Chow Mein:
The Ultimate Horror Movie
Edgar Banuelos: Idea, Main Author, Characters
Alex Sorkin: Secondary Author, Editor, Grammar Nazi
Cast:
Bart Simpson as the hero with no name
Z-Man as Z-Man, the Chick-Magnet Dragonmaster PhD
TR as Tusken Rocker/Bounty Hunter
Rick Sirius as Rick (We couldn't think of a last name)
Some guy named Mike as Krayt Dragon Slayer Underscore_47545656471
Roy as the cool guy
Rod Flanders as Freddie Cougar/Krugar/Kruger/Kroger/Kosher
Jango Fett as that Mandalorian guy who works with Z-Man
Sarah as Bart's Emo Girlfriend
Malibu Stacy as Killer Doll
Sideshow Bob as Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Eric Cartman as the fat guy who dies
A TIE Fighter as an evil vehicle
Cletus as a zombie killing hillbilly
Some lady as Cletus's something
The Bando Gora and Sunrise students as an army of Zombies
Harvey the vamp as a vampire
Hal and Jeft as Hal and Jeft (respectively)
And last but not least...
Steve as a Piranhicus Steicvus specimen named Steve
Oh, and that little yellow bugger as Pikachu
Oh, and Dialga!
...okay, let's just start the damn story!
Chapter I: Mama, I'm Going One-Third of the Way Home
Hal: Oh, C'mon! You can jump higher than that!
[Jeft & Bart come in.]
Jeft: Dude you're not gonna believe this.
Hal: I know. A blue hedgehog in shoes. Can you believe that…?
Bart: Never mind that! I just wanna borrow some soap.
Hal: Whada ya mean! I ain't got no soap!
Jeft: Then let's go to the market to get some!
[On the way they find a newspaper that says "Escaped Freddie Kruger".]
Hal: Oh no! We must stay indoors!
[Cartman comes out of nowhere.]
Cartman: I can't believe you guys are too stupid to believe that!
Jeft: Oh no, Cartman! Freddie is really really real! Once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy, who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin…
Cartman: Screw you guys! I'm going home!
Bart: Actually he's only going one third of the way home.
Jeft: Shut yr trap, I wanna see this.
[Cartman's walking and hears a twig snap.]
Cartman: Just gotta keep walking...
[Another twig snaps.]
Cartman: Jogging! Better start jogging.
[Starts waddling faster. Hears someone blow a raspberry.]
Cartman: Sprinting! I just gotta keep…!
[Some wisecracker comes out.]
Cartman: Oh. Phew! Dude! Don't scare me like that! I almost thought- hey, why do you have the hat & claws of Freddie? And PHEW! You've got bad breath! Wait! What are you…! THE BIG BAD WOLF! OH, DEAR GOD NO! WHAT'D I DO TO DESERVE THIS! Oh yeah, right. I'M SORRY KYLE!
[Cartman throws up everywhere and falls dead for no reason. Freddy is very confused, so he just leaves.]
Chapter II: The Head
[Some bounty hunters soon find his inexplicably severed head.]
Z-Man: Hmmmm…
[Thinks.]
TR: What is it?
Z-Man: It's a severed head.
Jango Fett: From the looks of it, it belongs to 8-year old Eric Cartman.
TR: Look at the wound! This was not a wild animal! This was not the IRS! This was not Jack the Ripper! OK, maybe it was. But it didn't kill him! OK, maybe he was wanted dead or alive and worth more dead because he shoplifted a Twinkie, but this was too far! And all I've got in weaponry is a club and sniper rifle, and neither can do damage this bad! Man, why'd I even bring this crap up?
Jango Fett: Because you're a moron.
TR: Oh, yeah! That's right.
Z-Man: So should we turn in the head to the originator and split the money or what?
Jango Fett: Well, I dunno what else to do with it. Let's just do that.
Z-Man: So who's his originator?
TR: I know who he is! I've seen him with my own eyes man.
Z-Man: You've only got one eye.
Jango Fett: Well, who's his originator?
TR: The IRS.
Z-Man: WHAT?
TR: Nah, just kidding. It's Queen Elizabeth the Second.
Jango Fett: What the Pa'lowick!
[Several unoriginal unoriginators later.]
Jango Fett: Could you for the love of Gran just tell us!
