, knowing also how many times she usually used it.
Jane turned and pulled the drawer open, realizing that it was filled with various hair ties, all her own. Ashamed, Jane understood that this must be Maura's stashing point when she found one laying around her house. Jane winced internally, suddenly realizing that she was guilty of taking them out of her hair and just laying them down wherever, immediately forgetting about them. She made a mental note to stop doing that. She also made a mental note to thank Maura for putting up with her ridiculous and insensitive fuckery.
Maybe she would send her some flowers. Maura was partial to tulips.
Jane hastily maneuvered the tie through her unruly mane, closing the drawer, turning to face Maura, pulling it tight. She needed to address the whole snooze thing.
"Look!" Jane said sarcastically, returning to the island, picking up her mug again. "If that is a habit that not even my mother could break me of throughout middle and high school, there is no way you're going to! So stop harping on it, okay? I love the snooze." She said, unapologetically.
"Deal with it." She sipped her coffee, looking at Maura over the lip of the mug, challenging her to drop it.
Maura smiled sweetly again and tilted her head knowingly, giving Jane her "challenge accepted" face, never speaking a word aloud.
Jane's eyes widened. "No! Don't even, Maura! I mean it! You know I don't sleep enough as it is! You just said so yourself! I'm too old to be learning some new crazy sleep regimen, drinking herbal tea before bed and popping those melatonin pills you're always taking at bedtime, doing sleepy time yoga and shit, or whatever the hell else you're going to have me doing!" She sat her mug down soundly on the counter again, narrowing her eyes at her friend. "I'm not going to do it!"
Maura smiled, closed her eyes briefly and shrugged, silently telling Jane that it was too late, she'd already made up her mind.
Jane took a deep breath, her shoulders slumping in defeat as she growled at the ceiling. She huffed and swiftly turned around, her ponytail swinging wildly, stomping into the foyer, opening the drawer to the table that sat there, taking her badge out and gruffly clipping it onto her hip. She then took out her gun, removed it from its holster, checked that it was in working order, quickly and thoroughly going through the various motions. She then shoved it back into the holster with authority and then clipped it on the same hip just behind her badge, snapping the holster closed, adjusting it until it was comfortable.
Maura watched this diligent routine silently, having seen it countless times before. With the final decisive action of snapping her holster closed, she saw the affable, tender-hearted but stubborn woman that she knew as her best friend morph into the confident, cocksure, take no prisoners, homicide detective right before her very eyes.
She compared this transformation to a movie Jane had made her watch once, shocked and dismayed that Maura had never seen it before. The protagonist had began his own transformation by taking off his glasses and opening his proper button down shirt revealing a big letter "S" on his costume underneath. That is who Jane reminded her of each time she solidly snapped the holster closed…Superman.
A twinge of arousal spiked through her belly, her pupils involuntarily dilating slightly. She blinked and took a quiet deep breath.
Jane closed the drawer soundly and then walked back into the living room, scanning the floor aimlessly, brow furrowed, leaning over and discreetly looking under all the furniture.
And just that quickly, her Jane was back. Maura giggled quietly, sipping her coffee again.
"They are probably in the guest room next to the bed where you took them off last night." Maura said, smiling, knowing that Jane always kept spare work clothes at her house, but she only owned one pair of work boots.
Maura had tried to get her to replace her old boots, or at the very least, supplement them with another pair that she could keep here at her house, but Jane had resisted, claiming that hers were still good and she didn't need two pair.
The doctor had even offered to buy her another pair of boots, but Jane had gotten almost angry at Maura for insinuating that she couldn't afford a new pair herself. The doctor hadn't meant for it to come across that way, sometimes forgetting that Jane was very proud of her blue collar upbringing and wore that pride on her sleeve, very easily ruffled. Maura had apologized profusely and had never brought it up again.
Jane later apologized for overreacting and they both had come to a mutual agreement. Jane would never ask Maura for anything but if Maura felt the uncontrollable urge to give her something, Jane wouldn't fly off the handle and accuse her of throwing her money around.
