A/N: Nothing to say right now besides—a cappella!
Chapter 1: On the Road to the Mushroom Kingdom
…Falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, this is the greatest story ever, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling…
It never seemed to end. But then, after popping right into a narrow chimney, Mario's falling spree seemed to stop abruptly as he landed in a soft, cushiony, vaguely familiar bed.
"I remember this bed from somewhere…" Mario muttered with suspicion. "Oh, god, don't tell me I got drunk and slept with Toadette at her house again! Toad will be so pissed!!" The plumber hopped up and ran around the room in anguish, trying to find an exit…well, okay, he apparently wasn't trying too hard, since there was a door right in front of him at the room's other side…
Mario then stopped after looking all around the room. He then realized with relief that he just landed in his own house, and he chuckled innocently.
"Oh, NO!" he then said suddenly. "I'm in my house! Toad—uh—Pea—uh—Toadstool! Where's Princess Toadstool!? Last thing I remember was some huge explosion, then me, Bowser, and the princess were all sent flying in different directions across the kingd—Oh. That's what happened. Okay then. Anyway…PRIIIIINCESSSSSSSSSS! WHEEEEEEERRRRRRRE AAAAAAAAAARE YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!??"
"Calm down, tubby," snapped a nearby voice from the door. Toad, the princess' most loyal subject of all the…uh…Toads, came through the door and strode up to Mario. "I heard some really loud noise at your house from my garden, and I figured you were once again having more 'fun' with Toadette while the walls were literally shaking and the earth was literally quaking…wow, I just kind of quoted an AC/DC song…Anyway, that isn't the point right now! So I ran over to investigate the 'fun' you guys were having when, whaddya know, I saw you wriggling your fat ass through the chimney top. I was still suspicious, so I checked through the window. No Toadette, though. You're lucky this time. Sleep with my gal again, and you can consider yourself lynched, Mario."
But Mario wasn't listening. Instead, he was busy mastering the ancient Mongolian art of sleeping with eyes open and picking oneself's nose, both at the same time. Toad screamed, "…MARIOOOOO!!!" to get the plumber's attention, and, of course, he did.
"And also, Mario, there's this wonderful thing they invented in the past few millennia called a 'door' that people use to enter their houses…" Toad continued.
"Quiet, smart ass," Mario snapped. "I fell through the chimney only because I was going to rescue Toadstool from Bowser and failed miserably."
"How miserably?" asked Toad.
"Oh, miserably," Mario said, sadly nodding.
"…Yeah…" Toad whispered.
"Mmm-hmm," said Mario.
"Okay…"
"…Yep…"
"Alright then."
"Uh-huh."
"So…yeah, then…"
"Sure."
"…'kay…"
"…Yup."
This small talk went on awkwardly for about three more hours until Mario actually told Toad how everything suddenly went wrong while rescuing Toadstool.
"Dear gawd, that's awful!" Toad yelled. "You need to find the princess, Mario! And you also need to find….ah, forget Bowser. But still, you must head out NOW!"
"Okay…" said Mario. "But first, if you don't mind, I need a bit of rest. Maybe something around three whole months of it. It's been a hard day's night, after all."
"Forget it, those excuses ain't gonna work on me," Toad snapped. He forcefully dragged Mario out of his house as the fat plumber commenced his whining and tantrum fits. When outside, Toad smacked Mario on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, and continued dragging him to the dirt trail leading to the main village of the Mushroom Kingdom.
"Well…" Toad said, sniffling like a father from a dramatic movie leaving his son to go to college. "…Well, uh, I guess you should go now, son…"
"Uh…okay then, 'Dad'," said Mario, raising a suspicious eyebrow. But then the plumber began to sadly wheeze as well.
"I can't believe that…After all these doggone years…You're finally goin'…" sniffled Toad, smiling even though he was now crying like a newborn infant.
"Yeah…Look, Dad, I'll miss you…" Mario sniffed. "Aw, hell, bye, papa…I oughta be goin'…"
"I'll miss you. Have a great time at college," gurgled Toad. The two then began embracing, which was a pretty disturbing sight for Toadette and Mario's other neighbors to see. But they watched anyway. I dunno why.
To make things even incredibly creepier, Toad and Mario began vigorously kissing and touching each other after a while of hugging. The female neighbors began enjoying this, grabbing bags of popcorn to eat as they watched and whatnot, but it then began to get so freaking weird that Toadette screamed, "OKAY, OKAY, WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH! GAAAH, MY EYES!"
Toad and Mario finally let go of each other, and both carelessly and indifferently said "Bye," to one another, heading in separate directions.
And so began Mario's journey to college and manhood…Well, not really.
---
Mushroom Way
Mario was now well along the path to the Mushroom Kingdom's main village and the chancellor's castle when suddenly, two huge, bulky Koopas with helmets, uniforms, and hammers stormed up to him. One of them, for some reason, wore ducky flippers on his feet, while the other wore a spinning top-shaped hat. These two Koopa Troop soldiers were known by the codenames Ducky and Topper. I currently have the uncontrollable urge to laugh at what I am typing right now.