TR: Fine. It was… hey! How long has it been?
Z-Man: Don't try to change the subject!
TR: Where's Cartman's head?
Jango Fett: I gave it to you, remember?
TR: Yeah, but…
[20 Minutes of randomness later.]
Z-Man: Look! We just wanted to know who Cartman's originator was. And instead, we were arguing for… wait! How long has it been?
Jango Fett: Uhhh… not so long. It was only… 12 HOURS? Trusty, where are we anyway?
Z-Man: We're in… SPRINGFIELD CEMETERY?
Jango Fett: Looks a lot like the moon of Bogden.
Z-Man: Whatever. I'm leaving. You've wasted enough time we could've used to hunt for that guy who tampered with my pod racer last week and caused me to accidentally hit all those blind homeless orphans. Hasta Luego, Pierdadores!
[Z-Man leaves on Jango Fett's ship.]
TR: He took the Slave I!
Jango Fett: Man, I only had, like, 3 payments left on that thing!
Chapter III: I am a Zombie, la la la la la
Jango Fett: Say, why do you have that fish all of a sudden?
TR: I'm doing something I read in "How to Survive a Horror Movie". I'm gonna see what happens when I put it on the ground. It'll then give us a sign on whether the cemetery is haunted or not.
[Fish blows up.]
TR: Marvelous! It didn't show any movement at all! This place isn't haunted!
Jango Fett: Then why are there creepy figures that remind me of the Bando Gora?
TR: Hmmmm…
[Thinks. Zombie gnaws at TR's head.]
TR: Probably swamp hobos.
[Jango Fett scares the zombies with flame thrower.]
TR: Yay! The zombies are leaving! Oh, look! They're heading straight to the Baby Ewok Research Hospital on the same day the chancellor's daughter is visiting it without any protection at all! And it's all thanks to us!
Jango Fett: Hooray! We're dead Nerf. If the zombies…
TR: Swamp hobos!
Jango Fett: If the swamp hobos don't kill us, the chancellor will.
TR: So?
Jango Fett: Baby Ewoks are cute.
TR: So?
Jango Fett: The zombies did it to your bantha. [TR disappears.] TR?
[TR is fighting the zombies.]
Zombie: HEUGH, STIOUP IT!
[TR punches it.]
TR: Wait a minute! Zombies can't talk!
[TR punches it.]
Zombie: ME NO ZOME ZOMBIE! ME SWAMP HOBO!
TR: Oh!
[Punches it.]
Zombie: UGH! WHAT IT FOR!
TR: Cause ya did it to my bantha!
Zombie: WHAAAA…?
[Pulls out Gavini stick and smashes it. 4-HIT COMBO!]
Jango Fett: Did ya kill the zombies?
TR: They turned out to be swamp hobos. This ain't a horror movie! This is a comedy movie! What a rip-off! [Everything goes dark.] Hey, Jango? Baby Ewoks? Chancellor's daughter with no means of protection? Where's everyone? As a matter of fact, where's my shotgun! Also, where's my club? Hello? Uhhh… never mind what I said! I love teen comedy! Hello! WOO! I LOVE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS WHEN I DRINK TOO MUCH!
[Weird figure with finger blades come out.]
TR: Is that you, Z-Man? If you're still pissed off about that severed head, I'm sorry. Wait, it's Freddie Kruger! WHAT THE FAIRIES!Q?OiFHIGHORUGF! He's only 12 &…
[Everything goes dark again. TR feels his way and realizes he's in front of somebody, of course, you know its Freddie.]
Freddie: Hey, whizzip? A'm Carl. Have you seen mai cer keyz…?
[Freddie explodes for no reason.]
TR: Is anyone around? I think I'm all alone and some guy just got Spontaneous Combustion. And I don't mean that new Slipknot CD.
[He is completely alone.]
TR: Hey, why is there a doll on the ground?
[Long pause.]
Mysterious Scream: HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP!
TR: Who or what was that?
[TR goes up stairs and finds a female killer doll on the ground. TR keeps on walking. Little does he know that before the night is over, he's gonna... shake hands with Walt Disney.]
TR: Hey. There's my shotgun.
[TR turns back and sees the dolls and they looked very tall. TR screams like a little school girl. He gets out his shotgun.]
TR: Stay back! I'm well armed! What the? No ammo! Oh, c'mon!