Two weeks later, a brand new pair of boots were delivered to Jane's apartment. But shortly thereafter, and to Maura's exasperation, Jane just threw the old one's out, so now she was back to the one pair between the two houses. Maura realized then, that Jane would always find a way to get her point across to her best friend. She didn't order Jane a second pair.
Now, Maura was always amused at the way Jane looked, on the rare occasion that she was still awake when the detective showed up late at her house on a week night. She'd be wearing sweats and a t-shirt, sometimes a light jacket, depending on the weather, and sporting her new black work boots on her feet.
"I don't know why you do this." Maura had commented over and over, eliciting the same response from Jane each time.
"I don't know why you did that." She would say, essentially telling Maura to keep her money to herself.
Maura watched quietly as Jane still walked around the living room looking for her boots, before realizing that Maura was right, internally retracing her previous steps from the night before.
"In the guest room." Maura reiterated affably. "I'm sure that's where you'll find them." She said with no hint of sarcasm, sipping her coffee again.
Jane turned and looked at Maura, narrowing her eyes again, then stomping off towards the guest room, saying over her shoulder jokingly as she went. "You know, Maura, nobody likes a know-it-all."
Maura smiled to herself, watching the retreating form of her best friend, whispering softly under her breath, before sipping her coffee again. "I think I know somebody who does."
R&I R&I R&I
Frost looked around his computer monitor at his partner, who sat staring at her own monitor, chin propped up in her hand, eyes glazed.
She was incessantly clicking a ballpoint pen over and over and had been for the past several minutes.
"Jane." He said, getting no response.
He tried again, his tone a little more stern. "Jane."
Still nothing.
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
"Jane!" He bellowed, through gritted teeth, his eyes boring into her.
She jumped, the clicking stopping immediately. "What?! Shit, Frost!"
"Stop doing that!" He said, leaning over his desk closer to her, lowering his voice but his tone still severe.
She looked confused as well as slightly angry. "Stop doing what?!"
He picked up his own pen and began clicking it in the same annoying manner, over and over, staring directly at her.
Understanding flooded her face and she softened her features, dropping the pen onto her desk, closing her eyes. She took a deep breath, cricking her neck to the side, popping it loudly, and then leaning forward onto her elbows, covering her face with her hands, rubbing her eyes with her fingertips, sighing loudly.
Frost knew something had been bothering his partner for a while now, but knew that Jane wouldn't tell him what it was until she was ready, if at all. He sensed that now might be the time to ask.
"What's wrong, Jane?" He asked quietly, still leaned over his desk towards her, scanning the room as he spoke, knowing that if anyone overheard him, there would be no chance of getting any kind of answer from the guarded and very private detective. "You look tired."
Jane finished rubbing her eyes, pulling her fingertips towards the outer corners of them, pulling them down as she slid her hands down her cheeks. She sighed loudly, dropping her hands heavily to her desk, leaning towards him.
"Thanks." She deadpanned, tiredly. "Just the look I was going for."
Frost smirked, leaning back in his chair, getting the exact response he had been expecting. He prepared to drop it, knowing that Jane wasn't going to budge, turning his attention back to his computer, flipping through the open file on his desk, shaking his head, still smiling.
Jane surprised him with her next words.
"You wanna grab some lunch?" She looked at her watch, making sure that it was actually close to midday. She'd lost all track of time. "I'm buying." She added.
Frost looked up at Jane, mock astonishment in his eyes. He pointed to his own chest, looking around the squad room.
"Me?" He said, making wide eyes at her. "Are you talking to me?"
Jane leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest, smirking at him, allowing him his fun.
Frost continued with the show, discreetly, not drawing any more attention to their two desks than wouldn't be drawn on a normal day.
Jane could be very demonstrative. The squad was used to it. They paid them no mind.
Korsak only looked up once from his desk, smiling and shaking his head, dismissing the kids and their games. He was just glad that Jane appeared to be having a bit of fun. She'd seemed so off lately.
"Are my ears deceiving me or did the notoriously cheap Det. Jane Rizzoli just invite me to lunch and say she would pay for it?! Where are we going? The hot dog vendor in the park?"
He laughed heartily, clapping his hands once. "I hear he's got a two for one special after twelve-thirty."
