iii.
An excruciating wail immediately roused me from sleep. The familiar, yet never before heard noise struck me like a jolt of electricity. Blood rushed to my brain as I sat myself up. My head weighed more than usual, the disorientation akin to being unconscious for days. Resting my forehead on my knees, I waited for the throbbing to stop before scanning the contents of the unknown chamber. I knew the bed was not my own, and the room was too small to belong to anyone in the Phantomhive household...
Without a moment to speculate where I was, the voice called out again. The thrum of my heart increased when I realized the reason I stirred. Ignoring my disheveled appearance, I rose to my feet and scampered out a foreign door in search of the source.
Running through corridors of faded wallpaper, my feet dirtied with each step. Portraits of unfamiliar faces hung on the walls. Their images were meticulously painted. Precise brushstrokes filled canvases with ashen faces, each one featuring the same, vacant stare. The closer I was to the sound, the more uncomfortable I became, conscious that their eyes were following me.
My mouth was parched by the time I maneuvered between molding coffins and broken jars. Stacked haphazardly, they blocked the halls, giving off an unpleasant stench. When I wasn't careful enough, a shard of glass penetrated my heel. Wincing, I pressed on. Something was wrong, and I was determined to figure out what it was.
Paying no attention to the trail of smeared blood, I found the wooden door standing in the way of me and the culprit. I lifted a steady hand to pry the entrance open, and peaked inside. Nothing could prepare me for the scene behind the doors.
In the middle of Undertaker's shop were two coffins pushed together that passed off as a table. A thin, veiled cloth draped over them, spilling over the edges, and moving fluidly as the being laying on it thrashed about. Its limbs contorted in a disturbingly jerky fashion as if it were unable to control its movements. Undertaker hovered anxiously over the creature. It seemed nothing he did could appease it. Countless times I heard him mumble 'sorry', as if he was to blame for its suffering. Whether it was another one of his failed experiments, I did not care. I would put it out of its misery.
The door hinge creaked, alerting the reaper that I was there. Both heads turned and I was finally given a better glimpse of the figure.
"Young...Aarguhh..."
Undertaker moved swiftly towards me, trying to block my view. I tried to look past him as he gently pushed me out the room, but all I could see was his expression of absolute pity. I immediately knew why.
Shoving him into an empty coffin, I stepped closer to the body. He fell backwards and yanked me by my collar, pulling me along. Spinning around, I elbowed him in the ribcage and kicked him off as hard as I could muster, my elbow bruising in an instant. Yet that did not stop either of us. In the same motion, he lurched forward, this time wrapping his arms around my own to disable an upcoming attack.
"Who do you think you are? Let go of me!" I insisted, stomping on his toes fight him off.
"Mas-n-nghh."
I stopped resisting and reverted my attention to the man laying on the coffins. He stared right back at me. Sangria met cobalt, and his brows dipped into a low furrow, the corners of his mouth curving downward. Except, something was different about them. While the colour was still similar, a dull mahogany replaced the once fiery red.
An unfathomable babel escaped his lips. His arm extended in my direction, and for the briefest moment, I thought he was calling me. Clearing the lump in my throat I demanded,
"What's going on?"
Undertaker sighed, his muscles unclenching. The moment his grip on me slackened, I slapped his hands away and stepped back to face him.
Furious, I yelled, "What's happening?" He didn't even look at me before walking back to the coffins.
"He's...human..." Undertaker sighed, avoiding my glare. In that instant, a violent convulsion took over Sebastian. His eyes rolled back into his head and up towards the ceiling in a spasm liken to when I first walked in. As the fit continued, the arch of his back rose, his chest thrusting higher into the air, only to smash back into the lid of a coffin. The bones in his spine gave way with a loud crack. The reaper retreated, and lifted his arm to restrain me.
"What?"
The cry was paralyzing. It was his silvery voice, the one that belonged to the missing presence I expected at the side of my bed when I awoke. There was no way I could mistake it for anyone else. His voice, once calm and laced with an incomparable smoothness, was now coarse. It was harsh against my ears, holding the affinity to those with corrosive liquid poured down their throats.
"Se-sebastian?" I called, hesitantly walking over, "What does he mean?"
The pounding in my ears returned with the force of a roaring crescendo, until everything else was muted by my heartbeat. An unrelenting chill washed over me. My fingers were grew numb as another illicit sob slipped past him, and his thrashing eventually ceased. When his chest was the only thing moving, and he seemed to be no threat, Undertaker released me. Then, grabbing an empty bucket on the floor, he nodded in my direction, his eyes not quite meeting mine.
"I'll...give you two some time," he said, before excusing himself. It made no difference to me where he went, my mind currently occupied by the human before me.
"Sebastian, answer me." He growled in response to me grabbing his jacket sleeve.
And then I remembered. I remembered the moments leading up to the end. I remembered what he did before I closed my eyes. I remembered our deal.
"WHY AM I STILL ALIVE?! This wasn't part of our deal, you bastard!"
Without realizing it, I mounted the coffins and straddled him. Despite his suffering, I couldn't control myself from striking him wherever I could. My fists banged against his chest, and he did nothing to stop me. Specks of his blood splashed on me, but I couldn't control my rage. The liquid was hot on my skin, and I could feel it dribble down. Still, I continued pounding against his chest, trying to wake myself from this nightmare.
He went back on his word. He betrayed me. The moment I received my revenge, I was through with living. There was nothing left in this world for me. I was ready to give him my soul. Everything until this point prepared me for today. It was set. So why then, is he bearing my pain for me?
"I couldn't do it...ugh... Ciel," he sighed. The mention of my name stopped me. It warmed me. My trembling fists clenched and unclenched, and I meekly hit him once more.
