Nozomu Itoshiki sighed a heavy sigh, one laden with sadness and melancholy and other things that mean the same thing. He had felt a sudden "spasm of despair" (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; pg 94; last sentence of first paragraph; remember kiddies, always give credit where it's due!) and after the usual 'I'm in despair!' junk, he decided to commit suicide, but then realized he had no more rope and found that he wasn't manly enough to knife himself in the stomach or anything like that, which just made him more depressed. So he took a warm bath.
And so the raven-haired (but in no way related to Uchiha Sasuke) teacher sank in the warm water. Steam clouded the nearby mirror and windows, though why you would want a window in your bathroom, I don't know. The water was also just opaque enough so Nozomu's body could not be seen at all under the water.
He sighed heavily again.
"What's wrong, sensei?" Matoi had been lurking in a convenient corner, unseen, until she spoke, that is. Even though Nozomu knew the stalker girl had his phone number and a copy of his keys and even pictures of him sleeping, he never got used to the fact that she could be anywhere. For example, in his bathroom while he was taking a bath.
The teacher jumped, but managed to still conceal his manly parts. "A-ah…did you…?"
"Don't worry, I looked away in time."
"Good."
"What's wrong, sensei?" Matoi insisted, moving closer to the side of the tub.
"Well," Nozomu replied, looking off to the side, to the tiled walls of his bathroom. They were yellowed, because bathroom tiles always had to be yellowed. "I was just thinking about how good it was as an anime instead of a fanfiction." Matoi silently stared. She was very good at that. Nozomu took this as a sign to continue, and did so. "I mean, our anime is pleasing to the eye. Except in claymation. But with fanfiction, it really depends on the writer…and it can be hard to describe what is going on in the scene. Some writers are like Harumi…and then some just don't know how to write. And also, those title card things in the beginning of each episode were nice…but you can't have that kind of thing in fanfiction."
"You can have a chapter title," Matoi offered, but only received yet another sigh in response.
"No…It just won't be the same."
"But sensei…" Matoi leaned over now, so her face was mere inches away from the teacher's own face. Her eyes stared into his beautiful emerald ones. There was the sense of some inner understanding of something very important, or of some connection being made, like the answer to the Ultimate Question being solved (42) or something. She ignored the fact that her sleeves were getting wet for the time being. "…will it make you feel happy…?"
Spasms of Despair
"Actually, I think that did make me feel better. 'Spasms of Despair'…has a nice ring to it, actually," Nozomu confessed, smiling a little up at Matoi. The stalker smiled back, happy that the love-of-her-life-for-the-time-being was marginally happier, though still obviously depressed, since that was his normal state.
"Um…can you leave my bathroom now? I'm about to get out…"
"It's fine, I don't mind."
"…This is my house, you know, not yours…"
Little did anyone know that their world, Earth, was about to be overrun by many confused foreigners from various universes. Or maybe the same universe, but different planets. Anyways, for some reason, all these confused foreigners would flock to Japan. A certain place in Japan, actually.
In the sky, there is a white star. It grows bigger, suggesting that it isn't a stationary white star, but a moving white star. A falling star.
A person walking outside just happened to look up and found that it wasn't a star at all, but a small pod glowing red from recent turbulence with our glorious atmosphere. Then he was crushed under it. If he had enough time to live, he would probably notice with great interest how white and clean and shiny the pod was. It was perfectly round. There didn't seem to be any windows, though.
With a 'fshooooo' sound and a whole bunch of smoke coming from nowhere, a door opened where it didn't seem like there would be a door, and dropped downwards to the ground. It didn't quite reach it because of the person underneath the pod, but that didn't matter to the occupant who clanked down the door and just hopped off at the end.
The figure wondered where the hell all the steam was coming from. It was sure that the pod hadn't crashed that badly. Then the figure's gigantic brain realized that steam was supposed to come out. It was for dramatic effect. Well, the previous owner of the pod was one for dramatic effects…
Speaking of dramatic effects, if this were a movie instead of a fanfiction, then the figure would be entirely shadowed with almost no features showing, but it would still be obvious who the figure was. All you would see of this figure would be triangular green eyes, unblinking, as they observed the man underneath the pod.