"Keep it up, smartass and I'll rescind my offer." Jane said, reaching into her desk drawer and taking out her wallet, standing. She tucked it into the inside pocket of her jacket which hung on the back of her chair and then swung it over her shoulder. "And I'm not cheap! I'm frugal! At least that's what Maura says."
Frost sat waiting for the punch line, thinking that she had to be kidding.
"Well, come on!" Jane said, impatiently gesturing for him to stand and follow her. "Before I change my mind."
She needed to talk to Frost about the nightmares and, if that went well, about these new feelings that were now beginning to invade her dreams, and also now consuming most of her waking thoughts, as well. If she continued on this path without some outside input, she felt as if her head would explode from the pressure of trying to hide them. And she trusted Frost and valued his opinion.
She walked briskly out of the squad room, her long gait making quick work of the distance.
He jumped up, grabbing his own jacket off the back of his chair and caught up with her as she punched the button for the elevator, turning and smiling at him as he hastily put it on.
"Damn!" She laughed. "Are you that hungry or what?"
He smiled at her slyly. "Yes, I am. And you treating? I'm about to clean up." He said, rubbing his stomach.
They both laughed as the elevator doors opened.
Frost paused before stepping in, letting Jane on first, then standing next to her, punching the button that would take them to the lobby, hoping his hunch was right. "But I really just want to know what's going on between you and the Doc."
Jane's eyes widened but she held her tongue, jaws clenched tight, the doors closing in front of her.
R&I R&I R&I
They sat opposite one another, eating in relative silence. Jane hadn't said anything about his comment and quite frankly, it was beginning to worry him. Had he been way off base, she would have immediately pounced on it and set his mind right.
But she hadn't said a word about it. Not one.
They had spoken very little since he'd voiced it and now, feeling the tension that had settled between them, he was beginning to regret it altogether. He was hoping that she would either deny or confirm the rumors that had been floating around Headquarters since Dr. Isles had taken over for Pike years ago, but she did neither…confirm or deny. He wanted to make it right, but wasn't quite sure how.
He didn't want to seem insensitive to the situation if, in fact, she and Dr. Isles were…involved, but if they weren't and Jane's recent distraction was something else, he needed to know. She was his partner, after all. They depended on each other and not just with their trust, but with their lives.
He was almost sure that Dr. Isles had been the root of Jane's recent faraway behavior, her bloodshot eyes and lack of enthusiasm for the pursuit of justice that was her calling card. Jane hadn't been sloppy with her police work by any stretch, but she wasn't herself and, of course, her partner had noticed it right away.
He thought that maybe they had finally gotten together and that she was finally sowing her oats, the two of them keeping themselves occupied and busy, resulting in Jane's recent lapse in concentration. His instincts told him that he was right, but Jane's reaction, or lack of a reaction, to his comment made him doubt his theory. He needed to know what was going on with her and if she didn't bring it up soon, he would.
He waited patiently during the drive as Jane expertly weaved her way through noonday Boston traffic, going over his questions in his mind, working on how to bring the whole situation up in casual conversation. He also knew that there was a reason that Jane had asked him out to lunch in the first place and if it wasn't to confess her love for Dr. Isles, then he had to figure out why.
He wasn't just jumping to conclusions while he formed his opinion. Jane and Dr. Isles had been almost attached at the hip for the past few weeks, even more than usual.
Regardless, Det. Jane Rizzoli was not herself and had not been for a while. He needed to delicately get to the bottom of this. If he used a heavy hand, Jane would shut down, closing him out, rejecting any further attempt.
Sometimes figuring Jane out was like walking through a minefield. He wouldn't have it any other way. She kept him on his toes…a good place for the partner of Jane Rizzoli to be. She commanded that respect.
They had ended up at the Dirty Robber, Jane giving several different suggestions, but emphasizing how much she loved their burgers, so, since she was paying, Frost had agreed, knowing that no matter where they ate lunch, he really needed to apologize for his misstep.
He and Jane were more than just partners at BPD, they were family.
He was about to speak when Jane beat him to the punch.
"The nightmares are back." She said abruptly, focusing on her plate, moving her side salad around with her fork, her cheeseburger only half eaten.
