Eeek! Sorry this took so long, I forgot that I was meant to be posting this on here. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far.
Disclaimer: I don't own them......Oh, stop gasping, it's not a court-room drama. I also don't own the song on Vince's mums tape which is Melissa O' Neal's "Safe Place To Hide".
Secondary school was a lot better than primary. Now my face had grown out more so that my eyes didn't look as if they were about to burst out through the sockets at any moment. Plus, Mum taught me how to use spray and gell to style my hair. It was beginning to look quite trendy. Sort of Rod Stewart-ish. I even got some complements on it from the closeted gays in Year 10. My posture was better too. I practiced walking in my mum's high heels with my back straight for an hour every day before school. It was almost physically impossible for me to duck my head to hide behind my fringe anymore - especially seeing as I didn't have much of one left. Howard, on the other hand, hadn't really changed at all. Thank Jagger.
Three years we'd been friends now. Things were the same as when they had started. Howard was still rubbish at school and constantly needing my help. It really confused me how he wasn't able to 'get' any of the stuff. He was so much more mature than me. He seemed to know a lot about things like old famous celebrities and - what creeped me out even more than his mustache - jazz. He sounded smart whenever he spoke to me, he just wasn't very quick. I never hesitated to help him out, just as he kept up his end of the deal. No one ever dared try it on with me, not when everyone knew my best mate was a giant who could beat up their dads, let alone them. Well, from what I'd learnt, Howard couldn't do that. But as long the other kids believed that he could, then I was safe.
When I got to twelve though, something happened, and suddenly worrying about being stabbed up by arse holes was the last thing on my mind. I tried not to let it get me down. I did my best to keep my typical sunshiney appearance. Then, one day, I was in maths class doing an algebra test. Just two minutes in, I could feel Howard trying to look over my shoulder.
"Vince!" He hissed. I looked up at him, already knowing what was coming. He winced at his almost blank answer paper. He'd only filled in his name, "I dunno what I'm doing?"
Sometimes I think, in the end, I did him no favours. He didn't even seem to try anymore.
Either way, I still lifted up my paper to show him the formula. Howard scanned it quickly and then nodded, leaning over to write in his answers. He took in things quickly as long as it was me that said them, apparently. I was about to go back to working on the next page of the quiz when Terry Black said out loud;
"Oi, Vince, is that your dad?!"
"No!" I snapped. A nerve was struck. I slammed my pencil down.
"WE'RE THE SAME AGE!" Howard cried. He always got upset whenever someone pointed out how much older he looked. I took it then that he wanted to the ground to swallow him up just as much as I did.
Not giving a stuff about the test, I got up out of my seat. "C'mon, Howard. Let's get out of here."
No one tried to stop us. They were happy to have the two biggest freaks of the school out of their sights. Plus the maths teacher had hung himself after handing out the tests so he didn't complain. It should've felt quite…exciting. Scandalous (I LOVE that word!). To be able to just walk out of such a boring lesson. It didn't though. Maybe in any other circumstance but not this one.
The first thing I did as soon as we got outside was kick my foot into a brick wall. I only wish I hadn't wore my new Chelsea boots to school as they aren't really good for protecting your toes. I cursed, biting my tongue and scrunching up my eyes. At least that let out some tension. I dunno if that felt worse than the pain inside me though. I then felt a pair of hands grip my shoulders.
"Woah there, little tornado." chided Howard softly, turning me around to face him. "What's a matter?"
"He shouldn't have said that Howard." I mumbled, frowning bitterly.
"What? Asking if I'm your dad? It's not the first time it's happened, Vince." said Howard, having calmed down from his initial frustrated response.
I shook my head; "They still shouldn't say it! You're not my da….You're not…"
When my voice began to trail off, Howard took my arm and gently lead me towards the benches to sit me down. He took up the space beside me. "Vince, this ain't about what Terry said, is it?"
"What d'you mean?"
"You've been all quiet and still all week. It ain't like you. You ain't even asked me one annoyingly pointless question yet."
"Fine. If you eat the pip in an orange, will an orange tree grow in your stomach?" I obliged him, dryly. Howard just gave me 'a look.' As if to say 'that's not good enough'. I sighed, folding my arms; "I'm just not in the mood, Howard…I've got more important things to worry about…"
"Like what?" He asked.
I shuffled, quiet as the grave.
"C'mon, Vince, you can tell me. We tell each other everything. Is someone threatening you again?"
"No…" I replied, wishing it was that simple. "My…Dad's ill. Really ill. He had a heart attack last weekend."