"I couldn't take your soul...ngh-continue living the way I was. I- mhf- wanted to feel what it was to be human..."
"But you...you're hurt," I reasoned. He shook his head, and a beautiful smile spread across his once angelic face.
"For you to-arh- worry so much...I must say, my lord, I am quite pleased."
He drew me closer with what little strength he had left, pulling me into him. While his current state repulsed me, his blood soaking my garments, and staining my hands, I could not deny him. Clinging to his dress shirt, I allowed him do as he pleased, breathing in the scent that I would continue to smell for years.
"We had a deal," I muttered. It was all I could say. His body was already aging at an alarming rate. Within minutes his insides split open to reveal the rawness of his muscles. He was being reduced to the human's elements, and drying out like a mummified corpse. The rest of his skin was a rich crimson, turning hard and chalky to the touch.
"I'm sorry- ngh-I was hoping you wouldn't... mhm, that you wouldn't have to see me like this. I wanted you to remember me as the perfect butler through and through... But now I'm- arghhh," he was interrupted by another breathy moan.
"You idiot," I muttered, leaning over to press my forehead to his chest. "Why would you do such a thing?"
"Come now. Someone as clever as you should be able to figure that out." He tightened his hold around my head and waist, drawing me in. While I would normally brush off this kind of affection, this time it was comforting. But as much as I wanted to stay like this, I would not allow him to hide the severity of his current state behind such a gesture. He groaned when I pushed off him, but again, did not resist. His fight was ending, and he was growing weaker every second.
"... you're dying..."
"I'm fine," he assured, waving me off, and tugging at my hand to return to our original position.
My eyes narrowed. "Liar. You're not even strong enough to lie convincingly."
"I do...apologize...my lord," he gave me a wry smile and lifted a hand to stroke through my hair. But he was slipping, and before he could combed through it, the joints of his shoulder blade snapped. He grunted and closed his eyes. His breathing slowing down even more.
"We made a contract. How could you...you can't leave me here, Sebastian. Can you hear me? YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME-"
He promised.
"SEBASTIAN," I yelled again, grasping onto his jacket, shaking him. His head lulled back and forth, and his withered hair sprawled all over his face.
-Crack- His jaw swung out of position and blood seeped from his mouth.
"I ORDER YOU TO LIVE!"
-Crack- His arm went limp as it separated from its socket, and I stopped myself from causing him more harm.
Gingerly he moved his left hand over my fists. Then, smirking, he said, "I'm not a demon -ngh- anymore my lord. I apologize, but even your orders aren't enough..."
I felt the prickling in my nose and the welling of something in my eyes. A new lump formed in the base of my throat as he looked up at me.
"Please..." I croaked.
It took me a moment to realize he hadn't blinked in a while, and that the hand covering mine had stiffened. We were now the same frigid temperature.
"No...no..." I moved my ear to his heart. It was still. Yielding to the sudden emptiness, I rested on top of him, unable to cry.
"You're not supposed to...you were the only one..."
You are the only one who was not to leave me.
Epilogue
Sometimes things aren't 'meant to be' the way we presume. We are born, we live, and we die. The price of mortality is that we go through this life, suffer over needless things, and after that, nothing becomes of us. We are simply left with the lies and empty promises others leave us with.
I love Sebastian, and I know in some twisted way, he loved me too.
While I spent more time without him, he is essentially in every step I take. My life should have carried on the way it was before him. I should be grateful for this extended life, but I cannot forget. His touches are forever engraved on my skin, always leaving me to yearn for his warmth. More often than not, his voice is the one that calls to me in the middle of the night. What starts off as a welcome melody soon grows into a blood curdling scream. It gnawed at the quiet I plead with. It marred his fragrance with the sickening stench of blood. It suffocated me with an irrepressible surge of abandonment.
After years of not knowing what to do with myself, I decided to give up my existence. I knew it meant Sebastian's sacrifice was in vain, but for his sheer selfishness, I was convinced he deserved it.
He saved me. More times than necessary, he sheltered me from the nothingness I enveloped myself with. The bastard gave a dramatic performance, and without consulting me, pulled down his own curtains to save me. As if I ever cared for his theatrics. He betrayed me by deliberately breaking our contract. Why should I honor a life I did not ask for?
But whatever God that was out there, would not allow me to take my own life. There were more suitable consequences for me.
Lizzie was first to leave me, her death a shock all those years ago. Then, when I outlived all my servants, I realized the inadvertent fate assigned to me. The final retribution for renouncing my faith that night, was to watch everyone I could ever care for leave the earth before me. I was to grieve for them over the ample time I had left to think. As a repercussion for escaping death twice, I was to do this alone.
When my time comes, I will be eagerly awaiting it. Not because I hoped to see him waiting for me on the other side. No, I will never allow myself such a careless wish. Living longer than I would ever want to has taught me why Sebastian left me that day. Immortality drained him. He thought he was sparing me from a much crueler end, but he was wrong.
Sebastian took and took. He took from me the only thing I needed in this life. He took all of me. He left me without a reason to live.
There is a dissatisfactory thought in the fact that our lives do not only belong to ourselves; and sometimes, sometimes, our lives just end, and that is it. When I die, the memories of Sebastian will die along with me, and that will be the end of our story. That's all we ever are. We are a pile of flesh waiting to feel that reciprocated feeling, that wanton need we are all lost without. We seek it. We crave it. And only after we have found it can most of us feel even the slightest bit complete. Only then can we declare with certainty that we are alive.
And that's what is important. We lived.
The end
A.N. Well that's it. Thank you very much for reading! Reviews and favourites are quite appreciated *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink* (and hugs for those who already did. Seriously guys. I really, really love you!)