And somewhere else, another (heavily shadowed) man appeared out of nowhere. To go into more detail, somewhere in the space above a random part of sidewalk, a subtle popping noise…well, popped. There seemed to be another subtle noise that sounded oddly of screaming interrupted by short periods of 'ohshitohshitohshit' or something along those lines. Anybody looking out a window would notice that sparks suddenly appeared at some point on the sidewalk and continued onwards, though nobody seemed to be causing them. The sparks eventually evolved into fire, which trailed on and on and on and on and on until friction decided to stop loafing around and actually do something. A few seconds later, a figure could finally be seen as he had slowed down enough. He gracefully stumbled to a stop and fell over onto his face. His boots seemed to have disintegrated and his hat was most definitely on fire. This figure lay there for a while, breathing heavily and generally trying to figure out if he was alive. Of course, this was a stupid thing to try and figure out if you know you're breathing, but the figure decided not to take any chances. Then he got up off the hard concrete, dusted off his robes, extinguished the fire on his hat, and stared blankly at the unfamiliar surroundings.
And yet another person popped into existence. It wasn't as flashy as the last guy, though. Instead of trailing over six feet of flame, this person just…well…um…it was like a blink of an eye thing. Sort of. She seemed to have been in a middle of an attack before she was spirited away from where ever she had been before, and managed to explode a car that was unfortunately placed in front of her. Realizing that it was no longer misty like where she had just come from, the girl looked around, blinking round eyes. She realized that the damn opponent she was just fighting had done this. Well, only he could have done this, as far as she knew. The girl decided that she had better find out where the hell she was and try to figure out a way to get back.
And once again another person (don't worry, this is the last one, I promise) appeared. Not as flashy as the trailing-fire man, but still quite flashy. Mostly because there was a blinding white flash and if you were stupid enough to stare at that white flash, you would be blinded immediately and thus would not be able to see the light suddenly contract into a small point and that small point in turn, expanding into a shape of a slightly hunched person.
I would go into detail about how some other people pop into existence coincidentally in Japan, but it would take too much time and besides, not all of them really matter.
Because of all these foreigners walking around now, it is no surprise that Kafka found one of them, confused, lost, bewildered, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a man in a red dress – erm, robe – and a rather worn red hat. She noticed that someone had made a spelling error on it. Or, maybe, 'Wizzard' was his name. That would be a really cool name.
He was rather tall and lanky and sort of wretched-looking and had a beard that looked like it was supposed to be fantastic and long, but gave up waaaaaaaay before the half-way point. It was more like an unimpressive tuft of red or orange or whatever. Kafka immediately ran up to him to say hi. He jumped when she did so and looked around furtively.
"Hello! Where are you from? That's a pretty cool hat. So your name is Wizzard is it? Wow…a pretty cool name. Hey, if you're Wizzard, can you do some magic?"
Rincewind (for this stranger's name is indeed Rincewind), since he was surprised, just gaped and said 'Uh' a lot for a few minutes. The scraggly man wasn't in the best of shape. He had no idea where this strange place was, no idea who this girl was, and had only a little grasp of what she had just said. (He only understood 'Wizzarddo' and 'Magikku' but only after frowning in concentration and mouthing the words himself.) Though, actually, now that he was thinking straight, he realized that the language the weird girl was speaking was quite similar to the language in the Agatean Empire. (Similar, but not identical. For example, instead of 'Hello,' Kafka appeared to have said something about spontaneously combusting coconuts.) Rincewind was rather good at languages, since he needed to know how to scream in every one (Screaming 'Aaaaah' in one part of his world actually meant 'Your wife is a big hippo' or 'I would like to eat your foot' or 'Hello, thinks Mr. Purple Cat!' There's also 'Quick, extra boiling oil!' and 'highly enjoyable') so he used this skill to attempt to converse with a Japanese person in Agatean.
First, he carefully ignored all that Kafka said, made sure to ignore the fact that she was dressed as a sailor, and simply asked, "Do you know where I am?"
"Oh, you're in Japan." Rincewind's face had suddenly gone blank at this reply, for in Agatean, 'Nihon' means something along the lines of 'Killkillkill'.
"I've never heard of that…uh…oh dammit…hippo?" Kafka stared back, prompting Rincewind to try again. "Dirty fleece blanket…wrinkled paper that was once wet…place. This is still Discworld, right?"
"Discworld?" Kafka repeated, tiling her head to one side.
"Yeah, you know," Rincewind said, getting very worried at the way the girl was looking confusedly at him. "Big round thing…with oceans and mountains and the Hub and the Rim…"
"That sounds like Earth, but I've never heard of a hub or rim."