"Hey, yous! Gets outta da way an' stay outta da way!" Ducky snapped at Mario.
"Yea, yous!" snarled Topper.
"Wow, do I have to teach you folks a grammar lesson?" Mario said innocently, then shrugging. "C'mon, let's fight."
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 15/15
FP: 8/8
VS.
Hammer Bros. "Ducky" HP: 25/25
Hammer Bros. "Topper" HP: 25/25
Mario uses standard attack. Does 6 damage to Topper.
Ducky uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.
Topper uses Hammer Toss. Does 4 damage to Mario.
Mario uses Jump on Ducky. Does 7 damage.
Ducky uses standard attack. Misses Mario.
Topper uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.
Mario uses Jump on Ducky. Does 8 damage.
Ducky uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.
Topper uses Hammer Time, and…
"Now—STOP!...HAMMER TIME!" yelled Topper. A bunch of colored lights began shining everywhere without warning, and the battlefield became a rave in mere seconds.
"…The hell?" muttered Mario. "What's going on?"
"Go with the flow, in a spin, if you can't move to this then you are probably dead—" Topper began rapping. Then, out of nowhere…
The audience kills Topper for being a terrible dancer and rapper. The battlefield goes back to normal.
"Uh…" stuttered Ducky. "Uh-ohs…"
Mario uses Topper's hammer on Ducky. Does 8 damage. Ducky faints!
A VICTORY IS MARIO!
MARIO LEVELS UP TO LEVEL 2! CHOOSES TO INCREASE HP BY 3!
MARIO GAINS A FLOWER TAB! FP IS INCREASED BY 1!
MARIO GETS A HAMMER!
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
"Oooooh…." muttered Ducky, "my poor little head…" He dropped dead to the ground.
"Ooooooh yeah!" yelled Mario, pumping a fist in the air victoriously as he equipped the Hammer he won from Topper. He continued down the yellow brick road, singing a jolly song—uh, yeah, something like that…
---
"Later"
Mario was minding his own business, walking down the road, noticing that the village was now fortunately only a few kilometers away. Then, suddenly, our hero was ambushed by a familiar brown enemy!
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 18/18
FP: 9/9
VS.
Goomba #1 HP: 7
Goomba #2 HP: 7
Goomba #3 HP: 7
Mario uses Hammer on Goomba #1. Does 9 damage. Goomba #1 faints!
Goomba #2 uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.
Goomba #3 uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.
Mario uses Hammer on Goomba #3. Does 8 damage. Goomba #3 faints! Mario gains an extra attacking turn!
Mario uses Hammer on Goomba #2. Does 10 damage. Goomba #2 faints!
A VICTORY IS MARIO!
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
Mario moved on towards the village, not wanting to be interrupted by any more annoying battles. But then, just as he was about to step onto the first patch of grass of the village ground, a light flashed, the random battle jingle from Pokémon sounded, and a fight began! Oh, JOY!
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 18/18
FP: 9/9
VS.
Hammer Bros. "Ducky" V2.0 HP: 250/250
"What the?!—" Mario cried in disbelief. "But I thought I—"
"You DIDN'T kill me, fool!" yelled Ducky in a very roboticized voice. "Just before I became a cold, dead corpse on the ground, I transferred my very soul to this backup plan of mine—A super robot version of me! But you should only be worried about my 250 HP! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"I was just about to ask about that incredibly HIGH and UNFAIR stat!" snapped Mario, emphasizing certain words to get through the developers' thick skulls.
"It's too late. You're doomed now, buddy boy!" cried Ducky V2.0, breathing fire into the air as he laughed evilly. The sky began turning gray as thunderstorms and thick black clouds rolled in.
"Sheesh…" muttered Mario in frustration.
"Now, everybody in the world shall watch on their precious HDTVs addictively as I destroy you, ripping you apart like mere paper!" Ducky V2.0 cackled. "Your time has come, Mario! You're gonna get a one-way ticket to He—"
Then it began raining.
Ducky V2.0 rusts from the severe amount of rain.
A VICTORY IS MARIO!
MARIO WINS A SUPER MUSHROOM!
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
"Aw, damn…" Ducky's robotic form whimpered as it exploded into a brilliant ball of flame before Mario's eyes.
Never had Mario seen such a spectacular sight in his puny existence! Oh, how those flames crackled before him! The whole big fireball looked like a barbecue gone terribly wrong! Simply amazing how all that red and orange dashed the sky with astonishment! Mario watched on, amazed and addicted to the bright fiery colors as they—
"Meh, it's nothing special," Mario interrupted, yawning, stretching, and shrugging before heading off into the main village of the Mushroom Kingdom.
……
A/N: Well, seems like Mario is now nearing the chancellor's castle! Will he tell everyone about the whole incident at Bowser's Keep, or will he keep quiet and screw around at the joke shop while he's here at the village?! Only one way to find out! Guess what that one way will be?...
Anyway, for now, go ahead and review.