"Oh…!" I knew he hadn't expect it to be that serious. I also knew that his response would be this clueless and unhelpful. "…M'sorry, Vince. Why you didn't you tell me?"
I just shrugged. "It's not a big deal. He won't die or anything. I know he won't 'cause he promised me he won't. He's too strong for that. Mum believes in him so I have to as well."
That wasn't the only reason I didn't tell Howard. I knew that there was no way Howard would be able to understand. He'd told me before how he wasn't close to his parents. They were typical middle-class snobs, believed to be descended from some forgotten aristocratic bloodline, too interested in their money as their faces for the public to pay any attention to their son and daughter; Howard and his little sister Cree, who was still living in Leeds. Howard had been sent to live with his cousins in London because his father had believed it might toughen him up a bit, or at least that was the excuse he'd given. He didn't like to speak about his family much. So how could he understand just how scary this was for me?
And it was scary. I'd never been so scared in my entire life than when they took Dad into the E.R. I knew had to be brave for Mum, who was sobbing her heart out, when all I wanted to do was just break down in tears as well. He was okay though, in the end, the doctors managed to fix him up somewhat. The docs explained some things to my mum about what may have caused the heart attack and why my dad was having to be kept in but it all seemed to go over my head. Which was odd. I normally paid attention to learning about stuff, especially when it was important to me…but I just couldn't seem to focus. So Mum just told me to go sit by Dad's bed and talk to him even though he was sedated. I tried to talk, babble out about school and what me and Howard had been up to, like I always did. And Dad smiled in his sleep, showing somewhat he was listening.
I just couldn't get the image out of my head wherever I went. Dad. My dad. The man who'd picked me up from a high branch in our garden tree when I'd climbed higher than my fears could manage. The man who took me to my first Glastonbury festival at six years old. The man who would sit beside my bed when I fell asleep because I was scared of the Mod wolves attacking me for getting Ronnie Wood's autograph. The man who gave me my first cigar just two weeks ago, even though Mum nearly slapped him into next week and ignited a blazing row with him when she caught us. My dad. In that hospital bed. With all those wires plugged into his body. So weak and frail….
"Vince? You sure you're ok?" Howard's voice helped me drift out my bleak grey haze.
I nodded my head, forcing a smile. Dad would be fine. He never did get round to teaching me how to puff that cigar. He'd have to get out so we could sneak behind Mum's back again for him to show me. Not that I even wanted to smoke cigars.
"M'fine, Howard." I said lightly.
"Vince, it's ok to worry about your dad." said Howard, more understanding than I expected.
"But he'll be fine! He's coming out next Thursday so I ain't got anything to worry about."
"Oh.." Howard's face dropped, "So you won't be coming to mine for my birthday then?"
"Of course I am. We're picking up Dad at five and your party's starting at half six. Don't worry, I'll be there by then."
"Party?" Howard grimaced. "Vince, I told you, I don't want a party!"
"But I've invited everyone in our year. They've all said they wanna come."
"How the hell did you manage that?"
"Well, they all really like you. Secretly…And I also said there would be a bouncy castle in your garden."
"Vince, I don't HAVE a bouncy castle!"
"I know you don't, I'm giving you mine. It's my birthday present to you. Well…part of it." I said coyly.
Howard gave one of his rare smiles; "Oh really. What else have you got me then?"
"That'd be telling. Spoil the magic."
"Well, you've already told me half of it, so that's part of the magic gone." Howard reasoned. I frowned. Shit, he got me there. "You ain't even bought it yet, have you?"
"…Maybe. But you ain't got me those hoola hoops I asked you to buy me yesterday."
"I'll get them when you tell me what my present is!" Howard shot back, crossing his arms.
"You tight-wad!" I grinned from ear to ear.
"Greedy-saurus!"
"Bovril-stain!"
"Electro fairy!"
"Jazzy freak!"
Howard raised a finger mockingly; "Oi! I've warned you before. No disrespecting the jazz."
"Or what?" I challenged.
"Or you know what!" He forced an 'evil' snarl, leaning closer to me. "You know what!"
Of course I knew. But before I could make an attempt to jump up and run out of his reach, Howard's fingers were pouncing like ravenous leopards from their position at his sides and onto mine, digging into my rib cage and forcing me to burst into a fit of giggles. We eventually rolled off the bench and onto the small bit of grass at the edge of the playground. A couple of white butterflies flittered off before Howard's shoulders crushed their fragile little wings.
"Feel the power of my fusion guitar fingers, Vince!" teased Howard triumphantly.