What? A whole army of killer dolls? Now that's just so unfair!
[Dialga comes out and vaporizes all the dolls.]
Dialga: Now that's why I'm so awesome!
TR: Thanks, man! Oh no. More dolls.
Dialga: It's either them or us. Divided we fall, but united we stand!
Chapter IV: Hi, Steve!
[Bart is taking a walk with his girlfriend near the woods.]
Bart's Girlfriend: I'm glad I met you Bart. You're nice, you're funny, and you like Rise Against for their music and hatred of animal cruelty.
Bart: Thank you. That's the nicest thing I've ever been called by someone I only knew for 6 hours.
Bart's Girlfriend: Hey look, a cabin!
Bart: I don't trust cabins. They have no TV, no bathrooms, no Xbox, and no sense of protection. It's like a human bugzapper. People still think it would be fun to go to one and something bad happens! It's like "Hey, a cabin. That looks like fun. Let's go in and wait for an escaped Katamari to run over us and make us part of new planet called Replaceable Neptune." Stay away from any cabin on the face of the Earth. That's the rule I live under. Can I have my check for $100 now, Seth Grahamme Smith?
Seth-Grahamme Smith: Hey! You weren't supposed to mention that!
Bart: That's blatant product placement for ya, the best ejector seat.
Bart's Girlfriend: But I thought you lived under Jack-FM's motto.
Bart: You mean no DJs allowed?
Bart's Girlfriend: No. Playing what we want.
[Steve comes out and interrupts.]
Steve: Hi, guys!
Bart: [Sigh.] Hi, Steve.
Steve: Awww, you two are walking together! What a romantic couple! Makes my heart warm!
Bart's Girlfriend: Awwww, that's so sweet of you!
Bart: [Rolls eyes.] Yeah. OK. Let's just go with that.
Steve: By the way, you guys shouldn't be here right now! Especially when you're going to make out behind the bushes.
Bart: WHO THE HOWLRUNNER TOLD YOU? I mean, yeah. I'm glad we decided not to.
Steve: Oh well, bye, guys!
Bart's Girlfriend: [Chuckles.] Bye, Steve.
[Steve leaves.]
Bart's Girlfriend: [Happy sigh.] Steve's such a nice guy.
Bart: You mean Piranha Plant?
Bart's Girlfriend: Yeah.
[It gets dark.]
Bart's Girlfriend: I'm scared.
Bart: Don't worry. There's nothing to be afraid of. You're safe as long as I'm around. I once traveled to an alien planet. And the aliens just turned out to be cute creatures that look like bear cubs. Hey, are those UFOs? They seem to be heading for Uptown Springfield. They're on top of the tallest building. Ooooh, pretty colors.
Bart's Girlfriend: They seem to be shining lights. They look beautiful, don't they?
[Steve pops out again.]
Steve: They sure do!
Bart: Say, why do they look so threatening? Huh? Wait! SARAH! GET DOWN!
Steve: Awwww, you're name is Sarah!
Sarah: Awwww, even your misspelled speech is cute!
Steve: AWWWWW!
Sarah: AAAAAAAWWWWWWW-!
Bart: DUCK!
[BOOOOOMMMMM!]
[No, an explosive duck did not just fly into the building.]
Chapter V: We're in a Horror Movie?
Van Itch: President Wicket, sir! Aliens are nukin' Uptown Springfield!
Wicket [Translated into English.]: (Aliens?. It's happening!)
Van Itch: What ah' you talkin' 'bout?
Wicket: (Think about it. Aliens have traveled millions of light years to kill us for no reason, there's a zombie invasion, I'm the president of the U.S. when it's really Barrack Obama, don't you get it old man? We're in a horror movie!. And THERE IS NO FOURTH WALL!)
Van Itch: Sir, ya need ta stop drinkin' while you play Sim City.
Wicket: (Never mind that! Just evacuate all the civilians!. Corpses can't vote! Although zombies might. OH, NO, THERE ARE ZOMBIES TOO?)
Van Itch: Alright sir, please try to stay calm.
Wicket: (THE CEILING IS ON FIRE! I'LL NEVER SEE NIRVANA IN CONCERT!)
Chapter VI: Oh, Great. More Zombies
TR: AAAAGGGGGHHHH!
Rick: So, dude, ya goin' to the Foo Fighters concert on Saturday?
