Disasterpiece Theater
This is a nightmare, it
seriously is.
Well, readers, welcome back to the study. Lia's sitting in her cushy red velvet wing chair, a thick leather-bound book in her lap.
"Hello everybody, welcome to another week at Disasterpiece Theater. I first want to apologize for last week's monstrosity; I had no idea what to do with Armadillomon. Everyone I've heard from thus far agrees…you can't write a fanfic about Armadillomon. This week's short piece should be better. Let's see who the lucky victim is." Lia goes over to her plastic hardhat, still sitting by the computer, and pulls out a slip of paper.
"Today's big winner is…me?! Well, this is a shock. It's a story about me. *sigh* Good thing I didn't pick Hawkmon."
~*~
I had just gotten back from the hairdresser's…nothing fancy, just having my ends trimmed, and was out in the sunshine, enjoying my Saturday. Temperatures were in the high seventies, giving me a perfect excuse to wear my favorite flip-flops. You know, the plastic kind from Old Navy that everybody's wearing these days. Anyway, so here I was, wearing a pair of blue plastic flip-flops, denim shorts that I swear shrank in the wash because I certainly didn't buy them to look like rejects off the Dukes of Hazard, and a cotton tank-top, halfway to my apartment. When out of nowhere, who should I see sitting outside the Starbucks on Sakura Boulevard, but my own boyfriend, looking ever so sexy as he hunched over his mug of caramel frappuchino.
Well, when the hottest guy in all of Tokyo (who I just happen to have been dating for almost a full year) is sitting outside of a Starbucks with a caramel frappuchino and an electric bass, the natural thing to do is say hi, right? Bad idea when you're a walking disaster like me. Sure, my sisters had the sense to take dance class, while I'm the proverbial bull in the china shop.
"Hi…" I never even got to finish my sentence because lo and behold, I tripped over my own two klutzy feet, sent both my plastic flip-flops flying into oncoming traffic, and landed head-over-heels on the pavement. Smooth move on my part…maybe I'm slowly turning into Mimi. Now there's a scary thought.
Fortunately for me, I did have a few blessings on my side. One being Nicki wasn't anywhere in the vicinity. Chances were good that if she saw that little incident, I'd get my usual dose of her sour derision.
"Ha ha, sucks to be you!"
I hate that phrase more than I hate Yolei…and that's a lot of hatred right there.
My second miracle was that blonde bishounen with the coffee sitting three feet away. He vaulted over the table and was by my side sooner than you can say…something.
"Lia?! What happened to you?" he asked. Almighty Kami-sama, I'm lost in his eyes already! And with a pair of tinted sunglasses?! Oh, I'm melting already.
A/N: As you can see, this is one of my more blonde moments. I've definitely been spending WAY too much time around Ms. Tachikawa.
M/N: I take offense with that phrase, "blonde moments." But I think you're tripping due to too much rain and not enough sleep.
I smiled at him pathetically, trying to untangle myself from…um, myself.
"You happened, Ishida, you happened. That and the fact that I have absolutely no coordination to save my life."
Matt rolled his eyes and offered a hand, sticky with whipped cream. After getting back into an upright position and checking to make sure I hadn't broken, cut, bruised, or otherwise injured myself, he and I retrieved my now slightly flattened sandals from the road.
"Maybe I should walk you home, just so you don't cause any more damage to yourself," he suggested, getting his guitar and his coffee. Hey, who am I to disagree? Lucky me, walking home with Matt Ishida, the most sought-after boy in all of Japan, and I am proud to say I snagged him four years ago and continue to hold his heart.
"Ooh, I was wondering. You think you could help me with my HMS Pinafore audition? I'm still having a hard time keeping that C sharp in tune," I mentioned.
"No problem, glad to help."
I grinned at him evilly. "You won't be saying that after I hit the B flat. I had Nicki writhing in pain yesterday."
Matt shot me an equally sinister look. "She deserved it. She deserves any and all pain."
"Yama-kun, why do you two hate each other so much? I've never quite understood that."
He shrugged. "If I knew, do you think I'd be taking pot shots at her all the time? I dunno, it's like the Montague and Capulet feud, both families hated each other and neither knew why."
"Shakespeare test in Lit yesterday?"
"Oh yeah."
~*~
We were right outside my apartment building, ready for a quick kiss before the all-knowing, all-seeing FATHER caught sight of Matt and made him recite the ol' Rules of Dating, when suddenly HE appeared out of nowhere. Worse than that, my GRANDPARENTS were with him. Worse still, Matt already had his lips on mine. They were standing right behind my bishy, Dad with this psycho look on his face that made Malomyotismon look like Jesus. Matt pulled back, holding my hands, and gave me this queer look.
"Your dad is right behind me, isn't he?"
I managed to squeak a pathetic "yes."
"With your grandparents?"
I nodded, turning a shade of green that would make Palmon envious.
