A/N And here is Chapter 1! so some notes on this story. I have it all written, and ready to go, thanks to the help of the wonderful Looslips on tumblr, and I'm planning on updating once a week. Probably on Sundays, I really had fun writing this story, and I do hope that you all enjoy it, because it was a labor of love, and I just can't wait for you all to read it.

Disclaimer: I own the clothes on my back, but not this show

beta'd by: looselipswontsinkships on tumblr

special thanks to: LunaE14, Cheryl487 and guest for reviewing last chapter and to all of you wonderful folks who put this story in your alerts lists!

now without further ado, chapter 1

After a few more stunned moments of standing, watching the end of the alley Emma had just left, Killian closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. He needed a drink. He needed lots of drinks. His heart was heavy from what he just learned. He had two choices. He could either protect Emma's heart, or he could stand by and watch as her heart broke. He wasn't sure he could handle watching it happen. This was the heartbreak that built her most insurmountable walls.

He slowly turned his back on the alley, and started moving down the street. He needed to get away.

No.

He needed to get back. Needed to return to his Emma. The one that danced with him under the stars. Who went sailing with him and her boy. "Bloody hell." He said under his breath, "This is a mess, isn't it Swan?" he pushed forward. The first thing he needed to do, was keep himself away from everything to do with Emma Swan. First he would try avoidance. Try not to interfere. If fate wanted him to play his hand, he would. But until then, he needed a drink. He found his way to a bar, and bought a bottle.

As he sat at the bar, nursing his drink, his mind whirled. It was clear to him, that Rumpelstiltskin's plan all along was to send Killian here to change what happened. Briefly he imagined stepping in. Making her fall in love with him first. Make it so Neal could never break her heart. So he could never hold it. Then his mind turned to Henry. Without Neal, Henry would never be born. He was far too fond of the boy to do that.

He glared into the amber depths of his glass, cursing his situation, and the impossible choice before him. Save Emma's heart? Or watch it break? He took another drink, attempting to chase his demons away.

~~Swan~~

He's not sure how long he was at the bar, only that the sun had sunk below the horizon whilst he drank his fears. It was only once he emerged that he realized he was a stranger in this world. He had no place to stay. His ship was moored safely within the confines of a curse at the moment, Swan's family, unaware within the confines of Storybrooke. His Swan didn't know who he was, and was on her way to heartbreak.

This was of course no new feeling for him, facing a long night without shelter, or place to sleep. Growing up in slavery led to many nights like this, though he had had Liam for each of those. Then when they returned to the Enchanted forest after the second curse. Even upon his return, when he traveled to New York, to find Emma and bring her home, He had slept on a park bench then, Surely it would be no different to do so now.

He cast a glance up and down the street and set off, his hand deep in his pocket. He had no real destination in mind. He kept going, his mind wandering to what Emma might be doing at the moment. He knew it was likely something with Neal. Despite all of the long nights spent talking about their pasts, Emma was always careful to avoid the months in which Neal was a part of her life. While they shared so much, he had never told her everything about Milah. Why would she tell him everything that happened with Neal? He sighed, he shouldn't be worrying about Emma now. The Emma now wasn't the one he knew. He should be worrying about how he could return to the Emma he knew.

He was walking past a closed amusement park when he noticed the gate was open. He glanced beyond the open gates. He couldn't see anyone. He stepped through. While he would be perfectly happy with a bench, he also wouldn't turn up his nose at a place with shelter. He moved quietly through the park, wary because the gate was open. Ahead he saw lights glowing from one of the rides. His instincts told him to turn away, don't go to them. It was probably a security guard, or someone working maintenance on the ride.

He was a few rides away, when he heard soft voices. At least two. A man, and… Emma. Even though he couldn't hear what they were saying, he would know the cadence of that voice. His heart seized again. He truly couldn't catch a break, could he? He tried to tell his feet to stop, tried to stop and turn around. Tried anything to keep himself from taking a hit of his favorite drug. But like always, his heart won over his brain, and he stepped into view.

Neither of them noticed him there. There they were, simply sitting, and talking in soft tones on the swings of some tall contraption, which Killian assumed spun when fully powered.

The moment seemed so intimate, that by just being there he felt as though he was intruding, so he finally felt the strength to look away. Killian shook his head, this was crazy. He shouldn't even be here. He should be back in Storybrooke. He should be waking in the morning, and meeting Swan for waffles and hot cocoa at Granny's. Instead, thanks to the father of the man on the swings, that was no longer possible. He wasn't sure he would ever get back, or if Emma would want him when he did. He supposed it depended on the path he chose to take. Let Emma get her heart broken? Or save her heart one last time?

He felt a wave of rage surge through him. Who was Rumpelstiltskin to decide he was not worthy of Emma? When that same bastard was seeking to weasel his way back into the happy ending he felt he deserved? He would find a way back to Storybrooke, back to his Emma. Then? Then Rumpelstiltskin would pay. No he wouldn't seek revenge. Emma would never forgive him that. He couldn't bear to hurt her like that again, not after his lying to her almost got her killed by that damn hat. No, he would take down the Crocodile, the way a hero would. By exposing him for the man he really is. With another glance back to Emma, as she swayed back and forth, a cup clasped in her hands, he finally turned and left Emma and Neal behind him.

He had made his choice. Despite the pain he knew it would cause. Killian Jones was going to stay away from Emma Swan. He was going to do everything in his power not to let the Crocodile win. Even if that meant he let her heart break.

He made it to a secluded part of the park with an enclosed pod that would protect him from the worst of the elements, then he stared out the opening and into the stars. How he wished those stars could truly lead him home. But home was a very long way away. Home was a musical laugh, and bright green eyes. And it was very, very far away.

Killian Jones fell into a fitful sleep, haunted by an evil giggle and swirling green portals, the words, "Villains don't get happy ending's Dearie" swirling in his mind.

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Captain Swan kisses for all of my darlings