Roy: Ayyyy….
Rick: Yeah, boy!
TR: AAAAGGGGHHH! [Runs down the stairs and falls.] OOF!
Rick: You okay, dude?
TR: [Gets up.] Zombies! Swamp hobos! Dolls!
Roy: I take that as I am mildly shocked.
TR: Dude! 7 million zombies are heading here right now!
Rick: Ya gotta chill out, man!
Roy: [From window.] Hey! 7 million zombies are heading here right now!
[Long pause.]
Altogether: HOLY SHISTAVANEN!
[They run into a field and find a hillbilly's place.]
Cletus: Hey! 3 punks are runnin' away from zombies!
[Zombies head for his front lawn.]
Cletus: [Creepy cackling.] Geet offa ma lawn! [He fires his shotgun.] This land is you' land! [Bang!] This land is ma' land! [Bang!] Geet offa ma' prop'rty, I gots a shotgun! [Bang!]
TR: Can I have some moonshine?
Woman: Heyalp yerself, that steff's pretty mech pure alcihawl!
Rick: Hey, who are you?
Woman: Wahf.
Cletus: Cus'n.
Woman: Sist'r.
Cletus: Mothuh.
Woman: Aunt.
Cletus: Peyat.
Woman: Hey!
Chapter VII: Almost a Jibble Sandwich
Bart: Huh, what?
Jango Fett: Kid, are you alright?
Bart's Girlfriend: We're okay. Steve, are you- STEVE? STEVE!
Bart: Yup, he's deader than the last tofu cube at a vegan restaurant.
Bart's Girlfriend: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Z-Man: He would've wanted you to live on. Be strong.
Bart: A moment of silence for Steve. He was a good man... er, plant. Steve didn't die for nothing. He died knowing that at least one person liked him. And I'll tell you what! I'm gonna survive this whole movie just for him! Because that guy was a hero!
Jango Fett: Good. Now let's go find survivors…
Z-Man: Oh, crud! Zombie skeleton! HIYAH!
[Punches Dry Bones. He falls apart.]
Dry Bones: Ow! That hurt, you gundark!
Jango Fett: Sorry. Wait, who are you?
Dry Bones: I'm Krayt Dragon Slayer Underscore_4754656471. But you can just call me Dry Bones.
Jango Fett: OK? Let's just find survivors.
[Several hours later.]
Bart: Everyone here's deader than Fred Phelps at a gay bodybuilder convention. Huh?
[Sarah is walking into an alley.]
Bart: Sarah, are you okay? Are you tired of my colorful similes?
[She just stands.]
Bart: If you're still sad about Steve's passing, I understand. At least he deserves to be in a good place.
[A tear rolls down her cheek.]
Sarah: Why, Bart? Why do bad things happen?
[Bart backs away. Sarah starts sobbing. Bart and Dry Bones start looting a gun store.]
Bart: A Walter-P47. I could use this.
Dry Bones: Dibs on the AR4 Commando!
Z-Man: I already got an AK-47 on my arm, so just get me some grenades!
Bart: Get canned food, too, and lots of it. It's gonna be a dark time.
Dry Bones: Say, do you know that there are some zombies right behind us?
Bart: Yeah, but they're not killing us. They're heading for something else. Besides, Jango and Z-Man are bounty hunters. They can take care of themselves.
Chapter VIII: It's Best to Skip this Chapter a.k.a The Silent Movie Chapter a.k.a If You Imagine Fast-Paced Ragtime Music While Reading This It Becomes A Very Funny Chapter a.k.a The Chapter Whose Name Is Likely Longer Than The Chapter Itself Chapter a.k.a No One With a Life Reads This Far Into the Title of this Chapter Chapter (just sayin')
[Zombies chase Sarah while the rest are looting.]
[Some handsome guy her age comes in and saves her.]
[Handsome guy turns out to be a vampire named Harvey.]
[Harvey drinks Sarah's blood.]
[Sarah turns pale.]
[You know where this is gonna lead to.]
[Contragulations! You SARAH evolved into a HOT VAMPIRE CHICK!]
[Now this story is just plagiarizing Twilight.]
[Wicket becomes only survivor of an unexpected nuking and becomes like Neville from I Am Legend (but without a dog).]
[Rick, Roy, and TR hide in the Outback... Steakhouse across the street.]
