Disclaimer: still not mine
A/N: A second and last chapter from a different point of view. (Finally got the inspiration.) You might want to re-read the first chapter, seeing as I posted it way back last December.
This Is Me Pretending This Is All I Need
--Chapter Two--
I needed an excuse to get out, and so of course you appeared, as if by magic, clutching that excuse in your hands and pushing me back into second place once again. It was the last straw. It wasn't anything I hadn't dealt with for years, but I was scared, and some things had faded just a little too much. So I walked away. I saw you, sitting there crying over her again, and I had to leave. I walked out the door and pretended that every ounce of me wasn't begging to turn back, to change my mind. I needed to be strong, just this once, because I couldn't come after her anymore. I felt stuck, waiting for you to notice me standing behind those memories and photographs and tears.
Something broke when you looked up at me with your haunted eyes and I just couldn't stay any longer. I always thought that us being together would solve everything. And for awhile it did; you were happy, and I thought I was too. We were in love. It was what I had wanted for so long, and nothing else mattered to me. Except maybe that look you never quite managed to cover up in time, the one that told me you were thinking of her. I couldn't be with someone who spends all his time wishing for someone else.
I can't bear to think of you being alone, so I don't let myself. I immerse myself in everything around me, working and eating and sleeping and waking up to do it all over again. I scare myself when I think. I can fill my head with the most painful pictures, and I only end up hating myself even more for what I may or may not have done to you. I don't know if you're okay. I would call, just to hear your voice and make sure I hadn't lost you forever, but I can't. I know that the sound of your voice would be my undoing, and it would mean me coming home to you and who knows when I would get up the courage to leave again. And I'm sure you're fine. You have your memories and pictures of both of them, and a lot of the time those seemed to be the only things you really needed.
I don't know if what I did was fair or not. I don't know if I was too impatient, if I should have simply waited for you to grieve, for you to be ready for me. But it was so hard... I had been ready for you for far longer than I myself had even realized, and it felt like I had already given the both of us so much time. I began to wonder if you would ever stop mourning for her long enough to love me as much as I love you. It's not like I wanted to replace her or anything so impossible. I only wanted you. And I don't think I ever got what I wanted.
Before that night we first kissed, I had accepted and understood that I was second to April, and later to Mimi. That was the way it was supposed to be. But after that night, I needed more than that. I had switched roles, I began to play a different part, only some things didn't change as I expected they would. It was me you kissed, me you held at night, but there was a piece of you that I don't think could ever have been mine. It belongs to her, it always will. I will never be your song. It has been difficult to accept, but I finally know what I should have been able to see all along. I was, am, and will always be second best to you. And that is no longer enough. The only thing left to do is move on. I just hope I can.