Summary: in which Cas explains why he left the bunker and the angel case without a word. 9x09, 9x11, 9x12

AN: This was originally just a short one shot (chapter 1), but then it wasn't, so here is the second and likely final installment in this little fixit.

Something Broken

"But something's broken here Dean," Sam had been holding his tongue the entire case, and he hadn't expected that he would ever have the opportunity to say his piece after Dean had split. He had never expected the chance, because he wasn't sure if he would ever actually see let alone hear from his brother again. He hadn't expected it because something was and is broken between them, and it wasn't just trust. No, it was so much more than that.

The night that Dean split, Sam needed a drive to calm himself and somehow Cas just knew. So Castiel handed over the keys and sat shotgun in his "borrowed "someone else already stole it," with every intention of returning it at some point" Lincoln Continental. The explanation came complete with air quotes and between the car itself and Castile's' explanation, it gave Sam pause for the first time that night… Sam allowed himself a small smile.

There was no music, he needed to think and those thoughts took him dark places, when he realized the intricacies of what his brother had done. When he realized Gadreel was likely the reason Cas left, he shut his thoughts down for the rest of the drive to the bunker. At least he tried to. Sam had been impressed when Cas had shown up at the biker gang slaughter, happy even, to see their friend doing so well for himself. His worry about Cas was quickly overshadowed by that happiness. If Cas wasn't worried, then Sam wouldn't be either, although Dean certainly had been. Sometimes he wondered if his brother saw Cas (the previously wavelength of celestial intent billions of years old, currently a semi-new human) as a little brother rather than an older one, given that he seemed to discourage Cas from endangering himself as much as he did for Sam.

It is only in hindsight that Sam understands Cas's disappearance on that case and the initial disappearance from the bunker. It wasn't concern for Cas that Dean had discouraged Cas's assistance, it was Deans' concern for Sam and keeping the Angel hiding in his mind happy, the angel who had stolen gaps of time in reality from him, the angel that kept him alive when he had been ready to die, the angel who had been cozy in his brain and made sure that the Winchesters best friend, who had managed to become human, was not. Sam would have gladly traded places with Cas, he hadn't had any real idea how to be human and he was out on his own. The guilt stacked on.

"Sam?" Sam jumped in the driver's seat, the car now parked in the bunkers garage, his thoughts jolted to the present time. "Sam, you're broadcasting your thoughts rather loudly," Cas gave the younger Winchester an understanding look, one that for some odd reason held no resentment.

"I'm sorry Cas," and it wasn't just for thinking loudly, they both knew that.

"There is nothing to forgive my friend. What Dean did, he did out of love, and I could never think to blame either one of you for a reason as pure as that." Cas gave him an almost self-proud look, "Besides, I did well enough on my own, although the bag of supplies and money was very useful and I am extremely grateful for." Sam managed another smile. Cas may have his grace back, but he still maintained a humanness about him that hadn't been there before.

"You still should have been with us, you are family Cas." A broad grin settled across Castile's face.

"Thank you Sam, that means a great deal to me." Sam smiled again, not quite reaching his eyes. He turned to the door and opened it to let himself out, but he'd just banished an angel who had been residing within him for quite some time, so getting out of the car hadn't gone as planned.

"Ugmph!"

"Sam!?" It had been a little fuzzy after that for him, but Castiel had begun his healing regiment so to speak. When he awoke coherent enough to form a thought, Sam opened his eyes to see his room, bare as it may have been. Then he heard a book close quietly and turned towards the sound.

"You're awake, good. You've been out for a couple of days, I assume you will require food and water" Cas put two fingers to Sam's forehead and nodded to himself. "Yes, you will be alright for the time being," Cas gave him a level stare then, not like the kind he gave to his brother of course, but it was still rather unnerving. "But don't push yourself too much, this will take time." Sam nodded and opened his mouth to say thank you, only to have a scratchy sound come out promptly followed by a glass of water being shoved into his hand.

Much of the following days were spent sleeping, eating, showering and other bathroom necessities, and Cas's "healing sessions" as Sam had come to think of them. Soon enough though, Sam was up and able to function, work out, and focus on things aside from the pain, his brother, and Cas. With this, came the question that he hadn't figured out quite how to ask yet, he tried to form it in his brain, but he resorted to hoping against hope that Cas could pick up the tumult of thoughts that made up the question when he sent his thoughts towards Cas after their latest "healing session."

Castiel stilled the moment Sam decided to go that route. After a moment, Cas placed a hand on Sam's shoulder, which he could reach as the latter was actually sitting down.

"I did say goodbye Sam," Sam's eyes shot from the map table to Cas's face, "I assume now that I actually departed from Gadreel, given that you just gave me a nod when I said goodbye." Sam's head fell and he placed his hands over his face taking that in.

"I'm sorry,"

"Same as before Sam, there is nothing there to be forgiven, it wasn't you."

But you still… He still couldn't word it, not really, not without labeling that which could not be labeled. Castiel sighed and took a seat next to Sam.

"I didn't want to be a burden, and without the angel grace to separate me from this body, the emotions were overwhelming. I knew them the last time that I fell, and I knew them again here. As an Angel, most of those emotions I could process as physiological reactions to situations. It never occurred to me, that after I released Jimmy's soul, that somehow, those physiological reactions were to my emotions, be it human or celestial. In hindsight they were one in the same, they are one in the same… I felt hunted, I felt out of place, I felt purposeless. When Dean told me I couldn't stay, it made sense. I had nothing to give, and there was nothing I could do to help provide. So I said goodbye, and then I left."

That conversation and the conversations that followed brought some semblance of peace to Sam and Castiel alike, who knew, talking things out could actually do one some good, not that Dean understood that. But now Castiel was out on his own, and Dean had just come about as close as apologizing as Dean ever really got. It was a small step, one that gave Sam the slightest glimmer of hope, that maybe someday, that which was broken might be repaired. But that was a long time from now, if it ever happened. For the time being though he could work with Dean, he just couldn't see him as his brother. Castiel was his brothers' best friend, hell Cas might be Sam's best friend too, but they were all family regardless, and the sooner Dean learned that one brother didn't need to overshadow another, let alone the world, the better off they would all be.