[The perfect ultimate horror movie.]
[My cat's breath smells like cat food.]
[Edgar dude why are there like 10 parentheses actions in a row.]
Hal: Hey! Don't Jeft and I get anymore lines in this damn movie?
[Alright, fine! Hal and Jeft roam the countryside taking on zombies one by one for the rest of time.]
At this point the teams are:
The Bounty Hunter 4:
Bart, Dry Bones, Z-Man, Jango Fett
The Rockers:
Rick, Roy, TR
The Dynamic Duo #2:
Hal, Jeft
The Ewok(s):
Wicket
The Awesome Pokémon:
Dialga, Pikachu
Victims:
Cartman, Steve, Van Itch, Freddie [I mean Carl], about a billion zombies
Hal: It's getting very boring! I thought being in a zombie invasion would be fun! Instead, it's boring!
Pikachu: Pikachu!
[Gets crushed by a giant head of the Statue of Liberty.]
Jeft: Yeah! I've got no arms! How the fairies am I supposed to kill zombies?
Hal: Hey! Is that a bear cub?
Jeft: It's president Wicket!
Wicket: (Finally, survivors! Help me out, I'm wounded!)
Hal: Don't worry, I'm a medic!
[Wicket recovers from his wounds and they find the Rockers.]
Chapter IX: I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie
Bart: Have you guys seen Sarah?
Jango Fett: Last time I saw her, she went into that alley.
Bart: I already checked there.
Z-Man: We've cleared the zombies in this perimeter, so she's not here.
Bart: WHAT? I'm going to find her! If I'm not back in 48 hours, I'm either dead or having THE MOST EPIC MAKEOUT SESSION EVER! Either way, don't wait up.
[Bart grabs as many weapons as he can carry and takes the Jeep.]
Dry Bones: You know he's gonna die, right?
Z-Man: Doubt it. There are many weird things that love makes people do.
Jango Fett: Did Bart take the Slave I?
Dry Bones: No. Why'd you ask?
Jango Fett: 'Cause it's not where I parked it.
Steve: Oh, look, it's over by that squirrel!
All three: STEVE?
Steve: Yeah, you see, some weird voodoo people did some rain dance that made me come back to life! Oh, look, a ship! It has very bright lights.
[The other three stare at the ship involuntarily.]
Steve; I wonder what it is!
Z-Man: It's a TIE Interceptor X1! STEVE! SHOOT IT NOW!
Steve: OK, if you say so!
[Steve shoots the TIE Interceptor X1. It blows up. Everyone cheers.]
Steve: That was fun!
Z-Man: By the way, Bart's girlfriend missed you.
Steve: Aw, that shows a sign of sensitivity! Meep!
Dry Bones: Well, she's missing, and Bart went to go find her, even thought we told him that she's probably turned into a vampire.
Chapter X: Grand Moth Tarkin
Bart: Die, zombies! I'm gonna need a bigger Mamba 25G! Hey, it's a creepy castle! Hey, it's Sideshow Bob!
Bob: I will kill you, Bart! [BANG.] Dahhh! Curse you, Bart! I ONLY GOT ONE BLASTED LINE IN THIS ABOMONATION OF MAN!
[Bart enters the castle and is alone.]
Bart: Anybody? Sarah? Anybody in this vicinity? C'mon. This isn't funny. [Looks up and sees-] Vampires? AY CARUMBA MAMASITA TACOS!
[Sarah jumps out.]
Bart: Sarah, it's me! Bart!
Sarah: Blooood…
[Thinks up a good dialogue to confuse her like in ejection seat #1 in How to Survive a Horror Movie.]
Bart: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs destroy men. Men destroy Dinosaurs. Women inherit planet. Ah, who cares?
[Bart and Sarah kiss. Sarah tries to bite Bart inside the mouth, which Bart interprets as being really into it. Meanwhile.]
Rick: I sense a disturbance in the Force! Hey, here comes someone.
Chapter XI: Your Free Trial of Chow Mein is Almost Over!
Jango Fett: Who is responsible for this mess? This is madness!
Dialga: No! This… is… SPARTA!
Rick: No, his is RICK! I mean, uh, Patrick! I mean LET'S KILL ZOMBIES!
Z-Man: This time, no phoenix will rise from the ashes! Haku Mosente!