"You - are - insane!" I giggled aloud, resenting my ticklish bony torso. "Get off!"
"I will when you stop laughing!" Howard countered. Never the less, his flurry of fingers was starting to slow down, coming to land to holding me down on the soft grass instead.
"So that mean I'm stuck with you forever then does it?" I grinned up at him, finally getting a hold of my senses again. "Thought you said you couldn't handle me forever."
Howard smiled wryly; "I suppose I'd just have to put up with you, won't I."
"Yeah, you will…" I smiled. An atmosphere sparked between us for a couple of seconds after that. I swear somewhere I could hear a crackle like the sound of rice krispies in the morning.
This is something I never imagined. I never saw Howard as the fun and frolicking type. Turns out, that's just a front that he likes to put on for the rest of the kids in our year. To make out that he is older. More mature. In truth, he's just as much a kid as I am. Probably more at times. Cree must have been the luckiest girl in the world having Howard for a big brother. I figured that was why their dad had wanted to harden Howard up by sending him to London, the shock-horror fear of him playing a second (and obviously better) father to a little girl turning him into a sissy. Which, to be fair, he is in a lot of ways. Not that I cared back then.
"Honestly, Howard," I said seriously, looking up at him, "I'll make sure you have the best party next week. Everyone's gonna love this bouncy castle. You're gonna be the most popular guy in school!"
"D'you reckon so?" He asked, doubtful but not down.
Ok, so maybe he wouldn't be the most popular guy in school. But I had recently found out that he wasn't completely repulsive to the human race as I first thought. A girl had come up to me the other day asking what straighteners I used. She also managed to twist this conversation somehow from Nicky Clarke to Howard within a space of five seconds. She said her and a few of her friends were interested to know what he was about. What his secrets were. Apparently a lot of the older girls found something…mysterious about Howard. It was the 'older' thing. Of course they couldn't say anything or else they'd be called freaks. It made me giggle though.
Looking up at him now, I could sort of see what they meant. He was a mystery. Even to me and I knew him better than anyone in the school. He was serious, but fun - in a repressed kind of way. He was slow - but smart. A bit of a coward, I'd learnt to accept, but still managed to make me feel safe and protected. Just by his presence. And those curls in his hair were quite cute. And those eyes. Those deep, intense, hot brown eyes. Yeah. I could definitely see what those girls saw in him. For some reason, knowing that I had what they wall wanted, made me go all jittery. None of them could have this much fun with him. None of them had the privilege of witnessing his gorgeous smile this close up. Only me.
Howard slapped me lightly on the chest; "What're you smirking up at, chewy teeth?"
"Nothing." I lied, my tongue in my cheek. "Just your hair that looks like it's been dragged through a bush backwards, which the bush didn't like and had to beat up with it's branch arms."
He slapped me lightly again before rolling off of me. We both just sat there, bathed in a pool of sunlight, Howard's squinting eyes looking out across the playground, while mine continued looking fondly at him.
After a while he turned to me; "Stuff the school. Let's go to the ice rink and get some slush puppies, yeah?"
The smile threatened to bounce off my cheeks. "Yeah, genius! We can talk to that kid who works there. Lenny or…Leroy or sommat. Ey, maybe we can invite him to your party?"
"Mmmm. I was fine with just you coming round y'know." He said, slowly getting to his feet.
Only me. He only ever wants to be with me. A zillion butterflies were having a rave in my stomach.
=The following Thursday=
My fingers felt over the smooth silk fabric. It was a light creamy colour and boded well with the black sequins on the flap. It always was her favourite. I preferred her mauve one if I'm honest. It had a purple bow on the clasp that was just wicked. And it was from that guy. Her favourite designer. "Mr. Jacket", I used to call him as a nipper, which would always make her giggle at me.
"There you are, you little shit! Prepare to die!"
It took a few moments for me firstly to recognise the voice and secondly to realize that I was the one being addressed. I raised my head up from the bag in my hands to see Howard storming up the garden path towards me. His face was fixed into a contemptuous frown but there was also something else wrong with it. It seemed…lumpier than usual. And with shades of black and blue that I doubt were there before. It reminded me though, thank heavens. I remembered to toss my bang over my forehead before Howard noticed.
I forced my trademark twenty-watt grin; "Alright Howard!"
"No I am not sodding alright!" He practically screamed, fists clenched either side of him, teeth clenched. "Does it LOOK like I'm alright?!"
Yeah. Howard always looked alright. More than.