The fact that she'd even ordered a salad instead of the usual large portion of greasy fries that she would normally opt for to accompany her burger a testament to the ME's considerable influence in her life now, bolstering his theory as to why they where here in the first place.
He sipped his soda, watching her with his light brown eyes, waiting to see if she would continue. When it was obvious the she wasn't going to, he the set the glass down and spoke, twirling the crushed ice with the straw slowly, this new revelation taking him aback. He'd never considered this a possibility, Jane having overcome her past struggles with these demons, or demon, as it were, a long time ago. If he didn't see this coming, maybe he was mistaken about Maura, as well.
"How long?"
Jane hadn't met his eyes since she'd confessed. She dropped her fork onto her plate, pushing it away from her, leaning back in the booth, moving her hands into her lap, still focusing on the plate in front of her. She took a deep breath and then looked up at him.
"About two months."
Dark chocolate eyes met caramel.
"Jesus, Jane. That long?" He said, shaking his head. "No wonder you look like shit."
"Gee, thanks, partner." She mock smiled. "Now why don't you tell me how you really feel. Twice in one day."
His eyes softened. "You know what I mean, Jane." He paused before asking. "Have you gone back to the shrink?"
Jane shook her head. "Not yet."
"Are you going to?"
Jane thought about her next words. "If they don't stop soon, yes."
She looked back down at her plate again. "They're getting…" she shook her head, leaving the sentence hanging.
Frost knew he was gonna have to ask this next question at some point, but considering the chilly response he'd gotten from Jane the last time he brought up the subject, he wished he could put it off. He forged onward, hoping he could sneak in his apology if she responded favorably.
"Does Dr. Isles know?"
Jane's eyes shot up at the mention of Maura.
'Don't bite his head off, Jane.' She thought to herself. 'It's a perfectly legitimate question. He deserves an answer. And while you're at it, why don't you unburden yourself and tell him how you feel about her. You can't hide this forever.'
Seeing her reaction, Frost held his hands up in front of him. "I'm sorry if that was out of bounds, but if she doesn't know, you should tell her, Jane." He dropped his own hands into his lap. "She really cares about you."
'Oh, for fuck's sake, Jane! Just tell him!" She thought, resigning herself, her heart beginning to beat faster at the sheer gravity of what she was about to do.
She nodded. "She knows. She's already threatened to red card me if it gets any worse and I don't go see the shrink." She paused, considering her next words, not quite ready to completely come clean. Feeling out the situation was one of the things that made her such a great detective.
"Where do you think I go when it gets too bad for me to be alone, Frost? I spend at least two nights a week over at her place now." She looked away, finding a point across the room to focus on, her jaw clenching. "Sometimes more. She's the only one that can chase him away. It's like he's scared of her or something." She smiled at the thought.
Frost smiled with her, loving the awkward but soft-hearted CME a little bit more for standing up to Jane, making sure she was taken care of, even if Jane couldn't or worse, wouldn't, do it for herself.
He became serious, his apology long overdue now.
"I'm sorry for that little crack I made earlier about you two being…" He trailed off, not knowing how to finish the statement. "It's none of my business and I know better than to assume anything about your relationship with the Doc. It's just that I've been hearing the rumors for so long that I jumped to conclusions. And it seems that I jumped to the wrong conclusions."
Jane furrowed her brow. "What rumors?"
His heart lurched up into his throat.
'Oh, shit, Barry!' He thought quickly. 'She doesn't know. You fucking idiot. Wait! How could she not know?!'
All this time, he just thought she'd been handling it really well. In hindsight, he should've known better. Jane didn't mind when people called her unsavory names and sometimes joked about her sexuality. She'd been putting up with that for years. She was a highly decorated female detective in a mostly all male precinct in an almost all male profession, after all. But he knew that it would be a different story altogether if someone were to belittle Maura or besmirch her name in any way.
There would be hell to pay if Jane thought that someone were even contemplating doing anything that would cause the doctor the slightest bit of discomfort or pain. He'd seen it first hand in the past, which probably only reinforced people's belief that they were sleeping together.
