Clearing the detour with Starfleet was easier than Jim had anticipated; he only had to assure them that he would inform his crew to help with the building where needed, and to offer other assistance when asked, and Starfleet Command agreed to his visit. Informing the crew was also easy- they were by now willing to follow Kirk wherever he asked, and for this he was both humbled and grateful. Of course, the promise of a few days shore leave did not harm his situation.

They set a course for New Vulcan and began to make preparations for their visit, estimating arrival in three point four Earth days.

Spock and Kirk did not quite know what to say to each other; Spock was clearly still affected deeply by the news, and Jim was reeling with the explanation the Vulcan had given him as to the reason for the older Spock's illness.

He cannot live without his Jim. Would Spock have been the same if I hadn't come back? We aren't bonded- aren't like them. We can barely agree on anything. He must miss him so much.

He did not know how to continue their almost-relationship in the wake of this news; Spock seemed even more distant than usual, lost in his thoughts and meditating often. They had barely spoken since the transmission, and Jim's heart ached at the loss of his friendship. He also missed their sexual encounters- usually rough, possessive and angry, but still some of the most meaningful sex he'd ever had. Just glancing at Spock reminded Jim of how he looked when he was fucking; that intense, almost furious expression on his face, his eyes black and his lips curled in a silent snarl.

Kirk wondered how to approach Spock with this – how could he even be thinking about sex when Spock Prime was dying? I am a terrible person. Spock is probably glad to be free of my…attention.

He spent most of his time in his quarters, sprawled on his bed with his head in his hands. He felt intolerably lonely.

Spock was not glad to be free of Kirk, not even slightly. He missed the casual touches of his Captain as they passed on the bridge. He missed his irritating smirk and his easy laugh. He needed them all more than ever right now, but Jim was unwilling, seeming almost scared to be around him. Spock's mind was a torrent of unwelcome emotions- grief, sorrow, anger, and worst of all, loneliness, just like when he was a child. He felt lost, scared; his whole body trembling uncontrollably. He sat in his quarters, hunched with his knees under his chin as he thought.

My counterpart is dying. It may as well be my own self on that planet, considering how I am currently feeling. I must gain control of these emotions, I must- he would not wish to see me like this.

I need Jim.

But how to explain to the Captain that he was not merely interested in a casual relationship any longer- or that in fact, he never had been? He could not, not at this time. How could he even be thinking of such matters? Kirk would be ashamed of him.

Their arrival at New Vulcan came more quickly than they really wanted; both Spock and the Captain feeling unprepared and scared as they beamed down together. Jim shot a careful glance at Spock, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows in silent question. Spock nodded, looking a lot calmer than he felt, his throat dry. If only we were bonded, he thought sadly, that hollow place in his heart aching. Then there would be no need for such crude communication- but to lose you again once bonded would be more than I could bear. Perhaps it is better this way. I cannot force you to bond with me.

The transporter beam energised and his thoughts were momentarily lost.

Kirk blinked sharply, the sudden, intense heat and bright light confusing him. Spock was immediately there by his side, steadying him. "Captain, take a moment," he said quietly into Jim's ear. "The climate appears to be most inhospitable for human life."

"It's damned hot," Kirk complained, his eyes screwed shut. Despite his discomfort, it felt good to have Spock touch him again, his cool, solid presence against his body both arousing and comforting- an odd mix, but one Kirk was accustomed to with the Vulcan. He leaned into the touch gratefully, wanting to prolong it as much as possible. Eventually he felt he could no longer justify it, and so he straightened up, opening his eyes and blinking hard against the daylight.

"It's beautiful," he breathed. New Vulcan was well underway; tall, elegant buildings already finished, an air of peace and re-discovered tranquillity surrounding them.

Spock could hear the surface thoughts of Jim through their touch, as he had a thousand times before. Don't stop touching me, need it- need you, fuck why haven't you touched me in days, feels like forever don't ever stop-

The words barely registered, the overwhelming need in Kirk's mind enough to send ripples of answering arousal through Spock. But now was not the time. He fought to regain composure and won, releasing Jim when he straightened and pretending he didn't notice the human's disappointed glance. "Indeed," was all he said, his heart breaking a little more as he regarded the new colony. It was alien to him, the buildings and streets unfamiliar, new- not steeped in tradition and nostalgia like the Vulcan he grew up on. It did not smell like his home planet, nor did the soil have the same colour; and all of these things were a terrible, tortuous reminder of what had happened, of how many people died. Of his mother, her face turned up to him as she fell to her death.

He shook himself, dragging his mind to the present so that he could look at his Captain, blinking in the sun like a newborn foal. It was almost endearing, his complete lack of dignity.

"Are you quite well?"

Jim grinned at Spock when he could see him properly again. "There you are! I'm fine, Spock, just not used to your people's disregard for air conditioning or sunglasses."

His smile faltered as he noticed the subtle play of emotion on Spock's face as the Vulcan looked around his species' new planet. It was sad, distant; Kirk could practically feel his pain from where he was standing.

"Spock?"

His voice was soft, careful; with a tentative step forward he placed his hand on Spock's shoulder, meaning it to come across as a comforting gesture and hoping it was not misconstrued. "Are you thinking about her?"

"She would have loved this planet," Spock answered unexpectedly. "It is truly beautiful." A pause, and then Spock moved away from Kirk's touch with a shudder that looked almost like pain. "I would have liked her to see it." You must stop touching me, it ruins any control I have, want you, need you so much but not now Jim, can you not see how this hurts me to have you close but not my bondmate, not truly mine?-

Jim looked crestfallen; Spock wished he had not moved away despite his discomfort.

He doesn't want me to touch him. What did I do to make him stop wanting to be near me? Maybe I should tell him how I feel, perhaps that would be best- no, Jim. Look at him, for fuck's sake! He's not coping in the slightest with this situation. How the hell would you pouring your heart out to him help? How can he deal with your emotional incontinence when he's already processing so much? Man the fuck up and wait.

"We are on the outskirts of the largest city," Spock said quietly. "I suggest we walk quickly to my elder counterpart's residence, before you succumb to heatstroke."

Jim was jolted back to the present by Spock's words, realising that he did already feel somewhat dizzy from the heat. "What about my crew?"

"They have already been given their instructions; a small skeleton crew will remain on the Enterprise while the majority of our men and women will beam down for shore leave. Do not worry, Captain."

"Right. Lead on then, Spock." I'm more worried about you, to be honest. I wish we didn't have to do this, not now.

Spock gave him an odd look, wondering what the emotions on his face meant but unwilling to ask. Finally he turned and began the short walk into the city.