Me: Good evening, scumbags! This is the Xiaolin News, where we give you all that information that nobody else cares about! With more, here's our anchorwoman, Kimiko Tohomiko!
Zoom into Kimiko, wearing Jonas Brothers T-shirt, red jeans, and a red blazer.
Kimiko: Thanks, Big Scary Voice. Now, our top story today is that…I GOT A NEW PUPPY!
Holds out ugly little yappy dog.
Me: No, that's not it! We've been over this!
Kimiko: What do you have against my puppy?
Me: Nothing, I—
Kimiko: Puppy hater! She's a puppy hater! I bet she hates her mother too!
Live Audience: Boo!
Me: I do not hate the puppy, I'm just saying—
Kimiko: That you are a hater of puppies!
Me: I do not hate the freakin puppy!
Kimiko: Off with her head! Sic her, Fluffernut!
Fluffernut yaps like death.
Me: But….you….Fluffer….WHATEVER! The top story today is NOT that Kimiko got a new puppy! It's of the disappearance of a woman who goes by the name of Wuya. With more on that—
Kimiko: Please, Big Scary Voice, let ME do my job. With more on that, here's our dog-friendly reporter, Raimundo Pedrosa. Raimundo?
Zooms in on Raimundo, who's standing outside Chase Young's lair.
Raimundo: Thanks, Kim. I'm here live at the place that the italicized caption above my line just said. A woman known as Wuya has been labeled missing since this morning. Friends of Miss Wuya said that she was behaving normally the night before, i.e. plotting to overthrow the universe, plus Canada. The palace behind me is where Wuya and her boyfriend Chase Young.
Holds microphone up to Chase, in human form.
Chase: First of all, she is not my girlfriend.
Raimundo: Than why are you living together?
Chase: It was merely temporary, until Wuya could break in her new body.
Raimundo: In other words, she's your girlfriend.
Chase: Is not! Can we just get on with the case?
Raimundo: Why, you miss your tonsil-hockey partner?
Me: Raimundo…
Raimundo: Alright, yeesh! So Chase, when did you last see Wuya?
Chase: Well, last night, when we were plotting our overthrow of Canada's government—
Kimiko's box appears.
Kimiko: Oooo, sounds romantic!
Raimundo: Will you get outta here!
Reaches out and pushes Kimiko's box off screen.
Chase: ANYway, when she said she was going to bed. I said fine, and she went into our—her—uh…
Live Audience: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Raimundo: (whistles)
Chase: I mean—uh…
Me: AAAAAAARG!
Raimundo: ALL RIGHT!!! God, your temper's worse than—
Kimiko's box appears.
Kimiko: WHO!?!?!?!?!??!
Me: For Pete's sake, get a hold of yourselves!
Me, Kimiko, and Raimundo argue indistinctively. Fluffernut yaps. Dojo slithers up onto Kimiko's desk.
Dojo: Uh…yeah. I guess we'll flip to commercial until these guys calm down a bit. (Looks at Kimiko's commercial break speech) I'm Kimiko Tohomiko, signing off. Flip hair attractively and smile. (Realizes what he just said, flips head to the side and smiles like a lunatic)
Commercial for chicken wings, Raimundo's Surfboard Wax, Kimiko's electronic hair spray, and Wuya's Crow's Feet Be Gone.
Me: I wouldn't recommend that hair spray.
Kimiko: Or the Crow's Feet stuff.
Me: Anyway, let's get back to the report. Now, our top investigators are working hard to find this wrinkly old prune.
Chase: She's not wrinkly! Don't call my Tweety-bird that. Oooo…I mean—
Everyone: (laughs and yells) TWEETY-BIRD!
Kimiko: O-k! Let's go to Omi with (chortles) the weather! Omi?
Zooms into Omi in front of a burnt-up map. He is trying to put it back up.
Omi: Uh…thank you, Kimiko. I seem to be having accidentally burnt the weather map with the Eye of— (pokes an area that's still hot) OW!—Dashi. But, uh, it'll be…OH!—as you can see by this blackened piece of Wisconsin—OW!!!!! Okay, fine, it's gonna be really, really hot! Back to you, Kimiko!
As Omi starts wrestling with the string holding the smoldered map up, camera zooms back to Kimiko.
Kimiko: Thanks, Opi! I mean, Omi. Now, all you Showdown-lovin folks from down south, here's our Texan sports reporter, Clay Bailey!
Zooms in on Clay, who's in the middle of an ice arena. Wind is loud, he has to yell.
Clay: (yelling) THANKS, KIM! I'M HERE LIVE IN THE NORTH POLE, WHERE A SHOWDOWN IS UNDERWAY! (wind stops) IT'S BETWEEN—oh. My bad. Anyway, it's between Katnappe and Jack Spicer, due to the little…uh…situation that occurred last week. Let's watch.
Zooms in on ice arena, where Katnappe is beating up Jack. Dyris is cheering from a hole in the ice on the side.
Katnappe: (blows punch in Jack's face) CHEATER!
Jack: (whimpering) It wasn't my fault! She kissed me!
Dyris: GO, JACKY!
Katnappe: (screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! (blows another punch)
Dyris: Come on, Jacky, get up and fight! Come on, it's just a couple broken bones! Be a man!
Jack falls unconscious on the ice. Arena shrinks and paramedics come and pull Jack away. Dyris follows from under the ice, and Katnappe walks away with a grin.
Me: O…k. Oh, wait…we've got a break through with the Wuya case! Here's our Dojo cam with the update!
Zooms in on Dojo, who's hovering by the case scene.
Dojo: Let's see now, we've got some rope…pieces of a bat…OH MY GOSH!
Kimiko and Me: What? What?
Dojo: The y found Wuya—
Me: That's great!
Dojo:—in the tub. Naked.
Camera zooms in on two men helping Wuya out of…out of…this job ain't worth it! I quite! It didn't get this ugly when I worked as a wrestler's agent!
Me: Ugh…not even the caption guy could take it! I wonder what's so—OH MY GOSH! MY EYES! SWEET LORD OF MERCY!
Kimiko: (faints)
Raimundo: Hold the elevator, Caption Dude! (drops microphone and runs off)
Omi: Oh, my. What's that— (My giant hand comes out from the sky and covers his mouth)
Clay: I've seen shaved cows better looking than that!
Chase: It's not like I've never—I mean—DANG IT! (runs off in embarrassment)
Me: I quiet!
Bonjour, I am ze new Caption Guy, Pierre. I am narrating this because everyone else has run away screaming. I do not know why, maybe they have seen ze—OH MY GOODNESS! You filthy Americans disgust me! I spit in your direction!
(caption guy runs off, heading back to France. Wuya enters empty news room, putting on robe)
Wuya: What's going on?
(Chase enters and puts arm around her)
Chase: I don't know, babe, but let's get outta here.
(Leans in to Wuya and--)
CENSORED, TOO GROSS FOR THE YOUNG, OLD, OR ANYONE WHO PLANS ON EATING EVER AGAIN. TRUST ME.