He suddenly realized he had one of two options. He could play it off, laughing about the whole thing, minimizing the gossip that had truly been going on for years, but he knew that she would immediately go to Korsak and ask him about it, which he was sure she was going to do anyway. And in the end, Korsak would give her the actual truth, as hard as it would be for her to hear and accept.
Or he could just bite the bullet and be honest with her upfront, telling her some of the harsh things that had been said behind her back, especially right after Dr. Isles first accepted the position and everyone saw how well they took to each other from the start.
"Frost!" Jane said, her eyes wide. "What rumors?" She asked, even though she had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that she already knew what he was going to say. Maybe she hadn't been hiding her feelings as well as she thought she had been.
He hesitated, deciding to go the honesty route. She was going to find out soon enough now.
"Well…people have been talking about you and Dr. Isles…being a couple." He said, looking her directly in the eyes, watching as she took a quick breath and held it. "Well, not really a couple, per se."
He hesitated again.
Jane was becoming impatient and as much as she didn't want to hear what he was telling her, she needed to hear it.
"What does that mean, not 'per se'?" She asked, licking her dry lips.
He hesitated still, hating to have to be so vulgar.
"Dammit, Frost! Just tell me! All of it! I'm a big girl! I can handle it."
"They've been calling you both fuck buddies." He said, grimacing, his heart aching a little at having to be the one to say the actual words, knowing the damage they were going to do to Jane's ego and sense of honor. She was never one to have casual sexual relationships and even if she were, she would never entertain doing that with Dr. Isles. She respected her too much.
Jane leaned forward slowly and put her elbows onto the table, covering her eyes with her hands, grimacing, her mind immediately going to Maura, a long slow groan escaping.
"Does Maura know?" She asked, her eyes still covered. "Has she heard about any of this?"
"I don't know." He answered honestly. "If she does, she's never said anything to either me or Korsak."
"Oh, my God." She said softly. "Korsak." The enormity of how this news was going to affect her life starting to sink in and she hadn't even told Frost about her own relatively new attraction towards her best friend. She wasn't sure she was going to now. One cluster fuck at a time.
Frost leaned forward and said softly. "Jane, look at me."
Jane slowly moved her hands from her eyes to her forehead, looking up from her plate into his eyes, finding them full of love and empathy.
"It's not that big of a deal, you know." He said, smiling slightly. "It doesn't affect your job or how good you are at it. And the fact that no one has ever said anything to you about any of this to your face for all these years should attest to the fact that they are all still scared shitless of you."
She snorted laughter, dropping her hands to her lap again. "Thanks, Barry." She said, before she realized exactly what he'd just said. "Wait…years?! How long have people been talking about us behind our backs anyway?!"
Frost's eyes went wide for a second. "Well…kinda since she started working with us."
"Jesus, fuck." Jane said, quietly, shaking her head looking off to the side at nothing in particular, trying to wrap her head around just how blind she'd been to everything and for how long. She looked back quickly to Frost.
"You and Korsak haven't been adding grist to the mill, have you? Please tell me you haven't."
'Shit!' Jane thought. 'That totally sounded like something Maura would say! I'm so fucked!'
Frost shook his head slowly. "No, Jane. We've never talked about it to anyone except each other and then only in passing. Everything that we've ever said has been complementary and well intentioned. We just overhear things, that's all."
Jane closed her eyes again, trying to keep some perspective.
Frost sat back in the booth. "It's not like it's so horrible to be gay, Jane. You know that my mother is a lesbian. Remember?" He said, only slightly offended by his partner's reaction to the revelation that she and Maura had been the star of a lot of people's whispered conversations over the years.
Jane and Maura had both been invited to his mother's and her longtime companion's wedding, after all.
Jane's eyes flew open and she leaned forward towards him. "Oh, God! Barry, that's not why I'm upset at all! I've been called a dyke pretty much my whole life and at this point I could give two shits anymore. I'm not gay and I know it so who cares if the morons I work with beat off to whatever bullshit fantasy they've built up in their own minds." She paused, gathering herself for the next words, biting the bullet and moving forward.