Matt turned slowly, and I was certain my father, the Darth Vader of Odaiba, would pull out a shotgun.
"Hello, Matt," he said in a very Hannibal Lecter tone.
"Um, good afternoon Mr. Agianna. I was just walking Lia home, and now that I have, I'll be going."
The boy ran. Like took off in a dead run, leaving me with my father and his health food obsessed parents. I think I'd rather spend the afternoon with Archnemon and Mummymon.
Some savior you are, Yamato. Next time your life is in
peril remind me not to save it.
"Who was that, Lia dear?" my grandmother asked, rooting around in her purse for her travel-sized Bible.
A/N: All right, I'm exaggerating just a little about my dad and his parents. But I bet you dollars to digivices my grandmother really does have a travel-sized Bible in her pocketbook. That's why I'm afraid to spend the night with them.
Blushing, I meekly answered, "My boyfriend Matt."
"You look like you've been rolling around on the ground, young lady. Is there something you wish to tell me?" my father questioned.
"I took a face plant outside of Starbucks and lost my shoes, which would have been roadkill if it weren't for Matt, who then offered to walk me home and help me with my choir musical audition song."
"I remember when your sister was that age, son. She looked just like that," my grandfather said.
Man, what a disaster! If it weren't for my mom and her sudden and urgent need for a gallon of milk, I would've been stuck listening to anecdotes from the Sixties for the next hour. And what gets worse, as I'm in the checkout line with my gallon of two percent and a bag of M&M's (I found a bit of cash that got laundered with my shorts, I'm entitled to spending it on candy), who should show up but Archnemon herself?! And did I not just wish to spend time with her? Me and my big mouth!
Maybe she won't see me. It's not like I spend all that much time with the other Digidestined, maybe she doesn't know me very well.
M/N: I know what you're thinking, Archnemon and I don't deserve to be in this since 02 is over, she died and I'm supposed to be forty years old. Think of this as an alternate reality (thanks for the term, Sherman, I'll have Lia give it back when she's done).
"Excuse me," the scary spider chick said, tapping my shoulder. I must have jumped fifty feet into the air.
"What?! I'm not one of the kids out to get rid of you because you're bent on destroying two worlds!"
Oh, that's about as smooth as the digger you took in front of that total babe you call a boyfriend.
"I was just going to ask if you had change for a ten, but I can see that you're one of those nosy little brats that always gets in our way!"
And suddenly instead of an scary lady with a big Carmen Sandiego hat, there's a scary spider thingy lady running around the ol' convenience store. It's so not my day. And it gets much, much worse. My favorite little bowling ball, the thing that supposed to protect me no matter what, you know him? Well, little did I know that my sisters had discovered Demidevimon sleeping upside-down in my closet, next to one of my nice fuzzy sweaters and probably getting drool on it, and locked the little winged wonder in with the mothballs. So, I'm definitely screwed. And even though I'm in the Inoue convenience store, Yolei and her belt bird are nowhere in sight.
"I shall save you! For I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the green potato chip in the bottom of the bag that nobody wants to eat! I am Batpig!" Guess who shows up to rescue me instead?
"Lia! I just conveniently happened to be outside when I saw her and decided to spring into action like the good little Digidestined I am!" T.K. said with the same over-enthusiasm he always has. Archnemon was somehow intimidated by the lump of orange lard in the cape and cowl, paid for her Keno tickets and took off.
"Well, it could have been worse. My father could have come. He's already terrified your brother beyond all mortal comprehension," I sighed, paying for my own groceries and heading out of the store.
~*~
After having a strict lecture on boys and having the TEN Rules of Dating read aloud at the dinner table (Dad got a new, updated list. "I am the all-knowing, all-seeing god of your universe. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Don't trifle with me," and such utter nonsense that would have Matt in hysterics faster than you can say Quatre Winner), I was free to plop down in front of my PC. A few games of FreeCell later, I typed up my little adventure and posted it online for all to see. (That's what you're reading, folks.) And as I shut down the computer to go to bed, I fell over backwards in my computer chair, hit my arm on the hard drive of the computer that is not hooked up properly, rolled across the floor, crashed into a couple binders I happened to have lying on the floor from doing homework, and ended in another discombobulated heap while my flip-flops hung precariously on my toes. Needless to say, Matt was not around to help me this time.
"A little assistance here? Anyone? Help? Please? Somebody?"
~*~
"Well, this is what happens when I have to write a story about myself. That, and what happens when I'm cooped up all day with nothing to do and nothing to watch. Maybe my next subject will have more of a plot than this. Anyway, this has been Lia Agianna for Disasterpiece Theater. Go review, and beware plastic flip-flops. They are so freaking dangerous."
~*~
This was almost
about Hawkmon. If it was lousy, just keep telling yourself it wasn't a Hawkmon
story. Be grateful.
You cheated and
put Hawkmon back in the hat!
Yeah, because I
had no intention on writing about a British belt bird today!