"No, it's the Hub and the Rim. You know…exact…biscuit…no, I mean center of Discworld and the rim of Discworld…the Cori Celesti…" Rincewind waved his hands around as some sort of odd emphasis. "You don't really need to hear about them really…they're just…there…"
"Rim? But the world doesn't have a rim. It's round."
"That's stupid. How would anybody stay on?"
"Well, there's the gravity. It pulls everything down."
"Exactly. People would just slide off the sides if the world was round. In fact, the only place you could stand on would be the very top."
And then it was time for Nozomu to make his appearance with his usual shouting of some random nonsense. "Ah! Could this be…?"
"Oh, Pink Supervisor! I've found a guy called Wizzard! He's really funny. I think he's an alien." Kafka cheerfully dragged Nozomu closer, where the teacher got a better look at the odd man.
"Weird clothes…is that a dress?"
"It's a robe," Rincewind replied testily while wondering whether he should go find somebody else to talk to. (Unfortunately, the Agatean word for 'robe' sounds like the Japanese word for 'half-naked weasel' which obviously led to some confusion.)
"You are not of this universe, are you?"
"There's a lot of evidence pointing to that, actually. A round world…rubbish, just stuff in books. I think there was some old cult that thought the world was round…"
"Oh god! As I thought! A crossover fanfiction!" Nozomu cried to the sky, jolting Rincewind out of his quiet mutterings and convincing him even more that he should find some other company. "I bet you are from some place that is in no way remotely related to this place and that you have no reasonable explanation for being here too," the teacher added somberly.
"Well…actually…" Rincewind frowned. It was as the bespectacled man said. He had no idea why he was here, (and he would rather be back too for he feared that any moment, he might slip off the rounded side of the Earth) and the only thing he remembered was going really, really fast from one place to this one for no apparent reason other than he had the worst luck ever. "…Nobody here will expect me to save the world or anything from…um…keeling…no…wheel…falling off the sides of this world, right?"
"No, I don't think anybody could ever need help on a nice day as this," Kafka replied amiably. "So this is a crossover? Well, I always say it's nice to meet new and interesting people. Hey, can you do magic?"
"Are you kidding? Crossovers are one of the worst types of fanfiction ever! They are the product of what should not be! Transformers and Love Hina! Bambi and The Terminator! It's like…the writer suddenly wonders what happens if X meets Y or if X replaces Y in Universe Y, and so they start writing and it starts out not so ridiculous and then it gets out of hand and becomes outright ludicrous! They almost never give a reason why X and Y meet and get in a highly implausible relationship where they do this and that!"
"Oh, I know those," Harumi suddenly popped up, conveniently holding one of 'those' manga. "I tried drawing a yaoi pairing with Itachi and Ace, but it really didn't work out." ("'Yaw-oi'?" "You probably don't want to know.") "And I really thought it could work too…"
"Putting aside Fujiyoshi-san's thoughts on good pairings, fanfiction crossovers also always seems very pointless. There's never a plot, like the writers just wanted to see what kind of conversation would occur between two favorite characters from different series and just hastily put in a plot afterwards. Watch, soon there will be a very shaky plot introduction by some other character who's probably from another universe."
"Did somebody call me?" A man shuffled up to the group. This one was very old and had an oddly shaped head and very thick spectacles. He was wearing a lab coat and trousers pulled way up (something that old people always seems to do) and apparently was still in some fuzzy slippers. This man is generally known as Professor Farnsworth. "Ah, and by the way, although I could have obviously asked someone else but inexplicably waited until you came along to actually do it, is this still New New York?"
"New New York? Don't you mean New York?" Harumi queried, and no, I did not just use the word 'queried' to show off my immense vocabulary. I don't have an immense vocabulary.
"This is Japan," Nozomu answered.
"Japan? Hm. Does this mean I happen to be speaking Japanese right now?"
"Well, yes…Japan is known for Japanese-speaking natives…"
"I'm speaking Agatean," Rincewind added. However, 'Agatean' sounded like 'succulent unicycles' in Japanese.
"That's strange, I don't remember ever learning Japanese, though I may have taken a crash course in college while drunk after one of those parties. And I don't remember wearing this lab coat. In fact, I don't remember getting out of bed today…how did I get here…? And what is this I'm holding?" Professor Farnsworth adjusted his thick spectacles to peer at the small, rectangular device in his wrinkled hand. It had fancy looking buttons that could possibly destroy the world if you messed with them and a nifty looking screen and it went 'beep' every so often. It was also held together with duct tape. The big bold letters written in smelly sharpie on one particular piece of duct tape read 'Doom Molecules Detector'.
