A/N: REBOOOS!
So, I go home with my "daughter" and start cooking diner. It will be a bad dinner tonight, but I do not care about my b*tch of a daughter because she is annoying bratty and winy.
"Hey, Dad," Bella says, face all blank and pale and lifeless, "what's for dinner?"
"Why don't you make it yourself?" I ask, pulling my bushy eyebrows into a glare, pulling open a cabinet door and taking out two bottles of beer. I toss her one and pull open mine with my teeth. "Or are you just going to move in here and not contribute at all?"
"No, no," Bella mutters, looking at the floor. "Of course."
As she takes out some pasta and puts it in the sink, I take a long, deep sip from the bottle. If my mother could see me now, she'd throw a fit. I can just see her face. But she's not here. It's not up to her. It's my life.
My disappointing offspring takes a gulp from her bottle and instantly spits it into the pasta. "Dad, what is this?"
"It's beer," I say. What else would it be?
"Oh," She says, stirring the pasta. "Right."
I look at her with a look of pure disgust. How can a "human" reject such a beverage? She can no longer live in my house. She is like a tumor. I have to remove this disgusting tumor from my life, but how? Right now, I needed to feed the slug. I throw together some moldy bread and some milk past its expiration date. She won't tell the difference. Her taste buds are like burnt charcoal. "Do you like expired milk?" I ask. "Ew." she says horribly. I focus on her acne. What a disgusting face. How could any man set his eyes on such a monstrosity? If I were a boy her age I would stuff her in a locker. What a B*&ch.
Bella eats her dinner, chewing the food as slow as a teenage girl chewing. Disgusting. I shake my head and go into the living room, leaving her to finish her meal in silence. Why did I agree to let her stay here in the first place?
Oh. Right. Because I'm a f*cking moron.
A knock on the front door. I get to my feet, cursing under my breath. What asshole is coming at this time of night? If I had a gun, I'd be bringing it with me about now. Some lives are just not worthwhile.
But when I open the door, I'm glad I didn't bring one of my many weapons. Standing on the front porch, the sun sparkling off of her skin, is an extremely hot young woman, with long brown hair and blue eyes that take up half her face.
"Hello," I say.
"Hello," the girl says with a wide grin that stretches across her face like a smile. "I'm Alice."
Obnoxious bitch bothering me at this time of night. "How can I help you."
The girl's grin widens. "Do you want to have sex?"
If my mother could see me, she'd sure as heckfire disapprove. But she's not watching. I open the door wider. "Please, come in."
She comes in like the prostitute whore she is. She smiles again with her annoying cat grin. Her big teeth look like rotten marshmallows. She sits opposite me with her slutty dress buttoned up. Why won't she take it off? Her only in life is to pleasure men like me. I want to hug her all night. She looks at me intently with her brown eyes that look like sewage.
"Wow," she says. "You're really handsome."
"Why, thank you, Ms. Cullen." Idiot probably says that to every guy.
And then we start smooching.
A/N: Okay, so, me and Bradley worked REALLY hard on this caper, so pleasepleasePLEASE reboo!