Although, I had to admit, I soon figured out what those bumps and marks on his head were. Bruises. Very nasty bruises. His head was like the warn-out footballs we had at school. Only a bit less floppy. There was a slight pull in my stomach. I clutched at the bag in my hand tighter. Why was I getting the sinking feeling that this was my fault?
Easy. Because everything was my fault.
"Uhmm…What happened?" I asked, sounding a lot less concerned then I should have, I know. But I'd been sitting there on the front doorstop of my house for a while now, and for a Summers night, the wind was a little bit chilly.
"I'll tell you, shall I?" Howard fumed. Well, yes, that was the point. "Nearly thirty kids came to my birthday party tonight, Vince! THIRTY kids came round expecting a bouncy castle…"
I looked back down at the handbag. I'd like to go to Paris some day. Real Paris, of course, with the Eiffel Tower and the big shops and the cool museum with all the famous artwork. I was fine with museums as long as they had genius pictures inside of them. That was the Paris I was gonna ask to be taken to on my thirteenth birthday. I always loved our shopping trips, even if they did make Dad roll his eyes to the back of his head, surely Paris would've been the ultimate pleasure. And the ultimate torture for Dad. I wonder why she was never a model. Her height? Surely modelling is more about beauty than height. She was the most beautiful woman in the world.
"…And so I've spent the last thirty minutes having thirty kids feet jumping on my HEAD!" Howard's furious explosive shrill caught my attention again.
My head snapped back up, dizzy, so I had to blink a lot; "W-why did they do that?"
"BECAUSE YOU PROMISED THEM A BOUNCY CASTLE SO THEY WERE GONNA GET A BOUNCY CASTLE EITHER WAY!"
"Oh…" I nodded, rubbing the soft silk again. "Did they take their shoes off?"
Howard was quiet for a moment. I wasn't looking at him so I didn't know what his expression was like, sorry.
"….Yes, but that's not the point!" He yelled, stamping his feet on the pavement. "YOU said you were bringing the bouncy castle! You PROMISED. I waited there for hours for you and you just wouldn't come. I rang you but you wouldn't answer the bloody phone, would you? I bet you couldn't hear it over your stupid electro nonsense blaring out of your room! Where is the bouncy castle, VINCE?"
I tilted my head backwards; "In the garden, in a box."
"Well…why is it there?! Why didn't you bring it round like you promised?!" Howard's voice kept sounding as if it was gonna wake up all the animals. Which reminded me that they were all inside. Hungry. That's if they were still there. A toe needled into my shin, "VINCE! Why didn't you bring it round?!"
I shrugged; "Forgot."
"…YOU FORGOT?!" I could see Howard's hands shaking, his fingers clawed as if ready to start tickling me again. Only I wasn't exactly in the mood.
"Yeah. Sorry Howard."
He stood there in front of me. Huffing and puffing. He reminded me of that wolf in that story. I was lucky our house was made out of bricks, which is a good thing because my tree house was made out of sticks and apparently that isn't the best wolf-resistant material. I was about Howard if he wants to help me rebuild it…
"Why did you do it, Vince? Why did you promise me if you knew you weren't gonna come?" Howard didn't sound so much angry anymore. He sounded more…disappointed. Which was always worse.
"I didn't know I wasn't gonna come." I explained, still not meeting eye contact, stroking the handbag in my lap. "I wanted to come as well…I wanted to see you become popular…"
"Slim chance of that happening now, isn't it!" He half-scoffed, half-hissed. He hated me then. I know he did. I could feel it radiating from him. The only guilt I could feel was that I didn't really care that he hated me. He paused for a moment. Then; "Why are you holding that handbag?"
"M'looking after it." I said simply. "Until Mum gets back."
"Wh…where is she? Thought you said you were bringing your dad home today?"
"Yeah…uhmm…" He deserved to know. I reached up my hand to fiddle with the back of my hair; "About that….turns out he's not coming home today…"
Another guilty pause; "Oh…Don't they think he's better enough?" Howard's tone softened a little. "They gonna keep him in an extra day."
Thing is, if we went to Paris then it also means we'd have to go somewhere he likes as well. But Dad always so laid back that he'd be happy just going to another music festival or even a theme park - Mum always said that she had to suffer with two big kids in the house. We could go to somewhere more traditional like Majorca or Cyprus, even though Mum would complain about the sun burning up her skin too much and not looking good with a tan.
Oh yeah.
Howard asked me a question.