"Wow, sensei, another interesting person! This must be a great inventor! What does that thing do?"
"Oh this? It's either the remote to one of my doomsday devices or the thing-gummy that detects the amount of doom molecules in the air and shows how closely the world is to ending. Incidentally, there seems to be a lot of doom molecules surrounding that young man over there." Professor Farnsworth pointed a shaking arm towards Nozomu, who looked around wildly before pointing to himself as if saying, 'Who, me?' "Either that, or I have accidentally activated something back in my lab and we have only a few minutes before Earth is destroyed."
"Doom molecules?" Harumi asked, tilting her head slightly.
"Ah, doom molecules are tiny, mischievous things that go around causing little mishaps in the world. They can also cause little rips and tears in the world if they cause too big a mishap, but the world tends to pick itself back up. If too many doom molecules accumulate together, they can cause a giant rip which even our trusty Earth cannot handle, and in one giant mishap, can destroy the world! Incidentally, they apparently tend to appear around rips in space-time continuum, depressed and angsty emo brats, and, of course, Florida." The old scientist finished his explanation and nodded happily. "Luckily, Florida is built on a large, festering pile of weirdness that once in a while, turns into a small black hole now and then and cleans up some of the doom molecules there, and the only depressed people depressed enough to bring about the end of the world are generally in fictions that everybody hate."
"Then that explains it. Itoshiki-sensei is rather depressed, after all," Matoi said, having been lurking all along. (Rincewind was quite startled at her sudden appearance.)
"So…my very existence can actually destroy the world…!" Nozomu shouted.
"Actually, you need mass depression for the world to end, if my calculations are right, or a few really depressed people coming together (though what are the chances of that?). Even your doom molecules and some of the doom molecules coming from that lady over there aren't enough," Professor Farnsworth nodded happily.
"Well, I guess these doom whatsits explain why I always seem to have bad luck wherever I go. And sir, this isn't a dress and I'm not a woman," Rincewind said testily.
"The whole world is actually better off if I were dead…" Nozomu continued, suddenly wrapped in his own personal emo bubble.
"The Doom Molecule Detector is only giving off a reading of about…half the Doom required for the end of the world. Of course, the closer two Doom-Molecule-infected persons are, the higher the Doom reading. I believe this is because when two different infected individuals get within range, the Doom Molecules start this…ah…misery-inducing wild sex kind of thing."
The mandatory four shots of different views of Nozomu's face show (though you won't see it since this is a fanfiction) and he shouted, "I'm in despair! The thought that I can bring about the end of the world has left me in despair!"
"Also, the more depressed one gets, the more doom molecules there are," Farnsworth said amiably as the device in his hand started beeping urgently.
"Brother, control yourself," Nozomu's sister, Rin, said scornfully. "The more you despair, the closer we get to the destruction of the world. I haven't married and gotten rid of this name yet." Rin apparently had just happened to be passing by and apparently had overheard everything.
"The only way for me to stop…" Nozomu started, and rather predictably, got out a noose.
"Also, they accumulate around people about to do suicide. They do love a good suicide, and maybe ruining it. Oh my, this man's depression is really something, hm? Doom Molecules are flocking around him like mindless bystanders to a very dangerous situation involving some superhero. I daresay by the time he actually puts that noose around his throat and kicks that stool away..."
"Stop! Don't act so unreasonable! At least wait until I have gotten rid of this name!" Rin shouted before throwing herself onto her brother in an attempt to restrain him from killing himself and possibly raising the doom level high enough to end the world.
"At least wait until we are properly married, sensei!" Chiri joined in, tackling Nozomu as well, so that the teacher struggled to stay on his stool.
"…it still won't be enough to destroy the world," the professor continued, though was unheard.
"If the world is destroyed because of you, I'LL SUE!" Kaere yelled, pulled off her panty flash, and pounced on Nozomu as well.
"I want to continue living! I don't want to die, especially on this…this…round planet!" Rincewind wailed as well, getting into the spirit of the situation, before trying to drag Nozomu away from the noose.
