He had read the letter over dozens of times, yet he still couldn't quite grasp the contents. I'm a wizard. He repeated to himself countless times, unable to quite believe it, even though the proof was there in front of him.
The letter amounted to two things: 1, informing him that he was magical, just like his overweight, tyrannical cousin, Harry Potter, who had visited a reign of terror upon the house of Dursley ever since he learned of his heritage by eavesdropping on his aunt and uncle while they were lamenting their misfortune of being forced to take in a 'freak' like him. 2, was an invitation to study at the premiere academy of magic in the whole of Britain, Hogwarts. Included in the letter was a supply list for all the things he would need for his magical education.
It never crossed his mind to simply not go. His parents had been remarkably tolerant of magic and those with it since Harry had learned he was a wizard. They had needed to, his incessant threatening ensured their compliance. They didn't know he couldn't control his powers any more than they could, but that was a risk they were unwilling to take. Such was the love they had for their son. They had sacrificed health and happiness that he would survive. They may not think he noticed, but he did, and it had shaped the young man he was becoming, though no one knew that just yet.
As he began to finally internalize the fact of his abilities, his imagination wandered. He was just starting to picture what a magical institution of learning might be like when the doorbell rang. Curious because the hour was relatively late in the middle of the week, no less, he decided to risk the wrath of his corpulent cousin and leave the relative safety of his cupboard.
"Dudley, the door!" his mother called from the sitting room, where she and his father were partaking of a nightcap whilst consuming the evening news reports. He warily made his way to the entryway, keeping an eye out for Harry.
Dudley managed to traverse the house unmolested and opened the door to the strangest sight he had seen in his admittedly short life - a tall, severe-looking woman dressed in tartan robes and the most stereotypical witches hat anyone in that house had ever seen. "Er, hello?" he stammered out to the intimidating caller.
"How do you do?" she inquired politely, "young Mr. Dursley, I presume?"
"Yes," he replied, gaining confidence as it was clear by her tone and the fact that she obviously knew him that she was friendly.
"May I come in?" the Scottish witch suggested inquisitively.
"O-of course," Dudley said, regaining his ingrained sense of decorum "may I take your… er, hat?"
"Thank you, my boy, but I shan't be long." she declined gracefully.
"Er, right. This way, ma'am." he instructed as he lead the way to the sitting room where waited his parents.
As they entered the sitting room, the Dursleys rose from their seats and made motions to make themselves more presentable to their guest. That task completed, Vernon moved towards the witch and shook her hand with a rather limp grip. "Vernon Dursley, at your service." he said as his wife approached. "My wife, Petunia." upon her introduction, the woman in question gave a warm smile and an equally warm "Charmed."
The stern looking witch crinkled about the eyes at the woman's unwitting pun, giving no other indication of her amusement, she replied with a simple "Likewise. Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and Mistress of Transfiguration at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm here to apologize on behalf of the school."
"Apologize? Whatever for?" blurted Petunia.
"I believe that you received a letter this morning?" she asked Dudley, to which he responded "Y-yes." realizing before he asked how she knew about the letter before embarrassing himself by asking her about it.
"The… ah, situation you find yourselves in is most unusual. It's very rare for the muggle relatives of a half-blood like Mr. Potter to gain guardianship of the magical child, much less bear a magical child as the first of a new line. So, you see, our normal protocol for first generation wizards was quite overlooked in your case, causing, I think, undue stress for you this morning." She ended sympathetically. "Normally, for muggleborns, their first letter is hand delivered by one of the staff, such as myself, however, Mr. Dursley's letter was sent before we realized that it was going to him, rather than his cousin."
"Ah, so that's why you're here now." Dudley remarked quickly.
"Quite." said McGonagall approving of his quick-wittedness. "Normally, this is done to prove the existence of magic and inform the family about the process by magicals are educated. In this case, I am merely here to alleviate the… shock of realizing that Dudley here is magical. Additionally, I would like to extend an offer to accompany you to Diagon Alley in order to purchase whatever supplies you require for the coming year at Hogwarts."
"Brilliant." Dudley exclaimed, a radiant smile adorning a face unused to such open displays of happiness.