"Not exactly. Uh…We were on our way to pick Dad up from the 'ospital at five….Mum was really excited. She kept talking to me all the way in the car. T-telling me to try not to jump on him too much. To help him out when he looked too tired and all that…I kept saying 'Yes, Mum' over and over….She just kept fussing over me though, kept making sure I looked good…A-and that was quite a tricky job coz I was in the back seat….So she really didn't have time to focus on the road…"
I wondered how many different type of hats there were in Paris. Probably loads of all different sizes. For some reason, I couldn't imagine any cowboy hats. That was quite sad. They were my favourite. Cowboy hats in France. Just seemed like a contradicting image. They probably had a silver one at least somewhere.
"…And, uhmm, we were on the motorway…which I always hate going on 'cause Dad always yells at Mum when she's driving to get in the r-right lane but Mum says all the cars scare her…There weren't many cars on the road tonight though…Just a lorry that came out of no where whilst Mum looked back over her shoulder to tell me I was…gorgeous…"
What would a silver cowboy hat go with? Black drainpipes sound quite fitting. I'd need to get a jacket as well. Black with diamond studs along it like a rock star. That'd be genius. I'd look like the most fashionable cowboy in Western Europe. Well there must be others presides me.
"…The lorry just slammed into the side of the c-car and…it like…tossed it over…M-mum had always told me, if a crash happened, to put my heads between my legs…s-so I did. It was so quick…And s-so loud…Everything went upside down, Howard…When I opened my eyes, I was upside down…I called Mum's name but she wouldn't answer…"
"Vince…" Howard took a jaded step towards me.
"…I panicked…I unbuckled my seatbelt and sort of fell…landed on the ceiling of the car…I wasn't hurt…much…I couldn't really feel any pain…There was just so much smoke and…f-fire…"
Howard's hand tentatively reached forward to sweep back some of the hair from my forehead. What he saw made him gasp, stumbling back slightly with his hands over his mouth, tears in his eyes. I just stayed still as if he hadn't touched me.
"…T-the man from the lorry…h-he got out fine…a-and he came over and tried to get me out of the car…The fire was getting bigger…But I didn't wanna leave until Mum woke up…"
I wondered if I'd be tall enough to be a model. She'd be well proud. I wasn't a stick figure like the ones she always scoffed at. She was slim but not skinny. A slight curvy mother's figure. Perfect.
"…I kept nudging her on the shoulder…S-saying we had to get out and get to Dad…I thought she'd really want to go, she was so excited, I didn't get why she'd want to just fall asleep…Her head was slammed forward into the windscreen…So much blood…She hates seeing blood…M-maybe that's why she passed out….I think I did too….'Cause somehow I was pulled out of there even though I promised I wouldn't leave her…Th-then….the car…I watched it, y'know…explode…Like something in a movie…"
Not the movies I like of course. Action thrillers aren't really my cup of tea. I'm more a comedy and musical lover. It was always difficult when me and Howard went to the cinema together.
"…I managed to save her handbag though!" I smiled triumphantly up at Howard, who was looking down at me with the oddest of expressions on his face. For one thing, he was crying. "Don't you like the handbag, Howard? Trust you! This is vintage as well…" He wouldn't know style if it suffocated him.
I could never go to Paris with Howard. He'd hate it. I clutched Mum's handbag to my chest tighter, rocking slightly back forth as I began to get colder. There was a deathly silence. I hated silence. It was a right boring bastard. Then, slowly, Howard's hands came forward to land on mine that, I noticed, were quite sooty and red. If Mum had seen them then she'd've dragged me into the bathroom and washed them throughrougly under warm water until they were back to their usual porceline clarity, before kissing each of my slightly stinging scrubbed nuckes and telling me to go back and play.
Howard's hands pressed down. His touch was always so warm; "Vince?"
"Mmm?"
"…You should be in hospital." He said gently, "D'you understand? You've just been in a car crash…"
"Of course I understand, Howard. I'm not four years old." I giggled lightly. He was so silly, "But I can't go to hospital…It doesn't even hurt, honestly…"
"Okay…" Howard reasoned, his tone so steady, "But think about your dad, yeah? He's just found out what has happened to your mum. And he's sick. He needs you with him."
I laughed again; "No he doesn't, Howard! He doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone anymore…"
"Vince, what are you talking about?" Howard's hands were still firmly on mine.
"Well….it's kinda funny really…Y'see, when they called my dad up…to tell him about the accident…He, uhmm…" I was struggling to speak, the knot in my stomach getting smaller.