"Now look what you've done! It's almost World-Destruction level now! Didn't I tell you that close contact between two infested individuals increases the level considerably?!" Farnsworth roared from his seat, having just noticed that his device was beeping dangerously fast now and was holding up a sign that said 'Say your prayers,' as a very localized earthquake occurred around the pile of struggling bodies, followed by a short tornado attack that threw the pile to the ground and a thunderbolt that almost struck them as well as a sudden rain of fish and one elephant. (Tragically, one man was squished by the falling elephant. The elephant was unharmed.) When Nozomu and Rincewind were separated, the Doom levels dropped again and the earthquake stopped. Rincewind shook a distressed trout off of his hat.
"There, now you two just avoid actually touching each other, and the world should be considerably safe, as long as some other depressed idiot doesn't come along. Now I think I'll pop into the next spaceship to New New York, if you don't mind. Don't go about bringing the Apocalypse while I'm gone!" The professor then turned around and started shuffling away slowly in a random direction.
"Oh, inventor guy, we don't have spaceships here!" Kafka said after him.
"What?! What has Japan come to! No spaceships…how could you travel to Alpha Centori, hm? Japan is supposed to be one of the most advanced countries, not some back-water twentieth-century bum!" The professor was about to go into full Old-Man-Rant-Mode, but Kafka stopped him in time.
"This is the twentieth century, though." This was shocking enough to stop Farnsworth from ranting for a few seconds.
"…the twentieth century…? That's impossible! It's impossible to go back in time!" Farnsworth roared, obviously forgetting his little adventure in Roswell (and that weird time code thing, but thinking about that makes my head hurt so I don't want to mention it). "Although that does explain why Space Godzilla hasn't arrived to destroy the city yet…god dammit, that means I'll have to figure out a way to get back. Maybe a time machine of some sort…"
"Maybe you can make something that can send me back?" Rincewind asked but was immediately ignored.
"Woow! An inventor from the future! See, sensei? This crossover has brought some interesting people here! I wonder if we'll find an alien?"
"What about the fact that suddenly, I can destroy the world, huh?! Did you just forget about that?!" Nozomu roared. "Well, at least it doesn't seem like a poorly constructed plot has arisen yet."
"Oh, look, some more carbon-based life-forms," an electronic voice moaned (in English) as its owner dragged himself towards the group. This new person wasn't actually a person, but a robot more commonly known as Marvin the Paranoid Android. And now there were three very depressing people standing in rather close proximity.
"Great Zombie Jesus!" Farnsworth cried as his device started beeping and contemplating suicide.
"Ah, Japanese, is it?" the robot asked, now speaking flawless Japanese using some complex robotic thing.
"This robot here has more Doom Molecules surrounding him than both of you combined!" Professor Farnsworth announced loudly. "It's amazing that the world hasn't ended yet! You three must stay as far apart as possible, or perhaps live in Florida!"
Rincewind seized this chance. "Oh yes, good idea. You know what would be far away? Discworld. Now I bet that would be a great place to send me, if you could." He was still ignored. Maybe it was Ignore the Guy in the Robe Day.
"Well, what are you all waiting for? Go on! Get lost! To Florida! Away from each other, at least! Do you want to destroy the world?" Farnsworth shouted, making exaggerated waving motions with his hands.
"It figures," Marvin sighed, making no move to leave (or maybe going through it very slowly). "I'm hated already."
"I don't hate you," Kafka quipped cheerfully, bounding towards the white and sleek robot. "I think you're cool."
"You don't have to pretend to like me," Marvin gloomily said, lowering his round head dejectedly to the ground. Although the robot could (sort of) read minds and could tell that the cheerful girl wasn't lying, it was a habit of his to say it. And what kind of depressed robot would he be if he didn't say that? "The world might end soon, so there's no point, really."
"Well, maybe the world won't end if you just left," Farnsworth said crossly. "Before some other remarkably depressed person comes!" As he said this, someone who was remarkably not a depressed person came by. This was a female with long pink hair in pigtails and wearing some kind of gothic lolita style clothing. There was also a small crown on her head. Not the pointy kind, though.
She immediately stretched out her arms, out of which several ghosts flew out of. These ghosts then passed through everybody in the group except Rin, who just happened to have left at that point. This is very important, because these ghosts have the power to make people very depressed, except for people who were already depressed. "Alright now, somebody tell me where the hell I am!" Perona (since this ghost-lady's name is Perona) shouted hysterically.