"O-of course, we'd love to have a guide to help us… integrate into the magical community." Petunia said, flustered by the unexpected show of good sense by the magical schoolteacher. Her husband, who had, upon learning that Dudley was magical, begun to slowly hope that the tyranny of his nephew was finally coming to an end, and, increasingly, showed that hope on his face, simply nodded his ascent.
As if summoned by the older man's thoughts, the occupants of the sitting room heard Harry tromping down the stairs, making sure to stomp extra hard on the steps directly above the cupboard. They waited, alternatively with patience on the part of McGonagall and mild terror on the part of everyone else. The boy burst into the room loudly, immediately seeking out his cousin in order to hurl abuse at him. Finding him almost immediately, he sneered in his direction "Don't look at me, you filthy muggle!"
Hearing this, McGonagall immediately went into Headmistress mode, calling out sharply "Mr. Potter!"
Unused to such sternness, the boy in question was momentarily stunned into silence. Pressing her advantage, McGonagall continued "Such… behavior is not tolerated in students of Hogwarts, Mr. Potter. You would do well to remember that come September."
Regaining his bravado after the initial barrage, Harry replied "What should I care what's expected at a place as stupid as Hogwarts?"
Deciding to try and cow the impertinent child, McGonagall slyly quipped "Well, you shouldn't, unless, of course, you would like to learn magic."
At this, Harry's eyes widened in shock, and he quickly backpedalled "O-of course I want to learn magic."
Thinking she had succeeded in putting him in his place, only for him to immediately ruin it by continuing "Anything to get away from these stupid muggles." at which she decided to, in fact, show these muggles a small piece of magic. She surreptitiously drew her wand with nary a whisper of cloth and quickly pointed it at the boy that bore so little resemblance to the parents she had so adored as students. Subtly making the appropriate movements with her wand, she incanted "Pungo!" under her breath.
The only indication of the onrushing spell was a slight ripple in the air, noticeable only by the most practiced eye. It impacted the foul-mouthed boy on the left buttock, causing him to yelp shrilly and clasp his rear. Before he could further befoul the air, the offending professor cut in "Now, Mr. Potter, I must insist that you mediate you language while you are in my presence, or I shall be forced to rely upon more… drastic measures."
Wide-eyed, the boy in question merely nodded enthusiastically, not brave enough to risk further offend the no-nonsense witch.
"Good. Now, back to business." she said in clipped tones. "While you are here, Mr. Potter, I should give you this." as she pulled out a letter almost identical to the one Dudley had received that morning, handing it to the reprobate boy. Hoping that the combination of punishment and distraction would keep Potter occupied while she conversed with the adults, she continued. "I recommend making the trip to the Alley sooner rather than later, Magical culture is similar to Muggle in regards to shopping procrastination, and we want as relaxing an experience as possible for your first time."
For the first time since McGonagall began, Vernon spoke up. "I quite agree. When would you prefer to take us to this… Alley?"
"Well, I am quite free at any time, really. As you can imagine, the responsibilities of an educator are rather… mild during the summer holidays." She smiled accommodatingly.
Petunia followed on quickly with a suggestion of her own. "Why don't we go this weekend? Marge is showing her dogs at a show in London this Saturday, we could make a day of it." she said with false brightness, knowing of the feud between her husband and his sister caused by their rather obliging treatment of what she referred to as a "bad pup." for, as she always said "If there's something wrong with the bitch, there's something wrong with the pup." Little did she know that their hand was forced. "Would you like to join us, Mrs. McGonagall?"
With a twinkle in her eyes, the aged Transfiguration Mistress "regretfully" declined, saying "I'm afraid I'm rather more of a cat person. I would, of course, be happy to meet you afterwards, and escort you to Diagon Alley then."
"That sounds lovely, doesn't it darling?" inquired Petunia of her Dudders and husband. Both enthusiastically agreed.
At that moment, Harry chose to re enter the conversation. "What'll we do with that, while we get my school things?" indicating his cousin.
With barely restrained glee, Dudley turned to his hated cousin "Didn't you know, Harry? I'm a wizard."
A/N This is my first attempt at fanfiction, so I'd especially appreciate your feedback. And, remember, this is satire.
Thanks for reading and please review, it touches me in all my special places.