How would life be different if I could go back in time and make sure her and I had became friends freshman year instead of enemies, if we had been in just one of the same classes, or I had found mutual friends so we could get closer?
Four words.
She would be mine.
Her and I would be best friends right now if not lovers. Her and I would have had dozens of duets together. She would have more solos than I have, just so I can hear her angelic voice, and others could learn to appreciate it as much as I do. It wouldn't be the unholy trinity, it would be the Terrific two, just her and I. She wouldn't have gotten so close to Santana, I wouldn't have let her get that close to Santana. She wouldn't have gotten pregnant, or at the least she wouldn't have been as alone through the pregnancy. She would have talked to me about everything. Having been able to discuss anything, I would have mentioned to her my possible attraction to girls. And she would have accepted it. I would have been able to hold her through all her hard times, rubbing circles on her back as she cried onto my shoulder. Whispered sweet nothings about how everything would be okay, no matter what, because I was there for her, always. I would have protected her, always. And I would like to think she would do the same. We would have gone to the mall together all the time, have had sleepovers and talked with my dads. Probably would have avoided her house, but I would have wanted to meet her parents at least once. Her idiot of a father would have disapproved of our friendship because of my fathers, but we wouldn't care. Everytime he would try to keep us apart it would only bring us closer together. If he would have kicked her out, she would live with me. She would have been upset about it and as I always did I would be her shoulder to cry on. Around this time in reality in our highschool careers I would have the feelings I have now, if not stronger. At this point I would ask her to go to dinner and a movie with me, only this time it would mean so much more than it had in the past. I would make sure to pay for dinner, breadstix of course, to make it official, and the movie would be a romantic comedy, our favorite kind. After the night was over, as we were on our drive back I would stop at an icecream shop, that we would have discovered had her favorite flavor along with a wide vegan selection. As we are sitting there I would look her in the eyes, those green eyes with the hint of orange that give me butterflies everytime they look in my direction, and I would tell her how I feel. How I love her as more than a friend, that she has been an amazing best friend, and I feel that lately we have been on the brink of something further. And that no matter her answer the the thing I was going to ask next I would love her all the same, and we'd never stop being at the least best friends. And then those six words would dance out of my mouth, "Will you go out with me?" And whether or not she takes my hand and stares into my eyes and says, "Yes" and we come out together or she takes my hand and shyly whispers, "I don't feel the same, but I love you, you are my bestfriend, and you will always be my bestfriend". It wouldn't matter. Because I tried, and she would know how I felt. And she would still be mine.
But that isn't the way it is. Time machines don't exist. We didn't become friends back then, and even though we are closer now, we are nowhere near as close as we would need to be for all this. She barely knows me, we have never been together outside school for anything except a few school functions. She has a boyfriend, she did get pregnant, she has best friends already. She has other people to go to for comfort, why would she come to me? I will keep trying to get closer to her, but no matter what, none of this is possible. There isn't the time to make any of this possible. There will never be a chance for us. She will never love me or see me the way I see her.
Five Words
She Will Never Be Mine