She was replied with a lot of moans. Chiri dropped to her knees and sighed, "I am so imperfect…I should just die…" Matoi sighed, "My love is never to be" from her spot on the ground. "Oh, I wish my heart would just give out already," the professor moaned. Meru, who had randomly showed up, knelt to the ground as well and quickly typed 'I'm such a hypocritical piece of shit…I deserve to die…' Kaere lay on the ground, mumbled something about suing, then said, "Oh what's the point…" and mumbled something about suicide. And so on. Perona realized this was a little thoughtless on her part and wondered why she sent her Negative-ghosts out in the first place if she only wanted to know where the hell she was. The pink-haired girl got the feeling that some higher being (like The Authoress) just wanted her to do that just to see what the result would be.
"That was an experience I wouldn't like to have again anytime soon," said Rincewind testily, being unaffected by the negative effects since, as said before, he was pretty damn negative. He still felt the unpleasant chill as the ghost went through his guts. It was a very unnerving feeling.
"Why haven't I gotten a lot of lines recently?" Nozomu complained. "Is it that in crossovers the original characters are overshadowed by the newcomers?" He was about to launch in another 'I'm in despair' speech when Kafka interrupted.
"That felt weird…" she said unsteadily. Her constant smile was faded now, as if she was uncertain of her optimism. Apparently, she was so optimistic that the ghost's pessimistic effects didn't quite overcome it. Because this kind of thing had never happened before and The Authoress wanted her to do it, Perona temporarily forgot any worries of where the hell she was and sent another ghost through Kafka. The now not-so-optimistic girl teetered, held her head, and said, "I think…I need to…lie down…"
"By the way, you're in Japan," Nozomu offered because he wanted more dialogue.
When all the pessimism wore off and the world, amazingly, hadn't come to an emo, wrist-slitting end, Farnsworth proceeded to stomp around in an elderly way. "And now someone who can turn people into pessimistic twits comes!" He ranted as he shuffled around in circles. "It's like the world wants to end!"
"Well, even though I'm pretty much evil, I wouldn't want the world to end," Perona said nervously after everything was explained to her and a small volcano suddenly arose and erupted due to all the pessimism (not necessarily in that order). She made sure that she wouldn't use those ghosts until she was well away from any large groups of very depressed people.
"See what happens when you make a crossover?" Nozomu said to nobody in particular. "The world ends."
"It hasn't ended yet, sensei," Kafka quipped.
"Oh, you're horribly optimistic again," the teacher sighed. Then, because the chapter is getting a little too long for The Authoress's comfort and because she really doesn't know what to type, she decided to suddenly time-skip in a totally inappropriate place.
"Good news, everybody!" the professor shouted. "To recap for nobody in particular, because some evil spiritual orb thing (see Marchen Awakens Romance) managed to take over Perona's body while she was doing her weird astral projection thing (for reasons unknown) and has all intentions of ending the world (for no reason), I thought it would be a good idea to get the most positive people in all the universes to combat all the negativity. Also, I put those three depressed, Doom Molecule-enriched twats in quarantine."
"How is this quarantine?!" Nozomu shouted from inside a large, clear, plastic hamster ball. Rincewind moodily sulked in his. Marvin had shut himself off by now.
"And I have finished my teleporting machine that will hopefully band all the optimistic people in the multiverse to save the world!" Farnsworth finished.
"We know, the dammed thing's right behind you," Rincewind sighed sullenly. "Can I get out now?"
"Shut up," Farnsworth replied before pulling a large switch down.
"What I don't understand," Rincewind continued unhappily, "is why the bloody orb thing hasn't destroyed the world yet. It shouldn't take that long to send those ghost things out everywhere. Also, if you could build that…thing, then why couldn't you just send me home?"
Professor Farnsworth calmly said nothing, probably because he couldn't hear over the roar of the machine's engines and the random clacking racket it made. Light shone brightly in a ten-foot tall glass container, bright enough to make one shield their eyes, and contracted quickly and popped. When everybody stopped blinking dazedly and the remains of the blue/green spots in their eyes went away, they saw that in the glass cylinder was something that looked like a donkey. A stuffed donkey. With a tail pinned on. And a little bow.
As the donkey looked around, bewildered, Professor Farnsworth deftly checked the Doom Molecule device thing. "Huh," he said, scratching his bald head. "It appears this thing is depressed too. Maybe I should try again…" A few more buttons were pushed, and the donkey was replaced by a long-nosed, curly-haired teen.
"Oh, I know that guy," the apparition of Perona said dismissively. "He's negative too." The teen disappeared in a flash.