"Or at least I didn't think I was gay until very recently." She paused, this being the first time in her entire life she'd ever spoken those words aloud. "I just don't want Maura hurt. Obviously, I'm very protective of her. She doesn't have a thick skin like I do and I don't know how she'll take this. I mean…if she doesn't already know."
Frost smiled again, always amazed at how Jane always put Maura ahead of herself in any given situation. He wanted to break some of the tension that was slowly building again.
"So, this means you're not, nor have you ever been, knockin' boots with her then?" He smirked.
Jane looked supremely offended. "No!" She almost yelled. "God! Why are you so crude?"
Frost laughed, holding his hands up, realizing by her reaction that Jane was in deep with Dr. Isles, even though she'd not admitted to anything yet. Just how deep had yet to be revealed. "Sorry! I just wanted to be clear. Korsak and I have a bet."
"What?! Are you serious?!" She said, brows knitting together. "Tell me you're not serious!"
She looked at Frost and knew instantly that he wasn't lying. She rolled her eyes, shaking her head, folding her arms over her chest again.
"Well?" She asked, gathering her nerves. "What's the bet?"
Frost laughed, knowing that Jane never took herself too seriously. "Whether or not you two would end up together."
"And?" She asked, leaning forward again, pursing her lips, her heart flip-flopping at the thought. "Do we?"
"I've got twenty bucks riding on yes." He answered honestly, his hazel eyes twinkling brightly. "I already thought you had gotten together a long time ago. Even when you got engaged to Casey, I thought it was because you were running from how you really felt about Dr. Isles. And then when you broke it off with him, I thought for sure you two had finally hooked up."
He leaned forward, tilting his head, much as Maura did when she had something of importance to express. "So you're telling me that you and she have never slept together, not even once?"
His eyes were serious, no hint of predatory behavior or tomfoolery shining in them.
Jane narrowed her eyes at him, not quite ready to forgive him for discussing her and Maura's possible personal involvement. "Not that is any of either you or Korsak's business…" She opened her arms up, gesturing around the restaurant discreetly, knowing it was a hangout for her colleagues..."or apparently the entire precinct's business for that matter, but no. We have not. Not even once."
Frost picked up his soda glass again, poking the crushed ice with the straw, before he asked the million dollar question, quirking up one eyebrow.
"Do you want to, Jane?"
Jane immediately gave up trying to hide it, knowing that she could trust Frost with her life and at this point just needing someone else to know about her attractions. Jane considered for a millisecond lying to her partner of almost seven years, her heart racing, the implications and repercussions of her admission streaking through her mind, all of the scenarios that she'd considered and all of the denials that she still could make. She banished the thought immediately. She knew that Frost would know she was lying.
She leaned forward again, her elbows on the table, palms covering her eyes.
"Do you want to, Jane?" He repeated, leaning forward and grabbing her forearms gently.
"Oh, my God, yes!" The words whooshed out of her before she could stop them, his warm touch and the compassion in his voice breaking through her defenses, the past two months of nightmares priming her for a confession. Hearing her own words, she sat up and moved out of his grasp, pushing herself back into the booth, moving her hands back into her lap.
She thought long and hard about her next words. Frost waited patiently, understanding that this was it…the entire reason that they sat here in the first place.
"But I want more than just sex, Barry." She almost whispered, eyes on her hands. "I think I'm in love with her."
She looked up at her partner, who was leaning forward across the table over both of their forgotten lunch plates, his hands open and his eyes intentional, full of compassion and empathy.
Jane squirmed under his honest gaze, not used to being laid bare so completely. She fidgeted, picking at the small hangnail on her thumb underneath the table, her mind racing.
"Jane." Frost whispered softly, understanding her consternation. He had never seen her this side of her. A part of him felt privileged that she would even allow it.
She didn't look up.
Jane Rizzoli was a bastion of power and control. He needed her to understand that that is how he still viewed her.
"Jane." He whispered again, smiling. "I'm so happy for you…for you both."
Jane took a deep breath, shaking her head, still looking at her hands.
"Don't be, Frost." She laughed bitterly. "She has no idea."
He saw Jane's serious naïveté and laughed out loud and heartily, throwing his head back, losing himself in the absurdity in Jane's statement, too late to realize that she truly was completely clueless.