"It's ok, little man…"
"Uhmm…He kinda had another heart attack…Typical, ey? What are the odds?" I laughed out loud, probably waking some of the elderly neighbours. "And…it was such a strong one…It really finished him off…Th-they couldn't save him. Guess he really wanted to be with Mum…Of course he'd wanna be with her and not me…S'only right, innit Howard?…So, uh…Yeah…."
Another killer-long silence.
I gasped aloud, making Howard jump. I smiled, dazed at him; "I'm really sorry, Howard! I'm really sorry I didn't come to your birthday party…I'm such a terrible friend, ain't I?" More out-of-place giggles erupted from me.
Howard was watching me with a mixture of pity and absolute terror. I must have seemed like a complete nut-box, sitting there hugging my mum's handbag, on the doorstep, laughing away all my troubles. Tears slid down his cheeks. I envied him so much at that moment but I didn't let it show.
"Vince…you're not a terrible friend. It wasn't your fault…I'm so sorry Vince, god, I'm so sorry for…" His words trailed off into a tearful stammer. He clasped a hand over his mouth to shut himself up. A rare thing for Howard Moon to do to himself. "…Vince. You should still be at the hospital, little man…"
I shook my head, still smiling; "Nah. They already stitched me up in the ambulance. Dad said I as the man of the house while he was gone. I ran away straight after they told me at the hospital that he'd….gone."
"How long ago was that?"
"Three hours…Four, maybe."
"And you've been out here all this time?"
I nodded; "I…didn't wanna go in…it's such a big house when it's just me in there…even with the animals. A-and I dunno how to break it to them, Howard. Especially Brian Ferry. He loves Dad to bits. Jahooli's gonna be heartbroken when I tell her Mum didn't manage to buy her that scratching post…"
"You can't stay out here on the doorstop, Vince."
"I HAVE to, Howard." I said firmly, hugging the bag again. "I'm waiting for Charlie. He always looked after me when Mum and Dad aren't around."
Howard sighed, sounding close to exasperated. "Vince…Charlie's not gonna come, alright?"
I glared at him. How dare say that about my oldest friend? What he jealous or something?
"He IS coming!" I snapped through gritted teeth.
Howard's hands took hold of my shoulders; "Look at me, Vince…When was the last time you saw, Charlie?"
"He IS coming…" I ignored his stupid question.
Charlie was always there. He was always with me. Not very much recently of course because I didn't need him as much. I had Howard. I could more fun stuff with Howard whereas Charlie was invisible most of the time so it was a bit more tricky. He still came into my room at night though and talked to me about his adventures. Not when Howard was sleeping over, of course. Charlie did like Howard though. He thought he was funny. He is funny. Whenever I tell Howard that though, he takes it the wrong way and frowns like a grumpy bulldog.
"Charlie IS coming…Charlie is coming…Charlie is coming…"
I kept on rocking back and forth until the world began to fizzle out around me.
"Vince…? Vince, it's alright. I've got you…I've got you…"
Everything became much darker, even though there was a streetlight just outside our house, plus all the lights were left on indoors. All I could feel was the soft handbag clutched against my stomach. Then I was vaguely aware of hands rummaging through it so I held it tighter to me. Mum would kill me if I let it get stolen or damaged. It stayed on my lap thought. I heard a jingle-jangle like sleigh bells. But it was July. Santa should really sort out his calendar. I was vaguely aware of Howard moving around me. Then I felt like I was flying up into the air, just for a blissful moment, where I thought I was flying up to heaven to join my parents. Turns out I was just being half-carried, my arm slung over Howard's neck, to be taken into the house.
Brian Ferry barked as soon as we got in, asking where Dad was. I was too tired to answer him. Weird. I wasn't this tired before. Where had that come from? I couldn't even keep my eyes open, let alone walk properly or stand up straight. My head rolled against Howard's shoulder. Something seemed to have sucked all the strength out of me while I was on that doorstep. Maybe it was some weird vampire bat that I'd failed to notice. I was still clutching Mum's bag under my arm. This was so stupid. I couldn't fall asleep there was so much to do. The animals needed to be fed. The heating needed to be turned off. The rabbits needed to have their hutch changed. My hands needed to be cleaned. I couldn't fall asleep now. Not this early. Everything crumbled in on me and I couldn't stop myself from mewling it all out against Howard's soft neck.