"Stupid machine…maybe I put the batteries in the wrong way…" Farnsworth scuffled around to the side of the large machine and kicked it several times because that usually worked for him. Then he checked the batteries. Then he flipped them positive side up. Then he went back to the front and started operating the machine again.
"That doesn't even make sense," Nozomu commented, but it worked. Kafuka appeared in the glass cylinder in a blinding flash of light a second later. "That was pointless," Nozomu added. "She was right behind me."
"That's strange," Farnsworth mused. "It's not finding any other wildly optimistic people in the multiverse. I blame The Authoress for not knowing any other positive people!" the professor cried, dramatically shaking a wrinkly fist in the air. Kafuka just calmly opened the glass door and clambered out of the cylinder, making comments on how fun teleporting was. Marvin promptly turned on and stated that nothing was ever fun.
"Can I go back home now? It seems like a good time to," Rincewind said. "You know, with this world apparently coming to an end and all…"
"I just realized how ironic this is because I've been saying that crossovers are bad and it turns out that we need a crossover to save the world," Nozomu said. "But now I believe that with this shocking plot twist revealed, The Authoress would have to either make the world end or think up of some complex and witty way to save the world. Only she's too lazy to, so she would do something stupid instead. Like have the villain come and gloat."
The wall exploded and the body of Perona possessed by the weird evil orb thing stepped in and laughed loudly. "Hahaha, fools!" She/it cried, or at least something along those lines. She/it then proceeded to taunt the very idea that they would go against her/its plans of total annihilation of the world and pointed out how foolish it was to prolong the inevitable and probably made a remark about their mothers. "Now despair as I will wipe out this pathetic world in a wave of depression!"
"You bastard, give me back my body!" Astral-Perona stormed as she floated around helplessly. Her look of anger turned to one of amusement as her body just cackled, turned around to leave through the hole she/it created earlier, only to bounce off the giant hamster ball of Marvin, then bounce into Nozomu, then bounce into the glass cylinder that Kafuka left open. The glass door closed with a bang, making the professor, who had fallen asleep, suddenly wake up. Startled, he scratched his head and mumbled 'Hwaaah?' in a rather crotchety manner before hitting a button on his machine for no good reason.
The orb thing from Marchen Awakens Romance was teleported away to some other world and was never heard from again because The Authoress couldn't think of another way to get rid of him. It. The orb thing also conveniently left behind Perona's body, which Astral-Perona settled into gleefully.
"That didn't make sense either," Nozomu complained once he managed to steady his hamster-ball. "Can I go out now?"
"Hwaah? Oh, sure, whatever. Someone open those things, would they?"
"I will," Chiri volunteered and approached Nozomu with a rather large cleaver. She then proceeded to dramatically cut open a hole and thus scared the willies out of her teacher. Marvin accepted this same treatment unflinchingly. Rincewind decided that it was quite alright in the enclosed world of the hamster ball, but had to turn around, close his eyes, and hum really loudly when Chiri came over anyways.
"Now I guess it's time for everybody to go home now," Farnsworth said rather cheerfully. This was supposed to be the moment where all the characters from across the multiverse would hug and tearfully or manfully say that it had been a pleasure living in this universe, but they hadn't stayed for very long and they didn't particularly like each other. Rincewind in particular was very eager to leave, as he did not want to confront any other crazy girls with cleavers or worlds about to be destroyed.
"Great, send me home first," he said. After the Wizzard left in a hurry, Perona transported to her own universe, claiming that this place "was stupid." Farnsworth had to kick Marvin in (resulting in a stubbed toe and possibly an almost broken leg) because the robot simply lamented how it made no difference where he went and how every universe was the same and so on. The professor was last, of course, and he gave very vague instructions (because he couldn't remember them well himself) for somebody to teleport him back while he stood in the glass cylinder.
"There, now all is right in the world," Nozomu sighed. "Finally, the horrible crossover is over." Kafka giggled because saying 'crossover is over' sounds funny.
"That was fun," the positive girl said.
"Even the part where you almost got depressed?"
"It gave me a whole new interesting perspective."
"Sensei," Matoi said.
"Oh yes, you were here…"
"Always. But that's not the point," said the stalker. "What should we do about this weird machine?"
"Hm? Eh. I dunno. Destroy it." Chiri immediately did so with a large, rusty spade. The building made a dramatic explosion as the cast left it, walking slowly in a very dramatic way. It was very cool-looking.
What a crappy story with such a crappy ending…