Then he suddenly felt like shit again for the second time that day. Understanding how Jane felt and how difficult it must be for her to admit those feelings, not only to herself, but to him, as well, he immediately stopped laughing, finding Jane's confused eyes.
Jane had just inadvertently confirmed his earlier assumption.
"Are you kidding?" He asked, his own confusion showing in his eyes. "I mean, you wore the same colored clothes into work today. Wait!" He backpedaled. "You are kidding, right?! Jane?!"
He immediately knew she was not.
"What the fuck was that?" Jane asked, anger bubbling up into her words, her mind barely registering that she and Maura had worn the same dark red into work. "I've never said that out loud, Barry! Not even to myself!" She leaned forward, pointing an accusatory finger at him across the table, saying just loud enough for him to hear. "And you fucking laugh?!"
She moved herself out of the booth, standing quickly, leaning back in and grabbing her jacket, which lay on the seat. She fished around looking for her wallet, unable to locate the inside pocket, her anger getting the best of her, her inability to locate her wallet adding to it.
"Shit!" She hissed under her breath, her hand frantically searching for the inside pocket, her jacket flopping around in her hand.
Frost immediately jumped up and grabbed her upper arms, leaning in and whispering into her ear. "Stop, Jane. I'm sorry I laughed, but don't do this here."
He found her furious eyes, holding them, and then looked around the restaurant, purposefully. "Don't do this here." He repeated. "I deserve whatever you have to say to me, Jane. I know I do. But let's do it in the parking lot or in the car. Anywhere but in here."
Jane finally found the pocket and slid her hand inside, taking her wallet out, holding Frost's eyes the entire time, her breathing rapid, her jaw clenching.
"Jane." He leaned in, holding her eyes, dropping his hands to his own sides, doing his best to keep her calm, knowing that restraining her in any manner would trip her defense mechanism, an understandable holdover since Hoyt, accomplishing the complete opposite of what he needed for Jane to be doing right now.
"Just walk outside." He said amiably. "Let me explain. Please?"
She looked down and opened her wallet, moving her jacket over her forearm, attempting to take out the proper amount of bills, her hand shaking, her anger barely contained.
He put both of his hands over hers, steadying them, calming them, his eyes waiting for hers as he watched her struggling to compose herself, her jaw clenching uncontrollably. She stilled her hands, her breathing rapid, her eyes filling with tears and hating herself for allowing any of this to happen.
She was beginning to hate herself for her admission.
Frost whispered to his partner, feeling her panic, anger and anxiety. "Please, Jane. Just walk outside. Meet me at the car. I know you are hurting right now. I know you want to tell me about how bad it really is. I want to hear it. Let's just talk about this." He backed up, releasing her hands, taking out his own wallet. "But let's just do it outside. This room has ears…and eyes."
He was referring to the Robber being a cop hangout. Word travels fast. He wanted to spare his partner any more sideways looks and behind the hand whispers.
Jane looked up, the sound of her partner's soothing voice breaking her anger lock, finding his calm light brown eyes.
He smiled and nodded, leaning his head toward the door.
She nodded back, handing him her wallet. "Here. My treat, Frost. I already said. Take whatever. Leave a good tip, please. I'll see you in the car." She turned towards the door, but turned back. "I'm still driving."
She spoke as if she were dreaming, the shock of the revelations of the day, coupled with her lack of sleep and the confession of her feelings taking their cumulative toll. She walked toward the door with purpose, but in a fog.
Frost watched her go, making sure she made it out of the restaurant okay before he opened Jane's wallet and took out a twenty and a ten. He folded them in half and then in half again, tucking them back into her wallet behind her driver's license. He then took out two twenties from his own wallet and dropped them onto the table, signaling to the server that they were done and leaving.
He stood up straight, grabbing his own jacket from the booth and looked discreetly around the room, making sure no one had seen what had transpired between the two of them. Satisfied, he walked towards the door.
He should've been honest with his partner from the beginning about this whole thing.
Barry Frost had some explaining to do and he knew it. It was about time. He couldn't wait.
I love Det. Barry Frost…I'll always write him into my stories. His character will never die…even if the talented, beautiful young man who played him did.
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