"Shhh….shhh, don't worry, little man," I could hear Howard whispering to me softly as I clung onto him, telling him all the things that I needed to do, "…Yes, yes, I'll sort it all…Yeah, I'll do that too, it's no problem…Of course I won't forget….Yeah. Yeah of course I'll stay here with you…No, if anyone calls, I'll tell them I'm a family friend who looks after you, okay?…I'll take care of everything, you just need to go to bed…"
I managed to raise my head a little; "…Mum and Dad's bed…"
"…Ok." Howard answered, sounding a little surprised and reluctant. Not too long after, when I realized we'd reached the top of the stairs, Howard pulled me along a little more until slowly laying - I remember he laid me down, instead of letting me fall - onto my parent's giant, soft and cool mattress. I flopped down like a rag doll, not even bothering to curl up into a comfortable position.
Howard stroked some hair off my face; "I'll go get your pajamas, alright?"
"No…just get me…under my bed…." I mumbled, so very tired; "…In a blue shoe-box…Just bring it to me….and please don't laugh, Howard…"
He frowned at me with confusion. He didn't question me though. He knew I wasn't up for that. I wasn't up for anything anymore and it felt as I never would be again. It was almost painful to watch him leave the room, turning the light off but leaving the landing light on for me, then disappearing. Even if he did only go down the hall. Then my eyes shifted to my dad's football shirt that was draped unceremoniously over the dresser across the room…
A minute later, Howard walked slowly back into the room, nearly tripping up over the bundle of clothes now thrown on the floor. My clothes. He looked up to see me, lying in the same position he'd left me, only now dressed in nothing but my dad's West Ham shirt that swamped me so much that I could just curl up in it like a sporty cocoon. The proverbial smell of tobacco and spilt tomato sauce floated up to my senses. I was glad Mum hadn't washed it. I guess it was because she'd used it for the same comfort I was.
Howard came and sat on the bed, the blue shoe box in his hand. He opened it slowly and took out the thing I was worried he'd laugh at me for. His face was as serious as it ever was though. "This him, little man?"
I nodded, reaching my arms out to take George from him, swapping him for Mum's handbag which Howard took to put on the bedside table. George, not rabbit George, was a stuffed bear dressed in a knitted blue jumper, a football scarf and a woollen hat. Dad had won him for me at a fun fair when I was six before taking me to see my first game at Wembley stadium. He was probably wearing the shirt I was wearing that day as well. I cuddled George tight to my chest, noticing Howard watching me with a small smile on his face. At least he wasn't laughing.
Still, I blushed; "Don't tell anyone. He just helps me sleep sometimes is all…"
"I won't tell a soul." He swore meaningfully. He then looked back into the box, pulling something else out; "What about this?" He held a cassette tape in his hand, with loads of little hearts dotted on the label. No words. I knew what it was by heart.
I nodded again; "Put on the stereo, please…"
Howard went over to Mum's stereo on the dressing table and popped the cassette in. He then pressed the play button. After a couple seconds of silence, a soft chord was struck, gentle music filling the room. Music that, I'm guessing from the look on Howard's face, he didn't think I'd be caught dead listening to. At least it wasn't jazz.
He was confused, not that I blame him, until the vocalist started to sing. Then a look of recognition dawned on him. He turned to look back at me curled up on the bed with George in my arms. I saw him smile fondly. I smiled back. Not as a big smile as I'd've liked to have given. Not the kind he deserved after being so nice to me. Especially after I forgot his birthday party.
I can feel
How it pulls at you
It pulls at me too
I would run away to the world I left behind
I will find away back to you…
Howard walked back up to the bed. He gently tugged back the duvet from where it was under me without much effort as I was so light. When it was out from under me, he draped it over me until just mine and George's head on the pillows were showing. I didn't think he was gonna tuck me in as well. But he did. I'm surprised I didn't crumble when he stroked my hair again.
I was, always there for you
Always cared for you
And I'm still
Right here guarding you
Watching over you…
"Do you need anything else?" Howard asked sweetly, over the sound of my mum's voice.
Though I'm miles away
From the world I left behind
I will find a way back to you
I shook my head. "M'fine thanks, Howard." My voice seemed to be shrinking.
"I'll sort everything in the house out. Then I'll come straight back, alright?"
I nodded, inwardly cursing myself. I really was such an evil, ugly person…
And when you've got no where to turn
And you're all alone
When your walls a breaking
Yet there's no escaping
When Howard was gone, I started biting down on my lip. What the hell was wrong with me?
They weren't coming back. They were never gonna come back. Why had I kept thinking they'd fly back for me? They were in heaven now. Together. Why would they ever wanna see me again?
Especially when you think how much traffic there must be heaven, all those taxi cabs bustling along the slipstreams. And they didn't die together. They must have been in different cabs. I wondered if they'd even found each other yet. It must have been more hassle than at an airport or Kings Cross station.