Steve: I think Z-Man has gone mad with power.
Z-Man: WHY ELSE WOULD I WANT POWER?
[Grabs zombie and throws him into a UFO that then crashes.]
[Snaps alien's arms off and drums on his head with them.]
Jango Fett: OK, no more God of War for that guy. [Z-Man shoots a zombie in the face and jump-kicks it, making it fall over onto other zombies like dominoes.] Or Dead Rising 2.
Chapter XII: Vampires II: Electric Boogaloo
Bart: Sarah! Why have you forsaken me! In your eyes forsaken me! In your thoughts forsaken me! In your heart forsaken… ME! Trust! IN! MYYY! Self- righteous suicide! I cry! When angels deserve to die! Hey, when are you gonna suck my blood already? I'm sick of singing this weird song. [Phone rings. Bart answers.] Hello? What's that? Steve is alive? Sarah! Steve is alive!
Sarah: Really? That's great! Then forget being a vampire! Well actually, I look good as a goth. But whatever!
[Bart and Sarah battle. Sarah breaks her leg. Bart kills the vamps and carries Sarah outside. Sara's leg is healed by love. No, really.]
Chapter XIV: The Death Star Connection
Z-Man: Hey, what's that thing?
[Points to a floating, glowing thingie.]
Jango Fett: That's the weird thingy that caused all this!
Z-Man: How convenient.
Dialga: I've only got one shot! AND I REFUSE TO GET DRAGGED TO HELL!
TR: Actually, you've got all the shots you want, and you can't go to hell. Just shoot that thingie.
Hal: Dude, he was trying to sound like the awesomest thing in the world and you ruined it! Your whole existence is…
[BBBBBBBAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!]
Roy: We stopped the chaos! Woohoo!
[Suddenly there's an evil laugh. Jason comes out.]
Jason: Fools! That wasn't the real random thingie! It's over there!
[Bart and Sarah are riding the Slave I and destroyed the real one then killed Jason by pushing him into 3 wood chippers and then feeding the scraps to orphaned puppies with 3 legs all in one action narration.]
Jango Fett: So that's where the Slave I was.
[The Slave I crashes and explodes and it and the thingie gets hit by a meteor the size of the Death Star. Wait, actually it IS the Death Star.]
Roy: [Long pause.] A moment of silence.
[Bart and Sarah come out of the dust like soldiers. HOLY CRAP THIS IS SUCH A COP OUT I THINK WE JUST PUT SUPER MARIO BROS. 2 TO SHAME.]
Bart: We ain't dyin' that easily.
TR: Well, it's Independence Day. A time of fireworks and county fairs. Even though like 99% of the Earth was destroyed in that meteor.
Wicket: Hayabadabla!
[The Simpsons Theme: Green Day version.]
Green Day: Hey! Hey! Hey! Dan! Dan dan, dad an! Dan dan, da dadada Dan!
Everyone else: Da dadadadan, dadadadan!
The End... HA! Just foolin'
Chapter XV: Wait! Who was the Originator Again?
Jango Fett: TR, I'm only gonna ask you one last time: Who the hell was Cartman's originator?
TR: I was.
Jango Fett and Z-Man: WHAAAAAAA-?
TR: That's right! You totally got screwed and asked irrelevant questions! And- I... have... to pay you all, don't I?
Jango Fett and Z-Man: Mmm Hmm.
Chapter XVI: Epilogue (a.k.a OK, We Swear This Is The Last Chapter)
Bart and Sara eventually started dating and even made out in the locker room that one time. Dry Bones, Steve, and the rest returned to the Mushroom Kingdom and lived as happily-ever-after as possible when you're constantly being jumped on by an overweight Italian plumber.
THE END (for reals this time)
Chow Mein: Alternate Ending (a.k.a Aw, Come On!)
Dialga: I GOTTA MAKE THIS! I'VE ONLY GOT 1 SHOT!
TR: Actually, you can control time, and you have unlimited shots, you just have to recharge after each one.
Dialga: Shut up! I was trying to make drama!
TR: Drama? Dude, what drama? The thingie is like 2 feet away. I can just hit it with my shotgun.
Dialga: Silly boy, that's not how it works!
[Hurls Adamant Orb at it. BBBBBBBAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!]
Roy: We stopped the chaos! Woohoo!... (etc.)