The last thing they were gonna talk about, when they did find each other, was gonna be me…
It was all my fault. Mum called me gorgeous. She lost her focus. It was all my fault.
She shouldn't have had to call me the thing that I know I'm not.
I, I'd fly through the night
To get back to your side
I will be your safe place to hide
Her voice wafted round the room, wrapping me in a pair of slender, invisible arms that my brain could keep still and secure there for just a moment - before it gave up on me once more. She lied. Twice.
She was never gonna be able to sing again. She was the queen of the karaoke at our local pub. Even Howard had recognised her voice on the tape. She always loved to sing. She'd made me this tape when I was three and I had trouble sleeping. My lullaby tape.
God, I was so pathetic. Why wasn't Howard laughing at me?
Because Howard wasn't laughing at me. Howard was taking care of everything for me. Howard was taking care of me. After everything I'd done to him today. Or hadn't done to him today.
I'll be there by your side
The safe place that you hide
'cause nothings really changing
I'm just a few more miles away
And when you've got no where to turn
And you're all alone.
Your walls are a breaking,
Yet there's no escaping…
Barely half an hour later. The tape had rewound back to the start.
Howard knocked on the door, probably expecting me to be asleep. I really should be, considering the wave of tiredness that had hit me earlier. It was still drowning me slightly. But my mind seemed to be fighting against it. He popped his head through the open door.
"Hey…" He smiled when he saw I was still awake.
"Hi." I said sleepily, my face half buried in the pillows. It made my greeting come out as an embarrassing squeak. I cringed, hoping Howard wouldn't notice, but he let out a small chuckle.
He came back over and sat on the bed again. He reached out a hand to take mine that before was wrapped around George; "Everything's all sorted now, Vince." He clutched my hand tight.
I nodded; "Thanks Howard."
"Don't mention it." He smiled, his thumb rubbing over my hand, "Anything else I can do?"
I nodded again, lifting my head up this time.
"…Hold me."
I'd never forget just how small and childish my own voice sounded when I said those two words. I'd never be able to refuse that request if it was given to me by anyone. A boiling surge of embarrassment rose in my tummy as soon as they came out of my mouth, realizing just how ridiculous and babyish I must have seemed right then. Howard still didn't say anything. The fact that I was asking him to break one of the founding agreements of our friendship wasn't even mentioned.
Instead, he just pulled the covers up and over himself, before shuffling up close beside me. He turned on his side and reached an arm out over my own to pull me closer. The smell of my dad's dirty old shirt became mixed with the Howard-y scent of tweed and old spice. What kind of thirteen year old - or fifteen, sixteen, however old he was - boy wore old spice? I didn't ask. I was just glad he was here.
I'd missed him so much when he was gone. It had actually hurt being so alone. I never used to let myself be alone. Even when no one was around, I'd invent people to keep me company. Why was that so difficult all of a sudden? Almost…impossible. I needed Howard. I needed him with me, always. Just until I got my gift back.
"I'd fly through the night
To get back to your side
To be your safe place to hide"
"Vince," He whispered to me after a while.
"Yeah, Howard?"
"Vince…it's ok to cry, y'know. You've just had two terrible things happen to you in the space of an evening. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. And I'd feel a lot better if you did."
I nodded my head, my hair rubbing against his chin in an almost teasing way if it had been any other day; "I know, Howard. I'm not ashamed to cry. I just…I don't know how to. I wish I could do, honest, I know I should but I'm just so…I dunno why I'm not crying, Howard, m'scared that there's something wrong with me…"
Howard reached his other arm under me and pulled me closer to him, holding me in the same way I was holding George, who was suffocating between the both of us. "Shh now, little man. It's alright," Howard whispered, hands stroking through my hair, "It's alright. You're in shock is all. It'll come. Whenever you're ready to is fine. I'll be right here when you do."
"Promise?" I tearlessly whimpered against his jumper.
"On Howard Moon's honour. You can trust that with your life, sir."
And I did. With my life. Howard would be there for me. Howard would always be there for me. I trusted that from the moment he promised it to me.
My eyelids were getting heavier once more. I was more than ready to fall asleep in Howard's arms, even if I had nothing certain to wake up to the next day. I snuggled further into his soft, warm body, letting him pat my hair and continue whisper soothing words into my ears. He was expecting me to break. Crumble. Let go.
I wonder, looking back now, if he'd known back then just how long he'd have to wait for me to do so - would he have bothered making the promise he did?
Reviews make my day. Just thought I'd drop that little hint there. Thanks for reading x